(The below was not written by Bishop Bill, but I liked it so much I reached out to the author who allowed me to post it here. It was written by #JosephHumbertHumbert and was originally posted at Reddit/r/xmormon.  )
After banning the word “Mormon”, cutting church to 2 hours, modernizing the missionary dress code, and cozying up to other religions, church leaders look forward to taking TSCC even more mainstream in 2021 . . . only to turn on the news six days into the new year and see Captain Moroni waving the Title of Liberty at an illegal attempt to overturn a democratic election and overthrow the U.S. government. Although the Book of Mormon Captain Moroni was very much in favor of democratic elections and defending the sitting government against a group who wanted to overthrow it, Pres. Newsroom explained that today’s Captain Moroni — like the church itself — had regrettably grown much more hardline conservative and quite a bit kookier in his old age.
Originally enthralled with the idea of God choosing a doctor to lead them during a pandemic, TBMs quickly turn on Dr. Prophet Nelson after he releases a photo of himself receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. TBMs attack Nelson’s photo op in online forums, accusing him of falling for the lies of the deep state, and worrying that Bill Gates could now follow Nelson through a secret microchip. However, independent observers rated this last fear as “Highly Unlikely” after Bill Gates himself said he’d rather use Windows ME as his operating system for life rather than follow the prophet in any sense of the word.
Despite claiming for years that it supported the civil rights (OTHER than marriage, of course) of LGBT individuals, TSCC nevertheless issues a formal statement opposing the Equality Act after it passes the U.S. House of Representatives in February. Although the Act protects LGBT individuals’ rights to housing and employment, which TSCC claims to agree with, Pres. Newsroom stated the church opposed the Act because it did not go far enough to protect religious liberty, such as the freedom to never see, interact with, or be in close proximity to a gay person ever again.
It’s not all bad news for TSCC, though, as a Feb. SEC filing shows TSCC’s hush-hush Ensign Peak fund grew by $6 billion during the pandemic, despite many members taking advantage of the pandemic to take a hiatus from church activity.
One year after BYU’s honor code change fiasco, BYU students organize a solidarity display for the LGBT community, asking students to wear rainbow colors on campus to show their support. Competing flyers immediately pop up around campus, asking students to instead show support for the proclamation on the family by dressing like students from the 1950s and saying “Golly geez, Wally” a lot.
After thoroughly embarrassing itself with its juvenile TITS videos and death threats against exmos, Fairmormon goes TITS up, pulls its videos from Youtube, and even changes its name to distance itself from its embarrassing past.
Church of Christ Mormon LDS Latter-day Saint Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints representative Pres. Newsroom applauded the group’s move, noting that changing one’s name can certainly be an effective method of distancing oneself from an unsavory past.
Despite TSCC’s repeated insistence it is politically neutral and that members in good standing can support candidates from either party, TBMs have a complete meltdown when records are released showing Uchtdorf donated to Joe Biden’s campaign, proving once and for all that TBMs don’t really believe the church’s neutrality statement.
Ever aspiring to be “The Harvard of the West”, BYU announces it will now give preference to hiring seminary and institute teachers as BYU religion professors over professors with actual expertise in relevant subjects such as ancient scripture, history, or languages. Asked to comment on the change, Pres. Newsroom said that when your future depends on selling a false narrative, it’s best to promote those who are least capable of detecting that it’s a false narrative.
Two years after Oaks told members that “research is not the answer” to resolving doubts about the church, Nelson claims the exact opposite in general conference when he belittles exmos as “lazy learners” who should have studied more to resolve their doubts before leaving the church. When asked which of the two statements was true, Pres. Newsroom insisted they are both correct, by the irrefutable doctrine of “both men sign my paycheck.”
Utah Valley University students and faculty protest Wendy Watson Nelson’s selection as graduation commencement speaker, citing her anti-LGBT views which contradict the school’s own statement of inclusion. Alluding to the controversy in her commencement address, Mrs. Nelson defended her selection as speaker, presenting herself as an inspiration for all women who hope to achieve their dream of one day marrying someone famous.
TSCC excommunicates Mormon sex therapist Natasha Helfer for the sin of declaring that masturbation wasn’t a sin.
With the summer wedding season fast approaching, TSCC abruptly discontinues time-only sealings in the temple, because, even though underutilized temples are popping up everywhere like mushrooms, what’s the point of wasting temple time when both members have already pledged to pay tithing for the rest of their lives?
In yet another attempt to encourage vaccination, TSCC releases a church handbook update strongly encouraging members to get vaccinated: “Members of the church are encouraged to safeguard themselves, their children, and their communities through vaccination”, the passage states. With the church’s clear direction now plainly stated in black and white, TBMs finally concede the point and begin to organize vaccination drives in their wards. Ha ha! No. TBMs suddenly become linguistic experts, twisting the word “encouraged” to find alternate meanings that allow them to continue to do whatever the hell they want without regard to the handbook.
