Comfortless upon my couch,
I felt my bosom moved;
Smartphone vibrations shook me,
and so their value proved.

Within the glow, an icon pulsed:
glad tidings from Gmail!
My lonely spirit felt desired,
my life no longer stale.

But not from humans, kith nor kin,
had come this message new,
Pandora sent a shameless plug
and begged me, Come renew!

Renew your online radio fav!
Tune to LDS Hits!

No thanks, I thought. My mood has changed.
Trash your marketing bits!

Soon I fell into a slumber,
sound with pleasant dreams.
BUZZ! My smart phone heralded.
Time to read some memes.

No memes had come, nor notes from Mom,
Pandora had reappeared.
Your hump day slump is at an end!
To LDS Hits, it steered—

to hymns arranged for new age synth,
to the best of EFY,
Plus righteous rap to bless my day…?
O, I think I’m gonna die.

Some morrows passed. I stayed away.
But then on one hideous sunup,
Pandora sent another plea:
Remember your LDS Thumbs Ups?

How could I forget, I asked Siri.
She sang back with cloven tongue:
Brightly streams your ad-free music…
So I muted what she had brung.

I said, No to the ones who’ve been on The Voice.
and no to each BYU crooner.
And why have I heard not one carol McLean?
And only one song by Bro. Bestor?

Exhausted I stumbled out onto my porch
to head to my daily labors.
I tripped and fell flat on my sleep-deprived face,
out of sight of my dear worldly neighbors.

The Earth beneath my bosom groaned;
it gave a familiar tremor,
The epicenter was my pocket.
My khakis gave off a glimmer.

No surprise, Pandora had emailed
Hey, need some Monday motivation?
Yes, I thought. How ‘bout Imagine Dra—
Return to your favorite station!

Like a dog jonesing vomit, I logged back in
to hear artists sing up-voted tracks.
To my bright recollection, again and again,
I heard no songs my finite taste lacks.

Poet’s Note:

This post is based on a Pandora station called LDS Hits Radio. Heads up: This channel is only available to Pandora members. Otherwise, you will land on the log-in/sign-up page. In fact, the station offers a good deal of wonderful music… if you’re in the mood.

Photo by Ju00c9SHOOTS on