When I was a little boy, on a Mother’s or Father’s Day, I asked my parents why there wasn’t a Children’s Day. Over 60 years later, I still remember my father’s reply: “Every day is Children’s Day.” He went on to talk about how everything they do as parents is focused on the children every day. I thought of this often as a parent, with children being the center of everything we do as parents.
This got me to thinking about the difference between celebrating Mothers’ Day vs. Father’s Day at Church. I don’t remember doing anything special for Father’s Day other than maybe a few talks in Sacrament meeting when I was Bishop. In fact, I’ve only been to one ward (in Gilbert, AZ) that did something for the fathers. They had a bunch of pies made, and the Relief Society served a piece to all the men after church in the cultural hall.
I think we don’t really make a big deal out of Father’s Day because, like the title of this post, every day is Father’s Day in the LDS Church. Men have almost all significant leadership callings, and there is ALWAYS a man to answer to in any calling a woman has, while men only have other men as their leaders. Trying to make up for the deficit of women’s recognition in the Church, Mother’s Day gets a bigger part of the Sunday service, though even that falls far short of what the women in the Church deserve.
I don’t think this is limited to the LDS Church. I see that people spend more for Mother’s Day than Father’s Day overall and have more elaborate celebrations for mothers.
What has been your experience at Church for Father’s Day? Have you seen any special celebration other than talks in Sacrament meeting?
Anybody else get pies? Cookies?, Candy Bars?
Wheat & Tares 
Apparently it is also Father’s Day in Ukraine (yes, it is – I just checked the internet). In sacrament meeting in the branch I am attending, the first speaker talked about fathers – she noted that many fathers and other men were away from their families defending the country, and she invited a prayerful approach to the day hoping for the day when all the men will return home.
There was an air raid alarm just as Sunday School was getting started.
Fathers’ day and Mothers’ day get equal treatment in my ward, nearly. The mothers get daffodils. They are in season for British Mothers’ Day which is 3 weeks before Easter Sunday. The fathers get a bar of chocolate. Both get themed sacrament meeting talks and have the kids sing to them.
This is quite different to when I was a kid when only Mothers’ day was recognised. The British Mothers’ day comes from Mothering Sunday, which apparently was a part of the liturgical calendar celebrating your church of baptism, or Mother church, and later the day when domestic servants got the day off to visit their mother church (and their mothers), and so became our Mothers’day.
We began celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day equally when I was Relief Society president. When the men complained about that in ward council, I told them we could quit celebrating Father’s Day as soon as we quit celebrating Mother’s Day. If I had to tolerate it, so did they. We still celebrate equally 20 years later.
I’m sure the talks will be about fathers in my ward today. The primary might be singing “My Heavenly Father Loves Me” in sacrament meeting (but I’m a little unclear on that, because I’m the primary pianist and the first I heard of it was when they emailed the agenda last night). We’re singing “O My Father” as well. (blegh. Such an uninteresting song, musically.)
Second hour my wife will be filling in for me in primary (not at my request) so I can go to EQ where I expect we will have a buffet. In the last few years my ward has gone crazy for both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I expect fruit, cookies, cake, pastries, maybe some parfaits. It boarders on gluttonous. Gone are the days of just handing me a candy bar.
Neither Father’s Day nor Mother’s Day are religious holidays, and therefore I’d be perfectly happy to not celebrate them at church. An acknowledgement at the start of the meeting from someone in charge is sufficient. That’s all most holidays get (or less).
Most of the wards I have been in did something for Father’s Day. The most happy the dads seemed was the year they each got a roll of duct take. Mostly it has been chocolate bars.
They get better talks that are happy stories instead of the guilt inducing mother who sacrifices some big thing for her children. The Father’s Day talks are not as guilt inducing as the Mother’s Day talks that seem too often to send the message that you are falling short of the ideal. Maybe because we idealize motherhood into something not realistic. And somehow, the mother’s day talks always make the women who are not mothers feel bad, either by suggesting that somehow they don’t deserve to be mothers or going so far out of the way to include the nonmothers, that it hurts that the ward bends over backwards to pat them on the head that they will get to be mothers in the next life. Ick. The Father’s Day talks never seen to be offensive or hurt feelings like the Mother’s Day talks do. Maybe that is because people try to make up for the neglect and disrespect women get most of the time. So, they try way too hard to “honor” mothers and end up glorifying it in false ways or guilting women who are not perfect. Mother’s Day puts mothers up on this pedestal and that doesn’t leave room for mothers to be human. We don’t do that to the fathers, which I wish we could copy for mothers.
In most wards today, the fathers will get a cookie. What they deserve is a quick kick in the behind.
For you see, far too many fathers these days should be condemned for lack of effort. The vast hordes of sweatpants and crocs that cover these men is proof of their laziness.
Far too many spend their time playing violent video games and ignoring their children. Instead of reading to or playing with their children, they play games or watch Dua Lipa videos on their cellular telephones. The only activity these men share with their children is occasional joint viewing of a hot dog eating contest on television.
Heaven help the children when the mothers are gone and these so-called fathers are in charge of dinner. A microwaved plate of Irish nachos does not a nutritious meal make.
So yes, let us do away with Father’s Day talks in sacrament meeting. At least until the modern fathers show they actually deserve the cookie.
In the wards I’ve been in, Father’s Day and Mother’s Day were handled kind of similarly. Both involved Primary children singing, talks with that theme, and treats handed out. I guess sometimes Mother’s Day also included one or two extras: classes being covered by all men, or the women standing based on the number of children they had to get “extra” fecundity-based recognition. Most of the Fathers’ Days I remember included mini bundt cakes being handed out (just like for Mother’s Day). Who doesn’t love those? (From the Nothing Bundt Cakes shop) Occasionally the dads got something that was a lame dad pun like “Dad’s Root Beer” or some such. Or yes, I guess just a candy bar. (And sometimes the mothers got some else like a single rose or a marigold starter plant or a chocolate of some sort).
