To be sung to the tune of the Primary song Follow the Prophet. For the lyrics below, verses are in regular font and the chorus is in italics.
1.
Once we only had blogs—
words upon a page.
Joggers had to stop and
read to learn what’s sage.
Then some Mormons mic’d up,
gave their site a voice,
Bloggernacle streaming
offered a new choice!
Follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
follow the podcast;
don’t go astray.
Follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
follow the podcast;
heed what they say!
2.
Once we had John Larsen,
now we have Bill Reel.
Radio Free Mormon
also holds appeal.
Watch out you old Brethren!
They will scan your lives.
Lindsay’s done more podcasts
than Brigham had wives.
Follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
follow the podcast;
come join a tribe.
Follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
follow the podcast.
Like. And subscribe!
3.
Mormon Land’s a podcast,
put out by the Trib;
some say it’s just drivel
made to please a lib.
Truth is, you can listen
and stay in the boat.
Now us bloggers vie to
be their weekly quote.
Follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
follow the podcast;
don’t go astray.
Follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
follow the podcast,
and could you pay?
4.
I loved John Dehlin back
when my shelf first broke.
Mormon Stories soothed and
helped to clear the smoke.
Time has passed; I’ve reached a
better stage today.
Now I think he’s wacko;
John should go away!
Unfollow podcasts.
Boycott some podcasts.
Cancel bad podcasts.
Join the new fray!
Follow good podcasts.
Retweet pure podcasts.
Praise to the podcasts,
and please, please pay!
5.
Says a lot about you—
who you claim spouts lies,
who you think is holy
and whom you despise.
Fact is, most are decent
if they’re what you need.
Just don’t get too wound up;
think before you heed.
Do follow podcasts,
don’t follow podcasts,
breathe if you podcast;
don’t go cray cray.
Consider podcasts,
enjoy some podcasts,
review those podcasts
in latter days!
Poet’s Notes:
Reactions are welcome in the comments section below. For another Mormon song parody, try Bloggernacle: The Hymn. This post’s featured image is from Pixabay. Thank you for reading!
Wheat & Tares 
I sang along to the verse but had to stop singing when I couldn’t stop laughing each time I got to the end of the line “Follow the podcast”
Nice work!
This is hilariously wonderful! Thanks for writing and sharing it!
Very clever song.
Howece,, I do disagree with the line of John Dehlin. He is still doing a great work and service. He is not a wacko, you just graduated past him He is there for those just entering their 2nd phase of life tranition.
Anybody listen to Backyard Professor’s stuff? (He’s linked up with Bill Reel & RFM at YouTube via Mormon Discussions). Backyard Professor’s Book of Abraham series will keep FAIR busy for the next decade. Dehlin’s interview with Patrick Mason was a surprisingly healing exchange, worth the marathon time investment. Bill Reel’s YouTube sideshow “Almost Awakened” is a thoughtful, empathic search for meaning for post-LDS flight. RFM is brilliant, his Shakespeare mic-drops are classic. Backyard Professor is my favorite, though.
I wish there were comparable LDS podcasts—in the sense that deeper discussions might be had. It seems most of the LDS podcasts are more about entrenching fundamentalism, speculating about Apocalypse, or hosting Come Follow Me themes. A perspective LDS podcast that goes deep, goes transparent, and is dedicated to academic integrity should do well—but who will do it?
Dan will make you think in later-daaa-ay faith (LDF)
He’s a brainiac who makes a cheerful case,
When you look for linings of a silver kind,
Witherspoon has theories to-ooo calm your mind.
(Chorus)
Cynthia and Susan are keeping it real,
Speaking truth to women, Helping them to heal;
If you want to sit with gals who all things admit:
Come and give an ear to “At last she said it”
(Chorus)
Stayin’ in touch with the-e Mormon news
With a couple chipper, happy dudes
Grab a seat at the back of “The Cultural Hall”
Faithful jokes are shared with one and all.
(Chorus)
Kiwi time, all the time in “A Thoughtful Faith”
Gina makes a so-cio-logical- case
If you haven’t heard her struggle to break free,
From the pa-tri-archy, come listen with me.
(Chorus)
“Gospel Tangents” guys will wrestle mightily ,
With all the points of Mormon his-to-ry.
If you are still wan-dring in Fowler’s fourth stage of faith;
Gospel tangents guys will make quite a case.
(Chorus)
Apart from the chance to parody the song Follow the Prophet, with this post I wanted to dramatize my experience with Mormon podcasts in general. I think a person can get a reasonably accurate sense of where they are at in Mormonism by sampling a few different podcasts. Which ones please you? Which ones piss you off? I think our visceral reactions to the podcasts say as much or more about us as they do about the quality and merit of the podcast.
In particular, with the Mormon Stories stanza above, I’m melodramatizing my experience. The butt of the joke in Verse 4 isn’t John; it’s overzealous me (and many other listeners turned feverish critics who get carried away).
In real life, for a time I found Mormon Stories incredibly nourishing. It helped me fill in some gaps of understanding with my own faith crisis, which I had mostly experienced alone in the years before the Bloggernacle and podcasting took off. But over time, I found myself enjoying Mormon Stories episodes less, even finding them annoying. Was the podcast dropping in quality? Becoming corrupted? Or were my interests and needs simply shifting? I think the latter. In fact, recently a fellow blogger recommended a two-parter John Dehlin did with the grandson of the late apostle Joseph B. Wirthlin. I loved it. Depending on the subject, I can enjoy any given episode, but any podcast focused on faith deconstruction and exit stories is not currently the best use of my time. So, in a nutshell, I’m saying I basically agree with Faith’s comment above. But the song is a parody, not a literal blanket condemnation of any podcaster.
Thanks to everyone who has commented. Great to see some plugs for other podcasts and also some additional verses for fun. Enjoy the podcasting!
Jake C.,
No, it is t you that changed, it was John. After his painful excommunication, Mormon Stories become increasingly more bitter, much less objective and frankly- vindictive. I don’t enjoy listening to the anti-LDS humor week after week or negative “gotcha” testimonies. His former co-blogger Dan Witherspoon split with him on philosophical differences at that time, and some faithful guests rescinded their financial support and collaboration.
I had been a listener, but stopped after what I felt was the unethical manipulation of a guest- one of Elder Ballard’s granddaughters. She had a history of serous mental health problems, and I questioned her ability to consent to the open-mic “therapy” he roped her into in order to get the inside dish on her grandfather. Several questions were lobbed to expose salacious, dirty scoops, which fell flat, but not after John’s marathon-long interview. (It turns out Elder Ballard is genuinely a nice old guy who is pretty much what you see is what you get.) But using a disabled family member in this public way really showed John’s character. (He flaunts his newly earned PhD in counseling, but no academic would have allowed that guest to participate, with that level of “consent” in any academic study, especially without peer review. ) When I raised the concern on the comments for the episode, he quickly deleted my comment. He carefully censors the conversations on his platforms and keeps his comment threads aligned with positivity towards his opinions. Evidently, he can dish it, but not take it.
Apart from being funny, this was also a good reminder that many of us deconstructing Mormonism fall into the trap of looking for a new leader. The first presidency of John, Bill, and RFM … when really we just need to learn to stand on our own two feet. (Not saying those podcasts aren’t valuable, just that the tendency to turn the podcasters into new prophets is problematic. Except at least they don’t purport to be prophets.)