Hugh B Brown used to tell the story of how he was excluded from a promotion. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new-era/1973/01/the-currant-bush?lang=eng
A number of men were considered, and only one man was promoted, but he felt the reason he was not was particularly unfair.
But then he realized that there were things more important than his career.
I went through something like that myself. My boss called me to talk about an opening for a job equal to his in another city. I kept suggesting people he could consider.
He finally interrupted with “I don’t need suggestions, I’m trying to offer you the job.”
I responded with “I’m trying to say no, politely.”
Taking the promotion would have meant a lot of things, but it would have come at a cost to my family—and they were more important.
But I often wonder, what do people find important?
When was the last time you heard someone talk about what a blessing a career reversal turned out because it caused them to put family before money or prestige?
If they did, how often is that held up as an example?
Do we really value our families if careers come first?
Does it matter if family first is a choice or does it only count if it is forced on us?
Wheat & Tares 
Jim Collins, author of the book “Good to Great” said, “If you have more than three priorities, you have none.”
I would like to be better off financially, but not if it costs me my family… or my health… or my integrity. So I guess those are my three priorities.
As to your last question, Yes, it absolutely matters. Convictions aren’t true convictions until they require sacrifice.
Reminds me of The Office episode when Jim withdrew his name from the promotion offer because he was still in love w Pam and didn’t want to leave her. It happens a lot and I agree we don’t here too much about it.
We generally expect men to provide for their families, and we generally expect them to do so at a level above the poverty line. I never want to condemn a man who chooses to work on an afternoon when his kid has a ballgame. Every man must make these decisions individually, hopefully with the support of his wife and the sustaining support of other men. Every man must find the right balance for his family and situation and circumstances. Let us never accuse a man of putting his career above his family — let’s not judge. And let’s not judge women for their individual decisions, either.
We are taught by the Church that true happiness (i.e., what is important) only comes from obedience to the commandments and living the Gospel. All other forms of “happiness” are temporary. Do you really believe that? In my opinion, and I doubt I’m alone here, happiness (i.e., what is important) is based on three key items: health (physical and mental), relationships (family and friends), and financial security (you don’t have to be rich but you need to know you’ll make it). Whether you are LDS or not, whether you’re religious or not, it comes down to those three areas.
There are plenty of very obedient members of the Church who are NOT happy and it’s because something is lacking in one of those three areas. So when you ask me what is important with respect to a job promotion or anything else in life, it depends on how it might affect those three areas. And often times there’s a complex trade off (example: job promo means more money / financial security but less time with family).
And remember that no one on their death bed wished they would have spent more time working or chasing promotions at work. If they have regrets about their lives, it often revolves around having done things differently in their relationships.
This must be somewhat generational. I was at a lunch with some ladies from our ward and the wife of a SP counselor was lamenting how people weren’t volunteering enough at church, weren’t available or engaged enough and seemed to only care about “chasing success and the almighty dollar”. This couple is in their early 50’s, has 6 older children and live modestly, however her husband , is at the top of his field (Which is deserved) and has been at the same job for 20 +yrs. It struck me that she was quite ignorant to the fact that most people are interested in trying to avoid the stress of living paycheck to paycheck. And that requires a lot of effort. At this point, with 3+ months without a paycheck (my husband had shoulder surgery in Feb. so we luckily had savings but we live outside DC and 6 months of saving is roughly an entire years income in other areas)I would kill (bad term right now perhaps) for the choice to choose between money and family. I’d take the money ! . Only slightly kidding. My husband is 39, served a mission, we got married and had 3 kids and he got his degree. I am 37 and in our 17 year marriage he has never once had the luxury of turning down something for the benefit of family . A job IS the benefit to our family. We just pay our tithing and hope it all works out. I, however, have made that choice and had mixed results. I was working last year and, I DID turn down a small promotion because my husband didn’t live in the same state during the week due to work at the time and we couldn’t figure childcare out if I had extra evening hours, so I guess it wasn’t really a choice.Eventually I quit altogether because we didn’t feel we could justify care during the summer with my wages, and I did want to be home with my kids, especially since my husband was only home weekends, but in retrospect it may have been a terrible decision and we could really use the money right now ( I worked in a healthcare sector and would probably have retained my job and Just taken on more responsibility).. I actually think I probably didn’t make a very prayerful decision and just assumed being a mother and wife, that my quitting would be best for the family, and now I’m not so sure. I think it’s great for everyone to do what they prayerfully feel is best for their family, but I just haven’t come across many in my demographic that have had this problem of turning down money and/or prestige .
