There are many stories shared online about busybody ward members who pry into people’s private lives, either with good intentions or not. Sometimes these are simply tactless questions about personal matters like the state of one’s marriage or lack thereof, one’s children or lack thereof, or one’s church attendance or lack thereof. In a church of home and visiting teachers, we sure do make it easy for a determined busybody to interrogate others.
I recently read a great article about the types of questions women in particular are often subject to. The author shares an example:
A decade ago, during a conversation that was supposed to be about a book I had written on politics, the British man interviewing me insisted that instead of talking about the products of my mind, we should talk about the fruit of my loins, or the lack thereof. Onstage, he hounded me about why I didn’t have children. No answer I gave could satisfy him. His position seemed to be that I must have children, that it was incomprehensible that I did not, and so we had to talk about why I didn’t, rather than about the books I did have.
The author goes on to talk about the impossibility of answering such inappropriate questions that presume only one correct answer. She goes on to point out that even that one correct answer is often insufficient because if a woman admits to having children, then it’s fair game to question her parenting ability and commitment in a way a man is seldom asked to answer. As she puts it:
There is no good answer to being a woman; the art may instead lie in how we refuse the question.
More broadly, how do we all (not just women) address probing questions that are really nobody’s business?
Why do people ask inappropriate questions? Usually they do this because they have strong opinions about how others should live their lives, at times applying their opinions even to complete strangers. On a recent episode of Madame Secretary (Season 2, Episode 4, Waiting for Taleju), the Secretary of State’s daughter is under scrutiny when photos of her in bed with her boyfriend are leaked to the media by the feckless boyfriend’s disgruntled Secret Service detail. Her father, an ethics professor, is on a news program when a caller named Jeff asks him the following question:
JEFF: Uh, I’ve been listening to you talk about the moral codes of Christianity and Islam. And I think it’s so interesting that you hold yourself up as an expert on morality when all I’m finding online about you is a photo of your daughter rolling around in bed – with the president’s son. . . . Is that your definition of moral parenting, Dr. McCord? – Is that your definition?
PROF. McCORD: – No, no, I’d like to answer that. You ask an interesting question, Jeff. I’d like to start by making a distinction that I usually make on the very first day of my Morals and Ethics class. A lot of people say that morals are how we treat the people we know and ethics are how we treat the people we don’t know. So morals are what make us a good parent, a good friend, a nice neighbor. But ethics are how we build a society. That’s the true test of our higher self. But what happens, Jeff, when society is ruled by the subjective morals of, say, you and your family and you choose to project that onto complete strangers is that we all end up with a society that’s governed by self-aggrandizement. – So, really, by calling – Oh to make sure you’re the first little pedant to jump off your chair and teach me a lesson with smug superiority about your own particular moral point of view when you know precisely nothing of the situation, you’ve done your part to contribute to the erosion of our entire social fabric. Pat yourself on the back. Bravo.
Prof. McCord 1, Jeff 0. As he points out, impertinent questions like this are about self-aggrandizement and smugness, not about treating others with kindness nor about building a stronger society. This exchange reminded me of what Craig H. wrote in his article on Luther’s 95 Theses on BCC this past weekend:
Luther responded that he was thoroughly in favor of good works, in fact should be called the doctor of good works, he just wanted people to understand that grace doesn’t come from those works; instead good works flow out of grace.
So if everybody’s in favor of doing good works anyway, then why stir things up? Because, said Luther, how you think about works affects which works you do and how you approach them: doing good works to earn grace tends to make you obsessed with yourself and your purity.
So while doing good works is good, doing them to get credit for doing them (even if it’s just theoretical scorekeeping or having a “checklist” mentality, ways we try to determine we are worthy of God’s grace) creates an obsession with remaining pure and unspotted rather than on loving and serving others. When we are focused on staying pure, we try to avoid those who are impure, to punish them for their inferiority, to keep them at arm’s length, to purge them from our midst. Or as Albi the racist dragon says to the little Albanian boy: “Don’t touch my tail. You’ll get it dirty.”
