Guest post by Damascene.
I left the church just over a year ago.
That simple sentence holds so much pain, sorrow, thought, and prayer in it. It was not a decision that was made lightly or easily. It is still a sentence that I have to look at a couple times to process in an attempt to internalize my new reality.
Part of the fallout of that decision has been the need to find a new social group. Friends 
from work are heavy drinkers, and I wasn’t ready to hang out with them socially. My friends from the ward disappeared when I quit attending. Why? That will have to wait for a different essay. The site Mormon Spectrum had popped up on a FB feed a month earlier, so I decided to check that. That site led me to a group in my area that was having a Sunday afternoon Cinnamon Roll party in just a few days. I left my devout husband and daughter home, and I went.
The thought of an ex-Mormon group sounded so ominous. Taking my last child still home into such an unknown environment was not an option. My husband is kind and very devout, I didn’t expect him to be a good fit. I went alone.
Arriving, I was floored at the sheer number of toddler push toys in front of this host’s suburban home. They were legion. The sign on the door told me to walk in. The toddlers seemed to outnumber the adults by a 6:1 factor, and I realized that I was old enough to look like grandma to this entire group. It looked like such a typical group of young LDS families, I was having a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that they had all left the church. Just like me. They were kind. They were welcoming.
A month later, we went on a 2-day camping trip with this group. 18 families camping in a local state park. My husband and daughter came with me. It was an amazing weekend. There were no planned events, just a quiet weekend to hang out and get to know one another. Watching the kids go through our camp site, I gained a new appreciation of the term, Thundering Herd. My teen had a 3-year-old plastered to her back, and every child was part of that crew.
Talking to the other members of this ex-LDS group, I found a pattern. It wasn’t the 
pattern that I had expected to find. One couple had fertility issues and both partners had significant health conditions. They had adopted multiple children with neurological and mental health histories. They are amazing people doing work few people would sign up for. Another couple talked of their children who both have terminal diagnoses. Their children look healthy now, but there is a genetic cliff ahead.
These parents know that they will outlive their children. There will be no grandchildren. A third couple talked about dealing with one partner’s cancer and a child’s significant long term health issues. A fourth family dealt with autism and Tourette’s. Another family had many of their children die. As we made the rounds, we started to realize that every single family had something huge that they had dealt with and were still dealing with on a daily basis.
As we drove home, my devout husband and I discussed the weekend and the group. We both came to same conclusion. These families had each suffered in serious ways. Each family was still dealing with real issues that were outside of the norm for a young family. Each family was dealing with inordinate challenges.
Two weeks ago, I attended sacrament meeting with my husband. A young missionary 
gave a talk. She talked about God being a Gum Ball Machine. She promised that if we worked hard and lived the gospel and did everything the church asked us to do, it was like filling up a Gum Ball Machine, and blessings would come pouring out into our hands. She bluntly stated that works and obedience to the gospel, according to the LDS church, are the currency with which God works.
Since that sacrament meeting, I keep thinking about that very young missionary without much life experience. I contrast her with those families. Some of those wives are not much older. That lesson of works and obedience leading to guaranteed blessings would have been hard for those families to hear.
Last night, I went to another ex-Mormon social event. There was a new couple there. I asked about their children. They glowingly talked about having three. As the conversation progressed, they tentatively mentioned that one child has Down’s Syndrome. The conversation became more focused and real. She mentioned that an older child has an autism diagnosis. The woman on their other side leaned in. I knew that they had found the right ward. This was a place where they would fit right in.
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Damascene is a sometimes lost, sometimes found professional woman who was LDS all of her life. She is still trying to learn and understand.
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Questions for our readers:
- What kinds of social organizations do you want/attend to compensate for the loss of the LDS support system? What could the LDS Church do to better support those who feel excluded?
- If you or your spouse has transitioned from Mormonism, what advice do you have to keep faithful/doubtful spouses together and to avoid having one or the other feel beat up or judged by the other’s positions or friends?
- What do you think the average member of the church’s perception is of those who leave and what is the reality of those you know?
- Do you have other thoughts or input from reading this essay?
I ache for people like Damascene, and I have friends like her. One in particular of whom I think often, and to whom I speak often, left the Church for a variety of reasons including a difficult upbringing and family, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was being raped by an investigator in her ward, and being completely shut out about it by everyone including the sister missionaries when trying to warn people that they were dealing with a sexual predator.
I’ve also known families who have left wards because of the way their autistic or challenged/challenging children were treated. Some of them have found refuge in our ward, where we seem to have a knack for helping, but I recognize that we are a rare and fortunate bunch (and also a long way from Utah, thank God). Our stake even worked out an inter-stake transfer for one family whose adult daughter, who will never be independent, simply couldn’t cope with things in their ward of residence, so they worship with us.
