I’m reluctant to give advice to married couples on how to resolve their problems. But this is the advice I gave someone when they really wanted my input on how to resolve a fight over how they were dealing with a child.
Dear —
To be honest, I don’t know the answers. Sometimes a kid needs a kick in the pants. Sometimes they just need time to sort themselves out. I tend towards just waiting things out, my wife tends towards the kick in the pants approach.
But the important thing I would focus on is putting your marriage first. If a conflict causes you trouble with your marriage, the one thing you can do, the one thing you can control, is you can put the conflict aside. When I was just a kid (like first or second grade), Spencer W. Kimball came through Newfoundland where my dad was stationed.
We had a sister who was trying to get her husband to shape up. She tried to enlist Elder Kimball’s help at that time. As an apostle he told her to focus instead on patiently loving him. The advice made a big impression on my dad who was in the branch presidency and who had expected something different. Years later he encountered the couple in the temple.
Rather than fight over [child], what I would really encourage you to do is to work on establishing harmony by peace and patience and support. Give [your spouse] the support he/she needs right now. Your [child]’s problems are his/her own. At his/her age they are his/her own fault and his/her own to control. There are things you can do to help, though I’m not sure what they are.
But the thing I am sure of is that you can help your relationship, the core one that spills over into your family and all your other children, by focusing on supporting, loving and not fighting with your spouse.
That is the advice I’d probably give you, now that I’ve had a chance to meditate and pray a little.
I know. It doesn’t do anything about [child].
But it does do something important.
How often would you suggest that advice ought to be the answer to a different question than the one asked? What type of advice would you give a couple who was fighting over a child?
Wheat & Tares 
Never, ever, undermine each other. This does more damage than anything else.
I have told my kids from time to time that my wife and I love each other more than we love them, and also that this is the way things should be. It makes them feel secure knowing that the core stability of the family is not related to them and does not depend on them and is based on love and commitment.
Triangulating is never a good idea, imho. As hard as it can be for some, making everything between the parents and the child, rather than between the child and a parent and a parent, is a lot better. Parents definitely need to work though their disagreements, with or without a professional as needed.
Very wise and thoughtful post. We have definitely let teenagers who were going through hard times impact our marital relationship in a negative way. I think it is important to work on supporting your spouse, having loads of empathy, and keeping that relationship as intact as possible. It takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, and sometimes compromise. But if the marital relationship is suffering, it is hard to improve other aspects of the family.
Spot on.
We choose whom we marry. We need to continue to nurture that chosen relationship.
I don’t think many couple realise that it is a child they are fighting over, often there is an increased level of tension inthe home and bickering and snapped comments are thrown about like confetti on there wedding day.
My advice is to always treat your partner like your best friend, always use kind words & appologise quickly.
Advice can be a really tricky thing. In the end, each person lives their own life, wirh the consequences of their actions. There is some luck involved, of course. I think of “Howard’s End” by E.M. Forester. One of the characters quits a good job because of rumors of layoffs ( I may be misremembering). But in the end, it would have been better if he stayed.
So it’s tricky to give any advice. Nothing will work for everyone. And giving advice sometimes implies that a person is an expert or knows more than another. I think experts on marriage are few and far between.
With all that said, I believe that a couple should be willing to consider professional therapy if one spouse wants to go. It doesn’t mean the death of a marriage, just an increase in communication and a level set of expectations.