Often we answer impertinent questions rather than questioning the asker because we are caught off guard in the moment. That’s an uncomfortable place to be.
We are constantly given one-size-fits-all recipes, but those recipes fail, often and hard. Nevertheless, we are given them again. And again and again. They become prisons and punishments; the prison of the imagination traps many in the prison of a life that is correctly aligned with the recipes and yet is entirely miserable.
Sometimes someone pushes a one-size-fits-all at you because it works well for them, but more often, it seems that the ones who push these solutions at others do so because misery loves company. They have stuck to the narrative, and it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, so why should you get off light? The author’s inner monologue when confronted with these types of individuals resonates:
I have done what I set out to do in my life, and what I set out to do was not what the interviewer presumed.
As she succinctly summarizes:
Society’s recipes for fulfillment cause a great deal of unhappiness, both in those who are stigmatized for being unable or unwilling to carry them out and in those who obey but don’t find happiness.
What types of impertinent questions have you been asked by your fellow church members? What were your (h/t Mad Magazine) snappy comebacks to stupid questions?
Discuss.
My least favorite question that I get asked almost every time someone at church learns that I work full time:
“Who raises your children while you’re at work?”
My husband and I do. I don’t stop raising them the second we’re apart. Also, there is an assumption that it’s ok for me to work, but only if my mom is watching my kids. She’s a doctor, she felt strongly impressed by the spirit to make that choice. She didn’t give up on that for the pressure to stay home with her own kids, why do people think she would do it for mine? I live in the same stake as my parents. Most of the people who ask me if my mom “raises” the kids know her.
I always feel stuck when people ask these questions because I don’t want to get into any sort of argument at church.
“How many children do you have?” is the question I most dislike, especially coming from CES types. Apparently I’m not pulling my weight with two, judging from the response. Just because my parents and several of my siblings have rather more, that does not obligate me to do the same. I am not them.
My favorite answer to nosy questions is, “Why do you want to know?” I always ask it in the nicest way with a smile. If by chance it’s a sincere question then I can answer, if not, I just smile and look them in the eye while they squirm. For example, who watches your kids while you work? Nosy, judgemental asker tries to come up with a reason for wanting to know your personal business, mom thinking about going back to work answers that she is looking for options for childcare.
I sometimes answer the questions. People really don’t enjoy the answers c
When I am asked a nosy question I answer but, tend to lie and do it in an over the top gross or shocking way. For instance:
“How many kids do you have?”
“Do you mean with my wife or are you looking for a grand total?”
“Why weren’t you at church last week?”
“Well, if you must know I spent the whole day .”
or
“I didn’t come because I was so looking forward to today when BrotherSister so-and-so would come and interrogate me about my Sabbath day worship habits”
I rarely get asked nosy questions again by the same person because they really don’t want to know. Is it nice? Probably not but, the older I get the less I care about what other people think.
I must have used some html that my previous comment didn’t like. One of the above responses should have read:
“Well, if you must know, I spend the whole day…insert some graphic gross body function here.”
We’ve been married for almost ten years with no kids. We finally got people to stop asking “When are you going to have kids?” when we consistently answered “When we figure out how to do it! Do you have any tips?”
Impertinent question #1: “Why do you only have 1 child (or substitute your favorite question re: reproduction)?
Slightly Witty Response: “We got it right the first time and so we don’t need to have any more.”
Impertinent Question #2: (Directed to my husband, by a home teacher after I explained that I would be starting a PhD program) “Are you going to let her do that?! What about your son?”
Not so witty response: “Thanks for coming by. It’s time for you to go.”
When people ask how many children I have I answer simply. That doesn’t seem like a nosy question to me. If they follow up with, “just getting started then, huh” or “trying for more?” I have a variety of tame responses, but each time I resolve to next time say when I last had sex, how often, what type of birth control was used, etc.
I think that asking someone how many children they have can be nosy depending on the context, but for the most part I think that falls into the category of normal getting to know you questions.
Where are you from?
What do you do?
Do you have children? If so, how many?