That’s not to brag us up – only to say that the will, and the ability, and the resources, exist to work with people and help them, not toss them aside (as in the cartoon) when they don’t fit the brograms. (I’m leaving that typo there – it seems appropriate!) So often we lose the sense of the parable of the lost sheep (here from Luke):
The next verse in Luke goes on to speak of the joy over “the sinner that repenteth,” but Matthew only speaks of the importance of “the little ones [that] perish.” I think that this is a crucial distinction: too close a reading of Luke allows us to discount the poor, discount the handicapped, discount the questioners, discount the oppressed, and focus only on the sinners (although, of course, we discount them as well). All of those are the One. The ninety-and-nine will get by if they have a class disrupted by a child making noise, a wheelchair in the aisle, or a teacher struggling to answer a question not covered in the manual. (Are they ever covered in the manual?) The One need us to step up.
Damascene – I am glad you have possibly found a place where you feel comfortable. I hope this works well for you and your family. I do see the community aspect of the church as something that it often does very well and (most) people really need a community. When you don’t follow the plan, that culture does push people away and that loss of community is hard to deal with.
New Iconoclast, I appreciate your comment. Too often, when people discuss those who have left there is a narrow list of reasons that are brought up..The list is insulting.
An interesting tidbit I am seeing in the ex-mo community: an inordinate number of the women served missions, the level of education is very high, and the professional attainment significant. I do not rule out the probability that the group self-selects in some ways, as not everyone looks for an ex-mo social group when they leave.
Can anyone say stumbling block?
I have been feeling for a long time now that if the LDS church would start working on “tools” for their congregations and not just “milk”, we would make much progress in our striving to be inclusive and helpful. Until this happens, people will go elsewhere! tools are not found in the manuals! They are found…. in the best books–sound familiar???
Damascene, isn’t there plenty of room for insulting behavior on both sides of this aisle? For example, your offhand remark that your friends from your ward disappeared would probably be very insulting to those friends because they are still exactly where the majority of your interactions with them probably occurred, at sacrament meeting, at YW/YM, at cub scouts, at Relief Society, serving and worshiping together as ward friends do. They didn’t disappear from those places and situations, you did.
KLC, there are differences between friends and church acquaintances, and you don’t have enough information to assume why she would consider someone in one category or the other.
KLC wrote: “Damascene, isn’t there plenty of room for insulting behavior on both sides of this aisle? For example, your offhand remark that your friends from your ward disappeared would probably be very insulting to those friends because they are still exactly where the majority of your interactions with them probably occurred, at sacrament meeting, at YW/YM, at cub scouts, at Relief Society, serving and worshiping together as ward friends do. They didn’t disappear from those places and situations, you did.”
KLC, as I had stated that is a topic for another essay.
Is my goal in life to be a backdrop prop on the left third pew for someone else’s church experience? Is my goal to interact with people in a meaningful way?
Funny thing. I had someone on FB send me a note that she missed “seeing me at church.” That person had talked to me once about 3 years ago for all of 30 seconds. Yes, she missed seeing me. She didn’t miss interacting with me. There is a difference.
The bigger question: Is the meeting more important than the attendants?
“KLC, there are differences between friends and church acquaintances, and you don’t have enough information to assume why she would consider someone in one category or the other.”
Mary Ann. good point about friends and acquaintances, could I point out to you that you also don’t have enough information to assume what she meant? But you do have enough information to not assume what I meant and my comment said nothing at all about what category she places those people in. I was referring to what people from church who know her might feel when they find out she thinks they deserted her. The might feel insulted by what she said, just like Damascene feels insulted by some of the things said to her. Exit narratives like Damascene’s often subtly paint other members as insensitive, misguided, and cold while being oblivious to the same qualities in their own behavior. As I said, there is plenty of room for insult on both sides of the aisle, if we all can recognize that maybe we all can learn to be kinder to each other.
An interesting essay that overlaps this is:
http://www.zionsbest.com/people.html
“Exit narratives like Damascene’s often subtly paint other members as insensitive, misguided, and cold while being oblivious to the same qualities in their own behavior”
I’ve seen that too. Interestingly, it’s seemed to me that both those who were leaving and those who were staying, with a few exceptions, seemed to mean well and wish each other the best, even when they essentially passed judgment on each other and let each other go. That’s been me, too, quite honestly.
It sounds like this group she has found longs for the community of the church which they couldn’t seem to find within the church, and perhaps their shared experience and disillusionment is enough of a commonality to keep them together. Personally, I appreciate the community of the church too, and I would miss it if I lost my faith and left, but I would miss my faith far more. But maybe, if I’d lost my faith, I would long even more for the sense of community which I currently view as mostly a side benefit.
“What could the LDS Church do to better support those who feel excluded?” This is where the local ward either succeeds or fails. If it’s an elitist club where fealty and outward shows of being an insider rule the day, it’s never going to be a great place for everyone.
“What do you think the average member of the church’s perception is of those who leave and what is the reality of those you know?” This is tough. It varies so much from person to person. I am always VERY disappointed when I hear someone bashing people who leave. I love people who have left. In most cases, they have valid issues or experiences that they were dealing with, either locally or in their families, or personally, or in general with church policies that likewise don’t make sense to me. Maybe that’s their path. There is a tendency in my new ward to bash those who leave as if they are all “haters” or terrible people, and they defend doing this because they say people said bad things about them for being in the church, but that’s not exactly taking a high road. It just seems childish and insecure. It’s also childish and insecure to leave and criticize those who stay as a broad group. Individuals will do what they will do. We shouldn’t be painting with a broad brush. That’s what makes people feel unwelcome.
