Author Jeff Strong details the “tectonic plate shifting moment” when his son, while serving in the Missionary Training Center (MTC), suddenly wrote him about leaving the faith: both his mission and the LDS Church. At the time, Strong was serving as a Bishop. He admits that he and his wife initially handled the situation poorly by assuming their son had committed a serious sin. This personal crisis spurred Strong to conduct extensive research into disaffiliation, including qualitative work in 40 cities across 20 countries to understand the real reasons people step away from faith.

Leaving the Faith

Strong challenges the “lazy learner” stereotype, revealing that faith transitions are often deeply serious, intentional, and painful processes. Research cited by Strong shows that 49% of individuals experiencing a faith transition spend more hours than they can count over five or more years researching their decision, often likening the experience to the “death of a loved one.” Strong describes his family’s initial communication as “cavemen grunting at each other” because they were “talking under the influence” of intense fear, anger, and anxiety.

To help other families avoid these “unwise mistakes,” Strong provides several key insights:

  • Examine Your Motives: Parents often feel anger not because of the child’s choices, but because those choices threaten the parent’s own need for social validation and the “perfect family” image.
  • Avoid “Talking Under the Influence”: High-stakes conversations should not happen when the amygdala is firing; parents must step back to ensure they are motivated by love rather than a desire to control.
  • Understand the Data: While conversations with siblings and friends typically go well, talking to Church leaders is four and a half times more likely to go badly, and talking to devout parents is twice as likely to result in a negative outcome.

Strong concludes that by being informed and rejecting false stereotypes, families can move toward “healthy trust-building conversations” and maintain strong relationships even when religious paths diverge.

Why do conversations with Church leaders go wrong so often?

Former mission president Jeff Strong says talking to leaders and parents is one of the least helpful things to do in a faith crisis. It’s 4.5 times worse than talking with siblings. Why do some family members quit speaking to those who leave? Should Church leaders better model Christian disagreement? Can a bottom up movement like this succeed in a top-down organization? Check out our conversation…

Staggering Cost of “Correction”

Strong shares a provocative statistic from his research: while 83% of those in a faith transition reach out to someone, the outcome varies wildly depending on who they talk to. Interactions with siblings and friends generally go well, but conversations with devout church leaders are four and a half times more likely to “go badly,” meaning the relationship suffers and the individual feels more inclined to withdraw from the community. Strong attributes this to a default mode of trying to “correct or contain” the person rather than building trust.

Agency vs. Stewardship

A major theme of this discussion is the “goofy cultural idea” of practicing “enforced agency.” Strong argues that when parents or leaders attempt to manipulate outcomes—such as withholding an inheritance or cutting off family members to maintain a temple recommend—they are actually infringing on the foundational doctrine of agency. He reminds listeners that stewardship does not equal control, citing Joseph Smith’s experience with the lost 116 pages as a lesson that God’s work is not dependent on our ability to control others.

Bottom-Up Revolution

Addressing the concern that change in the Church is strictly “top-down,” Strong offers a empowering alternative: bottom-up culture change. While he avoids criticizing the institution or “steadying the ark” by telling Salt Lake what to do, he insists that individuals have the power to shape the culture within their own hearts, marriages, and wards. He notes that even one “Christ-centered” Bishop can completely transform a ward’s atmosphere in a short time.

The Path Forward: Love Over Fear

Strong concludes by urging members to stop “thinking through the amygdala”. When we act out of fear—the “circle the wagons” behavior—it shuts down spiritual growth. By choosing “perfect love” over fear, families can maintain strong relationships even when religious paths diverge. His ultimate goal is not to “recruit” people back, but to help the Church become a place where different types of people can stay, feel they belong, and remain rooted in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.