The Church’s web site is pretty boring. Maybe the Church could use some of the money spent on the PR department (with little results as evidenced in this last week’s press releases) and hire several good copywriters to come up with some better headlines on their web page. Something that will make you want to click on them!
So I thought I’d help them out by coming up with some attention grabbing headlines. Some might even call these Click-bait!
Top Ten Commandments: No 7 will blow your mind!
How to achieve a testimony using this one weird trick!
What this guy said he did in less than a week will make you question everything!
First Pres announces no more Tithing Settlement! You’ll never believe why!
We can guess your faithfulness in 15 questions.
Restricted places in the Temple even the Prophet is not allowed to visit!
Nine reasons why you are late to church. Moms in Provo can’t believe number 4!
11 things Utah Mormons do that California Mormons find utterly bizarre!
97 Year Old Man Shares Secret of Not Going To Hell!
He Thought it Was Just A Pile of Rocks, Then God told him THIS!
Prophet Announces Five New Temples, member’s jaws drop when they see number 3!
Oaks Reveals Brilliant Method of Paying Tithing Even When You Are Poor
Man Finds Gold Plates, Angle Tells Him He Can’t Have them Until He does THIS!
Now it’s your turn to help the Church. What would you suggest?
Image by kirui kiptoo from Pixabay
Check out the two links in the OP and make up your own headline.
Coffee in the Temple? Veil workers spill all!
Full disclosure: I had two massive cups this morning and I’m still freaking nuts – but very very happy
BYU Tramples Queer Students, Again
Now if I could just figure out a story to go with the headline..
New Church Membership Goals Explained”
RMN: “We are shooting for 144,000 members per Revelation 7: 3-8. We’ve been stuck at 2/1000 of the world’s population for years but at current rates we’ll hit 144,000 members and 1,440 temples before I exit the earth”
Very funny post, I love it!
“This 12 year old boy has authority that the President of the United States doesn’t. Click to see what he can do.”
“Local plumber with no leadership experience asked to lead a religious congregation in his spare time. Could you be next?”
1. Mormon Church to build temple on Mars!
2. Bishops don’t want unmarried people to have sex, but pray that married couples have lots of it!
3. First Presidency excommunicates Kirton and McConkie!
4. Church approves J. Golden Kimball’s swearing!
5. Secret pilot project for commercial marketing of valley tan approved by Church!
6. President Nelson rebuked by Q12 for referring to the “MormonChurch!”
This post has already overheated my feeble brain……
Top 5 Essential Oils Favored Most by the Q12
Revelation! Free Agency Discovered to be a Theological Derivative of Obligation
Aaronic Priesthood Redefined as “Full-time Mission” Preparatory Priesthood
Does the Presiding Bishopric’s Investment Advice Include Crypto?
Top 3 Reasons for Coming Home Early from a Mission that Don’t Include the Law of Chastity
Sex Abuse Lawsuits: The Southern Baptist Convention vs the LDS Church. Who wins?
My Grandson Suddenly Quit Breathing and Died (but I will leave out the part where his mother was arrested and charged with homicide because we used our influence to get her off).
Watson-Nelson Clarifies “Unleashed” Comment
The Mormon Church Amassed $100 Billion*
Conference Talk Redone with Fake Audience
Masons, Mormons to Merge in 2030
*this one actually appeared in the Wall Street Journal
The Official List of Mormon Celebrities
Christian Missionary gets punished for not baptizing enough people this week
8 year old asked if they mastrabate prior to baptismal interview.
Prophet holds media fast to ensure people do not learn of his daughters touching parties.
Mormons covenant not to laugh.
Mormons clarify the history of the first visio, by using the 3rd edition ,which was related 12 years later than events.
Mormon claim the doctrine never changes after modifying it for the 10th time for the rsising generation
The LDS church clarifies it is not the Mormon church by stating it is The COJCOLDS, after modifying its name from its original names used in its first 10 years of existence.
Mormon students struggle to get into dental school having lost the ability to memorize with new revamped primary and seminary scripture learning.
Mormon woman widow attains authorizatio to marry a man who was divorced 4 times, who needs no authorization.
Leaving a saturated market, Mormons move to Missouri to create MLMs
Mormon church offers a rebuttal to the AP for not apologizing for their mischaractization of the abuse scandal, while gaslighting its own members.
Mormon man cleans chapel for 500th consecutive week without pay.
Mormon youth on trek are lost in Amish caravan.
Five uncorrelated reasons you shouldn’t drink green tea.
Church-wide fast and prayer announced asking for improved PR.
Four justifications for asking the extreme poor to pay tithing.
Elder Uchtdorf prefers Diet Coke over Diet Pepsi.
Elder Holland announces an academic alliance between BYU and Bob Jones University.
Pres Nelson announces 1000th temple to be built in Antarctica.
Actual Church membership numbers estimated at less than 8M.
Why a coming skin rash plague will force all priesthood holders to grow beards.
How Brigham’s hushed up skin condition influenced pioneer beard fashion trends.
70% of members vote trump in 24.
Trump invited to speak in conference in 2025, on religious freedom. Much promoted by church.
Trump speaks in conference, says mormons are not christians, and will be added to list of illegal religions that already includes muslims, amish, quakers. Church will be shut down and assets confiscated.
Roger, surely as a German, Uchtdorf is a Fanta fan! Beats those colas.
I may be perverse, but clickbaity titles are a huge turn off…
– Church announces Tiny Temples you can build for under $2k in your own backyard using nothing but food storage crates and carpet samples!
– Actual photos of Mormon history that will shock you!
– BYU professor fired for paying tithing on net income!
– BYU fan ejected for using the term “Mormon”!
That last one is a laugh/sob.
Two Kaysville neighbors taking a genealogy class make astounding discovery!!!
After only 3 classes, Ammon Vanderhookbilt and JaStace Alfredsson uncover an astonishing connection!!!
Brother Vanderhookbilt explains, “Her relationship to me is niece of husband of sister-in-law of paternal grandfather of husband of great granddaughter of wife of husband of sister-in-law of 1st great grand nephew of wife of brother-in-law of 1st great grand aunt of wife of 1st cousin 5x removed.
The two were speechless. Other classmates shed tears, knowing this work was directed from the other side.
When JaStace recovered from the surprise, she told those gathered how great full she felt acknowledging the “promptings by each of our 14 relatives who are now patiently waiting for their work to be done.”
Coming soon to a theater near you:
• “Old Fellers” – Documentary chronicling dementia among religious leaders – starring the late Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon
• “Little Women” – Remake of the classic starring Wendy Nelson and Sheri Dew as the manipulative sisters
• “A Marvelous Work Down Under” – Follows the surgical removal of severely wedged undergarments – narrated by Sam Waterson
• “12 Angry Men” – Another classic remake starring Bobby Ballard and Davey Bednar as they present LGBTQ sensitivity training to LDS leaders
• “The Longest Day” – Set in an Orem UT Stake Conference – starring Jeff Holland as the concluding speaker