“Do you have other thoughts or input from reading this essay?” I’ve been in groups where people have mostly left the church, and there is a tendency there (that is just like in the church) of sharing what I would call their “deconversion story” or their “untestimony.” I don’t like it inside the church or outside of the church really. I find it group-thinky and off-putting.
Damascene that group sounds lovely.
I think some of the talking past each other is the second edge of the “geographic boundaries” sword. At least in places along the Mormon corridor, geographical self- selection precludes some of the diversity of experience that enriches congregations. I once lived in a neighborhood where most families were a blend of the husband’s teen children and the new wife’s toddlers. The ward worked really hard to help those families blend more successfully and strategized a lot of things around this demographic. The unfortunate side effect was that single adults were actively excluded from many aspects of ward life that were designated “specifically for couples.” I think it was a genuine effort to minister to the ward’s majority demographic, but it didn’t exist in a vacuum.
Elizabeth wrote ” Damascene that group sounds lovely.”
It really has been a wonderfully supportive group. We all come from the same LDS cultural background and we have all had some horrible life experiences with sickness, disease, or syndromes that separated us from our natural peers. Sometimes, life slows you down on a path. Friends say that they will wait for you and help you along the way, but sooner or later, they grow impatient to join back up with the larger social group. They don’t mean to leave people behind, they would be happy if we could catch up, but due to life circumstances, my pace is slower on the path. They tell me that they will be happy to see me when I can catch up, but they need to move on. There is no malice .. it is just a social norm.
It has been healing to meet others who share my cultural and religious background, but who also share some of the things that have made my pace slower. Their pace through life seems to match mine well.
Community is a major reason why I stay in the Church. Coincidentally it’s also a reason why none of my children are currently active. They never felt community. They were always outsiders as our family didn’t fit the ideal/perfect picture.
It’s interesting how many families with special challenges are in your current group. My experience has been that many Church members have a hard time assimilating those who don’t easily fit into that ideal family picture. I suspect a subconscious “who hath sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
Thanks for sharing, that’s a nice story. I’m 40 now, but when I was a kid it seemed like there were a lot of conference talks about disabilities, and raising kids with disabilities. Those talks seem more rare now. At the Methodist church where I often go, we had a Sunday devoted to disabilities.
As I read this excellent post, I kept thinking how destructive the prosperity doctrine has been to us. I have a family member who became inactive dealing with a chronic illness. The ward initially came out en force, but when their cheesecake, casseroles and 1x fast didn’t cure him, they dropped him like a hot potato. Many even accused him of not having faith to be healed- after all they had checked everything off their to-do list. He was no longer faith affirming, but a troubling and nagging reminder that God was my a vending machine.
The saints have no “pressure valve” for the problems in a ward. Each ward can only feel with just so many special needs members before the rest burn out. Can you imagine the medical and support bills for the inactive /ex-mo support group???? Whether subconsciously or intentionally, the flock culls out weak links In a survivalist reflex.
I’ve noticed this mechanism Mort, I see it as evidence of the ‘natural man’ that needs to be overcome. By the same token, I can see the functionality of leaving such as my family behind so we don’t contaminate the narrative. But this has happened before and it will happen again, I guess until the perfect day.
I visit teach a woman who was in the Nazi Youth as a child, but met and married a British man after the war. She tells me she has spent a lifetime without anyone asking her about her past. So difficult to get it all right for everyone, isn’t it?
I don’t know if I entirely agree with the last couple of comments. It probably depends on where you live (based on affluence maybe?). Our ward is very much focused on taking care of elderly members, sick members, welfare moms, etc. In our area it’s part of the culture of our ward, but it kind of has to be as we have such a large group of people outside the Mormon ‘norm.’ I wouldn’t say we do nearly as well with those that struggle doctrinally, but I’m not sure I’d actually know as those kinds of struggles are hushed up more.
KLC, “could I point out to you that you also don’t have enough information to assume what she meant?” Absolutely you can point that out. I guess I was basing it on my own experience moving from ward to ward. The vast majority of people I interact with in my wards I never talk to again after I move (or after they move). It might be fun to run into them every now and again (or see what’s up on Facebook), but I don’t have much expectations for interaction. I would consider those people acquaintances (often close acquaintances), but the dissolution of those relationships isn’t all that painful. Friendships are usually much fewer, transcend boundaries, and the dissolutions of those relationships would hurt more.
Nicely said MaryAnn.
Damascene – I’m glad you had such a good experience. Thanks for the post and the Tennessee Williams quote.
Only if you’re willing to say, I’m interested to know your general location. I’m wondering where such large alternative groups are to be had.
Ruth, I would rather not say where I am located as I do not want members of my ex-mo group to see themselves in my posting.
I am in a large metropolitan area far from Utah. It is not in the western US.