Winner: Mr Mac

Mr Mac, the preeminent purveyor of fine apparel for the discerning missionary in the jello belt, won a reprieve of a reduced mission. If missions had been truncated to 18 months, that would have been a 1/4 reduction in wear and tear on clothes, and the similar downturn on sales.

Loser: Starbucks

Starbucks, in anticipation of the the loosening of the tea and coffee restriction in the Word of Wisdom, was ready to deal with the onslaught of Mormons seeking their caffeine fix in a coup of Joe. In the Utah, Idaho and Gilbert AZ area, they had hired extra workers, and even assigned a worker to help those in line figure the differences between a cappuccino and an espresso. Starbucks stock was trending lower in after hours trading Sunday afternoon. Which directly leads us to our next winner….

Winner: Sodalicious

With no changes to the Word of Wisdom, Mormons will continue to get their caffeine fix from soda. This again leads us to another winner…

Winner: Intermountain Healthcare

Turns out soda is bad for your health, even the sugar-free type.

Loser: Victoria’s Secret

No explanation necessary

Winner: GNC Vitamins

No big changes happened this conference (the de-POX was pre-conference) so Mormons need to stay healthy for at least another six months!

So what are your winners and losers from this conference?