A friend was recently crowdsourcing because her son is interested in babysitting, and he even said he wanted to take some classes to make himself more ready to babysit. He’s an oldest child, very responsible, and he likes kids. While most of her friends were supportive of his ambitions, a few raised concerns about boys babysitting. Given the church’s focus on families, I was surprised at the level of taboo some Mormons seem to feel is associated with boys babysitting.
False Allegations
One mother said she would not allow her sons to babysit because she was afraid they would be falsely accused of doing something inappropriate. She allows them to watch her other children, but wouldn’t want them watching someone else’s children. In other words, she feels her sons are trustworthy, but other people and their children are not, unfairly persecuting boys.
This struck me as particularly paranoid. Why would someone who had no qualms about hiring a boy to babysit make a false accusation about impropriety just because it’s a boy? Clearly such a parent already thinks a boy is a suitable babysitter. This is the same thinking that goes into certain cultural rules in the church like missionaries having to show up in a posse if a woman is home alone (because that doesn’t look suspicious) or men refusing to give women a ride home in a snowstorm or refusing to work with women.
True Allegations
There’s an underlying belief that only women and girls can take care of children because boys and men are just a single unsupervised opportunity away from sexual assault. This also assumes that women and girls never do things that are sexually inappropriate, which is unfortunately not true, and it assumes that all boys are barely controlled predators. According to one mother:
I know of two instances where boys (not my own). Have been “curious” (was the word the parent used) and did inappropriate things. Personally, I believe my boys wouldn’t do anything of the sort but why put them in that situation if you can avoid it?
I am aware of one situation in which children were sexually molested by their babysitter, a female. Comedian John Mulaney compares babysitting to putting a horse in charge of a dog–both are more or less the same thing; a babysitter is a slightly larger child. He has a point.
The only real alternative is never using a babysitter, which sounds like a terrific reason to avoid having children altogether. After all, something bad could happen to them anywhere. Don’t send them to school because there are cases of teachers sexually preying on children! Don’t send them to church because it can happen there, too. I know of a situation in which a child was molested in the church bathroom during sacrament meeting. That’s pretty doggone brash.
Church Leader Counsel
Somewhat alarmingly, several folks said that their Stake President had counseled them not to hire boys as babysitters because sexually curious boys can’t be trusted to keep their hands off little kids. Does anyone else find it scary for this belief to be held by male church leaders who also hold private interviews with children behind a closed office door, asking them questions about their sexual activity? Any church leader who thinks that boys sexually molesting children they babysit is a likely outcome, one requiring counsel to avoid it, sounds like a person I don’t want in a position of authority interviewing youngsters privately behind closed doors. Why does it seem self-evident to them that this is how boys think? Is it projection? If so, physician, heal thyself.
What’s really at heart here?
- Sexism. If we save all the crappy jobs for girls, like domestic chores and child care, then the boys get to do the better ones.
- Socialization. In homes where gender roles are not only encouraged but enforced, boys may not learn the nurturing skills to handle child care. This reinforces the idea that girls are somehow inherently better at it. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The fact is, many girls aren’t great at it either. Assuming they are just by virtue of their sex is poor reasoning. Oldest children, those with younger siblings, are probably the best equipped with the skills and demeanor to babysit because they develop those skills in the home.
- Parental Paranoia. While I think we’ve corrected some of the negligence and laxity of earlier generations [1], we may have gone a little overboard. Some parents can’t let their kids out of their sight, putting actual leashes on them, installing nanny cams, and not allowing them to play anywhere but the back yard. But in the day of 24×7 news, parental fears are often fueled by these well-publicized stories that used to be known only locally; it seems that danger lurks around every corner.
So, what’s the best way to hire babysitters while keeping our children safe? Here’s my advice, take it or leave it:
- Kids that want to babysit are better than kids that don’t want to babysit, IMO. I was a pretty indifferent babysitter, and I wasn’t great. If you have to convince someone to watch your kids, maybe you shouldn’t bother.
