It’s no secret that church leaders are concerned about those who leave, particularly those of the rising generation.  What is less well known is the strategy to help them stay active in the church and into their adult lives.

Less well known until now that is.  The following list was found in a secret trash basket [1] outside the top secret conference room where the quorum of the twelve apostles meet.  This list of discarded ideas will give you some idea of the lengths the church has considered going to in order to keep kids active in the church.

Drumroll please.

  1. Add more sessions to General Conference.
  2. Free gummi bears! Limit one per youth.
  3. Lower mission age to 12.  Then lower to 8 for boys.
  4. Free Costco membership with every temple recommend. [2]
  5. “Replenish the earth” cash rewards for each child born in the covenant.  Expires when parents turn 25.
  6. Free BCP-free refillable water bottle with matching bicycle clip for accepting church callings.
  7. Change mission call procedure through use of the Sorting Hat. [3] Except for visitor centers which will still be selected based on hotness.
  8. Give all women the priesthood.  But simultaneously upgrade the men to Platinum level priesthood.
  9. Relax music regulation in sacrament meetings to allow guitar, but reserve the right to pull the plug if that gets out of hand.
  10. Brown bag town hall lunches with Jesus, provided Jesus meets dress and grooming standards.

Since these are the “discarded” ideas, thank goodness the chosen ideas are generally better.  What ideas would you have expected to see on this list?


[1] or was it sacred?

[2] It’s practically the same thing anyway.

[3] Since you asked, Gryffindor (dangerous locations with local mafia or cartels, parasites and/or weird bathrooms), Huffelpuff (stateside), Ravenclaw (internet and office assignments), and Slytherin (beaches & islands).