And now for something completely different. I’m going to talk about what I like about the church (Eli, you can stop trying to reboot your computer, nothing is wrong with it)
For my younger years I lived in Laie Hawaii, where my father was a librarian at the Church Collage of Hawaii, now called BYU-H. The town back back then was probably 90% LDS. There was only one non-LDS girl in my 2nd grade class, and none in 3-5th grade. All my teachers were LDS except one, and Mrs Schilling was the only non-LDS teacher in the entire school. Our principle was on the High Council. This was the time of afternoon primary, and once they announced in school that primary had been canceled for that day. Bonus points if you can pick out Bishop Bill in his 5th grade class photo (hint, he is the skinny nerdy one!)
I have wonderful memories growing up in this LDS environment. All my school friends were also my church friends. We could wander the streets of the town as little boys without a care in the world, and our parents didn’t care. My cub scout leader lived three houses down, and our Bishop next door. Everybody looked out for everybody. I would not trade those memories for anything.
We moved as I started Junior High to central California. Church was now a 30 min drive vice a 5 min walk. but as I started high school and entered Young Mens, the Church provided a wonderful structure for my teen age years. Three years ago I blogged about it here on W&T. I’m still in contact with two of those friends.
I had a great mission to Concepcion Chile, with kind and wonderful mission presidents, and some strange and eccentric companions. I learned Spanish, which I still speak to this day, met some wonderful people, got to visit Cuzco and Machu Picchu in Peru on my way home, and overall had a great time. I’ve blogged about my mission here, here, here and here.
Before my mission my one year at Cal State Fresno was not very good, maybe a 2.5 GPA. After a two year hiatus for my mission, where I learned study habits and grew up, I had a 3.9 GPA upon graduation.
I married a wonderful woman in the Oakland Temple. She was an adult convert and the only member in her family. She regrets to this day that her mother was not able to come to the wedding.
I’ve lived in eight wards my adult married life, in Southern California, Virginia, New Jersey and Maine. All my Bishop’s were kind men, trying to do good. I’ve had some crazy ward members, but also made friends in each area. Last Sunday a member of the EQP and friend invited me come walk with him on the beach at sunset while his dog chased birds. We talked about everything but church.
I don’t drink, smoke, or chase women. I have a rather hyper personality, and sometimes wonder if I would have had problems if I used alcohol.
I have served in almost every calling a man can have in a ward: YM Pres, EQP twice, teacher of just about every class in Sunday School, Clerks of every type, Bishopric counselor twice, and Bishop once. I stayed away from Stake callings, having only been Stake SS Pres and Stake auditor. I like to think I did a good job in those callings.
While Bishop I only convened one disciplinary council, and that was to re-baptize a person after they were excommunicated. I took care of everything else informally. One of my favorite things to do was conduct weddings. I did a hand full of them. Only one was in the church. The rest were in back yards, at the beach, or on some cliffs overlooking the ocean near Santa Barbra.
I believe the Church does some good, and it has done good by me. I’m the quintessential “cafeteria Mormon” and proud of it. I do not believe the Church it is the only way to God, or it is the only “True” church. The Church is not good for my non-binary grandchild, and I’m glad they have left the church along with their mother, father and sister. For my other two married children, the church is providing a good environment for them.
I’ll probably stick around at Church until I die in one form or another, if for no other reason than to have the Monty Python song “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” played at my funeral in a Mormon chapel!
Wheat & Tares 
Thank you for your memorries.
I was born 10 years too late for your journey. I had good experiences growing up in the jello belt. But then lost leadership roulette with a horrible mission presisdent and stake presidents throughout the USA,and never found a ward we belonged in for 20 years. Decision makers who were way too orthodox as the church has shifted away from its prior social programs to making it all toooooo serious. Kept attending but sad watching my kids have minimal positve LDS interactions. Living in central time zone, my kids were bullied at school by the mormons and treated well by the others.
The church loves its programs more than its people.
My final straw was an unreasonable stake president who would not allow my kids to participate in home study seminary or change the time to a reasonable 630 am……he insisted in 530 AM
I was TBM in the callings… but lost leadership roulette and was literally squeezed and chased out of the church as Patrick Mason explains, as i spoke up.
I believe the church can do great things, but it is loosing memebers because it is focused on the wrong prize. What the church could have been if more moderates would have been at the helm instead of the correlation zealots that went too far.
I agree with this post. So much has been lost with the decision to jettison “Mormons” from the Church.
What I mean by that is the elimination of the name Mormon has coincided with elimination of the the loving, social culture that brought strength in togetherness. There was so much closeness in past times when wards had regular dinners, activities, and camp outs. We had a common identity as Mormons, no matter what out prior identity had been. We knew what it meant to be Mormons.