- Hire kids you know, particularly if your kids like them. Your kids will behave better if they are having fun.
- Hire kids whose parents you know and trust and who have a support network backing them up (e.g. nearby or supportive parents or family members they can call).
- Be realistic about the difficulty level of what you are asking babysitters to do. They are just slightly older kids, after all.
- Hire responsible kids who respond to texts. This one can be hard to gauge before you hire them, but you can ask for references.
- Communicate! Kids are often too inexperienced to know what to tell you. Tell them what you expect and ask questions to find out how things went.
- Oldest kids might have more experience watching younger kids and may have better judgment as a result. Experience is a great teacher, but the tuition is high. Oldest kids’ parents have already paid that tuition in their own houses.
And here’s an article with 5 reasons you should hire a boy babysitter.
Have you hired or been a boy babysitter? Would you encourage your son to babysit?
Discuss.
[1] There’s a horrible but true story of a girl killed and eaten by serial killer Albert Fish in 1928 here (language alert, plus it’s gross). Apparently, all you had to do was mention an out-of-town birthday party to beleaguered parents in 1928, and they would gladly hand over their 9-year old daughter to a complete stranger.
Wheat & Tares 
hawkgrrrl, where do you get all your material. It is always so spot on.
I am the oldest boy of a large family, so I was the typical “more mature/responsible” kid and I knew how to change a diaper. I also had to learn how to cook before I was a teenager.
Growing up there was a family with 3 boys that would plan their time away depending on if I was available or not. I loved babysitting them and we would just play all day. I assume it helped the boys be tired and go to sleep well. It was great!
And then another family in the ward, let’s call them “The Adam’s family”, asked me to babysit. They were a really strange family. At one point I started to smell what I though was a messy diaper. So I tried to check the young one. So in the middle of the living room I tried to do a visual check, but his pants where so tight I couldn’t even see. So in trying to get them off, the diaper came down also. The next day my mom gets a call asking why her son was doing inappropriate things with her child. It took me a few minutes to even figure out what they could even be talking about. So I am sure the kids said something and it was blown out of proportion. I was fine as I had the creeps the entire time I was in their house.
I have boy-girl twins. He is both willing and is generally the more responsible of the two. But a lot of people who will hire my daughter will not hire my son.
As the eldest child of 7, and also a girl, I did not like babysitting. I mostly only babysat my younger siblings, who recently reminded me they really didn’t like me babysitting when my parents would take a trip to the temple (all day), because I would always make them clean and tidy the house. My parents loved returning to a clean and tidy house though.
I’ve rarely used babysitters myself.
I remember my sisters and I being babysat by a boy a few times. He was always my preferred babysitter, maybe because he was least like a(my) “mother.”
In my mom’s ward the Sunday school teacher said you should never ever hug or kiss your grandsons. Granddaughters are okay. He’s been in a number of bishopric and stake positions. Wow.
Forgot to finish my thought – of you hug and kiss them it will give them ‘ideas’. He is probably in the camp of no boy babysitters.
What “ideas” might they get? That their grandparents love and adore them? Heaven forbid!!
Sounds like someone scared to death about sex. I feel sorry for their spouse.
My brother and I both babysat as teens. It was relatively uneventful. But we babysat on the east coast, not a Mormon community, so I guess we were safe from false allegations and stereotypes.
It’s a tricky one. My uncle is a Utah pediatrician with five sons, and he wouldn’t let them babysit my daughters because he’d just seen too many things happen in the course of his practice–he forbade it on principle and the “false allegation” concern. I actually sympathize with that “false allegations” mom as well, because there are so many things said and misconstrued that I’d hate for my son to be in that position. He can babysit cousins but we haven’t branched out to non-relatives (he’s also not particularly interested in babysitting so it’s not a big issue). Nevertheless, we’ve had a lot of discussions about being careful with touch, and listening to “no’s” etc just because he’s a spontaneous kid who might give an unwanted hug before thinking it through.
