Serena Williams made the news several weeks ago for losing in a grand slam, but also for her confrontation with the judges. Later there was a long conversation about the ruling being sexist, and the judges thinking about going on strike for her matches. I don’t have many comments about the potential sexism of the event or tennis politics, but I did notice a certain style of leadership in the escalating confrontation that reminded me about passive aggressive church leadership.
The first incident started when Serena received a coaching violation. This was a result of her coach making hand gestures. Serena was incredibly upset that she was accused of being a cheater. Her coach admitted afterwards that he was cheating, but there is no indication that Serena saw any of the gestures, and it seems as though this is kind of like speeding and that everybody does it and its no big deal. The attempt to coach was technically wrong but the violation still seemed excessive and annoying. At this point it was a minor foot note in the game. What is more important is that it stoked the feeling of both people. Serena was already feeling attacked (for a legitimate violation or not.)
The next violation came after Serena got angry and smashed her racket. The umpire gave her another violation and she got close to the ref and said, “Every time I play here, I have problems. I did not have coaching, I don’t cheat. You need to make an announcement. I have a daughter and I stand for what’s right. You owe me an apology.” As you can tell, this incident builds upon the previous one because substance of this anger is that she feels unfairly targeted.
The atmosphere became very heated at this point and Serena was charged with “umpire abuse” and docked an entire game. She then became very irate and said, “How dare you question my character. I’ve never cheated in my life. You will never be on a court with me as long as you live. You are the liar. You owe me an apology. Say it. Say you’re sorry.”
Serena lost the match and the news became more about her outburst than the rising new star that beat one of the greatest professional athletes of all time. What really came to my notice is how most of this incident arose from a rather minor penalty about coaching. I’m not an expert on psychology, but it seems as though the umpire judge became the murmur police (to borrow a Mormon phrase.) Serena was naturally upset at what she felt was a bogus call, and probably frustrated at the way the match was going as well, and she received escalating penalties for being upset at the original insult. Instead of reconsidering the questionable call, or letting her vent John McEnroe style, the umpire kept piling up the penalties. She got more angry and frustrated, which in turn produced penalties.
I know this pattern so well because I taught at BYU Idaho. It was one of the worst professional experiences of my life. As general background to the school it started out pretty good, but it turned into an incredibly micromanaging and passive aggressive place to work. I found the people working there had all the faults of people working at other schools, but since it was for the church and the Lord’s school everybody was way more arrogant and passive aggressive about it. Like they want to have an opening prayer before they shank you like a prison b****.
The course rigor was about the same as other schools I’ve taught, but they had way more micro managing (for the Lord!!!), and way more paperwork. I had to do more paperwork and respond to more supervisor messages in one week at BYU-I than I had to do in entire years at other schools. And when I made the mistake of letting them know that I do better with less contact, my supervisor thought it was a good idea (i.e., revelation) that she triple the amount of contact, meetings, and paperwork I had to do in a given week until I finally just walked away.
If somebody is angry, I’d rather they just be a little angry for a short time, and get through it, than drag out a passive aggressive farce while pretending they are really righteous about it. I’ve been to London several times and study military history, and I particularly appreciated how the British military culture allows their soldiers to grouse and complain. I wished I could be in a culture like that because I can be a fiery person with something to say about a stupid order or policy, but I’m a dependable person that always does the right thing anyway…as long as you give me a little bit of time and space to cool down.
Getting back to Serena Williams is the fact that the officials at BYU-I completely gutted, and then re-gutted the class I taught, to the point that I didn’t even know what book we were using. They tripled my work load and stress, but then still made me jump through all of that paperwork. Ironically then, they made me do all this paperwork that was supposed to make me a productive teacher, but it took tons of time away from my teaching. I felt really sorry for the course lead because he had to do tons of extra work for the paltry extra pay they give. We had a group email chain that I rarely participated in, but I saw the worst complaining that I’ve seen in my teaching career, except maybe at what I called the Tower of Babel.