Unfortunately, as this post says, that has been lost. Focus is too often on a church program for the sake of the program, rather than on the program for the sake of the people it can help.
My guess is you are the blonde kid on the back row at the far right. Do I get my bonus points? I have similar memories growing up in Provo two years behind you. However, I’ve been out of the Mormon Church for over 37 years and even had my name removed from church records almost four years ago.
I guess you are the one on front row…2nd to right..with elbow off to side
What a great picture with hawaiian floral print clothes, and a great diversity of kids !!!!
Alohaaaa!
Great post. I also had a wonderful experience growing up in the Church (in a nearly-entirely Mormon community in Utah county). Great leaders, fun ward and youth activities, good sense of community. I also enjoyed Church as a college student on the East Coast with a small but close-knit student group (in a family ward). And I had a great experience on my mission. Loved and still love Gordon B Hinckley, who was prophet from my high school years through mission, grad school, marriage, and my first kid.
My three real complaints during that time period were (1) gender inequality, which was obvious to me from a very young age and which caused a lot of angst about everything from why women couldn’t “hold the priesthood” (I don’t believe that’s accurate framing anymore but is how I framed it then) to why the boys did better activities (they had a much bigger budget than we did) to why I really wanted to work outside the home and was there something wrong with me (thankfully staying home didn’t end up being an option and I’m so glad, I know so many women who chose to stay home because the Church told them to and now regret it); (2) anti-LGBTQ sentiment (this impacted my family when my cousin came out in the early 90’s and I’m sorry to say that for many years we ostracized him over his “choice” and later when my brother came out in 2010 which we did not handle perfectly but handled better); and (3) this overall sense of superiority over non-Mormons that I’m embarrassed to have held and that impacted my ability to really see, love, and learn from non-LDS folks including my grandparents and college friends.
Those are real downsides I didn’t recognize so much at the time but am still trying to unwind. But a ton of upsides and I wouldn’t change the way I grew up. But I totally agree with other commenters that the jettisoning of “Mormon” is representative of a new iconoclastic regime that is eliminating much of what made Mormonism a positive community and identity for me growing up and that is in many ways doubling down on conservative orthodoxy and fear tactics.
Despite my comments here, I am super positive about Church with my kids. But they can’t get past the homophobia and sexism and with no counterbalancing sense of community they don’t have a ton of interest in Church and don’t understand why I try so hard to stay engaged.
I read the first line . . . LOL. Well done Bishop Bill.
I grew up in both Salt Lake and Iron County, and consider southern Utah my roots. It looks like Elisa and I are close to the same age. Some of my earliest memories in Salt Lake County involved watching or participating in the ward road shows, which were limited to the stake at the time and done away with by about the time I was baptized, I believe. Even as a young child, despite some amount of stress for some of the adults, I could see how those shows united the ward and was a huge source a joy, teamwork, and just an overall good time. I think they were a huge factor in uniting the ward. At the same time, I can see the draw away from family time.
I also remember hanging out at my grandpa’s house when he was the ward employment specialist. Grandkids were the world to Grandpa, but when someone needing work came over, he respectfully asked me be seen and not heard while he helped someone in need. Even as a five-year old, I remember wondering in awe how Grandpa could show a complete stranger (at least to me) the same time, dedication, and genuine concern he showed me. Gradually, I tied it to the Gospel of Jesus Christ as aided by the vehicle of the Church. I have tried to apply both those teachings and Grandpa’s example.
I love many of the programs of the Church but recognize they’re often run by flawed people. It seems for every story here about how a particular program supposedly failed a person, I’m reminded of many more where the program worked on a very personal level, exactly as it was intended.
In my heart, I’d like to believe that the Gospel of Jesus Christ, as found in the vehicle of the Church, has universal application to every human being, with the Spirit bridging any real or perceived gaps. But realistically, I’ve also reluctantly come to believe that the realities of mortality won’t always make that possible for everyone in this life.
As I read your piece, the thought occurred to me that as much as I criticize the Church, there are societal changes that make active Church life much less attractive than it used to be. In other words, the Church has plenty of its own problems but that’s not the entire story:
1. Technology: whether it’s high-def cable/satellite TV, the Internet, or gaming, technology has replaced other parts of society (social clubs, church groups, etc) for our attention.
2. Sports: if a kid is involved in sports, there’s a good chance that it’s year-around with many demands on time.
3. Two-income homes: this seems much more common today than when I was growing up, even among members of the Church. I remember attending after-school Primary. That would be virtually impossible today.
4. General safety: I used to run around as a kid (70s and 80s) on my bike and in general in a way that I did not allow my own kids in the 2000s. It’s just more dangerous out there (at least that’s the perception).