This is timely. My wife and I are considering getting babysitters for our kids, 2 and 4. Since our 2 year old doesn’t talk much, we’ve discussed what precautions we could take to keep our kids safer. Is it too much to require 2 babysitters until our youngest is 3? There are siblings (a boy and a girl) in our ward who we think might be willing to do this. Or should we just instruct our 4 year old to always keep the 2 year old in sight, and trust that it will actually work out that way (or close enough)? In that case we would just alternate between the sitters.
Hawkgrrrl, you are my Mormon Internet Hero. Always spot on with these challenging and important topics.
My .02: I think it’s sexism, but a certain kind of sexism. The phenomenon you’re describing has very much to do with the larger Mormon tendency to link fear, sexuality and an assumed predatory male instinct. Some of this is understandable. We live in a world where young people of all genders are susceptible to all sorts of potential predators of whatever gender. As a parent, it’s natural to want your kids to be safe. And you, of course, fear what happens if your children aren’t with someone trustworthy. That’s all well and good and it’s obviously important to really do one’s research regarding whoever ends up watching one’s children.
On the other side of that coin, however, is the end result of a long history of the Mormon tendency to see men in particular as predatory. Male sexuality in our church, after all, is so close to the surface that we make the young women responsible for curbing it by dressing modestly because obviously, the men can’t control themselves (Remember, it’s also part of our discourse that men “need” the priesthood to keep them on the straight and narrow). It’s this kind of insane thinking that harms both young men and young women and keeps any potentially healthy discourse about sexuality, boundaries, maturity and responsibility on the back burner because fomenting fear is the goal. When the church uses fear, not love to motivate its members (which it does most of the time, IMHO), the end result is stereotyping, more fear, and an increased unlikeliness that such topics as this get discussed rationally and thoroughly.
Jacob H, to me two babysitters for security concerns seems a little wacky but if you do then please, please don’t do the equally wacky Mormon bit by trying to be cheap when it comes time to pay. If you want to use two babysitters then pay equally for two babysitters. Don’t do something stupid like say each one is only doing half the work or some other rationalization Mormons are quite good at to be cheap about paying for services from other Mormons.
Mormon views on sexuality and being a predator are so messed up (e.g. Male teachers in primary must be doubled up, but not females).
As a guy, I can’t even pick up and drop off the (teenage girl) babysitter, due to the culturally ingrained “predator threat.”
In an ironic twist of fate, perhaps the LDS gay rights movement will force some change. (Or will a new church policy come out requiring a third man to be present if a gay guy and a straight guy are together alone doing church business?)
Jacob H.: No, you can’t expect a 4 year old to be responsible for keeping his/her younger sibling in sight. Even if they were always in sight of one another that doesn’t mean s/he will understand what is happening. It’s just not a reasonable assumption for a child that age.
My advice is to find a sitter (or sitters) whom you feel you can trust. If you go the route of two sitters, definitely follow rb’s advice above.
#10Jacob
A 4 yr old is not capable of being a “monitor,” as you suggested.
It is a weird era we live in. A few years back (not in UT) one of my neighbor’s daughters claimed an older neighbor boy had “touched” her inappropriately while babysitting, a fewyears earlier. Nothing came of it.
Maybe male babysitters should wear “go-pro” cams (to protect themselves) or parents should invest in security cameras?
Hawkgirl, I am surprised that you didn’t mention the Church Handbook policy requiring a man to have another adult present in order to teach primary. This isn’t just a legal precaution. It’s a baked-in feature.
I am a man and have been a school teacher for many years. I trust myself to treat children with respect and dignity, like every other decent human being on the planet. But I absolutely will not meet with a child alone, and not because I fear I might abuse the child. It’s the potential for life and career threatening false accusations that scare me.
I was good friends with a man that was sent to prison for molestation and rape of children in his care during his high school years. He was a member of a close-knit congregation (non-Mormon) and babysat for many families. He pled guilty and spent 5 years in prison and is currently on probation.
I’m not sure that I would allow a boy to babysit my children. It’s a tough one because I understand the sexism involved in that decision. I had no idea of my friend’s past until I googled him. He was so nice and really involved in his campus church.
