I was married to a Bishop’s wife for five years. It put pressure on our marriage. She had to triage my phone calls. My job required I travel out of town a lot, and then when I came home Friday afternoon, I usually had church stuff to attend to all weekend. My wife had to be father and mother to my three kids for those 5 years. She had to keep secrets. She became very popular at church, everybody wanted to be friends with the Bishop’s wife! This was most evident when I was released as Bishop. The women in the ward now had a new Bishop’s wife to be friends with, and they drifted away from my wife.
My kids were teenagers during my tenure as Bishop, so it was not quite the hardship as it could have been. But leading up to be called as bishop, I was bishop’s counselor twice, which took me away from my wife in the congregation for many years while my kids were little.
As I’ve shared in a post about about how to pick a bishop, a 70 told us in bishop’s training during a stake conference that the brethren were concerned that after we were released, that we would still have a job and a wife, and that was not always the case. I know of two bishops in my stake that went through a divorce after they were released. This is one of those statistics that I’m sure the church keeps, and it would be interesting to see how the divorce rate of bishops compare to the average active member. Maybe my anecdotal evidence is an outlier.
I’ve also know some good men that were not called as bishop because of their wives. One sister was a real busybody, always in everybody’s business. She was barely tolerable as a counselor in Relief Society, but would have been intolerable as a bishops wife. Her husband was in the bishopric several times, but was never a bishop. I also know of another bishop that was released early because his wife could not keep confidences that she inadvertently learned.
I think the role, or better said “calling” of a bishop’s wife is highly undervalued. She gets little recognition, but is put through as much or more stress than the bishop himself. What is your experience? How can we help “Sister Bishop” with her unacknowledged calling?
Wheat & Tares 
I’ve seen a wide range of spousal responses when men have been released as bishop. I’ll never forget one woman bearing her testimony and weeping with gratitude that her husband would finally “be home.” Another woman LOVED the status that being the bishop’s wife brought and her testimony at her husband’s release was tinged with disappointment. I think most just roll with it. My own mother rarely complained about my dad being bishop. They had very clearly defined responsibilities BEFORE the calling (my mom was homemaker, my dad was breadwinner). In many respects, nothing changed much for her. Tussling with several children on her own during church was probably the only thing that bugged her a bit but her older children (one of which was me) often helped her deal with the younger. As for me, (aging from 14 to 19), I remember that as the period of life when I re alized how absent my father was. I felt some teenage angsty resentment. That changed when my father was released while I was on my mission. After his release, I received the only truly open, self-disclosing letter I ever received from him. He wrote candidly about his time in that calling and how much he liked (and hated) it. It gave me a new perspective on him and the calling.
I suggest every woman let it be known she is a loose cannon in order to protect her husband and family from the trials experienced by Bishops and their families. My husband was first called onto a bishopric the first week we married and has had five stints over the years, then seven years as ward mission leader and stake mission president at the same time, all whilst our kids were non sleepers and I was without any support. It wrecked our family, of course, and if I had my time again I would not support him. Since that time our family has struggled with long term health difficulties that have made further service unlikely, and we have never had space to develop a culture of simply enjoying life or being around each other. We’ve had to work very hard on saving our marriage, but our children are unimpressed with all that church has to offer and have voted with their feet. Don’t think that turned out too well for us. And our parents, understandably in retrospect, disinherited us for being unavailable to them.
Most bishop’s wives don’t want to talk about it in my experience, they are just busy walking on hot coals.
We’ve seen many dear friends marriages end, and this incidentally holds true for both RS presidents and early morning seminary teachers.
Hindsight is always 20:20 but it really just doesn’t add up to what makes for happy, connected family and marital life.
I have tried to write a thoughtful reply three times now. My anger takes over and I end up deleting my comments.
It suddenly occurred to me that my anger and rage over how women are treated is my reply.
Wives are not asked to give permission when their husbands are called. They have no say. No input. They simply have to deal with the impact as that bomb blows up in their lives and act like they are grateful.
I’ve always joked if you see the bishops wife called to nursery you know you got a trouble maker on your hands.
My dad was only a bishop when he was an empty nester.
We don’t see that much now.
Years ago, my now-deceased grandmother visited my ward, and expressed her shock and disapproval at seeing the bishop’s wife serving in the young women’s presidency. As a longtime bishop’s wife herself, she firmly believed that it was a calling in itself and that she shouldn’t have any other callings at the same time. Sounds like good advice still.
” How can we help “Sister Bishop” with her unacknowledged calling? ” you ask? Acknowledge it. Make it a calling along with her husband. Give her the title, authority, blessings of setting apart. Establish a new phone # for church business. Encourage the Bishop to get out of the counseling business – refer members to licensed therapists. Establish and honor boundaries.
