Hello, friends. I’m watching Conference so you don’t have to. MAGA leadership talking to MAGA Mormons about how to be better MAGA Christians. God save us all. There are a few topics I will be watching for in particular: references to politics and the election; mentions of LDS garments, part of the new retrenchment focus of the leadership; and mentions of excommunication and discipline, another feature of the new retrenchment agenda.

I should be able to swing real-time updates after each speaker. Words in quotes only when I’m pretty sure I caught the exact words on the fly. If I add my own comments, they will be in brackets and italics.

Saturday Morning

Conducting: Pres. Eyring (while seated), noting that Pres. Nelson in not attending in person. He starts off Conference by presenting LDS senior leaders for the usual sustaining vote. If you have objections, contact your local Stake President, who, I am fairly sure, will listen attentively and pass along your objections to senior leaders.

Elder Neil L. Anderson — on hope. Our hope of eternal life is based on Jesus Christ and our own righteous conduct. Hope brightens our darkened world. “The temple testifies of the empty tomb …” May we nurture our precious faith in the God of hope.

YW President Emily Belle Freeman — on priesthood and covenants and Emma. Make covenants … and keep them! Emma got a revelation, D&C 25, to expound scripture and exhort the Church. Liken it unto you. Live up to your privileges. Wear the garment of the priesthood daily. [Strong delivery: no Primary voice here!]

Elder Karl D. Hirst, a Seventy — on heavenly love. Every one of our six children thinks he/she is the favorite. Focus on love. God’s love extends to all of us (like we’re all his favorites). Perfect love for broken people. Avoid self-loathing and self-condemnation. Experiment with different ways to feel God’s love. Put some sunshine in your soul.

Elder Dale G. Renlund — on the Restored Church. Dynamite is to black power (a weaker explosive compound) as the LDS gospel is to … ? [Other churches? Secular daily life? I missed something.] The body of the Church helps God accomplish His purposes. [‘Cause I’m TNT, I’m dynamite.]

David P. Homer, a Seventy — on trusting God. If you disagree with the gospel or the leadership, you are wrong. Just like Satan and his rebellious followers before this life. Choose carefully who you trust. If you disagree with the Lord’s prophet, you are wrong. If you trust your own judgment, you are wrong. Doubt will separate you from God’s love and blessings. Blessings are for those who stay. [This was a my way or the highway talk.]

Gregorio E. Casillas, a Seventy — on something. A Gospel-oriented word salad. I couldn’t quite discern a central topic. Lighten their burdens? Make a positive contribution to the world? Be good neighbors? Don’t deviate from the path?

Pres. Dallin Oaks — on commandments and peaceable civil discourse. First commandment: Love God with all thy heart. Second: Love thy neighbor. Covenants and commandments connect us to God. Two kinds of commandments: permanent and temporary. Example: commanding early Saints to move to Ohio, then Nauvoo, then the Salt Lake Valley was temporary, tithing is permanent. Sometimes leaders re-emphasize permanent commandments, as in issuing the Proclamation on the Family or Pres. Nelson’s recent emphasis on full name of the Church.

Cut out the nasty public dialogue! Avoid toxic communications! Avoid the spirit of contention in politics, public policy, and family relations! Avoid contention, be peacemakers. But don’t compromise your principles, just avoid attacking others for theirs. Avoid what is harsh and hateful. [His new distinction between permanent and temporary commandments is going to have a long life in LDS discourse. I suspect his direct counsel against nasty dialogue and toxic communications will fall on deaf MAGA ears, but at least he tried.]

Saturday Afternoon

Conducting: Elder Garrett W. Gong of the Twelve. Pres. Nelson attended in a wheelchair, but did not speak. A children’s choir will perform the music.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson — on rebellion. Lay down your (metaphorical) weapons of disobedience and rebellion. Willful, active rebellion: like Satan and his followers before this life or the three antichrists (Sherem, Nehor, Korihor) in the Book of Mormon. Passive rebellion: just quietly pursuing your own path. Neutral or even good things can sometimes be passively rebellious. Beware malicious and mean-spirited public discourse! Don’t pass on church callings because of a busy job or career! No tattoos! Don’t get too focused on fitness and good appearance. [This talk empowers the thousands of passive-aggressive LDS zealots to accuse most of their co-religionists of being passively rebellious.]

Jose A. Teixeira, a President of the Seventy — on the virtues of salt. Praises salt workers. Praises salt, both seasoning and preservative. Be like salt. [Power of suggestion: I had to start munching some salty chips during this talk.]

Juan Pablo Villar, a seventy — on something. Tells a story about swimming in the ocean with his brother and links it to the phrase “Think Celestial.” [Hint: We could do Conference in one day if we dropped all the Seventies and went with just apostles and a woman or two. I’m still thinking about salt. Need. More. Chips.]

Elder Patrick Kearon of the Twelve — on joy and the sacrament. Welcome to the Church of Joy. God is the source of all joy. Sacrament reverence is more than just folding your arms tightly and saying nothing. Do joyful reverence. Bring positive joy into your Sunday worship. Worship the victorious Christ of glory, not the suffering Jesus. [I like this guy. The new Uchtdorf. If you close your eyes and just listen, he sounds like Tom Hiddleston. You’re welcome.]

Three more Seventies — [Sorry, I have exceeded my quota of Seventies for the day.]

Elder Ulisses Soares — against leisure activities. “Set aside all self-centered pursuits.” Don’t strive to be your authentic self. Instead, you should strive to be centered on Jesus Christ. Do it God’s way. [No more golfing or camping. Get rid of Netflix. Cancel your gym membership. Let’s all join a monastery.]

[Summary of the day: In the morning session, I liked — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — Pres. Oaks’ talk speaking strongly against nastiness in public dialogue and contention in political and public policy discussions. In the afternoon session, I liked Elder Kearon’s talk on joy and joyful reverence. I might pass on the evening session. Have a great day, everyone.]