At the risk of navel-gazing, an update.  

Occasionally when something crazy happens at Church HQ or in President Newsroom, people who know me IRL will reach out and ask if I plan to post about it.  And there has been a lot of crazy!  (Like modular temples, and a ridiculous explanation of the difference between secrecy and confidentiality, and DHO telling women to have babies, and rumored handbook changes, and Florida existing, and an absolutely insane series of letters from my stake leadership [to the stake, not just to me], and so on.)  And I haven’t lately. 


I went to a foreign country that was so foreign that it was like a multi-day psychedelic trip. (I mean, I wouldn’t know, I’m not currently a Mormon on Mushrooms, but it’s about what I imagine.)

I did a breathwork class, which was bonkers, and healing.  And I might accept a calling in the nursery which means I have to actually attend second hour of Church?  And this is related to the breathwork, but not in any way I can explain here or using words.  

The weather has turned nice, finally, and there were blossoms and sunshine and now leaves.  That meant my SAD (which I have experienced pretty severely the last several winters) let up and I went off meds that helped me get through the winter but that also kind of dampened my emotions and now I am feeling all the feelings, pleasant and unpleasant.   

I started reading A New Earth, again.  And so many other books.  

Somehow as a result of all of the above, and some more stuff going on at work and home, I have found myself more firmly rooted in the present moment than I have in a long time.  I am guarding that state of mind & spirit carefully.  I am quite sensitive to anything that pulls me away from that.  I am trying hard not to numb or distract myself.  I am realizing how much I have dissociated from my own body and feelings over my lifetime (much of which is thanks to (a) Church and (b) patriarchy and (c) plot twist!!! (a) and (b) are the same thing!!!) and I am trying to get back into my body and feel my way through things moreso than overthink everything.  

So, it’s hard to write much when I’m trying not to think about more than what’s right in front of me right now, and I’m OK with that right now. I have felt a little guilty for opting out lately, like people would interpret that as me being cool with a lot of really uncool things, so I wanted to provide a little context.  I’m not cool with the uncool things.  But I just can’t afford to spend much brainspace on all of that right now. 

As the young ones say, I am not allowing anybody to live rent-free in my head.  There is just so little that is virtuous, or lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, that is coming out of SLC these days.  And that all deserves reporting and discussion.  But I’m not in a position to be the reporter for now.  

I’m totally not announcing my retirement, just a little break.  I’ll be back when I have something virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy to say though!