At the very least, I think it’s important to talk to kids about boundaries and how to say no whether being watched by a boy or girl. Nanny cam too over the top?
We use YM from the ward on a regular basis. Never worried more or less based on the gender of the babysitter. Worried more about whether they followed house rules or not.
With all the talk of two-deep leadership and safety for all parties, why is the idea of 2 babysitters jarring? Just because it’s not the cultural norm?
My husband was an oldest child and is far better at nurturing than I will ever be. He often kept an eye on younger kids. I was a youngest child. Adults saw me as responsible so I was often asked to babysit. I never felt comfortable with it, though.
My husband loves serving in Primary, but he is very supportive of the two-teacher rule. He works in pediatrics and believes it is always a good idea to be overly cautious when it comes to the care of kids and perception of any impropriety. We both feel that there should be two teachers for *any* primary class, for many reasons (male or female). As far as my own extended family, the sexual predators were male family members (dads to kids), so I’m a little skittish about older male caretakers just because of that background.
Because of our circumstances, we’ve rarely used any babysitters over the years (I can think of two). Our oldest is autistic, so we don’t plan on using him as a babysitter. Our other two (both girls) are comfortable with younger kids, so they’ll probably have their turns.
While I know women can be sexual predators, playing the odds means I feel safer with a female babysitter. I know women and girls who have been sexually abused as children by male babysitters, male older brothers of friends, etc.
When younger children are at my house and I leave, I check with parents about whether they are comfortable with me leaving their child here with an oldest teenager girl and/or teenage boy also in the house. I don’t judge them for being sexist if they prefer their child is not put in a vulnerable position with a teenage boy without adult supervision. Everyone has a different level of comfort.
It does make me wonder if those of you with NO qualms about a teenage boy babysitter feel the same way about letting your 11 year old daughter hang out with a 16 year old boy for a few hours where she is completely at his mercy.
My kids haven’t had male babysitters. But once my daughter was 16 I figured she could choose who she is comfortable with so she is welcome to spend time with boys her age (date) without me having to interview them and me protect her from them. But when she was younger? No. When she was old enough to look like a teenager but the boy was older? No.
The teenage boy I know who was an abuser sexually abused a three year old girl he babysat and later at age 20 a 15 year old girl who was the friend of his friend’s little sister.
This is tough for me. as a mental health practitioner I want to encourage males to brush off the ideas that Bo’ys don’t babysit. the sexism is obvious. however, false accusations are also damaging enough that I struggle to determine if the risk is worth it. I probably won’t let my boys babysit.
My daughters like to babysit on pairs. I’ve even sent out my 8 y/o with her teen sister. The kids loved them so much they received a whole bunch more calls. If you are nervous about leaving your kids, this is a great option.
The younger sibling going with the older sister to babysit has been a good strategy around our household. It generates a lot of repeat business and also trains the younger sibling (if he/she is paying attention).
I wanted to share a recent incident. We have 3 teenagers who all babysit and my oldest daughter can drive so we get a lot of calls and appointments. I had heard that we had a babysitting appointment that day but when the mom arrived to pick up my daughter, she was not home. Another babysitter was home and said let’s go. I went to the door and was very surprised who was there. It was the older sister of one of my daughter’s good friends. The friend is the go-to sitter, but both sets of grandparents live in town and so do her husband’s younger siblings and other family. I told her of my surprise in seeing her and asked about all of her relatives who could babysit. She said her husband’s siblings & cousin were out. I went through all of her relatives in my mind and then asked about the youngest cousin (still older than the babysitter she picked up at my house). She replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot about her”. The youngest sibling without any nieces and nephews is easily forgotten. Everyone knows that we are the pros.
When the oldest daughter has siblings 11 & 14 years younger, the babysitting expertise is widely known.
