For starters, sexting is pretty much a no-no in terms of the law of chastity, and yet, it is common among teens. As a “no contact” sexual experience [1] it may seem like an easy way to avoid the nasty side-effects of breaking the law of chastity. Will anyone get pregnant? No. Do you have to confess it? Er. . . What will happen if you do? Uhm . . . ?
A recent article in the Atlantic explained some of the ins and outs of sexting in more detail. As a mother of teens who gets most of my information about current sexual trends from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, this was helpful. I think we all know the scary stuff: images are never fully gone once they are sent out, teens’ developing brains lack judgment about sending or posting images, and future employers as well as a burgeoning number of perverts troll the internet looking for embarrassing photos of our kids that will be used against them until they die. In short, as alarmingly permanent as tattoos seem, sexts are a million times worse, and there’s no Q-switch laser procedure to remove them. Additionally, because it is illegal to post nude pics of minors on line, even if the person is posting a selfie, they are technically illegal. That doesn’t mean they are always truly committing a sex crime, even if they are according to the letter of the law.
In cases of sexting, it is very hard for law enforcement officials to be consistent and to know and when or how to assign blame. There are a few terms that are helpful in this regard:
Aggravating Circumstances. An adult was involved or blackmail was involved. In one case, two teen girls bullied an autistic boy into posting a picture of his genitals. The boy was prosecuted. [facepalm]
Reckless Circulation. Sounds like the blood is flowing too fast, taking the corners on two wheels. This actually refers to forwarding or posting nude pictures of another person without their consent.
No Malicious Elements. Normal teen sexual exploration. Even in these cases, Pennsylvania police reported making an arrest in 18% of cases!
What are teen attitudes about sexting?
As with most teen sex culture, there is a big double standard surrounding texting. Additionally, girls can be cruel to each other, mainly based on class or clique, trying to distinguish themselves as “classy” compared to other girls whose pictures are shown.
Studies on high-school kids’ general attitudes about sexting turn up what you’d expect—that is, the practice inspires a maddening, ancient, crude double standard. Researchers from the University of Michigan recently surveyed a few dozen teenagers in urban areas. Boys reported receiving sexts from girls “I know I can get it from” and said that sexting is “common only for girls with slut reputations.” But the boys also said that girls who don’t sext are “stuck up” or “prude.” The boys themselves, on the other hand, were largely immune from criticism, whether they sexted or not.
Knowing the risk, why do girls get involved?
Our only way of being alone was to do it over the phone. It was a way of kind of dating without getting in trouble. A way of being sexual without being sexual, you know? And it was his way of showing he liked me a lot and my way of saying I trusted him.”
Most teens who sext feel pressured to do so, although the majority sext to a boyfriend or girlfriend. But those who sext due to feeling extreme pressure or wanting to get a boyfriend (12% of sexting girls fit this category based on interviews) feel worse after sexting and feel they have negative social effects. These pressures sexters were also more likely to engage in self-cyberbullying (leaving mean comments about themselves on internet sites) in order to get sympathy or attention. They were also more prone to problems with sexual violence in dating.
The good news
Few teens share sexts with others without permission. Sexting is not a gateway to sex. [2] Sexters are over three times as likely to be sexually active. Sexts received outside of relationships seldom figure into young male fantasies, which are mostly shaped by pornography instead, something that should scare us all.
Warning Signs
These are the behaviors that create serious problems.
- Sexting before high school age.
- Sexting due to pressure rather than within a relationship.
- Sexting in order to pursue a relationship that one does not already have.
My guess is that psychologically, any risky behavior teens engage in (not just sexting) in unequal relationships is likely to create problems. The church’s current focus on the Law of Chastity and the guidelines in For the Strength of Youth do a great job at limiting the first two problem behaviors: beginning group dating no earlier than 16 helps with the first [3], and reducing sexual pressure in relationships by making celibacy the norm [4] helps with the second. On the third, that’s not really addressed, but it’s an important caution.
While being a teen may be roughly the same no matter what generation you are, being a parent sure doesn’t seem to get any easier.
Discuss.
[1] LDS teens always seem to be in search of these.
[2] Correlation does not equal causation.
[3] Might have helped back in the 1840s, too.
