I once was hiking and got asked what I thought my daughters needed to know. My list was unusual (I think everyone could use a working knowledge of heroquests for example) but the graphic comes from a serious discussion on core things everyone’s daughter needs to know and isn’t going to be told.
- How to say no!
- How to set boundaries.
- How to find value in yourself without regard to outside culture.
- How to handle crucial conversations.
There has been a lot of discussion about what should replace Boy Scouts. About twenty years ago the Church started exploring looking for replacements. The biggest problem was that the people who were assigned were all heavily into Scouts and had a mental block – all they produced were clones of the Boy Scouts, only not quite as good.
There has been a good deal of consideration since, and with the Church leaving Scouts, programs continue to shift. But what about programs in Church for girls? What should we be teaching in today’s world? Obviously we don’t need to teach how to tan leather at home, or similar things, but just what should we teach?
The graphic (used by permission from the author, from a private discussion) is a start. But what else would you teach? How?
I’d love our reader’s suggestions.
What are core things our daughters need to learn that are not being taught?
Wheat & Tares 
How to dare stand alone in this world without be shaken
How to choose what is good for you and you alone. To follow you passion, dreams, talents to wherever it may take you
How to live a full life before marriage and children, with lots of new experiences, travel and adventure.
How to never compromise in your choice of partner.
How to find the truth that works for you and honor it
How to be full of (self)compassion
How to authenticaly you
Let’s never forget we are raising women that will one day be celestial females with imeasurable power and glory. They have to learn what is strength, power and authority here on earth, otherwise they will not understand their eternal destiny in the worlds to come.
I see a real problem in YW.
As the focus has gotten away from homemaking skills, I have not seen those skills replaced with anything else. Too many YW end up with an endless list of craft activities, journal writings and scripture activities and no life skills.
There are outlier wards and stakes that do a better job, but too many of the YW are coming out of the organization with no skill set. They don’t have homemaking skills and they don’t have employment skills. They have learned how to assemble crafts and how to shop.They have assembled a pie but not made their own crust. They have sewn pre-cut pajama pants, not do not know how to use a pattern. They don’t know how to put together a budget, how to write a resume nor how to dress for an interview.
They have been taught to be modest in their clothes and their words but did not learn how to speak up and make a stance.
They have been taught to stay active in church, to marry an Eagle Scout/Return Missionary and to focus on being a wife and a mother.
If Wife and Mother is the goal, then a solid set of homemaking skills needs to be taught. Budgeting. Baby care. Early childhood development. Relationship dynamics.
If career is the goal, then resume writing, interview skills, corporate clothing, negotiation skills.
YW should be teaching the skills sets for wife, mother and career. The hard fact is that too many of our YW leave the organization with little to show for the 6 years of time spent..
Why? Honestly, I think YW leaders are too often chosen by men for their pliable personalities, married/ SAHM status and fashion sense.
The simple change of allowing women to choose the YW presidency could make a significant difference. In a church that puts such emphasis on the differing roles of gender, it seems quite audacious to me that men choose the leadership for YW.
I think first of all, what we teach our boys should also be taught to our girls. If you compare lessons, the girls lesson is all passive like the girls should let life happen to them instead of taking control and running her own life, while the boys lessons are active, participant, leadership teaching. The girls need to be taught to be active participants in their own lives.
Most of these ideas should be for both genders.
How to spot a jerk before you are alone with him/her, married to him/her! Or so heavily involved that you think all the problems are your own fault. So, spot both the kind of man who forces sex on an unwilling participant, and a man who is controlling , pathologically jealous, emotionally abusive or physically abusive. While what to look for in an abusive man is slightly different than an abusive woman there is some overlap. How to recognize all the red flags of an abuser, both male or female.
That it is much better to have a good marriage than a temple marriage. Lack of a temple marriage can be fixed after death fairly simply. Lack of a good marriage has to have the sealing undone and find a new partner all before you can have the temple marriage.
How to have a good marriage. Communication skills, shared values even if there is not shared religion, being more judgmental and picky before marriage and less after.
The same career advice we give boys. We still tend to treat femal careers as back up “in case”. But women may need a career for your their sanity as well as if something were to happen to her man.
Life skills such as balancing a budget, saving for emergencies and retirement., changing a flat tire and other car maintenance, household basic repairs.
Basic banking and finance
Those things? Come on, we really should be teaching them not to show their shoulders, they should not focus on careers, they should pop out as many kids as possible, that it is wrong even to put too much space between kids, that infertility may be a sign that something is wrong in their lives, that they can easily be walking pornography, that if they’ve had sex before marriage they are liked chewed-up gum, and that if they get raped at BYU that they were probably partly responsible for the rape and deserve to be expelled.
Great post!
How about teaching young people about using technology and social media wisely? How to protect against scams, creeps, etc and how to /importance of keeping personal data private? How not to link your personal worth to the number of Facebook followers or “like” votes?
