I try not to use clickbait headlines, but sometimes the more accurate title is too long to make it a title. The real title of this post is: “Not All Child Sexual Abuse is Done by Pedophiles And You Might (Probably) Know Someone Who Sexually Abused a Child But Was Not a Pedophile.”

For this post, I went to the library and photocopied the pages about Pedophilic Disorder from the DSM V because I wasn’t going to do research about pedophiles online. I fed dimes into a copy machine (how quaint!).

My first introduction to the difference between pedophiles and people who sexually abuse children but are NOT pedophiles happened when an extended family member (a boy in his mid teens) molested a younger sibling and the younger sibling’s friend. The victims were 5 or 6. A big extended family gathering was approaching and the father of the offender called everyone who was going to the gathering to talk about bringing along his son. The first guarantee was that his son would stay with the adults the whole time (good). His second comment was that his son had been evaluated by people who work with sex offenders and they had determined that his son was NOT a pedophile. He was doing some sexual exploration and the sibling and friend were available. He was not a predator; it was a crime of opportunity.

Huh, I thought, I’ve never thought of that before. I’d read somewhere that pedophiles usually aren’t caught until they’ve molested dozens or hundreds of children. I’d also read somewhere that the offender who was LEAST likely to reoffend and molest another child was a man who molested a girl child in his own household. Putting that together, I realized that a lot of children could be molested by a family member who was not actually a pedophile.

Let’s be clear: this distinction doesn’t matter to the victims. Those two little kids were sexually molested and they need all the help and support that any sexual abuse victim needs. The fact that the offender wasn’t an actual predator who would go on to molest another dozen children doesn’t change the harm done to those two little kids. Another point to be clear about: the offender in this story went to juvenile jail and had to go through a lot of therapy and be on the sex offender registry. The fact that he wasn’t technically and officially a pedophile didn’t change the consequences of his actions.

The Epstein Files

It turns out there are a lot of rich and powerful people who hung out with a man who was famous for sexually abusing and raping underage girls. This atrocity rightly shocks everyone who hears about it, and every single person involved should be brought to justice. Kudos to the UK who have arrested Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and former ambassador Peter Mendelsohn. We certainly to see a lot of arrests in the USA. Were all of these people pedophiles? It doesn’t matter. If they sexually harmed children, it doesn’t matter if they are pedophiles. The consequences are for their actions, not their inclinations.

Sexual Abuse by Church Members

We’ve discussed the facts and anecdotes that, when a Mormon sexually molests a child, the Church frequently protects the abuser rather than the child. I’ve actually heard people seek to excuse sexual abuse by describing it as a ‘mistake’ or ‘poor judgment’ or a ‘bad choice.’ In reality, it’s a crime and a vile sin. No adult accidentally has a sexual experience with a child. But someone might sexually abuse a child and not be a pedophile.

The Official Definition of Pedophilia

Okay, so from my DSM V photocopies, here is the official definition of pedophilia: “Individuals with pedophilia experience recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies or sexual urges involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children. Unless the individual has acted on these sexual urges with a prepubescent child or unless the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty, a diagnosis of pedophilic disorder is not warranted.”

I bolded the word “prepubescent.” That means a child who has not yet gone through puberty. The interest in sexual arousal while fantasizing about children has to be recurrent and intense. Passing thoughts about a 14-year-old who is wearing a C-cup bra doesn’t make you a pedophile, especially if you just go about your life without ever trying to make a pass at that 14-year-old. Further, even if a man has these types of fantasies, he hasn’t committed a crime unless he acts on them. At that point, he could be diagnosed with Pedophilic Disorder.

See the difference? Someone with pedophilia may not ever touch a child or even own child sexual abuse materials (CSAM, formerly called child pornography). He’s technically a pedophile but he hasn’t ever harmed a child.

Again from my copies, here’s the Diagnotistic Criteria for Pedophilic Disorder. You have to have both of these to be diagnosed with Pedophilic Disorder:

A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children.