[4] Also making celibacy “normal” is biologically difficult of course.
Thanks for the article — I appreciate the information you shared. It is sad to think of a youth (usually a young woman) so desperate for attention, but apparently this has always been so — sexting is just the newest manifestation of that. It is also sad that another youth (usually a young man) would pressure a girl to sext. I think the old adage is that girls have always been willing to give sex in order to get love, and boys have always been willing to give (or pretend) love in order to get sex.
But my point: Sexting involving minors is illegal in the United States, as you pointed out — it might also be a sin — but it isn’t a violation of the law of chastity — rather, I suppose it is covered by one of the hedges around the law of chastity. In other words, “no malicious elements” sexting involving minors is something for parents to handle; it isn’t in itself one of those serious transgressions for which confession to a church leader is required. If a parent learns that his or her minor son or daughter has been involved in “no malicious elements” sexting, I hope the parent will handle the matter as part of his or her parental responsibilities to teach and discipline.
As parents of a tween we’re watching this very closely. Right now the main problem seems to all the drama caused by gossiping but sexting is probably just a year or so away. She just got iTouch not a phone which limits her texting to wifi only making her opportunities fewer less isolated and less personal than a cell connection might offer. In my research I learned that kik plus instagram is a common open door for pedophiles, so she isn’t allowed to post photos of herself although she has already broken that rule once that we know of.
We want to control the message so we’re introducing her to puberty issues and sexuality in advance of her body and her friends which reduces the titillation involved making the introduction more of a normal smooth life transition. We began a couple of years ago by reading as a family Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret a dated but excellent book by Judy Blume that follows an 11 year old girl through these transitions.
Footnote #3 is the best ever.
As a mother of 2 teen sons and a 12y girl (plus 2 more trailing behind), I have been through a lot of teen anxiety. I see a healthier way but I definetly don’t have many answers. Each child is just so different. I have seen the girls pull my son into the sexting world. Some are so desperate for love that they will do anything and even my son was desperate at times for love (as he was not getting the love he needed at home due to my business and my fear)
A crazy example of what some girls will do. I even got a call last week from a girl saying she was pregnant with my son’s baby, she was willing to get an abortion but she just wanted him back. I then texted my son at school and he calls me. Hard to see that when I am a virgin, he says. Never was able to find out who she was but I had to first show my son I trusted him. I loved him. This is not how I would have been 5 years ago. I would have panicked (not that my heart didn’t skip a beat with the call…lol). There just has to be love and a safe place for teens with an adult who can guide and empower them.
Now I am not so afraid of sexuality of a teen. I was afraid of my own sexuality as a teen. We have addressed his sexting with a girl up north previously- never easy as a parent. Now we have talked about how some girls he has known are really aggressive sexually to get love and he is not attracted to that any longer. We have talked about how really it is just a sign that they have needs not being met or are suffering inside, etc…(not his job to save or rescue)
As I have allowed my son to learn and not be afraid of his mom (dad has always been better at that) because I might panic, it has allowed more open dialogue about girls, relationships, mental health, sex, girl drama (yes, this can be a real problem I have seen). I think boys are just as vulnerable to love through sexting. They are just better at holding stuff in. I see they are just as confused as most of the girls by how to proceed in a healthy relationship.
I think due to brain science, prefrontal lobe development, it is just not possible to have all the judgement, impulse control, and focus needed to make healthy choices as a teen (or an adult for many). I think the focus needs to be on greater body awareness, attention exercises, and mindfulness practices to promote greater healthy prefrontal lobe formation for a life time of happiness and not about control of appetites, shame tactics to prevent, guilt over teen sexuality but empowerment of the child to have an internal guide, self-compassion, and love of self first (as the scriptures state – neighbor was never meant to be next to God…a whole other rant for another time…lol)
Teens are wonderful and their sexuality is important for them to not fear. My husband says, “I was taught ‘don’t look, cause you are barely able to keep from objectifying girls.” His point is that boys are taught to objectify by the language being used to keep them from objectifying. He then spent 30 years objectifying women. You can’t teach a teen this way.
