I have shared before that I’m skeptical about things like callings. I am not sure that my life has a monolithic purpose that’s getting me out of bed every single day. But I know I have certain affinities (cats, Star Trek) and certain instincts (eating all the carbs because winter is coming, suddenly and inconveniently remembering that one time twenty years ago I said that awkward thing and they all probably still hate me).
I was in a board meeting at my (public!) college a couple months ago, and one of the board members read from Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” He said that whether we believe in a Higher Power or not, these are the principles that ought to be guiding us as leaders in education. This is the “how” and the “why” of what we do. I don’t think he’s wrong.
Although I have long since given up the habit of daily scripture study, the Standard Works, at this point, are hardwired. So as I was in the meeting, I began thinking about those corollaries to the fruit of the Spirit, the gifts of the Spirit in 1Corinthians 12 and D&C 46. Often, when Joseph Smith produces scripture (however you believe that process worked), and he’s working from or with a Biblical source text, the end result doesn’t add much to the source. There are even places in LDS scripture that, in my view, weaken, flatten, muddy, or otherwise lessen the Biblical message. Having said that, I find D&C 46 to be thought-provoking exegesis and expansion on the New Testament text. There’s a lot there to chew on.
At one point in the section, the discussion turns to bishops:
27 And unto the bishop of the church, and unto such as God shall appoint and ordain to watch over the church and to be elders unto the church, are to have it given unto them to discern all those gifts lest there shall be any among you professing and yet be not of God.
This is grandiose stuff. I happen to know there are many former and even some current bishops in our reading and commenting audience, as well as many, many elders. I’d love to know if you felt like any of this happened for you. Were you able to discern others’ gifts? And could you tell when people’s professions or expressions of their gifts were less than godly? (Despite what you may be tempted to read into my tone, the questions are sincere.)
What I’m most interested in though, in verse 27, is a phrase that doesn’t get called out explicitly as a gift at all: “watch over.”
While scripture doesn’t name this a gift, I think that, done right, it really is. This isn’t surveilling or policing we are talking about. Big Brother is a perversion of the gift or instinct I’m trying to wrap my head around in this post.
I am, though, and have been since before I can remember, a big sister. I have always felt an instinct to watch out for and watch over others—not to make sure they’re staying in line (although sometimes it’s that), but to make sure they know that they are seen.
In my current professional role, I supervise nearly two hundred people, who in turn teach or work with thousands of students each semester. The work they do is a privilege, but it’s also the kind of work that will take everything you give it and demand more. The instinct to watch over my people, to pay attention, to let them know that I see them, that I’m here to lean on when they need me, is strong.
In other words, I think I have a pastoral instinct.
What about you? Have you got a pastoral instinct? How does it manifest itself?
How do you feel about the fruits and gifts of the Spirit? Do you think you have to be a religious or even a spiritual person to appreciate and cultivate them? (Aside: Many of the folks I work with are avowed atheists who nonetheless acknowledge a spiritual [their word] dimension to our work.)
How do you honor your own gifts?
Discuss.
I’m not an expert on “pastoral instinct” but like many of you I make judgements about fellow members. It’s easy to imagine some of them as pastors and not so easy to imagine others in that role. And guess what common denominator the members who would make good pastors (in my judgement) have? They are mostly all women.
I won’t expand on the implications of that other than saying that I think the Church misses a huge opportunity when it restricts the priesthood to just 50% of the membership.
In my time in the church I’ve seen many different “leadership” styles. There’s the manager who tends to tell people what to do. There’s the Australian Shepherd that runs around constantly, keeping his flock heading in one direction. There’s the lead by example who walks out front, trusting people to follow and not noticing those who wander off in their own direction. The leaders I loved the most were the lead and love from among types who worked with others and trusted them to make their own decisions and would call back those who had gone too far afield.
My own leadership style is hard to describe. I seek consensus when possible. I never ask anyone to do anything I’m not willing to do. When things are happening I’m a gap-filler. I support and guide and step in to pick up any slack or cover any weak spots.
I get protective of my people. In my current position I don’t have any specific leadership assignments. There are three student workers who ask me for help when needed and I’m happy to help at any time. I listen to my coworkers and when they mention something that’s an issue I have no problem bringing it up with our supervisor. I worry about each person I work with and check on them when I don’t see them for a couple days. Even the one who (unintentionally) triggers past trauma. I show I care by how I interact with them and support what they’re doing.
So maybe I do have something of a pastoral instinct. It might be how I grew up. It might be genetic. On one side my great-grandfather and my grandfather both worked professionally as shepherds/cowboys. On the other side my grandfather worked as a shepherd before his career as a dairy rancher. It isn’t a talent or instinct I’ve actively cultivated. I view it more as an extension of my desire to be a good human and to treat those around me with respect.
I’ve met quite a few LDS people with pastoral instincts. I haven’t seen one called to a leadership position in quite a while.
