My mission presented me with some fascinating culinary adventures. I traversed mountains of fat, swam seas of high fructose corn syrup, scaled cliffs of salt, waded through bogs of eternal ketchup, and frolicked in cities of processed food.

You too can tread these blessed paths if you follow a few recipes I developed. These were designed to suit the budget of the poverty stricken missionary. Please add a hefty dose of prayer to each.

Pigs in a Bagel

1 halved bagel–not blueberry, though cinnamon will do in a pinch
1 hot dog cut length-wise
1 slice processed cheese–the Saran-wrappier the better

Place hot dog halves parallel to each other on either side of the bagel hole. Place cheese slice on top. Using old sock as hot pad, pull the top oven rack from an oven pre-heated to high broil. Place concoction directly on rack. Push rack back in. Peek through oven window–bagel is done when the middle of the cheese has melted through the hole and added a new layer to the charred stalagmite growing from the oven floor. Burn fingers removing the bagel. Slather with ketchup. Enjoy.


Plastic grocery bag
Pocket change

Around 9 p.m., go to coffee shop near your apartment–the one chock full of old Greek guys. Battle through towering banks of tobacco smoke. Buy day-old donuts at 10 cents apiece. Fill grocery bag with them. Reflect on the fact that these babies have marinating in smoke all day. Gobble a few on your way home. Brush teeth. Brush teeth again. Go to sleep with a pleasant buzz. Also good for bruises and all sick cattle.


Find an old jar of it in the back of the cupboard. Feel a surge of curiosity. Grasp the lid. Twist. Catch whiff. Replace lid. Shove jar to back of cupboard. God, after all, can do only so much to protect missionaries.