Just a comment. Last week the lesson in primary was: I can be pure and righteous. I decided to scrap that in favor of my own lesson: I can follow Jesus. I don’t want my primary kids to be afraid of getting their tails dirty. I want them to dive in and get their tails dirty serving others.
Oh, and people used to ask me all the time when I was going to have another child. Thankfully I’m too old for those questions now.
Once, I asked my next door neighbor if she and the guy she lived with were a couple or just roommates. I swear, I was just wondering whether I should make them 1 Christmas ornament or two! I was so grateful that she didn’t light into me. She very politely told me it was none of my business and I apologized.
EBK — there is a real social class issue in that normal conversation for some groups is not for others and depending on the answers it is a great start or can get awkward.
If we were just a little more homogeneous that would solve it but not be fun.
I love the show Madam Secretary but would have appreciated a spoiler alert since I hadn’t gotten around to watching that one yet….
And I am never as witty as those folks on TV.
Stephen,
I definitely agree with you that it can be a tricky question depending on the group. For the most part, when other women at work ask me how many children I have it is a completely innocent getting to know you question. At church, it can go either way.
Last week we had the missionaries over for dinner. I don’t think a group of nosier people exist (I’m saying this as a returned missionary). They not only asked if we had any more than the two children present, then went on to ask if we planned to have more and how many. When I responded, “Not right away, we’re deciding one at a time,” (I have a three month old, I definitely am not looking to have one right now) the three elders then began to expound upon the importance of large families. I just nodded and smiled, but all I could think was, “Thank you 18 year old boys for telling me how blessed I will be to carry, birth, and care for many more children.”
Those same elders questioned us about the activity of our families and when I mentioned that my Dad wasn’t active they started probing into why he wasn’t active and if I would give them his address. When I flat out told them that he didn’t like missionaries (that’s not really true) and he wouldn’t be receptive to their message (that is true) they said they would pray for him and that if I were righteous enough it could change his heart. Ugh.
what is more interesting to me is not what people ask, but what people are more than willing to disclose. Over the pulpit at F&T meeting, giving a talk, or just when you ask some one how they are.
Not to mention Facebook.
Some have no filter when it come to their personal woes.
I have a picture of my family on my desk at work. Last week a visitor asked my “Are those really all your children?” In this case it was not offensive at all. The visitor is from China and no one has 6 kids over there. The other US locations of our company are in large cities, where more than 3 children per family would be unusual.
I answered politely that I knew that few people he meets have a family size anywhere near 6 children, but that in smaller metro areas in the middle of the US, many people have larger families. There are at least 2 coworkers at my site that have 5 kids, and there are probably some with more that I do not know about.
I will also note that China changed their draconian family policy later that same week.
I think that in the ward family, there are very few boundaries. Being a “brother” or “sister” gives some the license to ask the most personal questions. Yes, it’s rude, but on the other hand, these are people who you will call upon to be there in the middle of the night, to walk long roads with you, provide casseroles, etc. Can you blame them for gettin’ all up in your business? They are just trying to prepare themselves.
(Sorry, I keep trying to tell myself that, but frankly, I still think it’s rude and simply voyeuristic.)
So, there’s that classic story about the home teacher asking JS if he said led his family in prayers, blessed the food, etc.
Finding the fine line between watching over one’s home teaching families and asking inappropriate questions is, in my experience, never discussed and left to figure out via trial and error.
I expect most HT and VT are polite and stay away from sensitive questions, missing the opportunity to stick their nose in someone else’s business and then go running back to the bishop with details, but your mileage may vary.
One time I was introduced of sorts just previous to me giving a talk. The Bishopric member, let’s say his last name is Murphy, said something in a snide way like “it’ll be interesting to hear what he has to say” So, when I got up I said, “Thank you Bro. Murphy, I love Irish people, I mean someone has to put out the fires!” HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
If I limited the conversation to what was my business, there wouldn’t be a conversation at all. I don’t ask because it’s my business; I ask because I’m looking for something to connect over, or at least to pass the time together with minimal awkward silences. It’s hard enough to keep a social interaction going without filtering everything I say through the increasing number of “What not to say to…” lists circulating the web. What if I just promise I’m not judging your responses? (Unless you respond with, “It’s none of your business,” in which case I will judge that we are not kindred spirits and duly stop looking for something to connect with you over.)
