How do you feel when you see another person enjoying success? Do your feelings change when you aren’t particularly happy with your own situation? What about when the successful person is your child or your best friend? How do you feel if they are successful in an area that holds no interest for you personally, but is one they enjoy?

Compersion is a term that was coined in the 1970s by the Kerista community, a polyamorous group in San Francisco. The term describes the empathetic feeling of joy or happiness you experience when your partner finds joy, romance or pleasure with another person. It is also described as the “opposite of jealousy.” Compersion and jealousy are not mutually exclusive. It is most common to experience both things simultaneously in any relationship. A relationship with no jealousy might feel indifferent, but one without compersion might seem self-centered and envious.

I recently watched the excellent indie film The Invite which explores the relationships of two different couples in a dinner party that quickly goes sideways. Psychologist Esther Perel consulted on the film, and listening to her audiobooks and podcast is where I first encountered the term compersion. While it’s a term that is specifically used in a polyamorous context, it occurs to me that all relationships are a mix of jealousy and compersion. We wish people well, but not better than us. We are happy they are happy, unless we aren’t happy when we encounter their joy. We enjoy seeing someone let go of something that’s holding them back, unless that same thing is holding us back. Friends are excited to see someone’s new baby, unless they lost a child. Our joy at others’ joy is limited by our own situations as well as temperaments.

As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, So is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart. Proverbs 25:20

When we play card games as a family, I often say to my kids that when I win, I win, and when they win, I also win because I’m their mother. I naturally take pleasure in their skill; a good outcome for them reflects on me, but also it makes me happy to see them happy. This is like compersion–I share the joy of their success, even if it’s me they’ve beaten. That’s what kids are supposed to do, after all–outperform their parents.

Of course there’s something inherently more competitive in a sexual relationship. After all, you’ve chosen them and been chosen by them among a pool of competitors. There is sometimes a “one-up” and “one-down” aspect to the relationship. In an episode of Seinfeld, they called this “having hand” in the relationship because one person always has the upper hand or is more desired than the other person.

Several months ago, I read a hilarious thread on Reddit in which a husband who had left the church was resentful of his lack of pre-marital sexual experience and demanded of his reluctant wife that they open up the relationship or he was going to divorce her so he could finally get to experience what he’d been missing. I’m sure you can all tell where this is heading, and I must say I experienced schadenfreude (pleasure in the misery of another person) when I read about the life lesson this guy learned the hard way after attacking his faithful, longsuffering wife this ultimatum. She was immediately the target of lots of interest, going on many sex dates with new partners, while people were swiping left on him. Karma’s a bitch, as they say. He did not experience compersion as a result of her sexual success, as you can imagine.

Because the term “compersion” is specific to polyamorous relationships, most psychologists will instead refer to “vicarious joy,” “sympathetic joy,” or the Buddhist term “mudita.” People who genuinely enjoy others’ success usually also have:

  • Secure self-esteem. Their sense of worth isn’t on the line when someone else succeeds.
  • Abundance mindset. They believe opportunites are plentiful, so one person’s success doesn’t mean they won’t also achieve it.
  • Strong group identity. If a person sees another’s success as reflecting well on “our team,” or “our family,” or “our community,” that achievement can feel like a shared victory.
  • Close relationships. We celebrate the achievements of people we love more readily.
  • Low social comparison. Some people are just not that interested in comparing themselves to other people–neither in feeling superior nor in feeling inferior. They aren’t keeping score.

Some families are more prone to envy or jealousy and others are more likely to experience vicarious joy in each others’ success. I once became aware that someone was jealous of me, and I was very surprised because it was a person I had never compared myself to, even once. It just wasn’t that type of relationship in my mind. The person wasn’t on my competitive radar at all. It was someone I wished well, but they were so different from me it never occurred to me to compare with them. There are certain conditions that have to exist for us to feel jealousy or envy:

Similarity. If you are a novelist, you probably aren’t comparing yourself to an Olympic swimmer. You might feel jealous of someone in your same field, but probably not if they are excelling in an area outside of your expertise. When they aren’t a competitor, it’s easier to feel joy in their success.

Scarcity. If you are vying for a limited resource (promotions, scholarships, pay increases, sexual partners, parental attention), you might feel that their wins are your losses. And some people perceive scarcity more than others.

Identity relevance. You probably care less if your Catholic friend is recognized by her congregation than you do if your LDS friend is respected more than you are, assuming you identify as LDS.

Unmet needs. People who already feel unseen, underappreciated, or insecure are more prone to make social comparisons. They see evidence all around them of others who have it better.

As I thought about it, it occurs to me that a high demand religion is more likely to stir up feelings of jealousy than compersion (or vicarious joy). All religions at least put in lip service toward rejoicing with others and being “one” as a congregation, but realistically, Mormonism has some factors that run counter to this unity. A few things that readily come to mind:

  • It’s a high demand religion with a lot of social markers to determine standing or “righteousness.” Religions that don’t have “worthiness interviews” or behavior codes like the Word of Wisdom, garment-wearing, and temple attendance also have much more relaxed social norm policing.
  • It’s an American religion, steeped in American culture, which is a much more individualist society than other countries. Individualist communities are more competitive by nature, whereas group-oriented communities (like most Asian countries, for example) feel proud by association and also will hide the mistakes of others if it would impact the group. In an individualist society, you hear things like “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps” which is not how bootstraps even work! Not so in more communitarian cultures.
  • It’s a hierarchical religion (like most are), but in our case, lay members are routinely placed in positions over others. This is inherently competitive. We may say that the Stake President is no more important that the Nursery Leader, but come the frick on. We weren’t born yesterday. One of the two can excommunicate you, and the other may get a stern talking to for failing to provide gluten-free snacks.
  • The lay clergy aspect combined with members being asked to speak contribute to comparison. People may feel more or less valued based on what assignments they are given, feedback they receive, and how leadership regards their contribution potential. One’s status is much more visible than in a religion like Catholicism or a Protestant denomination where the pastor does the sermons, and everyone else might help with the bake sale, but they aren’t placed in positions of authority (without any real theological or clerical training) like in the LDS church.

In short, there’s a lot of status pressure inside Mormon congregations, which I would argue is higher than in most other denominations due to the factors I’ve listed above. Consider how celebrating milestones like a wedding, graduating high school, or a new birth can easily be weaponized in the spirit of competitiveness within LDS congregations. You can’t just be happy your child is getting married–you have to answer for whether it’s a temple marriage, who is “able” to attend (meaning has a current temple recommend), and what are the LDS bona fides of the new spouse. You can’t celebrate a high school graduation without having to talk about if they are now going on a mission, if not why not, where they are going to college (is it a school sponsored by the church??) and what they intend to study, and if it’s a daughter, how they will balance that education with being a mother (*sigh* in the year of our Lord 2026). It’s a treadmill that never ends. There are endless possibilities for judging one another rather than actually celebrating life achievements. I’m sure everyone has seen this firsthand and doesn’t need me to regurgitate the countless examples.

And yet, there are obviously people who are not invested in their social standing, who don’t care that much about how their lives compare with others. They are fortunate to enjoy the happiness they see in others.

  • Do you think LDS culture fosters enjoyment in others’ success or is it mostly a social status game with all the accompanying jealousy and envy?
  • Do you feel compersion (or vicarious joy) or are you someone who struggles more with jealousy?
  • Have you tried some of these tactics to increase your ability to enjoy the joy of others?

Discuss.