In sum, the Church has created many of its own problems, no doubt. But many of the reasons that it no longer has the draw it once had us because of the demands on our time and attention today compared to 40 or 50 years ago. Can you even imagine trying to pull off the kind of road show performance that many of us participated back in the day?
Bishop Bill, if it isn’t too personal, where in Maine did you live? My grandparents used to live in Millinocket and Wilton before joining the Church and moving to Utah.
Dylan, I worked at Bath Shipyard in the mid 1980′, and lived just south of there in Topsham just outside of Brunswick.
@Josh H I agree. I think a lot of the changes are a result of cultural and societal changes outside of Church and not intentional decisions by the Church. A lot of activities like roadshows etc relied on stay-at-home moms, and people overall are a lot more scheduled now than they were when I was a kid with sports etc becoming much more competitive at earlier and earlier ages.
I am a convert to the church when I was a teenager. I’m 65 so this year will be my 50th anniversary of membership. I’m the only member in my family.
I’ve loved the church for all it’s taught me about love, helping others, leading and teaching, being brave (or have enough faith) to accept callings that are difficult, and of course the love of God and our Savior.
I’ve married in the temple, been in small branches and medium to large wards. I’ve never lived in Utah except as a BYU student. I didn’t learn until after I was baptized about the priesthood ban or polygamy. When I was a student I heard some other students talking about sex and how the church approved some things and not others between married people. I thought, no way.
In 1991 President Benson said women should not work and stay home with the children. I couldn’t believe the church felt they could direct every aspect of our lives!
Fast forward to past 2000. I find out one of my kids is gay. I’m ok with it and we do everything to support him. But of course the church was against him and us and he eventually left the church. Today it’s worse. Glad he left when he did.
5 years ago I got tired of it and felt my testimony sliding away. I thought I joined a church that would bring me closer to Christ. Not a church that wanted to control every aspect of my life and barely mention Christ. I’m a member in name only. A MINO! But not in spirit.
JR in AZ got it right, I’m the skinny, really white kid in the top row, far right. Yes Faith, it was a very diverse class. All the haole (white) students in school were BYU faculty kids. The rest were local kids. Contrary to the haule kids in other schools on the island, we were treated with Aloha, and I never got beat up by the locals, mostly because I went to church with them on Sunday! But you know, as a kid, I never really thought it was a diverse class, it was just kids and we all got along. .
Bishop Bill, thanks for the bonus points 😊 BTW, it’s JR in AR (Arkansas).
My parents are converts, and there was a story about my grandparents sending the kids off to Sunday School but not attending themselves because Church was for children. On some level, this is deeply true. The memories growing up in the Church are so much different than being an adult Church member. No ward I’ve been in has been truer than the branch where I grew up in Central PA. Those are the truest lifelong friends, the ones I will always look out for. We did roadshows, dance festivals, camps, and played basketball together. We went to six different high schools and had to drive over 20 miles of country roads to get to Church, but it was a great group of people, and we had fun together. Most of my Church friends no longer attend, but we are all still close despite living far from each other.
As an adult, it was easier to make friends when my kids were forming their own friendships in the ward. As empty nesters, the basis for friendships is not the same at all. It’s much harder to have strong ties. We don’t need anything like we did when the kids were younger. Without those social ties, there isn’t a whole lot of there there. The lessons and talks feel so repetitive, Zoom church is like torture, and adults are more politically polarized and vocal about it now than ever before. People talk about leaving the Church, but they don’t often talk about feeling like the Church has left them.
Faith,
Ours was similar, the stake stopped home study the year my daughter was old enough for seminary and moved the 5:30 class to 6:30–and consolidated all the classes to the church next to the rich high school, which didn’t give enough time for her to get back across town and to Jazz Band at her high school on time–and also a real slap in the face to the kids in the poor part of town who could barely get themselves to the church close to their high school…
TBH it was the busy-ness that broke my kids, not up to seminary, two instruments, orchestra and a life. Since it was attend seminary or you will be forever invisible, they eventually decided out not in. So difficult, I loved seminary myself but wasn’t a musician, not sure the choosing is very helpful as there must be at least as many who choose out as in.
Thank you BishopBill for directing me here. Like all of us, I have things I would like to be different in the church, but I am much more interested in being grateful than complaining (although I can do that well). Some things I’m grateful for in a bullet list:
–I learned how to speak in front of people
–I learned how to teach a lesson
–I learned how to lead a meeting
–I learned how to speak a foreign language
–I have had the opportunity to serve alongside people far more skilled and experienced than me in ways that would never happen outside the church.
–I have had people I barely know give remarkably thoughtful acts of kindness to me many times
–I have made friends that are interested in helping me be a better person
The list gets much longer, but I have way more to be grateful for than to complain about. Thank you!