Laurel, you can easily connect w someone and find similar interests by asking:
What do you do for fun?
What are some of your hobbies/interests?
What’s your favorite kind of music?
Where did you grow up?
Or play a fun/basic game of would you rather:
Beach or cabin?
Sprite or Coke?
Book or movie?
These actually can help you get to know each other. All while minding your own business. So.
Sar – don’t use that comeback if you don’t want the answers. During the couple of years we were trying to conceive I got all sorts of unsolicited advice about various bedroom tactics. I do have to admit that one was so incredibly detailed about confetti and balloons that I started crying cause I was laughing so hard. That wardmember was ecstatic when she found out I was pregnant 6 months later.
Kristine, I don’t consider someone’s hobbies and geographical history to be my business either, but I do ask about these things as well. They can’t keep a conversation at the ward Christmas party going indefinitely. In my experience, talking about family expands conversation exponentially. Especially in a ward setting where I will presumably be socializing with these people for years to come, I think it would be weird if I didn’t offer polite interest in the basics of someone’s life. This isn’t to say that people don’t pry and judge, but while I’m exhausting my introverted brain trying to socialize I’d prefer not to be misinterpreted for one of them.
What is a good response to “where were you last week? We missed you at church”?
What do you say?
I find a lot of members don’t tell the truth. They say they were ill, they were visiting family, or attended another ward that week.
If you feel defensive when asked something you should probably just say in a friendly voice, “Oh? Why do you ask?” You can answer or not, that’s your choice, but the author of the article I was reading recommends “opening” the closed questions by asking them something open ended in return. She defined a “closed” question differently than many do. Most would say a closed question has a pre-defined simple answer such as yes/no, true/false or multiple choice. An open question is more like an “essay” answer. She was expanding the definition of a closed question as any question that the asker has a strong opinion about what the answer should be, even if your answer might be a rambling story.
We all feel defensive about different types of questions. If you feel that it’s the sort of thing you’ve been judged for in the past, you might feel defensive.
Years ago we were planning a work party and we were deciding whether or not to allow team members to bring a guest. Because we had such a variety of team members, I wasn’t sure what to call their guests, and I hadn’t yet landed on the term “plus one,” so I was saying “Should they bring a guest, a spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, what term should we use?” One of my direct reports who happened to be a lesbian in a long-term committed relationship (before gay marriage was legal – they are now married) heaved a weary sigh and said, “I just call her my wife.” I said, “Oh, I call her your wife, too. Of course you’ll bring Deb. I was thinking of those young guys on the team who still live at home and don’t have a girlfriend. I wasn’t sure who they might want to invite.”
So sometimes, a loaded question isn’t really as loaded as you think it might be. It hadn’t even occurred to me that she would think I was talking about her in trying to find the right phrasing.
I don’t see any difference between “Do you have any kids?” and “What kind of music do you like?” I see both as honest attempts at friendly conversation. I’m in favor of friendly conversation.
Thanks Hawkgrrl!
That’s a good idea. I’m putting it in my back pocket. Culturally and socially, these are loaded questions.
That’s why it’s best to lie. (Just kidding.)
Like when my husband and I were getting married. He already had 4 kids and I had six. A church member ask him(a non member) if we were going to have any together. He answered “No, but we are going to try!” best ever answer for a nosy molly!
You’re so right that sometimes the negative response to the answers is because they followed the recipe and were disappointed and I didn’t follow the recipe (it just turned out that way, I didn’t set out to do so initially) and my life is great. There is a little bit of ‘that’s not fair’ in their response to my answers. It often makes me feel (temporarily) guilty and so I close off and share less and less with ward members. I’ve never had a good response. I’m going to use some of the techniques mentioned above. See if it helps.