Thanks for this post. I feel blessed in a sense that my career didn’t take off. I’m 40. Got a PhD in history (emphasis in the Middle East). While getting my PhD I applied for positions in the government that never panned out (polygraph became an insurmountable obstacle, it is fake test that should be banned). I got a few teaching scholarships while getting me PhD only to find that the path to becoming a full-time professor is not family friendly or remunerative. I managed to get a job in international business that lasted for 5 five months. The CEO turned out to be a criminal and is serving time in prison. Three years ago I took over my brother’s private finance business (who deceived and strongarmed me into taking it over, and then abandoned me when his partner/associate sued him for over $100,000) which has been failing. All along in our 12 years of marriage, my wife has been a gainfully employed school psychologist and her career has been the stability in our household. What I have come to find is that joy truly is in the family and friends relationships. Careers are fleeting. Money is fleeting, and the quest for money and prestige can often be a Pyrrhic victory resulting in damaged relationships. My career dead-ends have helped me become a better me and focus on what’s important: my wife and my two boys. I live a more relaxed life than I used to and one that is more family-centered. I focus on learning new things and treasure what I learn, whether or not it actually leads to any money-making opportunities. I have always had enough money. It has never been phenomenal, but let’s face it, there are only a “lucky” few in this world who have a large excess of money. And sometimes they have had to do unthinkable things to get that money. It’s not worth it.
I am finding it now that I am in my 50’s to not be so worried about climbing the corporate ladder. I flat out told my boss over a year ago that I didn’t want to move up as I don’t think I would like it. She respected that and I am glad. I don’t think I was ever really off-balance on work/life, but at times I did really put work first even when it meant a bit less time for the family. Looking back, I realize that I came from a family that never went without a meal, but we always knew we didn’t have much. I recall being so ashamed of the out-of-style hand-me-downs that I had to wear in middle school. I started working hard to be able to buy my own clothes (but I am NOT anything close to a GQ type guy). I paid for most of my mission and all of my college. So I do think the times I leaned a bit too hard on my work came out of the financial insecurity I had growing up. I do think I have a bit of, “I am NOT going to be as financially insecure as my parents”.
As I talk with my kids, they didn’t grow up in the same situation and they seem to be a bit less obsessed with work and spend much more time on leisure and doing things with friends. I think this is true of many in that cohort.
I have seen people that I have to wonder if the words “I am putting my family first” are true when they uproot their families for their careers. I have people in my family that still have emotional scars for being uprooted in their early teens. But then again – some of these the spouse and kids were dragged into it and in some cases they completely changed and loved the change. I have a friend that did a few years in China and then after he was back again in the US for a while he took another assignment in China, not so much for him, but his family was pushing it as they wanted to go back.
The comments have been really insightful. Better than my original post.
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I want to thread jack slightly and say that the things you are listing as making people happy have been scientifically proven to be wrong. A study from 30 years ago found that it appeared to be completely random. Its not tied to any external element: wealth, education, health, marital status, etc. More recently I went to a seminar on happiness and he put it into percentages: 50 % genetic predisposition, 40% thinking patterns, 10 % circumstances.
Partner in Big 4 accounting firm. There are times I truly do think being let go would turn into a blessing in the long run. I have, and continue to sacrifice so much. I spent so many years being truly frustrated until I finally came to the conclusion that it is just in my nature to put my clients first, take pride in what I do, pick up the slack of others, etc. Once I accepted that, I was able to start managing my expectations of myself and the expectations others have for me.
Time is a funny thing. As I age, I simply just cannot do all the things like I could when I was younger. Saying no to church, family extracurricular, and work stuff has gotten easier because I just can’t run that fast anymore.
I also noticed as I moved up the ladder how my priorities changed significantly. During my associate years, it was survival. Living in an expensive CA coastal town with a stay at home wife and four kids meant chasing financial security for nearly two decades. When financial security finally came, priority immediately shifted to craving meaningful relationships. Maslow’s hierarchy and all that.
I hope no one reading here will walk away with the idea that Latter-day Saints should never work late, should turn down promotions, and should never relocate for a career assignment, all in the interest of putting family first. I hope no one reading here will think that a parent who has worked late, who has accepted a promotion, or who has relocated family for a career assignment has selfishly chosen money over family. It is a simple fact for most of us that happy family life requires money, and honest work is honorable — promotions are honorable — relocations are honorable. Everyone has to make these decisions individually, within their own family settings and circumstances.
For myself, I do not believe a teenager should hold a family hostage — if a relocation is good for the family and good for the parents and good of the parents’ future retirement prospects, I think the teenager should support the parents. But this needs to be handled within the family.