I think one of the main things obstructing pastoral care is the fact that bishops are called “Judges in Israel.” That is a legal metaphor, not a metaphor primarily concerned with health, growth, or human flourishing.
I’ve known and experienced plenty of bishops who were genuinely pastoral, so I don’t think this is simply a criticism of individual leaders. My concern is more structural. We’ve inherited a model of Christianity shaped by centuries of legalism and institutional boundary maintenance. The Church is designed, in significant ways, to surveil, regulate, adjudicate, and police boundaries. Even when the rhetoric changes, the underlying architecture is still there.
That’s why I think the “Warrior” metaphor remains more deeply embedded in the institution than the “Gardener.” A warrior asks, “Who is inside the lines, who is outside them, and what threatens the community?” A gardener asks, “What is growing here, what is struggling, and what conditions would help it flourish?” Those are very different approaches to pastoral care.
And as for leaders, or myself, somehow receiving an increased ability to discern other people’s gifts through the office or calling, I more or less call bubkis on that. If there is an increase in our ability to recognize someone’s gifts, I suspect it has much less to do with receiving some special heavenly faculty and much more to do with simply paying attention.
Perhaps the real “power” that comes with leadership is that you finally have a reason to notice what you previously overlooked.
What Josh h and anon said.
What little training bishops get must revolve around the whole “judges in Israel” extravaganza because they say it and act like it a fair bit.
Hi Everyone,
josh h, I have long maintained that one of my sisters would make the best LDS bishop there ever was. I have known some good men in the role too. But they almost always reported after the fact that they were hassled because they would -not- take the “judge in Israel” approach.
Adam L, I had to give a presentation about my “leadership style” at a “leadership retreat” (the scare quotes are because I throw up in my mouth a little each time I have to use the terms). I don’t have a leaderships style, except that I want my people to feel psychologically safe, valued, and supported. Otherwise, let’s just all do the work. And it sounds to me like you definitely have the pastoral instinct. 🙂
Anon, yeah. It does seem like the good ones are few and far between and mostly twenty plus years ago. I’ve been lucky. The last three bishops I’ve had have been good ones. One of them was very young and started out “judge in Israel” and ended pretty far from there. In a good way. I think the role was hard on him. The second was also a young man, but he was cool from the start. His favorite phrase was “That’s something worth getting released for–let’s do it!” My current bishop also has the pastoral instinct. We don’t see eye to eye politically or culturally on most things, but on many of the things that matter, we’re in lockstep. That’s refreshing to me. It shouldn’t be. I should qualify by saying there’s been, at least in my corner of the Mormon world, some real souring on Trump. He’s hurt too many people and communities we serve. And yeah, they should have seen that coming. But at least they’re seeing it now.
Todd S, what a great (as always) comment! I agree, we’ve leaned hard into the legal metaphors. I do think part of pastoral care (or gardening!) is understanding and even maintaining boundaries sometimes, but the question is motivation. Why am I concerned with the boundary and who crosses it? There are many “good” answers to that question, but also many, many wrong and bad ones. To another beautiful point you made: While I definitely think inherent ability or proclivity is a thing, sometimes I think that all gifts are about being placed in the right circumstances to pay enough attention.
Chadwick, I haven’t chatted recently with any current bishops about the training they’ve had, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if you were right. Which is depressing.
My oldest recently came out as transgender. She did so just before (hours before) school started for the year, because she wanted to start the year that way, but hadn’t quite been ready earlier in the summer. We notified her teachers so they wouldn’t be surprised by it and could use her chosen name.
A few days later, a school administrator reached out and asked to meet with us and our daughter to discuss the situation and make sure the school was supporting us and our daughter. Coincidentally, we learned that the person we were to meet with is a bishop of a local ward. We’re deep in the jello belt, and while our daughter has plenty of supportive friends at school, she was worried about the administration.
The meeting went remarkably well. The administrator assured us and her that teachers and staff would use her preferred name and pronouns. At the end of the meeting, he told her to come see him if she had any trouble with fellow students, and that he would stand by her, and would stand in front of her if he had to.
I’ve been out of the church for years. I won’t go as far as to say ‘if he had been my bishop maybe things would be different…” But I will say that if he runs the ward like he runs that meeting then I think he’s in the right calling.
The church sees itself as policing sin, and even the way they portray the atonement is about crime and punishment. Nothing in the church much at all is about love. It strikes me that without love, as in Jesus’s love for us, there would be no atonement. How can a person ever feel at one with another if they are afraid of being punished? But they talk about it as if God is this angry father, strike that—schoolmaster out to catch us in wrong doing just so he can kick us out of his school. Kind of like the grouchy janitor guy, Mr Filch in Harry Potter. The analogies they use of a boy taking another boy’s whipping are all cruel and …well, kind of what I would expect out of the kind of men who have led our church since about the time of David O McKay. Where in all of that is any love, like a mother would have for her child. So, no wonder too many bishops leadership style is legalistic, our prophet is a lawyer.