@Damascene, husbands and wives don’t give “permission”, they offer their support. The decision to serve is ultimately a personal one, though a loving spouse will take their other half’s feelings and concerns into consideration before making a decision.
My wife has been asked if she would support me in all of my assignments as far back as I can remember. Similarly, I have been asked if I would support her in each of her assignments. Most notably, when my wife was the relief society president, the stake presidency member asked her several times if she was certain it would be ok to ask me to serve in the bishopric.
But although it may be practiced in some cases, and may even be a regular practice or local policy for some leaders,, it’s not currently a church policy to ask for the spouse’s support:
“The leader may invite the spouse of a married person to be present and give support when the calling is extended.” (HB 2)
When my daughters were young I was councilor to a Bishop whose children were a similar age. We decided it only required one person to conduct sacrament meeting, so we sat with our families 2 months out of 3. Visiting high councilmen occasionally questioned the practice, but we pointed out that the handbook didn’t specify it.
I have since suggested it to other bishoprics in similar situations but not taken up.
My daughters would regularly count how many suits it took to conduct a meeting.
I looked at the handbook a few years ago and thought we could have included the RS presidency in our rotation, and only conducted every 6 months. High councilors would probably not cope with that.
As said above if they wanted to bishops could spend much less time away from their wives and children. The ones I’ve spoken too don’t seem to want to.
I’ve had about two dozen bishops in my life. I don’t know a single one that hasn’t said it was simultaneously the most challenging thing and most rewarding thing they have done. None of them went through a separation with their spouse either. I suspect bishops face a lower divorce rate than the general membership, but I don’t have anything close to reliable data on that.
“I think the role, or better said “calling” of a bishop’s wife is highly undervalued.”
Just like most jobs that belong primarily to women.
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There was a bishopric in my youth whom I particularly idolized. It turns out that the bishop and both counselors are now, years later, all divorced. The divorces may have nothing to do with the callings, and it would be a mistake to generalize this be 100% divorce rate to all bishoprics. But it is also a mistake to ignore or underestimate the potential stress in the family that these callings cause.
There are some good ideas above on things that can be done. Some more ideas would be to call women be as bishops (increasing the available talent pool), be more flexible with the length of time a bishop serves, or make it a paid position (so that the bishop and his wife can hopefully reduce there working hours or money stress). Honestly, I don’t know if these will help, but it’s worth thinking about. None of those necessarily address the emotional cost born by the bishop and spouse.
I’ve been Bishop for 4.5 years (but who’s counting) and in the bishopric for 6 years prior to that. Many people say they don’t remember me not sitting on the rostrum.
Every year my wife and I go on a 4 day getaway just the two of us. On the way home from the first one after becoming bishop she cried for 2 hours straight because she didn’t want me to go back to bishop. We’ve both become stronger more independent people which is good in some ways but in other ways not particularly healthy for married couples.
It’s impacted my kids more than my wife. 3/4 of my children are walking away from the church because they see no upside.
My suggestion for easing the pain of bishops wives is to give them a calling as bishops assistant or something to acknowledge her time and pain. Also fire any area authorities or stake presidents who create new programs every time SLC simplifies one or eliminates one. Eliminate tithing settlement. Allow women as clerks and executive secretary and they’d do a better job than many men, thereby allowing bishops to be w family more. Call a separate transient bishop instead of doubling up on the senior bishop. Give high councilors the tasks that agent bishops currently perform again instead of rotating it.
Toad, Is there a reason not to quit as bishop for what it is doing/has done to your family? I have a friend who was in a bishopric, high council, or stake presidency for 20 years running while his children were young and teenagers. His now ex-wife and several of his children have left the church. The church was certainly not family-centered or family-supportive in that case.
On the other hand, I recall hearing from a BYU ward bishop years ago who still had 11 children at home when called, that the GA ordaining him (yes, that long ago) instructed him that he could be a bishop on Sundays and one other night per week and, if he could not get it done in that time, he was not to do it because he belonged at home. Maybe that approach needs to be taken more often.
I was just asked to join the bishopric in my ward. On the one hand it’s a flattering vote of confidence—ward and stake leaders think I’m capable of managing it.
On the other hand, I already work nights so I don’t get to see my wife and kids much. Plus my work gives me legal protection for confidentiality, and it’s with people who are otherwise strangers. If I join the bishopric, I don’t know what legal protection I would have. Plus I would be working with my own community, blurring boundaries. And I don’t want to have to keep secrets about friends and neighbors.
One thing that I appreciated was that the SP’s counselor made sure my wife was with me, and he asked for her thoughts when he offered the calling. He recognized that this affects her, and he tried to make room for us to work with that reality. I wish more leaders stopped and thought about how callings have ripple effects that touch the whole family.
I would change a number of things about the role and responsibilities of a bishop (as I have written elsewhere), but the first change I would make is to make the calling a joint calling–husband and wife–formally, sustained, and set apart in that way. And almost always 10-20 years older than current practice.