I had a boy from the ward babysit last summer when I had things to do during the day. He was great, the kids loved him. Best of all, he is the only babysitter I have hired who will find his own transportation – he rode his bike. I hate picking up and dropping of the babysitter. I hate, hate, hate it. Twenty years ago when I babysat for the evening, the dad always drove me home and nothing inappropriate ever happened. My husband has never once taken a babysitter home lest he be accused of some misconduct (his idea, not mine).
A few years ago in our community a female teacher at the high school was found out – she was having sex with two mentally disabled minor boys at the school. I have a family member who I suspect was molested by his grandmother (and perhaps his mother), but these incidents are brushed off because grandma did it (I don’t think they would be brushed off if they were done by grandpa). I think women do these things more often than we like to admit due to sexism. Not the best sources, but the following links do bring up the idea that women are more likely to offend than we like to think:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_child_molesters#cite_note-9
http://jezebel.com/5335061/sexual-abuse-by-women-the-crime-no-one-wants-to-investigate
Personally I wouldn’t recommend babysitting to my sons, mostly because I hated doing it myself and once I got a job I never babysat again.
#10 JacobH
I think the idea that you need two babysitters falls under Hawk’s “Parental Paranoia.” It’s easy to get worked up in a culture that drags the most atrocious stories into the media on a continual basis. You can spend hours on the internet getting details of different cases and situations that do less to inform and more to instill fear.
I know a lot of people will disagree because we should do anything and everything to protect children, but I think overprotection has its failings too. We can’t prevent every bad thing from happening. As a parent, I use my best judgment and in this instance, I choose the babysitter I trust the most. It doesn’t include insisting on having two babysitters. Maybe the two babysitters work as a molesting pair? Maybe we should have three. Of mixed genders. And ages. And background checks. Maybe I should just stay home until the kids are 18.
I’m sorry if this comes out as harsh, it is only the opinion of a random internet stranger. Do what’s best for you and your family.
Excellent topic.
For those who think this is just a “Mormon” thing, the first place I heard of these complete ban on boys/young men as babysitters was Dr. James Dobson on one of his Focus on the Family Broadcasts. Beyond that, I am not sure if it is even a religious thing either.
On the one hand, I am a father of daughters. I am very aware of the possibility of sexual abuse. When we bandy about statistics like “1 in 4 to 1 in 3 women has been abused by the time she reaches 18 (or 20 or whatever is),” it is difficult not to look at 1/4 to 1/3 of the boys/men (since we also claim that boys/men are by far more likely to be the perpetrators) that my daughters encounter as potential threats. How shall we deal with this fear?
On the other hand, I was one of those young men who had an occasional babysitting gig. In hindsight, I may not have been a very good babysitter, but I don’t believe I was ever a danger to those children. As such a man, I take some offense at these blanket statements. In part, I am sensitive to the “demonization” of male sexuality that seems to underpin some of these attitudes. In part, I am bothered that we are teaching our boys/young men that they cannot/should not be an active part in childcare and child rearing — essential skills, IMO, to being a good father. In part, it bothers me to think that people are automatically “suspecting” me of being a potential predator simply because I am a man. In part (maybe a lot), I am just bothered that anyone (man, woman, boy, girl) would prey on children in this way.
It seems to me that this is one small aspect of the much larger issue’s around sexual abuse and predation. I don’t know what to do about it. As your essay suggests, I would like to think that a blanket “never use boys/young men as babysitters” misses the mark. On the other hand, some caution and concern seems to be warranted to try to protect our children.
The picture doesn’t fit
One time in a series called Jericho they came to a town and a little boy ran out of the nursery and the female nursery worker chased after him to bring him back inside. Can you imagine if it was a male nursery worker? Not saying that men cant do it but it just doesn’t fit, doesnt look right.
one time in the cartoon movie Tarzan at the very beginning the ship was on fire and the mother was in the boat with the baby while the father tried to rescue things from the burning ship. Can you imagine if the father was in the boat with the baby and the mother was trying to rescue things from the ship? I’m sure she could but it just doesn’t fit.
Society has certain expectations of males and babysitting just isn’t one of them.