You give them hope and vision of who women are. At our last stake standards night, one of the bishop’s counsel to each of the questions asked anonymously by the youth was to not do it cause of what it would look like as a member of the church. Uhhh…my husband was so upset by this. The shame language is what is keeping the objectification a secret. My husband on the way home said to my son that he didn’t want him to do or not do anything cause of how it might LOOK as a member of the church. He said I want you to have your own internal guide that is honoring yourself, not the church.
Why don’t we bring in specialists to teach healthy sexuality? Do we really know what is healthy sexuality even as adults? I know I don’t. After 20 years of self shame, spouse sexual addiction, and never good enough sexually self-talk. I am just beginning, after 1 1/2 Years of therapy to say to myself, “What is healthy sexuality?…FOR ME!” Tough questions that I want to explore without shame. I would love any resources that promote healthy sexuality through connection and intimacy for adults and teens.
Ideas???
My husband has only recently also discovered the shame he was taught in the church to avoid sexual sins but only drove him to objectification and addiction as a form of self-medication (just as all forms of addiction are a way to escape). He says a woman’s body does not have to be taught as an object but she should be taught to be seen as a person- a human being.
(disclaimer- obviously these are gender stereotypes and can go both ways in but are just the patterns typically seen in each gender…especially my home…lol)
Whether or not it breaks the law of chastity is a question of what “sexual relations” are. Not so cut-and-dry.
“Why don’t we bring in specialists to teach healthy sexuality?”
I think they are called parents. Mostly by example, but also as part of their responsibility of raising their children.
With all the talk about self-worth, respect for each other, strong women and feminism, there is still a major disconnect among our youth that creates the same old challenge in a modern technological form.
Well, unfortunately the Law of Chastity is not so cut-and-dry, like LDS modesty it has been a slowly moving target of increasing sexual repression where “sexual intercourse” morphs into “sexual relations” and other sexual sins have been added to include the pernicious evils of necking and petting offered as the gateway drugs of fornication and unwed pregnancy.
Jeff, as a parent and talking to many other parents. I think most parents struggle with teaching this in a healthy way. I wish I could have been one of those “specialists to teach healthy sexuality” to my older children. I used the obedience and commandment narratives as my main forms after their full entrance into adolescence and difficulties rise. It just was not a safe place for my kids to talk, unfortunately.
Yes, I taught them about sex and their bodies (I am an nurse) but what is healthy is my question? Do we really know as parents with no owner’s manual but conference talks and church manuels, if you come from all else is wrong mentality (as many do). I admire all those who are able be raised or convert to the church and teach healthy sexuality (definition please).
Old Challenge? Are you talking about the talk we give to our youth about “self-worth, respect…” and then shame them in the next breath with not being “good enough”. Not sure the message is coming across. According to research it has to be a 5:1 ratio. Is our ratio healthy?
I think what I term “specialists” should be encouraged over panels of bishops as the source of information to answer tough youth questions they don’t ask their parents but submit to a “stake standards fireside” panel.
One thing I do know is that “I don’t know” the answer. 🙂 (wish I could show my gratitude that I am OK with questions and not knowing all the answers)
Sue,
“Jeff, as a parent and talking to many other parents. I think most parents struggle with teaching this in a healthy way.”
I agree with this, but it is still their responsibility. Church leaders are responsible for teaching the gospel principles in conjunction with parents, not instead of.
You surely wouldn’t expect them to teach your daughters about menstruation or your sons about nocturnal emissions, would you? Why about sex?
“Old Challenge?” The old challenge of young people sexuality driven by their changing hormones. We are trying to teach our sons and daughters the correct way to have self-worth and the proper respect for each other and yet we seem the same old behaviors in a different form.
I think many folks expect schools to teach about sex, menstruation, nocturnal emissions. But given that many people disagree with what secular education has to say on the subject, then there does need to be a different institutional authority teaching those lessons. That is, for religious folks, often going to be the church.
I agree 100% with you that it is parents responsibility.
I guess my point is and my frustration is having grown up in a church that teaches heavily about the “don’t’ areas. The shame this causes with this and being fully correlated to the extreme for most of my life. It has resulted in trauma for me personally and affected how I taught the “don’ts by going for only “church” material.