I made the mistake of very slightly complaining to my supervisors. Instead of adopting the British military approach and letting me blow off some steam in the moment as I continue to earn my stellar teaching evaluations, my supervisor attacked my professionalism. So even though I had a legitimate complaint, their own turgid bureaucracy created the conditions about which I complained, and I had seen other people say worse things, they attacked my professionalism. Like a coaching violation, this naturally made me angry, and again, instead of deescalating by just ignoring me (which was my original desire in the first place), they thought it was a brilliant idea to then compare me to Laman and Lemuel. That made me even angrier, and inspired a well-deserved swear word or two, and they accused me of not having “the spirit of Ricks.” It was such an escalating spiral of passive aggressive attacks over natural and justified reactions, and failing to let me have those reactions, that I thought the Spirit of Ricks must translate into being the guy from Animal House and saying “thank you sir may I have another” every time they hit me with a paddle.
To add insult to injury, even though they were being rather annoying and passive aggressive they couched it in scriptures and happy talk so I could never really call them on their bs. They made me so angry and frustrated, but I couldn’t show it because then they would question my righteousness. That would just make me even more frustrated and angry, because I felt like I was working for Dolores Umbridge at the Ministry of Magic. It’s no surprise for example that working for BYU-I dramatically increased pain I experienced with my TMD/J.
In one of these escalating moments where I could definitely relate to Serena Williams I had a Joe Verses the Volcano moment and rage quite gloriously. My only regret was that I wasn’t on campus at the moment so I couldn’t show them my flair. Comparing this experience to Serena Williams at the US Open I definitely think she had a point. At a number of points the ref could have relaxed the situation by simply letting Serena show the same kind of passion that made her a top athlete. But he chose to escalate the matter over what were, I think, fairly natural reactions to the point that he dramatically affected and overshadowed the match.
What do you think? Have you ever seen or been a part of a situation like this? Those of you that know about human psychology, is there a term for this?
Wheat & Tares 
As a BYU-I student, I’ve had a pretty good experience, but I’ve also heard horror stories like these from several English professors.
Not in church settings, but I have seen it elsewhere.
You know, either party can de-escalate.
Wow. How terrible. I hope you are able to move on and past this.
I’ve heard that there is a passive aggressive support group. Their motto is “It’s okay if you’re late. We’ll all just be here waiting.”
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Seriously though, I’m really sorry about your situation at Rick’s / BYU-I. From the OP, I can’t tell if it was recent or in the past but it isn’t something anyone should have to go through.
The case of Serena Williams was interesting to me. Having seen Andre Agasi and John McEnroe throw so many temper tantrums on the court, it’s a little weird to than see penalties for it now. But I haven’t followed tennis for a long time.
When people get emotionally upset, it is really hard to behave rationally. Im reminded of the video of the nurse who was arrested for not providing a blood sample of an unconscious patient. Just prior to the arrest, the arresting cop could barely speak coherently. I remember people analyzing this video saying that was evidence that his adrenaline it other hormones would have been affecting his judgement. I have to wonder if similar emotions were involved with this tennis match. This can happen to referees, parents, supervisors, etc.
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I will never work for the church in a professional capacity. The closest thing I’ve done was in the mission field. I did hold some leadership positions there. When one of the sisters became romantically involved with a local member, I suggested it may not be a good idea. I’ll just say I don’t know if there is a good way for a 19 year old boy to tell a 22 year old woman that she shouldn’t be dating a certain man, and arbitrary priesthood/leadership positions do not change that. Eventually the mission president found out (not from me) and she was transferred, and she probably hates me to this day, and I don’t blame her a bit.
Thanks for this, very interesting to see how life is managed in a church institution, makes me glad I never worked in this context.
I come from a line of Aggressive-aggressive women, and have called it as I see it. So I’m avoided at church and after having used me up in my early life have been put out to grass as the more Passive -aggressive women are favoured, and actually that’s cool by me.