B. The individual has acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

Why Does This Matter?

Why does this matter? Because society is focusing its attention on pedophiles and ignoring many people who sexually abuse children. We all hate pedophiles, right? Calling someone a ‘pedo’ is now an insult I hear pretty often, even when it’s obvious that sexual abuse of children isn’t going on. We can hate pedophiles and that means we are good people!

Well.

I’m one of those people who was sexually molested by someone who wasn’t a pedophile. My father molested me one time. Only one time. My sisters say he never touched them. No other children have ever come forward to accuse my father. It’s just me.

Another example of a non-pedophilic child sexual abuse is discipline. When I was a little kid, we knew that certain kids in our friend group were going to get sexually abused if they disobeyed their mom. This was in the 70s, before all the education about telling a trusted adult. We knew that part of our friend group was going to get their worm pinched, or a finger shoved up their wormhole, if their mom got mad at them.

Humiliating kids can include sexual abuse. One girl who got arrested for something drug-related when she was fourteen was forced to strip naked as part of being processed into juvie. There was no reason to insist she strip naked. The people in authority did it to humiliate the kids who were arrested.

When I was processing my experiences with a therapist, he said that another non-pedophilic motive for sexually abusing a child is to comfort them. An adult may believe that sexually massaging a child will help calm them down.

A person who is not a pedophile and who is not sexually attracted to children can absolutely commit child sexual abuse. We can better prevent child sexual abuse by focusing on the actions of child sexual abuse rather than thinking that hating pedophiles is all we have to do. Child sexual abuse is an action, not a type of person. People who are not pedophiles can commit it, because it’s an abuse of power, and all adults and many other children have power over all children.

Back to the Epstein Files

There are likely a lot of people in the Epstein files who are not diagnosable pedophiles. But the girls were there and Epstein’s buddies hurt those girls for sex. That’s child sex abuse. Even if the offender never sought out a child for sex in any other place and so is not a pedophile, the offender sexually abused a child.

Some of the girls were prepubescent and some were in their mid-teens and so had gone through puberty. Using those girls for sex, regardless of their age, was a crime, a sin, and sexual abuse. Even if a man on Epstein Island wanted a fifteen-year-old girl instead of a nine-year-old girl, and so wasn’t actually having sex with a prepubescent child, he still raped a girl.

The Pedos People That We Know

Whether or not we know a genuine pedophile, we likely know someone who sexually abused a child. I have a son who has poor impulse control and lacks some social skills. I have had very direct and explicit talks with this son (all my kids actually) in age appropriate language, and more than once. I explained where he should never touch anyone. I explained what’s funny and what isn’t (to prevent mooning someone as a joke). And so on. And I included where he shouldn’t let anyone touch him, and what to do if they tried.

When a neighbor asked if this son would mind staying with her little girl while she ran to the store, I politely turned down the request without saying anything weird. My son has never expressed a sexual interest in children (or sexual interest in anyone; perhaps he’s asexual like me), but I just thought we should avoid a possible issue if the little girl took her diaper off or demanded a bath or whatever else might happen.

Conclusion

I worry that the burning hatred directed at pedophiles distracts from the real danger of sexual abuse by non-pedophiles. We should work to protect children. That includes talking to children about their bodies, about what people shouldn’t do to them, and what they shouldn’t do to other people. It means if a child says, “Uncle Buster touched me,” we don’t immediately discount them because Uncle Buster is a great guy and couldn’t possibly be a pedophile. Maybe Uncle Buster isn’t a pedophile, but that doesn’t mean your child is lying. It means you need to let your child say what he/she needs to say.

Questions:

  1. Did you learn anything? Was any of this helpful?
  2. Over the course of my lifetime, the dialogue around child sexual abuse has changed a lot. What changes have you noticed in how child sexual abuse is handled throughout your life?
  3. Do you think the current dialogue about pedophiles and sexual abuse is helpful?