The church (i.e our bishop panel at the stake standards night answering teens questions) gets to involved in areas that they don’t have the knowledge to get into healthy dialogue about. At this point in my leader fallibility crisis, I want the church to get out of the shame business. It is affecting our youth. (Old challenge needs new ways) As a religious folk (smile) and with my previous thinking that Salt Lake (i.e the to DO list in the For the strength of Youth pamphlet) was the answer.
So I think I don’t know that the religious organization (i.e. our church) is doing any better or less harm than schools. Is it hurting harming more? Doing more damage? Are those brought up outside the structure healthier in their sexuality in the long run? (I am talking about generalities but I guess I am personally seeking…??? Something new possibly. Depth and beauty in our human sexuality as the main points of doctrine? I know it is hidden but I want more mindfulness or buddhist dept to our doctorine. To much shame and now that comes to my entire faith crisis right now)
I am shifting in my views as I am not sure of much right now in teaching “healthy sexuality”, but I heavily rely on external sources (not lists of don’ts) for guidance because my internal compass is broke but I am working on getting a tune-up…lol
I just want something different for my kids but the only thing I am sure of is they need more love and safe place to open up than fear. I am fine teaching about how the body functions but how to teach morals is tricky except with love.
Healthy sexuality: comfort with your own body naked, healthy curiosity with what a member of the other sex, but matter of fact education and discussion. I have worked hard to find books and resources and discuss with my kids a lot and frequently. Respect for other people always. If they say no they mean no. Always. Each of us is responsible for our own thoughts. Remember King David? If he would have been in the right place he never would have has his problem. So, being in the right place at the right time. Most of this I had to figure out as an adult. My spouse is a convert and did not have to work through so much of the shame part and sex is bad parts. The Catholic doctrine is quite nice to read.
I have to disagree with the statements that the Law of Chastity isn’t so cut-and-dry. The most eloquent explanation I’ve heard for the principles underlying the Law of Chastity were was given by Elder Scott when he said, effectively, the emotions tied to the private parts of the body are not to be stimulated within ourselves or with others except with the person to whom we are married. Long story made short: deliberately getting yourself or someone else aroused outside of your marriage violates the Law of Chastity.
I think the greater confusion comes from the conflation of “violation of the Law of Chastity” and “confessing to the bishop.” I see no need for a great many violations to be confessed to anyone other than the Lord. Sexting would, in my opinion, fall under that category.
I would imagine the moving target has more to do with addressing people’s justifications (‘oral as moral’) than it does with creating a sexually suppressed membership. (1982 letters, aside, I have my doubts that oral sex was ever considered kosher outside of marriage)
Sexting is definitely a thing among youth. One game played at our school (which swept up some LDS youth) involves the girls sticking their phones in their shirts and snapchatting the pictures to the boys, and the boys trying to guess whose picture their looking at. Completely safe because the picture disappears and the girls’ faces aren’t involved, right?
Some of our youth are heavily influenced by what they see on TV. So many actors do nude or sex scenes and they’re viewed as cool and sexy. Sexually aggressive women are depicted as strong, confident, and empowered. Some very popular TV shows involve a lot of sex and nudity, so a little thing like sexting seems like no big deal.
I know youth who are quite pleased with the response to their sexts — they find it self-affirming. I also know youth who’ve received bad reviews, and one of them wanted to kill herself. Emotionally, sexting is just one way of being sexually active with everything that goes with it.
I agree with a lot of what Sue is saying about healthy sexuality. I don’t think the church does a good job teaching it, nor do I think schools or other secular organizations and media do it well. Some parents do it better than others. Mine didn’t say a word about it, except “don’t do it before you’re married.”
Missing pieces of the conversation on sexuality include intimacy, objectification, communication, and expression. I have yet to sit through any lesson on the evils of pornography and be told why it was bad – the idea is implied that it is bad because it is sexual, and no doubt the same logic is used for sexting. All this does is make the person involved feel shame for being sexual since it is the sexuality that is defined as bad, not the lack of intimacy or the presence of objectification. A healthier cultural outlook on sexuality could solve a myriad of problems.
Sure, teaching healthy sexuality is a parent’s responsibility. However, the church could help parents by providing fewer opportunities for shame and less reinforcement of negative attitudes toward sex and sexuality.
