I dare you to watch the above video. If you can get through the 1:43 without at least smiling, I’ll send you a jar of Vegemite.
There is something so pure about the emotions of children. Their emotional honesty, which is innate, is so refreshing, so real. Such behaviour allows for parent/child bonding to occur freely. Think of the first time your child smiled at you, or the first time it cried – what emotions are you feeling as you think of those times…strong, aren’t they? [1]
I had a very interesting experience on Sunday. We are a day ahead of our USA friends and so I had a little less time to adjust to the news before going to church. I was pulled aside about half way through Gospel Doctrine by the Primary President. They had no one to play the piano and so after probably asking 16 other people that can play better than me, I was the only one left. I accepted the invitation, however much I wanted to see if the issue of the Handbook change was going to be discussed in HP (which it wasn’t).
Upon going to the Primary room I was greeted by a myriad of kids, all with about 10 times as much energy as I had. They were beautiful. Having older kids now, you forget how innocent and beautiful primary kids are. Their faces gleamed, smiles everywhere. This, it would seem, was what I needed after such horrendous news.
We were practicing “As I have loved you”. It is a favourite of mine. Simple and pure. The words are pure doctrine.
As I have loved you,
Love one another.
This new commandment:
Love one another.
By this shall men know
Ye are my disciples,
If ye have love
One to another.
I was asked to play this about ten times and the words sunk into my heart. I felt the spirit of this beautiful song and pictured Christ uttering those words.
At the end of the songs and activities it was announced that one of the kids was going to be Baptised. A few of the kids leapt up in absolute joy. One of the kids jumped up on her seat and shouted for about 30 seconds. Many joined her in screaming. What a beautiful sight it was. My heart melted and I felt very similar feelings as I did as a young parent seeing such joy in the eyes of my own children.
And then my heart sunk. What about any kids of gay parents? How would they feel when all of their peers are jumping up on their seats? How is that protecting them? How is that in their best interest?
The addition of a couple of words in the Church Handbook is related to me riding a roller coaster of feelings. Sadness, shock and disbelief on one hand and love, charity and spirit on the other.
Question:
What feelings have you felt as these changes have had time to settle in??
[1] Not all parents feel strong emotions towards their children. Post-Partum depression can often result in challenges to the bonding relationship. This post is not about the spectrum of parent/child bonding. It is about the display of emotion by children.
Wheat & Tares 
Thank you for your willingness to share your musical talents and the delightful video.
I don’t view this as a zero-sum game. Because we are rejoicing over one person, it doesn’t mean that we are putting down anyone else. Just like if we preach temple marriage as an ideal, we can still love and accept others who happen to not be married in the temple.
Also, I am curious wny you choose to consider ONLY the feelings of the children of gay members, and not the many, many other kids who cannot be baptized for a variety of reasons? Did you ask your Primary president if there were any of those? Because every ward I have been in has had some. And sometimes they are in the strongest families in the ward (I served in a RS presidency with a woman whose children could not be baptized).
And I am not saying that it is no problem for those kids who cannot be baptized at 8. It can be. But I think they are ALL just as worthy of our compassion and support as the children of gay parents. And in a lot of wards, they will not be alone.
I also think that as adult leaders and members of the ward, we can make a difference in our attitude of never judging but accepting that we each have a different spiritual path. In keeping track of them even when their names are not officially on the rolls.
As a practical matter, I think that the status of a lot of kids of gay parents will not be widely known in a ward, particularly if there is a divorce and moving. Because as rude and inquisitorial as Mormons can be about other people’s business, IME it is not common to ask why there was a divorce. And some younger kids of gay parents may not even know the details until they are a few years older than eight.
