While cleaning my home office this week, I found a book a friend had given me years ago. The book is part biography and part a collection of his sermons and quirky stories and sayings. Kimball was a General Authority (70) for over 40 years, and in his last five years was senior President of the Seventy. His father was Apostle Heber C. Kimball.
We’ve all heard his stories, and his somewhat irreverent way of speaking. He are some of the more popular ones
“I may not always walk the straight and narrow, but I sure in hell try to cross it as often as I can.”
“A sermon should be like a woman’s dress. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep your attention.”
“I don’t know about this here eternal marriage business. But it seems to me that if you can’t live with the sons-of-bitches on earth the Lord won’t force you to remain with them in heaven.”
“What can God do for a liar who refuses to repent? Can the Lord save him? He can’t claim salvation. Baptizing him in water will not settle the trouble, unless you keep him under.”
“I believe if I had a house in hell and a house in St. George, I’d rent out the one in St. George and live in hell. I really would.”
“Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn’t been related to Heber C. Kimball I wouldn’t have been a damn thing in this church.”
“Well, I’ve almost got the problem licked. I’m eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I’ll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)”
“Cut me off from the Church? They can’t do that! I repent do damn fast!”
― J. Golden Kimball
I think we enjoy hearing these because we know our leaders are pretty uptight and stuffy, and to be able to share these with fellow Mormons is a way to convince ourselves that we not that different from the outside world.
While the above quotes are pretty well known, I did find some in the book that were new to me.
HALFWAY TO CELESTIAL GLORY
In one sermon J. Golden declared, “I would like to preach a man’s funeral sermon while he is living; you can’t tell the truth about him when he is dead. I have given many a man a ticket to the celestial glory that I knew wouldn’t take him half way”
J Golden Kimball, Page 71
I also found several that reflected the misogamy of that era
COMBS AND HUSBANDS
A well-dressed, fine looking woman entered the ward chapel. It was a rural community. Brother Kimball, the visiting authority was staying at her home We be, u the family well. “Had to look twice ; I hardly knew you, Julia” Then he reached down and touched her on the shoulder, “Let me give you some advice; why don’t you fix up a little around the house, put on a better dress, slick up your hair a bit, kalsomine your face, and wear a big smile like you’ve got on now? If you don’t, you’ll be losing your husband one of these days, and I wouldn’t blame him much, would you?”-From Julia, herself.
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During the course of his remarks at one ward (addressing the young people) he said, “I am reminded that this is the month of June and that it’s mating time. I suppose some of you young folks will be getting hitched up to each other. And I just want to warn you not to expect too darn much of each other, and maybe you won’t be disappointed. Now, here when I got married, I thought I was marrying an angle, and many are the times since that I wished I had”
J Golden Kimball, Page 71, 77
Looks like some things never change! This sound like something our current leaders would say!
Do you think it is possible to have a J Golden Kimball in the current correlated Church? Is there anybody among the General Authorities that come close to somebody like Kimball, or are we so far removed from that church of 100 years ago that we’ll never see this again?
Wheat & Tares 
In the spirit of Taylor Swift, we are never, ever, ever getting another J. Golden Kimball, at least not a public one. The era of overlooking the faults of leaders (even egregious ones – Joseph F. smith, anyone?) is over. Further, the Church is perhaps more image conscious than it has ever been. We’re not gong to elevate someone who publicly talks about his problems with the Word of Wisdom or swears over the pulpit lest half the Twelve and the entirety of the First Presidency keel over dead from shock. Are there General Authorities who swear? Sure. Do they do it in public? No, and probably not even in front of their peers. Why? I think the answer is at least partly because why cut off the slim chance you have of making it to the front row of red chairs in the Conference Center? Being (or at least acting) safely orthodox got them this far and they are far too old to be learning new tricks at this point.