I understand the shame/self-medication cycle, and I can understand that things said in church could contribute to it, but I don’t understand what people are asking for when they want the church to teach healthy sexuality. When it comes to the scriptures, most of what we read with respect to sexuality is in terms of don’ts. Don’t commit adultery, fornication, whoredoms (whatever those are), or even lust. Do’s are limited to husbands and wives becoming one flesh and rendering benevolence. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there are no do’s outside of marriage that I know of. It makes it look like there is no “healthy sexuality” outside of marriage. And trying to teach teens healthy sexuality within marriage doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, unless you’re just talking about general attitude.
Sometimes when people complain about the church’s teachings on sexuality, I think they just mean we should quit demonizing pornography or emphasizing the seriousness of sexual sin. Pornography is truly a demon for many, as is alcohol. Should we not demonize alcohol simply because most people don’t have a problem with it? And the scriptures are pretty thorough in condemning sexual sin, even if you don’t want to accept that it’s the sin next to murder (or however you want to interpret Alma). I’m not convinced that watering down the message would result in a decrease in sin or a healthier sexuality.
Martin,
I see you are coming from a more “don’t” perspective. That is my old way. It just has not worked for all in my circles and not an approach I learned in therapy. Yes, I have needed therapy to work trauma from all this out.
I guess I now see the scriptures differently. I just can’t see them as “word of God” in a literal sense. We need to address the reality that teens need to have a “healthy sexuality”. Studies show that focusing on negative does not produce more positive but can produce more fear/trauma. I just don’t think we can use the scriptures a “sexual guide” in our day. We can learn much about the consequences but not for healthy sexuality.
Watering down the message is not suggested. Actually lets step up a healthy message. I have never got much out of my children by a list of don’t do this and this and this. I don’t think God works this way either. Man is really good at writing down “to don’t” lists. Let’s inspire, empower, lift up and not tear down our youth because they have “sexuality” outside of marriage. We are sexual beings whether we are married or not.
To say sexuality is only a “married” thing is not healthy. It is not an on/off switch. I have seen the problem of pornography with my grandpa, my dad, my husband, and my son. I would say the way boys are taught does demonize their sexuality and we must empower boys and girls to honor and embody their bodies.
Most of the time we are taught to forget yourself, lose yourself. I would say that unless there is a self, there is nothing to lose or forget. We must start with healthy individual ‘sexuality’. This is where I don’t know the right words to describe what that is for a teen. I can just remember as a teen feeling sexual shame and guilt because I had sexual feelings. I am just not sure exactly how to approach it but I know it is not by the negative portrayal of sex, sexuality, women’s bodies, appetites, the human body, and desire. It is about respect, honor, love, loyalty, and safety.
If we had a different message, we could have teens and adults who may struggle, they may turn to these in curiosity, or explore their personal sexuality, but I just know shame is NOT the path for healthy sexuality or the way to decrease the use of porn, sexting, or sexual relations outside of marriage.
The church has no idea what healthy sexuality looks like so how can anyone expect them to teach it? Nudity isn’t sinful but it gets conflated with porn by the church and YW end up being called walking porn for exposing their shoulders and thighs! The biggest problem with porn isn’t nudity at all, it’s that porn teaches disconnected sex as opposed to intimate love making and because it’s sooo in the LDS closet it also teaches one to indulge in isolation which causes more distance in place of connection. The church teashes only complete abstention, try that with food next time you’re on a cruise ship and let’s see how it goes. Q15 is out of touch, don’t expect them to teach your children healthy sex.
The challenge with turning to the scriptures for guidance on sexuality, is that nearly all the explicit examples are the problematic stories of the Old Testament. Lot offering his daughters to the gay dude, then the daughters sleeping with their dad. Leah tricking Jacob into sleeping with her. Judah getting seduced by his daughter-in-law. Ruth laying at the feet of Moab. David and Bathsheeba. Hosea the prophet commended to marry a prostitute.
Even the New Testament examples (go and sin no more)hardly match the “sin next to murder” rhetoric. Turning to Church history and the D&C for guidance has drawbacks as well. (As the new church essays admit, the “timeless” command of not lusting after another man’s wife has even been suspended at times, apparently.)