When my daughter was 16 or 17, her Laurel class was asked at the beginning of the school year to put together a list of potential activities for the next few months. My daughter rarely went to activities during the week because of her commitment to her high school volleyball team and other extracurricular activities, so the leaders expressed a desire to discover what she would be interested in doing–obviously hoping to entice her to come more often.
In response, she made five suggestions: a career night; an education/college prep night (for which she volunteered me since I am a university professor…and I was more than happy to oblige); a sports night (paintball, capture the flag); a DIY night (car repair, home repair) for girls who would soon be in college or living on their own; and a movie night…just for fun.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the leaders never scheduled any of these. Instead, they did things like a modest fashion show, service projects, babysitting, and other stereotypical YW activities. Needless to say, my daughter did not make much of an effort to go.
There is nothing inherently wrong with these predictable YW activities, but it is important to do things that are fun, educational, and reflective of the YW’s interests and the reality of the world in which they live and will live. Unfortunately, the inertia of tradition militates against that far too often.
I want to add, my millennial sons took cooking classes in high school. Most life skills can/should be taught at home by parents who teach and then require young people to take on more responsibility so they are prepared to leave home.
I viewed my responsibility as a parent to prepare my children to live out in the world without needing to rely on my daily care.
“In response, she made five suggestions: a career night; an education/college prep night (for which she volunteered me since I am a university professor…and I was more than happy to oblige); a sports night (paintball, capture the flag); a DIY night (car repair, home repair) for girls who would soon be in college or living on their own; and a movie night…just for fun.”
Excellent suggestions!
Very good topic Stephen and equally good suggestions. I remember one time as a YM leader one of the YW leaders said they needed someone to come and teach how to sew on a button. I think she was asking if I could ask my wife and she was surprised that I did all of my sewing and actually liked doing so. In this one case it was a combined YW/YM activity so all the youth were being taught some of the same simple life skills – which is is how it should be.
As far as the original list, I did find it interesting the one item about only having the number of kids that you alone can handle. I think I get where that is coming from, but something just makes me feel that may be going too far. I tried reversing it and made the statement, “Men – only have as many children that you can handle by yourself.” That still seems a bit limiting. I am not for the “full quiver” movement at all. But this almost sounds like “if you can handle 2 kids and you want another kid and you THINK you can handle it even if your husband dies or leaves you, then don’t. You have to be 100% sure you can handle it before you have another child”. I am probably reading to much into it.
Interesting question, and I think a different one depending on who the “we” you are referring to in the question of what we should be teaching them. I don’t disagree with your list of things girls should be learning, but if the “we” is the Church (as opposed to us individually or some civic organization) I would think it essential to remember that the Church is primarily in the business of saving souls. There are other organizations in the world that will/should/could teach young women these important life skills, but no other organizations that will teach the lessons on the importance of eternal marriage.
These sorts of things are great, but the Church is not a one-stop shop of all things to all people. The more essential part — the eternal part — cannot be left undone. If there is time and/or resources available afterwards, then by all means have at it. And that applies equally to both the young men and the young women.
Thank you to everyone for thoughtful perspectives.
The YW and YM programs should be more or less identical (with some minor tweaks), but I imagine the implementation would vary (because teenaged girls and teenaged boys are in fact different).
I would suggest that activities focus on five areas: spirituality, service, social interaction, education and practical life skills. There should be a form for planning activities where the youth have to justify the activities that they plan to their adult leaders (who guide, facilitate and supervise the activities) based on those criteria. There should be some kind of an achievement award that is more substantial than what the YW have but not as rigorous as Eagle Scout. Annually, there should be some sort of high adventure or some other non-routine activity.
With a unified program, the YM and YW could work towards whatever achievement award there is in both combined activities, and single-gender activities (I think rowdy, awkward, and hormonal teenagers need both).
As the parent of a special needs child, I suggest a topic that I don’t know how to clearly describe. One side of me says, how to formulate and implement a good Plan B, C, or D when life throws you a curve ball, because life will. Or simply an acquaintance with a diverse set of people not as service projects but as people to get to know, value, be friends with, and humbly understand that ‘there, but for the grace of God, go I.’
When I was in YW, we were a part of the planning process. It was one way to develop our leadership skills. I think that’s how the program is supposed to run according to the handbook, but it seems that it is seldom the case nowadays. I’m not sure why it’s fallen off. We selected activities, discussed how we would make them happen, and then planned them out. If we needed someone to come in as an expert, we asked them. When I was a senior in HS, a new family moved to our ward from Utah. It was the first time we had a leader from Utah in YW. She quickly commandeered the whole planning process, and from then on out, it was all crafts and whatever else she wanted to do. I started signing up for Wednesday shifts at work.
I want my daughter to be ready for college, to cook, to handle car issues, to budget and plan her finances, to make good choices about dating, to prepare for a mission, to develop leadership skills.
Both in yw and in our families outside activities, I’ve found that the kids loose interest at about 15. After that they want to socialize and have fun. Their desire to be taught yet another lesson that doesn’t particularly interest them goes down hill. So even while the adult me loves these ideas, my teens would rather just hang out and eat pizza.