Sadly, that does mean that most of my socialising happens with non-members, which I think is a shame for my church community, and reflects badly on our mind set. It doesn’t seem to be a problem outside of church, I seem to get on fine.But my style does seem to alienate me from the congregation, sadly. Hey ho.
I have taught at byu-i for a half dozen years or so and I’m pretty sure your time overlapped with mine. At the end of every semester they have asked me what my teaching group leader could do to help me. My response has always been to get rid of the weekly reports. Apparently I (and you) have been heard. This semester so far I haven’t had to fill out a weekly report (but we’re only 2 weeks in.). I hear you and I hope this is a sign that things are getting better. There are several changes to the reporting structure and I’m not sure all what is expected. I heard we don’t have to have have semester goals but I’m unclear what they are replacing it with. I don’t know about you, but coming up with 36 goals has left me scratching my head as to what innovative way I can improve my teaching. I was sick of that and was recycling goals because I couldn’t think of anything new.
Not unlike being fourth Sunday teacher in RS then!
It’s interesting how the comparison to Serena Williams colored my view of the OP’s account. I suspect she assumed it would win sympathy, but the comparison did exactly the opposite for me. Serena Williams was treated the exact same way this umpire treats all players: adhering to the rules. Williams complained that she was treated unfairly in part because she did not have all the information. She didn’t see her coach trying to coach her, but he clearly was and even admitted to it. The after-the-fact analysis has held that the umpire should not enforce the rules, but to do so would be unfair to those who abide by the rules, and although the rules may be subject to criticism, while they are in place it is unfair to apply them unevenly. Williams demanded that the umpire do something patently absurd (apologize for an accurate call) and for some reason thought that the fact that she isn’t a mother was somehow relevant to the situation.
All of which make sure me wonder what the OP missed in her perception of the situation at BYU-I. I’ve never personally had contact with with BYU-I, but I know there is much to criticize. That said, the Serena Williamses of the world are ineffectual agents of change. They make calls for reform look like petty attempts to make the world bend to their will due to a feeling that they are exceptional.
I’m not saying that’s the case here, but it’s a thought I had that almost certainly would t have crossed my mind had the Serena Williams comparison not been made.
*she is a mother. Autocorrect.
John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors, or numerous other men cuss up a storm and don’t get penalized. Serena was persistent but much more composed. Clearly the judge had a double standard for men and women
I think that the Church needs a review of its university programs.
A couple of years ago, I accompanied my son as he dropped my granddaughter off for her freshman year at BYU-I. While there, we attended an orientation session for relatives. The then president gave a lengthy lecture on the aims of education in Ricks. For me, it was depressing. He seemed to feel that university training was simply to prepare students for a job and to indoctrinate them about Mormonism. No mention of broadening horizons, learning critical thinking, etc.
The speech mentioned in a previous OP makes me wonder if the Church leadership understands the aims of education. President Henry J. Eyring encouraged those who doubt, to first repent (hopefully not necessarily of your doubts). He also stated that if something is not 100 percent right you should chuck it. (Even the Church doesn’t pass this test). The whole talk made me wonder if this man should be the president of any educational institution.
Additionally, BYU-I has been in the news way too much lately. Including the exclusion of a student art project because a photo had the exposed shoulders of woman. It seems like Ricks needs a serious overhaul.
As does BYU-P. It took the administration 6 months to “correct” its honor code problems and they still have gotten it right. The university still seems to encourages students to tattle on their neighbors The religion department continues to have problems. There are Mormons with world-class reputations that wouldn’t think of joining the staff. University presidents are chosen for their conservative political and religious views, and not for their academic credentials. The real aims of education appear to be poorly understood.
At Church universities, inoculation seems to be the aim, not critical thinking.