If there was another J. Golden, we can be assured that any off-the-covenant-path remarks would be scrubbed from of any online printed material, and video re-takes would be done to replace those ‘improper’ remarks. Too bad there hasn’t been another J. Golden…it would have humanized GC and made the sessions, and the church, less robotic.
I imagine there are a few bishops that have his vibe, but that’s the extent of how far anyone could make it up the hierarchy these days. And most of those bishops are probably far from the jello belt where there are ample options for more circumspect leaders.
J. Golden was a treasure. In this era of correlation and conformity, he will never be replaced. I had hopes that Uchtdorf would be allowed to sustain some charisma, but alas, he has caved to the Bednar/Oaks orthodoxy of top-down lecturing rather than speaking with caring and empathy.
I often ponderize about how a job posting for an LD$ Inc. GA would read. Perhaps something like:
“Wealthy US based corporation masking as a religion for tax purposes seeks senior executive officer. Qualifications include business or legal background, ability to speak in hushed monotones, and proven skills in deflecting historical truths and the criminal acts of middle management. Independent thinkers need not apply.”
A GA like J. Golden? We can barely even get more than a handful of faculty at BYU like J. Golden (although there are several in my department…present company included).
The leadership funnel/pyramid/vetting process militates against virtually all personality differences as one moves up the ladder (bishop to stake president to Area Authority to GA). The system is, to a significant degree, self-replicating (not to mention sychophantic)…so the likelihood of an anomaly getting through is miniscule.
I wish we had a beatification/canonization process in the LDS Church. “St. Golden” has a nice sound to it. And if one needs any miracles, J. Golden stories have brought joy and laughter to the most uptight people in God’s creation.
Bishop Waddell’s Conference talk was interesting – Restore by Faith Matters and other smaller events including the Travel with LDS tourguides industry show that there is a market for novel approaches – the most liked conference talks are the unique ones i.e. One Percent Better from Michael Dunn Oct 2021. Bishop Waddell is indirectly and misguidedly telling us to “choose His words through the scriptures and the teachings of living prophets” the latter of which have been sanitized as the comments here demonstrate.
Which also makes the calling of Emily Freeman as YW pres a bit ironic as she is a mini-celebrity but I’m sure she will do a fine job.
Bishop Waddell does not like the worship of politicians, bloggers, influencers, athletes, DQ, honky-tonks, 7-11, crocs, videogames…
I don’t want to hijack the comments but there is a large list of non-GA influencers where Saints are going these days to add a little flavor to our high-demand religion. Feels like J. Golden was probably a favorite GA back in the day.
Thanks for posting this. Is it possible? Not in Utah and not among young men (40 and younger). Young men today are not generally nuanced sufficiently to both be authentic and faithful. Again, generalizing, I think young men today believe, for instance, that swearing like Brother Kimball is authentic (and I swear a lot , use harsher words than “hell,” and do it all of the time) but let the swearing pollute their faith. Immaturity. I don’t know…something about a few older men that can do it all…swear, use humor to soften the critiques, and yet stay faithful.
Chet is correct that there is a long list of nonGA influences that people are turning to. But rather than someone who gives a great talk with a sense of humor, we have serious but slightly unorthodox on the left or right. While J Golden was well within orthodoxy, some of the new people finding a following have the leaders slightly worried. I remember some characters who made the circuits of firesides, and were entertaining, but still inspirational. Now we now have slightly unorthodox leftists, and extreme right wing preppers that are gathering their own followings. We have the likes of Givens on one side and Julie Row on the other writing books, and gaining the same kind of stardom that the fireside speakers used to have. The right has members criticizing the church president for telling us to wear masks, and the left criticizing the prophet for taking the BOM as history.
While I am too far out to like the fringe on either side, I worry more about the preppers because the left just leave the church, while the right is trying to hasten the disasters that they think precede the second coming.
J. Golden was not great because he used profanity. He was great because he was not afraid to tell it like it was.
If something needed his strongest possible recommendation, he was not afraid to give it. He was not afraid to tell young people of his day that they were on a honky tonk paved road to Hell.