In June, a devastating blow is dealt to TSCC celebrity worship when Mormon singer David Archuleta comes out as queer, shocking every single Mormon in your ward and surprising absolutely no one else on the planet.
With the end of the Hill Cumorah pageant, TSCC announces a major restoration project for the Hill Cumorah, including the removal of all pageant buildings and planting thousands of trees in their place to return the hill as close as possible to its condition at the time of Joseph Smith. When asked if replica gold plates would be placed in a replica stone box on the hill, Pres Newsroom said no plates would be buried on the hill, as that would run counter to the stated goal of returning the hill to its condition at the time of Joseph Smith.
The online Mormon universe erupts in a frenzy when The Guardian exposes the real-life identities of several members of the DezNat movement and links them to violent, racist, sexist, and homophobic online statements. Wow, who would have ever thought that hardcore believers in Mormonism would denigrate women, gays, and people with darker skin? There’s so little support for those beliefs in Mormon history, culture, and doctrine . . .
Once desperate to gain press coverage in national media, TSCC lives to regret its wish when the New York Times runs an unflattering article on Mormon temple garments, in particular women’s issues with the garments, such as discomfort and lack of hygiene. Both sides are equally horrified by the article, with Mormons horrified that “the world” is openly discussing their holy Hanes and non-Mormons horrified that any group of men, anywhere, would have collectively decided *that* was what they wanted their wives to wear to bed.
Concerned by the number of r
evenue producing tithe payers cherished brothers and sisters dying from Covid, TSCC issues yet another statement in August strongly urging members to get vaccinated, with Dr. Prophet Nelson even calling the vaccine the miracle he had been praying for last year. TBMs — who love to recount the story of the boy who dumped the girl over wearing two sets of earrings — suddenly turn all Barbossa and decide prophetic counsel is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules.
In a rousing talk at BYU, Holland sets off a firestorm of controversy when he issues a call for more “musket fire” to defend BYU against its enemies, namely the LGBT community.
Three years after excommunicating Sam Young for demanding better protection against sexual abuse within the church, TSCC is forced to pay $250 million to settle sexual abuse claims filed against the Boy Scouts of America by victims abused in the scouting program during the time TSCC was BSA’s leading sponsor. After years of sneering at other organizations (hello Catholic church) for covering up sexual abuse within its ranks, TBMs courageously deal with the issue of sexual abuse within their own church by playing the victim, deflecting blame, minimizing the issue, and hoping it will all just go away.
After changing (but not really changing) the overt LGBT discrimination in its honor code last year to appease the Big 12 conference, BYU announces it has now been accepted into the Big 12. “We are thrilled to join the Big 12,” said Pres. Newsroom, “and delighted that it only cost us our integrity to finally gain a coveted spot in a P-5 conference, because once our integrity was gone we were willing to give up a whole lot more. Like, A LOT more.”
At October general conference, Renlund pleads with members to shut up and get vaccinated already because anti-vaxxers are seriously jeopardizing TSCC’s “crazy church” normalization strategy by driving the church in a whole different direction of crazy.
Speaking of crazy . . . three years after Nelson began his scorched-earth campaign against the word Mormon, Anderson uses his conference address to try to justify the previous “I’m a Mormon” campaigns and the current “We are NOT Mormon” campaigns as both having been inspired by God, who apparently is off his Adderall again.
In November, 70 missionaries are robbed during a zone conference at a church in Torreon, Mexico, with thieves taking the missionaries’ watches, wallets, phones, and tablets and even taunting the missionaries during the robbery. A visibly upset Elder Holland raged at the missionaries’ weak response, accused them of lacking a fighting spirit, and directed the missionary department to immediately begin issuing AR-15s to all new missionaries so they could settle the score.
In a direct response to the embarrassments from earlier this year, TSCC updates the church handbook and condemns online threats and bullying, even when attempting to defend the church or its doctrine. The handbook statement implicates both DezNat and Fairmormon’s past behavior, leaving one to wonder whether any so-called defenders of the church actually understand and follow the teachings of the church they are so desperate to defend?
And finally, exmos get a very Merry Christmas indeed when, five days before Christmas, Jeff Green, a billionaire CEO from Utah, publicly resigns from the church and issues a statement criticizing TSCC for impeding progress on civil rights, women’s rights, and LGBT equality. Green underscores his resignation with a $600,000 donation to Equality Utah, with half the money earmarked to help LGBT students escape BYU to attend another university. Pres. Newsroom said the church was absolutely shocked by the news — not by Green’s resignation, but that someone would donate money to a worthy cause rather than buy a luxury hotel or shopping mall with the money, as Jesus would want.
 the reddit post has been lightly edited to make it shorter. The original was even longer, and can be read here in its original form.