Sometimes people in power in states and organizations can make members and citizens do, say, and even believe silly things. The most recent example is Donald Trump declaring that the Gulf of Mexico is no longer the Gulf of Mexico, it is now the Gulf of America. Tech oligarchs are going along with this silliness, which you can verify on Google maps. The AP is resisting and has now been banned from White House official events. It’s good for us to know that Big Journo has a better grip on reality than Big Tech. I’ll bet no one, not a single person in the United States, is going to refer to that big body of water south of Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi as “the Gulf of America” in casual conversation. But most government agencies and Big Tech are on board with the charade. Thus we see the ability of states and organizations to spin and enforce false narratives.

A more nefarious example is the ongoing attempt of Donald Trump and associated political thugs to rewrite the January 6 narrative so that the good guys (law enforcement) are really the bad guys and the bad guys (rioters who broke into the capitol building, beat and injured many police officers and other law enforcement, ransacked and damaged offices, and threatened to kill the Vice President) are really the good guys. Again, I’m not sure that many people really believe the false narrative Trump is pushing, but lots of people pretend to believe it. I wonder how the eventual Trump Presidential Library is going to portray the events of January 6? I think that library is going to be a temple of phony facts and false narratives, about as kooky as the Creation Museum.

I could go on. I’m sure you can come up with your own list of good examples. Let’s move on to the LDS Church. Like any other organization, it spins out false narratives, some of which people/members accept and believe, others that most people/members only pretend to believe.

Here’s one: “Prophets, Seers, and Revelators.” This descriptive title is used fairly often in official discourse to describe LDS apostles, the Big 15 (collectively, the members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve). It is even in the LDS Temple Recommend questions that many LDS members and some of you readers subscribe to once every two years. The Big 15 wisely don’t prophesize anything. The don’t reveal anything. They don’t see anything (in the biblical sense of using a crystal ball or some other spiritual/mystical/religious device or practice to peer into the divine unknown and share it with the rest of us). They don’t prophesy, see, or reveal anything, yet they are (in the eyes of the organization) Prophets, Seers, and Revelators. It often repeated in official discourse and most Mormons believe or pretend to believe it.

Here is a smaller scale example: the Ward List. It has three or four or five or six hundred entries. The system absolutely refuses to permit local units to tag any entry as fully active, partly active, mostly inactive, or completely 100% inactive. There are names on the Ward List of people who moved to a different state or country years ago. There are names on the Ward List who in no sense still consider themselves LDS. There are probably dead people on your Ward List.

It is almost impossible to “clean up” the Ward List. You can “forward the record” of a few names to another LDS unit, which might be where they now reside and the name stays there, or they might say “Nope, never heard of him/her,” and send it back. From time to time central headquarters (some department in the COB, what a great job) sends a few or a few dozen names/records to the ward, which then pop up on the official Ward List. It is simply impossible to make the official Ward List correspond to “people actually living in our ward boundaries who, in any way, consider themselves LDS.” It’s like Sisyphus pushing that rock up a hill. You can never “clean up” the Ward List.

Strange system, you might say. The official Ward List provides a wildly inflated sense of how many people there are in a given LDS ward, which is of course one of the purposes of the LDS Ward List False Narrative. It encourages local leaders from time to time to do a “let’s get these people active” initiative where a few unwilling volunteers (the Ward Council plus a few) make phone calls and go knock on doors in the vain hope that one or two families might “come back to church.” Yes, from time to time inactive families or individuals do “come back to church,” but honestly I know of not a single example where “coming back to church” resulted from a local effort to contact and invite these phantom names on the Ward List to “come back to church.” Really, these local efforts are just an effort to “clean up the ward list” so activity stats look a little better. It is an attempt to improve the sacrament meeting attendance percentage by decreasing the denominator. It never seems to have any effect on the numerator (living bodies attending sacrament meeting).

The official Ward List is, of course, the local version of the official Big List of all the names of people who are or ever were “officially” a Mormon by birth in a Mormon family, baptism at age 8, or baptism at any time thereafter. The Big List, with something like 15 million names on it, is about four times larger than the actual number of living Mormons who attend church at least once a month and probably twice as large as the number of living people who at present consider themselves LDS in any sense.

Here’s something you might not have realized. Apart from the official Ward List, propounded and supported by the Church, there is a Secret Ward List. It is never written down. The names on the Secret Ward List are known only to those who are fully active in a ward and have been for at least a few years. The Secret Ward List is composed of names of members who come to church every week they are in town and accept most callings. You can’t get a copy of the Secret Ward List. The only people who know more or less who is on the Secret Ward List are the people who are themselves on the Secret Ward List. The Secret Ward List has maybe twenty or thirty families on it. It’s not a list of LDS superstars in your ward, it’s just people who come to church every week.

So let’s hear from the readers.

  • Have you ever and will you ever refer to the body of water known as “the Gulf of Mexico” as “the Gulf of America”?
  • Do you think the J6 rioters and felons were the good guys on January 6th and law enforcement and the FBI were the bad guys? Do you know anyone who believes this? Do you know anyone who pretends to believe this?
  • Do you think LDS apostles are Prophets, Seers, and Revelators in the sense that they have some mystical or divinely granted power (to prophesize, see, or reveal) that you or I or your local stake president doesn’t have?
  • Are you on the Secret Ward List? Do you want to be?
  • How do you get off the Secret Ward List? There’s the hard way (stop attending completely for at least twelve months, at which point those on the Secret Ward List will update their mental roster) and the easy way (go to the podium on Fast Sunday and go a little crazy for five minutes).
  • Apart from my examples, what is your favorite LDS False Narrative?