It’s always Diet Coke o’clock.

Noticing how tired I was one morning for my workout, my personal trainer asked if I drink coffee or tea which he was recommending so I wouldn’t be so tired in the morning [1].  I said no, but I drink Diet Coke.  He looked at me like I had just admitted to smoking heroin.  I put a note up about this exchange, and instantly got a barrage of comments about why Diet Coke is going to kill you:  sodium (not so, it’s only 2% of your daily allowance), sugar (obviously, there’s no sugar in Diet Coke), obesity (!), and lastly aspartame and other artificial sweeteners being poisons your body can’t digest.  It’s official; reviling Diet Coke is the new fad.

Before Diet Coke, it was Gluten-free [2] and many restaurants still have a menu identifying what is Gluten-free.  If you want to skip out on Gluten, hey, knock yourself out.  But Diet Coke as the great evil?  My doctor disagrees.  As does my friend who is a biology professor.  I’m not saying it’s health food, but still.

A few years ago, I was talking to one of the executive assistants at work.  She said, “I don’t know how you stay so thin, drinking Diet Coke as you do.”  I said, “Uhm, you know it has no calories, right?”  So prevalent is the wives’ tale that aspartame will cause you to binge eat sweets that she assumed anyone drinking it would be found face down incoherent in a box of Krispy Kremes in the break room.

I think the white powder is aspartame.

Therefore, I present this list of 10 things that will kill you faster than Diet Coke.  Crack one open and enjoy.

  1. Regular Coke
  2. Funeral potatoes
  3. Suicide, obviously
  4. Sporting a muffin top
  5. Smoking heroin
  6. Reading this list
  7. Family reunions
  8. Working out with a personal trainer
  9. Old age
  10. Trying to take away my Diet Coke

Anything you would add to the list, or shall we get into a crazypants discussion about the evils of aspartame and other artificial sweeteners?


[1] The end of my kids’ school year and particularly Early Morning Seminary is the best cure.

[2] Except for those diagnosed with Celiac’s disease, yada yada yada.