Common sense.
Girls (and boys) need to be taught about consent and boundaries, and that consent applies in non-sexual relationships (casual dating) and committed monogamous relationships (marriage). If an awkward-but-polite young man asks you to dance with him, it would be nice to say yes, but you are by no means obligated to say yes.
Young women need to be taught that it’s great to pursue a professional career–not just as an exception or a backup plan, but for personal fulfillment and as a way of consecrating one’s talents toward the betterment of humanity. They also should be taught that it’s OK to delay marriage and children until they feel the time is right, and those decisions are highly personal. And that some women never get married or never have children, and there is nothing wrong with that.
And I echo the sentiment about the need for co-ed outdoor experiences. Pioneer treks do not count–too many anachronisms and historical absurdities, like making the women wear impractical full-length dresses. Scouting doesn’t count either–uniforms, ranks, merit badges and ceremonies are so programmatic that we end up serving the program instead of the youth. Instead, do co-ed high adventure trips and teach practical outdoor skills without all the fluff. These don’t need to be super tough survival experiences, but a multi-day hike or rafting trip would be sufficient. Something about getting outdoors really does a lot to build a young person’s confidence, even if they never pitch another tent in their life.
Boundaries. Making your own decisions about your life, based on your own interests and talents and where you feel the Lord is personally guiding you, as an individual, to be.
None of the cookie cutter women are/ do/ have natural inclinations for this/ that/ the other rubbish.
To that end have them meet with as many role models in as many different roles as possible.
Lots of mixed YM YW activities according to interest. Because we don’t have separate scouting over here, when my son and daughter were in the youth programme there were regular mixed kayaking activities in the warmer months. The then YM president had got himself an instructor certificate and insurance, and was happy to have both the YM and YW along, so that was fantastic for my fiercely competitive daughter.
Having activities restricted by gender isn’t fun, and can be distressing. A couple of anecdotes, one good, one bad.
Back when I was in primary school in the 70s, the girls were assigned embroidery and the boys basketwork for craft lessons, a couple of the boys were in fact permitted to learn embroidery and were really good at it (we made embroidered belts). I don’t recall if any girls opted for basketwork… I also recall as a 7 year old in school wondering if I would ever be good enough in class to be asked if I’d like to play with the meccano once I’d finished my work, as a couple of the boys in my class were frequently allowed to do. I was permitted to read, but I always longed to be asked if I’d like to play with the meccano. I didn’t realise at that age that was likely because I was a girl and meccano was a boys toy… I mean these boys had been in my previous class the year before and I regularly thrashed them at them that mastermind game with pegs in a board, so I knew it wasn’t that they were better than me… I spent a lot of time wondering when I’d be asked, and be very puzzled as to why I wasn’t.
Teenagers read this stuff every day on the internet. I suspect it leads to confusion and apathy. I agree with Angela that the program is good but seems not to be implemented correctly, fully or even partially. Somewhere, someone is executing the program. I salute that person. It was so for YM as well; very few Mormon Scout troops operate as BSA intended, the “boy-led troop”.
The church has always taught, in my lifetime anyway, that women and men need a complete package of life skills; that to focus on just one area is inevitably to neglect something else. A woman ought to be prepared to go it alone but she ought not to PLAN on going it alone. But that’s just my opinion to add to millions of them.
Presumably we were faced with two great choices before each was born: Whether to take the safe road with Lucifer as the leader. There would be no risk and no choices to make; one program, mandatory for everyone (sounds a bit like socialism).
But 2/3 of the spirits accepted the fact of risk, and took the plunge (or will yet do so) to be born of a woman and experience life, which for many or most would not, by today’s Western standards, be a very desirable experience but still preferable to no experience at all.
So lets look at that list:
How to choose childcare that doesn’t suck. Well the best childcare I’ve ever found is that provided by my wife for our children. Next to her is me. I’ve stayed up all night with sick children; taking turns with my wife going round the clock. For a while we both worked and so we tried several childcare arrangements and cannot praise any of them. The institutionalized versions have less risk but also a lot less one-on-one care giving, affection and attention.
How to climb the corporate ladder. Well, that’s done on other people’s backs. It is a competition. In every race there’s one winner and many losers. [https]://despair.com/products/defeat My back has many footprints (figuratively speaking). HRC and AOC provide good role models of how to do this.
How to only have as many children as you, yourself alone, can handle.
Zero is the safe number.
If you have neither church nor kin within 900 miles you might really be alone! But being in a supportive church and having aunts and uncles nearby is considerably less alone and you could think about a number not zero.
How to have a balanced investment portfolio. Say what? Perhaps the author meant diversified portfolio so that not all your eggs are in one basket (figuratively speaking). You won’t win big, but you also won’t lose big.
Budgeting, nourishing oneself, exercising, developing habits that support mental and physical health, how to pursue goals and to hang-in-there when the going gets tough.