JCS: once again, I had to look up what Irish nachos are. (Basically loaded potato skins, but without the skins.)
There is something interesting about those Primary songs we used to sing, about the sexist assumptions of the nuclear family that prevailed after WW2. In the songs, “daddy” swoops in at the end of the day and is peppered with kisses and hugs. He’s the fun parent, the one that isn’t always there–the special one who carries you around. Not the one who nags you and makes you sad with guilt (those mother’s day songs often were written in a minor key). Somehow there was this idea that the kids belonged more to the mom than the dad (and I don’t think it was because paternity is only 97% accurate throughout history due to the milkman). My mom used to say that if she had married her high school beau, I would have been a farmer’s daughter, but I always wondered why she assumed I would still have been her daughter if she married someone else. Genetically I’m part of both parents, and if they aren’t together, I’m not me, right?
DaveW, the 1948 hymnbook had two musical settings of O My Father, although the other tune was also not that interesting musically, and rarely used. There were also settings of the “familiar tune” for choir and for men’s voices, so that, of the 389 hymns in that book, four were versions of O My Father.
I remember one year the sisters got the men “Big Hunk” candy bars for Father’s Day. And the thing about was–it was totally sincere. There was a sort of craze in the ward at the time among some of the women–they adored their men.
I’m reminded of a father’s day card I saw recently. It says something to the effect of “It’s father’s day! Sit back, put your feet up and watch your show while others bring you treats.” Inside card: “Just like every other day.”
My ward has a history of putting on an ice cream social for the men, or pie-tasting buffet, etc. Often a better treat than what the women get on mother’s day. My favorite year was when each woman received at the end of sacrament meeting a long-stemmed rose that hadn’t been de-thorned, so for the next two hours they had to carry the thorny gifts very carefully to keep them from snagging their clothes or causing puncture wounds (I just tossed mine outside the side door of the chapel). The talks about men tend toward “how much fun” their dad was when growing up (not mine, however, I always feel a little cheated when I hear those accolades, and I know I am not alone). Mother’s day talks center on how deeply self-sacrificing their mothers are, how God blesses mothers with that extra ability. I hate those talks. They put women on pedestals while also claiming they are given a gift that men don’t get that makes women’s self-sacrifice easier, I guess.
Many women skip church on mother’s day because the messaging/experience is just too painful. When I was RSP, I talked with the bishop about this and encouraged a different approach. He asked his wife if she liked mother’s day, and she did, therefore women don’t have a problem with it so we continue as usual.
I agree with others, let’s get mother’s day and father’s day out of church. Or observe mother’s day as it was initially founded: a day for women to organize and protest war.
My ward had one talk about Mother’s Day and gave out a starter plant and a choice of candy bar. Today there was one talk about Father’s Day and some kind of pastry in the kitchen after the block. Each day featured one song by the Primary about moms or dads but not songs I had heard before, which was interesting. The rest of the talks on both days were from the youth about a variety of quick topics. So our ward seems to have toned down the volume for both days and not a big huge production.
I think you’re spot on about Mother’s Day vs. Father’s Day, Bishop Bill. Mother’s Day is a big deal because we try to use it to show that yes we do treat women with respect, as we try to drown out the other 364 days of the year when we thoughtlessly rely on their unpaid and unappreciated labor and carefully exclude them from any but the lowest-level decision-making throughout the Church.
I’ve served in Primary for a number of years. I was–and continue to be, since it’s still happening in my ward–perplexed about why the men have to step in to give the women a break from their Primary assignments on Mother’s Day so they can attend Relief Society (and Sunday School, back when we had the 3-hour block), but the women don’t return the favor for the men serving in Primary on Father’s Day so they can go to Elders Quorum. This is especially puzzling because there are many more women in Primary than men, so it would take much *less* effort for the women to cover for the men than it does for the men to cover for the women.
I’m honestly uncertain about the reason for the asymmetry. My assumption has always been that people feel the women need the break more, because the women are doing 99% of the childcare at home and so really need a break from the children at church on Mother’s Day–whereas the men, who aren’t carrying that load at home, don’t need a comparable break on Father’s Day. It never bothered me too much, since I actually preferred being in Primary, where I could hang out and have fun with the kids instead of enduring the typically boring adult class(es). If the Church offered meaningful adult lessons, though, I might have resented being denied a break the women were given.
I personally appreciate a good Mother’s Day service. Done right, it makes me feel more appreciated than anything my family of boys will do. Done wrong (i.e., talks full of saintly mothers who are nothing like me), it ruins the whole day.
Anna, I live the duct tape idea. I do think there’s a difference in the talks, but I’ve wondered if it’s because the standards for being a good dad are so much lower than for being a good mom. Stories about dads tend to be about that one time he didn’t lose his patience or gave a memorable life lesson in a one-sentence quip (stuff moms do every day!), whereas moms are praised for pretending they “never did care for pie.” Guess what? I like pie. Everyone can have a smaller piece so we all can have some, goshdarnit.
Any Father’s Day talk is better than the one I sat through a couple years ago about how “the government” is pushing dads away from families by taking over their roles, which I assume came from a nostalgia for the past when single mothers were left to fend for themselves and their children if the father abandoned them.
Just a couple primary songs at our Father’s Day. My introvert husband liked the lack of focus.
Our most recent mother’s day was lower focus too with no talks on the topic. I think it’s wise not to make this the focus. However it’s great to visit the widows and widowers with a little treat.