There are a number of children where I have no idea of the baptismal status. As the primary pianist I wouldn’t be in a position to know. But the kids do celebrate with eachother when one is about to turn 8 and getting really excited about their baptism. Even when they turn 7, and it’s only a year to wait now. But not all kids get excited, some are naturally more wary. My own daughter was very wary and we had to sit her down and let her know it was her choice, and talk through things with her. I think the feelings accompanying and following the baptism itself are all the important to her now, because she was so wary. Anyway, my point is it would be a mistake to think all children are excited about it and look forwards to it beforehand. But that’s really a tangent.
I wasn’t aware of anything mentioned in our meetings, but our sacrament meeting concentrated on it being Remembrance Sunday here in Britain, with 2 minutes silence, appropriate hymns and talks. and then I was in primary for the rest.
As for my own feelings. Mostly I feel weary. My parents and siblings are much more orthodox I think, though my brother serving as Bishop does acknowledge that people are hurting. Online discussion between us tends to be cerebral though, and I’m probably coming over as too emotional for them. But there are people out there who don’t have the luxury of the distance to be cerebral, and I have been annoyed by that lack of empathy from some family members.
What feelings have you felt as these changes have had time to settle in?
I come from a long line of pioneer stock Utah Mormons. As such, I have so many cousins that I literally can’t name them all and I am unsure of exactly how many I have (it’s well over 50.) Most of those cousins are on my mother’s side and they are super orthodox. My family, although we were active, were always seen as the apostate family because we weren’t so orthodox. I was perfectly happy to be the apostate family, it fit my personality better, but I did see many of those cousins as reaching a level of righteousness that I could just not pull off. Before I left on my mission, in a short period of time, three of my female cousins got divorced. One because her husband was cheating on her, one because her husband was bipolar and she couldn’t handle it anymore, and one because her husband came out as gay. My grandmother (who lived 2 houses from me and I was very close to) told me to beware, that there were hoards of wicked, wicked men out there who had destroyed her granddaughters (this is the same grandmother who told my oldest sister that she needed to be nicer to her husband or he would “go gay.”) I brushed off her doomsday attitude as a product of her generation (she got married and started her family during the great depression). I loved my grandmother and although I didn’t know them well, I loved and respected my cousins who had been divorced.
One day on my mission, I went to check my email on P-day and had an email from my grandmother. It was forwarded from my cousin whose husband had come out as gay and they had been divorced. The email explained that her ex husband was about to undergo a disciplinary council for his homosexuality (as far as I was aware he hadn’t entered a committed relationship, but I do not know the details of his sexual history). The email then requested that the entire family hold a special fast to influence the outcome of the council. She wanted her “abomination of an ex-husband” excommunicated so that she and her innocent children wouldn’t be sealed to him anymore.
I stared at the email in disbelief. I couldn’t believe that my righteous cousin and my saintly grandmother were really asking me to fast for someone to get excommunicated. The hate in the email was apparent and my heart was broken.
It’s been nearly 10 years since that happened and although my heart is no longer broken, I am still appalled at the request. I have never been able to interact with that cousin the same way. My relationship with my grandmother suffered – I was no longer able to see her as the woman who was going to be translated any day due to her righteousness. I still loved her, but never saw her the same way after that.
The feelings I have over this policy feel very similar to how I felt that day, reading that email. I am appalled and my heart is broken. I’m not sure that my relationship with the Church will ever be the same.
Anger and disappointment are what I am feeling.
IMO, the only logical/true motivation for this policy–and you can easily eliminate the laughable “to protect the children;” “nothing is lost to them, in the end; and, “to match up with the polygamy/children policy” rhetoric–is an age/anachronistic culture-based desire to protect/slow down the ongoing growth of the attitude of acceptance of gays and same-sex marriage among members.
This policy is meant to further stigmatize gays and same-sex marriage. Further, this will result in fewer children of the offending parents attending church and influencing their peers. Even at their advanced ages (and long absence from the “front lines” of Ward activity), the GAs must recognize that our TBM “culture” will react to this policy in many ways that are negative toward both those that are and those that accept gays. It will give license to the bigots to speak up, even more.