If I were to think it through carefully I’d probably come up with aspects of current practice that wouldn’t work as well with a couple sitting as “bishop.” I would change those aspects of current practice.
I’ve never been a bishop or counselor. My current calling is as Executive Secretary, which I also had once before. Let me tell you, if you have to be in a bishopric, that’s the way to do it!
I think I’m pretty safe from ever being called as a bishop. My leaders know, like and respect me, but I’m just not the bishop type and I think they probably realize that.
If they ever tried to call me as a bishop, I would first point out that my wife holds the keys as to my wearing my beard. Since she’s the one who has to find me attractive, her authority in this matter exceeds even that of President Nelson himself. If that didn’t dissuade them, I would say beyond the law of chastity question I will never discuss sex or masturbation with a teenager. If that didn’t dissuade them, I’d keep going with stuff like that until they threw up their hands and gave up.
My husband has been in bishoprics, but never the bishop. Both times when he was called, though, they called us in and asked me specifically if I had any concerns if he were to serve. He serves at the prison branch now, and I was told when they called him that if EVER I felt his service was detrimental to our marriage or family, I just have to say the word and they will release him.
We had a Bishop that was retiring out of the military. His wife and family (my BFF) left the state 3 months before him to get settled, get kids in school etc. He stayed in our guest room. We had a separate phone line in there, so we gave that out to the ward. But many members knew he was staying here. They would call while he was at work
and get the voicemail. I would hear it ring, 30 secs later my phone would ring and it was someone asking “where is the Bishop?”. How would I know? I am not his mom, his wife or his secretary, Im just the landlord, lol. I would ask, “Did you leave a message? ” “Well, no…” i gained a healthy respect for a bishop’s wife then. People often have a crazy idea of what constututes an emergency. They would press me for his cell number to call him at work. Crazy.
But what if I was his wife? “Wheres the Bishop?” “None of your business!” And THATS why I will never be a Bishop’s wife, lol.
Interesting and informative post. My heart goes out to the Bishops wife . My mother was a ministers wife for over 40 years. In her later years she would say she was never called to this role but she was an excellent pastors wife. In her Ministers Wife Handbook , the duties and responsibilities are very clear. 1. The success or failure of the pastor rests entirely on the pastors wife. Her attitude and spiritual life reflects on him within the congregation. If the pastor is happy in his home his attitude will inspire his congregation. 2. The parsonage will be kept spotless and open day and night to the members of the church and all visiting and traveling ministers and their families.3. The pastors wife will not make personal friends within the congregation. There should be no favoritism in your interactions with the members of your church. You are there to listen and support . Do not share your personal life. 4. It is your duty to raise your children with the proper behavior and attitude that reflects well on the pastor and is a model for the members to follow. It goes on but you get it. My mother was the queen of stoic. Only once did I see her openly cry . We moved from a very nice parsonage and a good salary to a small town on the river in Kentucky. We arrived late in the evening. The church was very poor and did not have a parsonage. A local tobacco farmer rented the church one of his cabins that his farm hands lived in. It was surrounded by tobacco fields. Tobacco stains ran down the walls. It was filthy . My mother sat on the step and cried. . We didn’t unload the truck until we had scrubbed that place as clean as we could get it. We moved many times after that but that was a defining moment in my parents relationship and my mothers attitude towards her role as a pastors wife. It doesn’t matter what church or faith you belong to we should always reach out in support and compassion for the wife of the bishop or pastor . Her role is a tough one.
Dr Cocoa – It depends on where you live. Every calling I have been extended at the ward level over the last 20 years (all in the same stake, but two different wards), they have talked to my husband first. It drives me bonkers! If he objected, they wouldn’t even talk to me.
In contrast, they have either talked to us both together about his callings, asked me to wait outside while they talked to him and then brought me in after he accepted or said he needed to talk with me (once, the bishopbric member actually left the room so we could talk), or I found out once we get a chance to talk after church. On one occasion (and never since), I found out when I was being asked to sustain him in Sacrament Meeting.
On the bright side, I got my current calling two years ago. Friends who have gotten callings since then have told me that their husbands were not consulted first. Progress!
@Just Me,
Yes, our experiences will certainly vary from stake to stake and ward to ward. I’m sorry you’ve had poor experiences in your current stake.
On the bright side, I’ve lived in five States in the last eight years, and my wife has had heavy leadership callings in all but our most recent (we’re at long last lucky enough to be primary teachers together). I’ve never been asked “permission” for even one of her many callings (by my count, she’s had at least 13 in that time frame, typically with more than one at a time…don’t ever learn to play the organ); but I have been asked to support her after she was asked to serve.
Certainly some wards or stakes are run by backward-thinking individuals, but in my personal experience, this does not seem to be the norm.