I’ll add one more caution about looking to either the church or the scriptures to understand human sexuality. As a woman, I struggle to determine what the difference is between a harlot, a prostitute, an unfaithful wife, a whore, and a woman with political ambitions. There’s not a single gigolo mentioned in the scriptures, but women are selling it all over the place. Looks to me like a male editor, which of course we know it was, and several misogynist clerks perhaps. Likewise, when we try so hard to force everyone into prescribed gender roles, sex is likewise reduced to male role (aggressor) female role (defender). That’s a pretty dumbed down view of sexuality.
I agree with those who say we shouldn’t look to the church for sex education.
I am optimistic, though, that if we can help kids avoid the excesses like those from the article, those psychological problems in relationships, that they will be light years ahead in making good sexual decisions. Bad self esteem and poor social skills seems like a recipe for bad sexual decision making.
HawkGrrl wrote: “As a woman, I struggle to determine what the difference is between a harlot, a prostitute, an unfaithful wife, a whore, and a woman with political ambitions” – in jest, I’d say it depends upon her ‘marketability’. And, like Obi-Wan attempted to defend his outright lie about ‘Vader’ MURDERING his REAL father, it depends upon your POV. There tends to be a difference between Democrats, Progressive, and other ‘Liberals’ versus “Wascally Weppubblicans” and similar self-styled ‘Conservatives’ – most would esteem the Conservative Women to be WAY hotter. Therefore, more often than not an epithet about the political females’ mores is applied to Republican women than Democrats. I’ve not been privy to the recent successful candidacy of Mia Love (UT, 4th District), but I can well imagine the slurs directed her way, likely completely mean-sprited and unjustified. Her ability to succeed in the District of Criminals come next January will depend greatly on how thick a skin she has or develops.
As for kids and ‘sexting’…OF COURSE we ought to strictly prohibit it and take a ‘zero-tolerance’ attitude. IDW if getting law enforcement involved is necessarily the best thing; I can see it if some adult (not acting maturely, obviously) were to be eliciting a minor to send a naked selfie. LE tends to have its own agenda which does not necessarily promote the best interests of the so-called ‘victim’; the country has become too much of a police state as it is. The late Bruce R. McConkie said it best in one of his iterations of “Mormon Doctrine”…after listing a slew of the various means by which one breaks the Law of Chastity, he declared: “The Lord’s Counsel is simple…BE CHASTE!” Reasonably intelligent young people ought to be able to figure out that sexting is verboten.
Sue,
I feel like you were about where I was a year ago with anger and frustration on this subject. I have struggled quite a bit with what the church should be doing and not doing. After being angry as hell about the whole thing and how I feel my marriage is majorly screwed up due to it, I have backed off now after much contemplation. Yes I absolutely think the church needs to give more sex-positive messages, stop having bishops talk to YW about sexual issues in private interviews, stop trying to use shame (as it often causes a downward spiral), and explain that parents need to get educated on how to educate their children about sex. I think most LDS parents think they generally shouldn’t be looking at non-LDS books to learn. BS. There are some REALLY great authors that are solid Christians (as well as some LDS authors also). Just doing this would go quite a long way so that the next generation would be much more sexually healthy. It seems like if the LDS church really values marriages, they would make more efforts to not have as many divorces coming from these issues.
On a side note, I wish you luck in your faith trial. I can feel your anger and I remember it well. I hope you are able to find a bit more peace over time.
The Church’s job is to teach the Law of Chastity, period. It is not its job to specifically deal with outside influences. that job primarily belongs to members and others in the general public.
The conflict between the Law of Chastity and the way sexuality is portrayed by looking at media and the way women in general are still portrayed. The modern feminist movement is still powerless to change what goes on TV. movies and in the fashion world. all the complaining about objectification, shame, rape culture and body image should be directed at media and the fact that the general public and women in general do not strongly object with the money. That is the way it will get changed.
And while those industries are still largely controlled by men, there are many women involved that are letting it happen still.
It’s time to look beyond the simple act of blaming the Church and look at one’s on use of media. turning it off, not buying it and voting with your money will have the strongest impact.
We are sending our kids mixed messages.