JACOB
I decided to reread Helaman’s record,
determined to reveal Helaman’s wisdom.
I—
JACOBIHAH
I wonder if the early worms had a saying. Chirp, chirp, chirp.
JACOB
…
It is a tale of dissenters renouncing.
It is a lament from disciples regretting.
It is—
JACOBIHAH
Comical! How can you not make fun of the Book of Helaman? Check this out:
“And it came to pass in the 75th year I did thank God for making my enemies extinct. And in the 78th year there began to be a few contentions in Gospel Doctrine class. And by the 80th year I did say unto the Lord, ‘Um, my enemies are back. You know? The ones I said went extinct?’” Chirp, chirp, chirp!
JACOB
Nephite divisions redouble from few
rich to many poor. Remember,
remember, desolate designs—
JACOBIHAH
Now you’re talking, poet! It just takes a couple angry people at the top, hating each other and modeling hatred to the masses. Three pampered siblings angling for one inheritance. Little further down the road, an impossibly pure prophet prays atop a tower in the hopes of being overheard by people he doesn’t respect. Chirp, chirp, chirp!
JACOB
Repentance demands by threatening
to halt the Sun or roll back the Earth.
Sin still buries your worth
deeper than a shovel can sink.
JACOBIHAH
Don’t make God go
digging for your love.
Chirp, chirp, chirp!
JACOB
…
JACOBIHAH
I should be the poet. Not you. Do you really think anybody is gonna get jazzed by you playing words that start “re-” off of words that start “de-”? Really despicable wordsmithing if you ask me.
JACOB
Lamanites recall desires, desiring
to reclaim the promised treasures.
Dissent. Repent. Repent dissent.
JACOBIHAH
Y’know, earlier this week when you were reading Helaman Chapter 11 aloud, I had a wicked daydream. In my dream, I watched a new video message by President Nelson. Here’s what I imagined him saying:
“My beloved brothers and sisters, recently I prayed to our Heavenly Father and asked him to bring a famine upon you all. Deferring to my sealing authority, Heavenly Father complied with this request. Rather than utilizing a drought or other natural disaster, I asked the Eternal Father to spread this famine through a combination of rampant unemployment and supply chain breakdowns.
Brothers and sisters, it is my hope that this First-World famine will humble each of you and bring you closer to the Savior. I pray the ubiquitous suffering in all regions of this nation will motivate you to live together in harmony as never before.”
JACOB
You do not want to be a poet. You want to be a parodist.
JACOBIHAH
Ha! I knew I could get you to engage me. Chirp, chirp, chirp.
JACOB
Do you appreciate that angels have been appearing to us, and some of them are dying?
JACOBIHAH
I refuse to be guilted.
JACOB
Then I will leave you in your strength.
JACOBIHAH
Chirp, chirp, chirp!
JACOB
Even the earliest bird becomes soil.
Poet’s Notes:
This post is the fifth installment in my Keystone Reflections series, an agnostic revisiting of the Book of Mormon. Try the previous installment here: Gone to Paradise 4 Nephi.
The featured image of this post is by Foxy_ on Pixabay.
Wheat & Tares 
I guess the phrase that jumped out at me was, “How can you not make fun of the Book of Helaman?” Although if I were writing, it might be the Book of Mosiah. I think most Mormons acquire the ability to have an attitude something like, “Well, it sure seems like the emperor is wearing clothes to me, and they are very nice clothes!” when it comes to the Book of Mormon.
Thanks, Dave B. I enjoy getting your thoughts on scriptural matters. I find it remarkable how starkly different people’s reactions can be to the same text. In the case of the Book of Mormon, those different reactions are of course informed by people’s level of credulity/incredulity. I really struggled with the Book of Helaman this time, because there is much of it I find absurd and/or abusively stern. Yet there are also ideas and phrases in it which I find thought-provoking and useful. I guess that’s why I wound up framing my post through two voices. Yay, dialogue!