We often talk about peacemaking or how blessed peacemakers are but we rarely talk about what skills peacemakers require.
If the curriculum took the step of teaching how to make peace, what do you think the lessons would include?
Lord make me an instrument of thy peace
Wheat & Tares 
I think most of us need to learn more about respect and increase our commitment to having respect for others. I include myself in that need.
How can we pursue unity in ways that respect the wide variety of beliefs held by individuals within our community?
How can I uphold my own beliefs and disagree with someone else’s beliefs in a manner that is respectful for both?
Do I think that starting a comment with “I respectfully disagree” means that whatever follows is respectful?
Is the attitude “hate the sin, love the sinner” respectful?
Can I be respectful if I assume I know another person’s motivations or beliefs without asking that person about them?
Do I act differently if I respect someone than if I treat that person with respect? (Genuine question. I don’t know if they are the same thing.)
How do I give up my impression that people who disagree with me are at best uninformed, at worst actively immoral?
How do I act in a respectful manner toward someone who refuses to treat me with respect? Who thinks I’m either uninformed or immoral? See above.
How would I change if I recognized that it’s as important to not give offense as it is to not take offense?
Maybe most importantly, help me to recognize that the only behavior I can control is my own. If I want things to be different, something about me must change.
First, I would listen.” Thick That Nhan
Yes to the learning how to listen. I think listening involves more than being able to parrot back what someone has said or even understanding it on a superficial level.
In conflict resolution they teach that the first step to peace is that the parties must agree on language that describes the problem. If there’s no consensus on what the REAL problem is, there’s no possibility of peace.
For instance, “I don’t think two men should be able to get married” is NOT the problem. Why do you feel that way? What harm do you fear?
If the answer is “I believe God told the prophet ‘no,’” then the logical next step is to have a conversation about whether and how policy should be made on that basis, etc. And that would still not be the problem.
If what results is that the two parties have fundamentally oppositional values/perceptions of reality and no shared language to discuss the problem can be agreed upon, then the conversation becomes about mitigating harm to both parties and who stands to be most hurt by which courses of action. Sometimes I don’t think any of us are adult enough to accept that living in a society means this is inevitable and compromise is desirable. And I point the finger at myself first.
I second the comments about listening. Dustin Hoffman once defined listening as “the ability to be changed by what the other person is saying.” That would be a great start.
If we speak out against the Church and it’s false truth claims and we live in Utah, couldn’t it be said that we are not peacemakers? So should we stop? Asking for a friend.
“Peace is not the absence of tension, it’s the presence of justice.”
Martin Luther King jr.
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of growth. The question is,
How do we respond to conflict?
How do we meet disagreement?
How do we approach differences?
Peacemaking is a question of HOW we respond to conflict, not our commitment to avoid, manipulate or stonewall. It’s the manner in which we engage in conflict.
If we meet conflict by avoiding or dismissing, that is not peacemaking, it’s gas lighting.
CONTEMPT
Contempt enters a conversation because one believes they are 100% right and the only value to the discussion is to crush their opponent. No humility, nothing to learn here, no possibility they lack all necessary information, no ability or willingness to address blind spots.
No amount of anxiety will change your future, and no amount of regret will change your past.
Peace is found in acceptance.
You don’t have to understand, tolerate or even forget something, but if you want peace, you must accept it.
First, we would need to agree on what is real and factual. We’d also need to draw some boundaries about whether or not your religious beliefs can infringe on other peoples’ right to live in a way that contradicts your religious beliefs. Peace would mean teaching good boundaries.
Peace is not the absence of tension, it’s the presence of justice.
Martin Luther King jr.
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of growth. The question is,
How do we respond to conflict?
How do we meet disagreement?
How do we approach differences?
Peacemaking is a question of HOW we respond to conflict, not our commitment to avoid, manipulate or stonewall. It’s the manner in which we engage in conflict.
If we meet conflict by avoiding or dismissing, that is not peacemaking, it’s gas lighting.
CONTEMPT
Contempt enters a conversation because one believes they are 100% right and the only value to the discussion is to crush their opponent. No humility, nothing to learn here, no possibility they lack all necessary information, no ability or willingness to address blind spots.
No amount of anxiety will change your future, and no amount of regret will change your past.
Peace is found in acceptance
You don’t have to understand, tolerate or even forget something, but if you want peace, you must accept it.
Peace is not the absence of tension, it’s the presence of justice.
Martin Luther King jr.
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of growth. The question is,
How do we respond to conflict?
How do we meet disagreement?
How do we approach differences?
Peacemaking is a question of HOW we respond to conflict, not our commitment to avoid, manipulate or stonewall. It’s the manner in which we engage in conflict.
If we meet conflict by avoiding or dismissing, that is not peacemaking, it’s gas lighting.
