Scene One: Five sharks are in the studio for the first pitch. They are left to right: Mark Cuban, Daymond John, Kevin O’Leary, Lori Greiner, and Robert Herjavec
Narrator: First into tank is a person that has found a sure fire way of returning to His presence and gaining eternal life.
Theme music plays in the background as GOD enters the studio seemingly floating in the air as He moves and then gently alights on the stage before the sharks.
GOD: Hi Sharks! My name is God, but my friends call me Elohim, and I’m from the planet Kolob. I am the CEO at “Plan of Salvation”. I have developed a way to save all my children. They only need to join the True Church, and they can then earn their way back to me. I am seeking $100 Billion for a 1% stake in the “Plan of Salvation”. So who wants to Save Mankind and join me today?
Kevin: You have a value of $10 trillion, you better have so really good sales for that ask.
GOD: We have a sort of subscription model, where people join our organization and then promise to pay 10% of their income to us. Currently we have about 16,000,000 subscribers, which we call members.
Mark: So you have 16 million members, yet there are about 7.9 billon people, so you only have 0.2% of the market?
GOD: Yes, that is correct, but we are growing.
Daymond: What are your growth rates?
GOD: For 2021 they were 1.2%
The sharks do some calculation on their papers.
Daymond: That 1.2% growth rate is roughly equal to the population of the world growth rate. How do you expect to save everybody if your growth and the worlds growth are the same?
GOD: Well, we expect our growth rate to roll forth unto the ends of the earth, as the stone which is cut out of the mountain without hands shall roll forth, until it has filled the whole earth.
Kevin: So what has your growth rate been like for the past 10 years?
GOD: Well, actually it is going down, but we have faith it will rebound in an upward trajectory at any time.
Lori: Let’s get back to your “members” as you call them. How many of them paying the 10%, and what is the yearly income from that?
GOD: Well, let’s see, I was just reviewing these numbers this morning. About 2 million members pay their 10%, and our income is about $7 billion annually.
Lori: And what are your expenditures?
GOD: We have a $6 billion annual burn rate, and invest the difference.
Mark: What is your plan to keep members?
GOD: Some of the $6 billion yearly is spent to develop facilities that only members who are paying their 10% can enter. We found we can increase income in the areas we build these facilities, earning $1.30 for every dollar spend building them.
Robert: Do you have any competition?
GOD: Well, that is interesting. I have competition from other GODs, which have cornered the market for about 2/3 the world’s population, and then we have counterfeit plans masquerading as my plan.
Lori: Have you taken legal action against the counterfeit plans?
GOD: Well, nothing is proprietary, so we have no legal bases for action, but we changed our name recently to emphasize our unique brand.
Kevin: And how did that name change work?
GOD: Not too well, but we are working on it.
Lori: And what do you plan to do with the $100 billion?
GOD: Invest it in the stock market and real estate.
Mark: So you really don’t need any more money for operations? If you don’t need the money, I think you just came on to get exposure. I’m out.
GOD: Sorry to see you go Mark. I hope Luka Doncic doesn’t have a season ending injury this weekend, just saying…..
Kevin: So let me make you an offer. I want a royalty deal. I’ll give you the $100 billion, but I want 7% of the company, and I want 10% of your yearly income in perpetuity.
GOD: I’m sorry, but our income is sacred, and we can’t be giving that away. We also have a hotel in Hawaii that we have our eye on.
Kevin: I wish you luck, but I’m out
Lori: Have you thought about an infomercial?
GOD: We’ve tried that in the past with little results. In fact about we had a whole campaign ten years ago with commercials, web sites, billboards, and signs on taxies, but that didn’t work.
Daymond: What is your current sales strategy?
GOD: Well, we ask the members to “always be closing” when they talk to their friends and neighbors, and we also recruit a sales force of about 50,000 young people to be full time door to door salespeople.
Lori: What is this, 1965? Door to door sales went out with Avon 50 years ago. Why haven’t you moved to digital marketing?
GOD: The internet has been a double edge sword for us. While it lets us reach more people, it also gives people more info about our plan, and this leads to lower growth and retention. I should have never let Al Gore be born!
Lori: You know, this just isn’t my thing. I just don’t see this selling well on QVC. But I wish you luck, I’m out
Narrator: With three sharks out, only Damon and Robert are left.
Daymond: I really don’t even get out of bed for less than 30% of a company. I’ll give you your $100 Billion, but I’d want 40%, and a seat on your board of directors.
GOD: I’m sorry, but our board of directors is currently full, and they are only replaced when one of them dies. It would take an act of, well…. Me, to change that, and I’ve not changed anything for years. I’m very set in my ways. But I could offer you a job as one of our regional managers.
Daymond: I’m out.
Robert: The problem I see is that this whole business concept does not seem well thought out. It seems like it was put together piece meal, without any real strategy. Your growth rate is terrible, you have no marketing strategy, your product seems dated, I can’t see how you’ll ever reach your goal of total salvation for all humans, and for those reason I’m out.
GOD walks out of the studio, head held high, and says to the camera: They really missed out. One day every knee shall bow to Me, and every tongue shall confess to God!
Narrator: Next into the tank is Satan…….