If our top leaders saw themselves as the good shepherd things would be different. When a sheep misbehaves, the shepherd wonder’s “What is wrong in the situation that made this sheep wander off. The shepherd doesn’t beat the sheep, but he looks at *why* the sheep misbehaved. More like a psychologist or sociologist than a cop. Why did this sheep do what it did? Not just looking to punish the sheep. Doesn’t do any good to beat on a sheep unless you want to teach it that you are a cruel and horrible person. No, you find out why it did what it did, then you change the “why.” Was the sheep hungry? Cold? Head butted by other sheep? You find out what is *wrong* in that sheep’s life.
Aww, I think my “leadership style” is showing. I tend my flock by keeping them healthy and happy, so they want to follow me because I take care of them. They follow me because they know I love them. Not because I claim to speak for God or demand they swear obedience in some temple ceremony.
I first thought I would put down about this discussion that I am not a leader, but a healer. My first response to people is not to want them to follow me or do as I do or think like I think. So, not to lead them, but find out where they are trying to go and why and help them on their journey. If a person says they are unhappy, I look at what is causing the person to be unhappy. I don’t tell them a solution, because my solution probably won’t fix their problem. It might have fixed my problem but they are not me. So, I love them, but I don’t try to make them follow me, because they probably are not going where I am going. Imagine meeting a fellow driver at a rest stop, you don’t suggest they follow you, but ask where they are headed, then wish them a safe trip. Why can’t we treat our fellow worshippers that way?
Charles, first of all, to your daughter–how brave of her! And to you and yours, it’s not a small thing to be the kind of people your child feels able to come out to. I hope you all are doing well! I am glad the administrator handled this so well. It’s always so refreshing to encounter decency in the wild.
Anna, the Church lost a great bishop in you. As others have noted, it seems wasteful to restrict certain pastoral roles to only half the membership. And that frame: “What is wrong in the situation that made this sheep wander off?” That is so important! I am not even sure that I fully understand where the defensiveness comes from that keeps leadership from addressing that question. The instinct to discipline and punish seems really, really strong.
“Oh, s#!t, my child just told me they’re trans”
reddit.com r/cisparenttranskid/
gender dysphoria dot fyo
Yikes, I accidentally hit “comment” before I was finished. Let’s try that again.
Charles, I’m happy to hear that your daughter figured herself out, that she trusted you, and that her faith wasn’t in vain. I’d like to share with you a few resources I think will help. If you have some contact with the online trans community you’ve probably already had some or all of them recommended to you, but I’m case you haven’t:
First, the blog Strained Glass Woman has an article titled “Oh, s#!t, my child just told me they’re trans” (the punctuation is part of the title.) I gather you already know some of the information there by now but it’s all very important information, so read it all.
The r/cisparenttranskid/ subreddit is a fantastic resource. If nothing else, you won’t be able to read it and stay dry eyed, at least metaphorically speaking. When I’m looking for hope that there’s good in the world that’s one place I go.
Finally, I’m going to recommend you read The Gender Dysphoria Bible at gender dysphoria dot fyi. It’s usually recommended reading for people who are trans or wondering if they are, but I think it’s a good thing for you to also know what it’s like and what potential forms of gender dysphoria your daughter might experience. Most people are under the impression that gender dysphoria is one thing but it it actually the name for a group of a lot of different things that aren’t that related to each other. (No one experiences all of them, but most people experience some of them, and from experience I can say that not all of them are obviously related to gender so it’s good to be on the lookout for them.)
Former Nonbinary Sunbeam, thank you for those resources! I have a number of people in my life who are trans, and I feel like I could do better by them. Learn more. Be a better ally. Our GSA is working to do more to support too. For the first time since I can remember our president is trans, and it’s helped me to see the distance we (my school) and I (as a human) still have to go.
Margie, in that case I have an additional recommendation for you. Tilly’s Trans Tuesdays are a bunch of entertaining articles written with cis readers in mind on a variety of trans topics. You and the cis members of your GSA could especially benefit from the articles in the Trans 101, Trans Life, and Cis Allyship series, while the trans ones might be interested in the Trans Life and Trans Media series.
I’m sure that you still have a ways to go, but I’d like to celebrate how far you’ve already come! When I was a kid there wasn’t a word for nonbinary and I didn’t really even know anyone else like me even existed until I got to college. Just teaching that trans and nonbinary people exist is a huge deal! But yeah, puberty is a super hard time to be trans so anything that schools can do is very important. (You know, I knew that everyone complained that puberty and adolescence is hard so I really didn’t realize until decades later that mine was actually a lot harder than what everyone else was going through. I just thought at the time that I wasn’t handling it as well as everyone else.)