And that is the difference in leadership that made him great. Today’s leaders are afraid to tell it like it is. They are afraid that a recognition of the hard realities will make the truly lazy members leave.
Any leader seeking to emulate J. Golden needs to recognize this difference. Condemn what needs to be condemned, and don’t use profanity simply to impress the crown raised on Cardi B and Dua Lipa music.
De Novo: one minimum qualification I would add to your “job posting”: Applicants must be male (and identified as male at birth) to be considered.
Profanity is the hot sauce of language. Too much can ruin it, but the right amount can really enhance all the other parts.
Golden’s sharp (sometimes ascerbic) wit is so refreshing at times, especially in our age of very serious speeches delivered with saltine dryness. Some of the GAs have razor sharp wits, but correlation generally beats it out of their talks and public image.
@John Charity Spring – aw come on, Dua Lipa and Cardi B are both kinda fantastic.
The Q15 need a serious dose of reality. Golden was willing to give it. Unfortunately, no one in Church leadership seems willing to provide it, at least not in public. The Church is trapped in religiously conservative quagmire and not showing any signs of wanting to escape. Reminds me of the TS Eliot poem: The Hippocampus. The hippo ascends to heaven and the church is lost in a “miasma mist.”
A work colleague of mind told me once that there are so few words people understand he hates to limit his vocabulary. While I understand that some words should be avoided in a religious setting, some other words for emphasis would improve the message. What if Pres Nelson at the pulpit said: “Damnit, help the poor, help the needy, help the refugees. We need to be more Christlike.”
As for JCS, are you Jack in disguise? Thank you for not mentioning Bon Jovi. His “It’s My Life” is my theme song. Welcome back, but expand your message.
“Characters” don’t really have a place in wealthy, well-established multinationals unless that person is Steve Jobs. If that multinational happens to be a church administered by a very conservative hierarchy this times 10.
Man, he wasn’t called Golden for nothing. These quotes are golden indeed. A J. Golden Kimble nowadays would ruffle a lot of feathers, no doubt. They other leaders are too deep into organizational business philosophy to get a guy like that.
John Charity Spring, the fact that you know who Cardi B. and Dua Lipa are says something. My 80-year-old parents are absolutely clueless as to who these people are. Dua Lipa is something else. An Albanian Kosovar Muslim (well, culturally, she isn’t a strict practitioner of Islam by any means) rises to dominate the English-language music scene. Amazing person who hosts a podcast series and is culturally aware and articulate. Considering how looked-down-upon Muslims and Albanians are in Europe, go Dua. To the moon!
“A sermon should be like a woman’s dress. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep your attention.”
That does it, I’m converting to Mormonism tomorrow.
“I believe if I had a house in hell and a house in St. George, I’d rent out the one in St. George and live in hell. I really would.”
Gen. Philip Sheridan, 1866: “If I owned Texas and all Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.”
https://quoteinvestigator.com/2021/07/01/texas-hell/
“Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn’t been related to Heber C. Kimball I wouldn’t have been a damn thing in this church.”
Diogenes! We found one!
missing from this discussion is the question of what *context* these quotes were given in
were these GC talks? BYU devotionals? Offhand comments to personal friends/family.
Without knowing, I kinda doubt any of these came from more formal venues like a GC talk. I don’t think Golden Kimball was that unique in this regard. I think lots of GA’s have gotten away with salty language and sayings, given certain contexts. Especially back in the pre-internet times.
The Internet and smartphones have made GA’s very paranoid, and I imagine they make extra effort to be very careful about what they say at any public venue, and even in private.
Especially after what happened with Brad Wilcox recently.
To Roger Hansen: The poem by T.S. Eliot is “The Hippopotamus”, not the Hippocampus. The Hippopotamus could be read a referring to the Mormon church although it is directed to the True Church, which in Eliot’s mind was either the Church of England or the Catholic church.