Interesting thought experiment by comparing byu-I with her reaction to the judge. It would have probably been a better case study to write about someone that was factually correct though because her coach did admit to cheating. She was too quick to discount the judges authority and she paid the price for disobedience. I bet she ate humble pie when her coach told her he was cheating.
Mh,
John McEnroe was disqualified from the Australian Open because of his behavior (plus numerous lesser penalties). There’s no double standard.
When we compare the way Williams and McEnroe were/are treated by officials, let’s remember that gender is only half of the equation. She’s being penalized for any resemblance to the “angry black woman” stereotype. For reference, see how much anger the senate judiciary committee let Brett Kavanaugh openly display. No way would that be tolerated from a woman of color.
Coming late to the party…I don’t know anything about how BYU-I is handled, so all I can say is that by your account I would be completely annoyed, it sounds terrible. I hate micromanagement. Having served as an auxiliary president under one Bishop who had to know everything and as a president of a different auxiliary under a Bishop who didn’t, who just gave guidelines and let me spread my wings, it makes a world of difference. But as an avid tennis player and follower of the sport I have to say that it’s tough to compare your experience at BYU-I with what happened at the US Open. I get that you relate to your voice not being heard, that your anger was escalated (rightly so) and that it was mismanaged by those at the university. All points are valid.
However some background you should know: Serena had repeatedly shown this behavior at the Open and had been penalized numerous times for it, perhaps a reason why she couldn’t let it go? As others have pointed out, Serena being allowed to vent is to allow her to do what other players are not allowed to do.
You have to know that kind of behavior on tennis courts is simply not tolerated.
Outbursts by players like McEnroe (over 20+ years ago btw) are exactly why these penalties were put into place. Swearing at the umpire, yelling about calls, it all happens. But at some point the player has to stop or be penalized. Serena knows the rules. She was abusive to the umpire- and had she merely grumbled or yelled a little he might have looked the other way, but she let her anger take over and repeatedly screamed at him, in the heat and pressure of the moment- a title was on the line, not to mention a few million dollars, she was losing, etc- totally understandable, but still not acceptable.
Please don’t think that I’m saying your anger wasn’t acceptable, that’s not my point, my point is that tennis is different and this situation was different.
A lot of things can cause penalties and anger to escalate on the court. Djokovic in the same US Open took too long to serve between points and was penalized (and it actually was questionable.) His response was remarkably different than Serena’s— he purposefully took a penalty on next point (by running out the serve clock), lost the next game noticeably because of anger, then got himself together and his anger under control and won the match.
College players are penalized severely for swearing and throwing racquets on the court, and pros at the club where I play are trying to beat into the heads of young players very early on that they can’t act this way on the court for this very reason.
Do umpires handle penalties differently? Yes and it needs to change. Are most players getting coached? No question, and often get away with it particularly in other languages. Are there inequalities between men and women in the sport? Undoubtedly.
Martina Navratilova, one of the best tennis players of all time, (and one who understands prejudice, as a lesbian tennis player in an era when that was not talked about), wrote an OP ed in The NY Times right after the Open and hit the nail on the head. She acknowledged the inequalities in tennis but remarked that even if others can get away with it it doesn’t mean that we should assume we can, too. We should hold ourselves to a higher standard. She said many times she felt like smashing her racquet but didn’t because she knew kids were watching her and she knew she should be an example to them (in her day you wouldn’t be penalized for an outburst.)
Again, I am not saying any of this to make a statement about your experience at BYU-I, just that Serena has become a beacon to some people of inequality and injustice and there have to be better examples to choose from, and to hold up as standard bearers of change. (And I like Serena btw so if you are a tennis fan and say this is why I’m saying this you’re wrong.)
Thank you for your insight into an institution I know little about. I am sorry you were ignored and meant to feel less than you are. Those who feel threatened often try to be more threatening back, their ego and self-esteem often get in the way—and they end up being less than effective leaders.
And by leaders I meant those above you at BYU-I