CONTEMPT
Contempt enters a conversation because one believes they are 100% right and the only value to the discussion is to crush their opponent. No humility, nothing to learn here, no possibility they lack all necessary information, no ability or willingness to address blind spots.
No amount of anxiety will change your future, and no amount of regret will change your past.
Peace is found in acceptance
Accept imperfection
Accept uncertainty
Accept the uncontrollable
You don’t have to understand, tolerate or even forget something, but if you want peace, you must accept it.
Janey: my boundary is I don’t attack anyone personally for their beliefs. You do you, so to speak
I would start with consent vs coercion. So many other things come from there in being able to see someone else’s perspective.
The Mormon concept of peacemaking was inspired by historical trends: conquest, imperialism, manifest destiny, and conversion. Baptize them all into being Mormon, and there will be peace, right? All Mormons get along and are peaceful. Smiling faces, Jell-O, no coffee or alcohol, and saying “heck,” “darn,” and “fudge.”
Even if it requires lobbying discriminatory laws into existence or the banning of books. Because those things bring are from the spirit of contention, which we all know we should push those negative feelings aside and just be happy. I may condemn your actions as the highest of sin, but I can still express my love for you, and that’s the same thing as being peaceful.
Okay, yes, I came off as very sarcastic and snarky in this one, but I stand by the conversion tactic. Peacemaking requires a lot of skills mentioned, previously: listening, respect, compassion, empathy, I’ll throw in humility. Same skills that Christ preached.
The truly hard part, is that we make peace with our enemies, those who are different. We are (mostly) at peace with those we identify with. Step one: we have to desire peace. How do we get that desire?
josh h – I am scratching my head and wondering where you saw a personal attack in my comment?
janey: I wasn’t implying that you made a personal attack. I was simply saying that’s my boundary in response to your statement that “peace would mean teaching good boundaries”. (we wouldn’t have this misunderstanding if we were talking face-to-face believe me)
From the start, to have peace we need the humility to accept that we cannot fully understand each other even if we listen carefully. That humility would mean we accept that others understand and know the details of their situation in a way we can never know. Because of this our judgement of their choices is nonsensical and meaningless except to place burdens upon them that prevent them from doing the best that can be done with their situation. To me, imagining that we know better than others and judging their actions is inherently prideful and can only lead to conflict, be it in resentments of the heart, or eventually in controlling actions.
Real peace comes when we let go of trying to judge and control others, and we accept they have the right and obligation to decide their actions for themselves. We control our own actions and ask for help from others when their actions impinge on our well being. This is good boundaries and it does bring peace.
Say it like Jesus and accept you have something in your eye that prevents you from understanding and adequately judging others. Choosing not to judge those things you don’t understand is fundamental for peace. Focusing on others instead of your own problems, and imagining that you know how to solve their problems, and are authorized to judge, undermines peace.
thanks for clarifying, josh h.
Observing the exchange between Janey and Josh, I see a template for peacemaking that uses a lot of the suggestions in the comments.
First, speaking up when you perceive a conflict, situation, problem, whatever. It helps to have faith in your community, enough that you have confidence that you won’t be ignored, stonewalled, gaslit, or flamed into silence. Humility and goodwill determine how messy it could get, but communicating is a key essential. The thorniest issues take a lot of communication, and the ultimate result depends a lot on the goodwill mustered by all parties toward each other, and the good faith communication that intentional goodwill engenders.
lws329 talks about the withering effect of judgment and pride, just upthread. It factors in to the success or failure of establishing peace. This isn’t the only obstacle, but it’s a common one that will derail the peacemaking work.
Seeking peace can be done on a small scale, between individuals, or macro scale. One example of macro scale peacemaking is the work of Bryan Stevenson. After graduating with a law degree from Harvard, he moved to Alabama for a career in seeking justice for wrongly convicted death-row inmates. That career has expanded and borne fruit in a myriad of ways, some very beautiful. But his organization’s (Equal Justice Initiative – google it) approach to resolving the conflicts of historical and contemporary racism have helped me see a path forward, if people would choose it. In brief, it’s executed through communicating, with a lot of pragmatic facing the facts of history, without shrinking from grief, and also without the toxic judgment described by lws329. This is way oversimplified of course. I think it would best be done on the micro level, as individuals, but community leadership is necessary. If only our community leaders had the will to lead us there.
The only other critical needful thing that comes to mind is love in the heart for the person or people who are experiencing turbulent conflict. The presence or absence of that condition of the heart can be the determining factor in reaching the goal of peace. IMHO
I think peacemaking is a process, often messy work, not for the faint of heart, or someone intimidated by cleaning up a mess, whether created by you or someone else. Sometimes it takes a mop and bucket, sometimes a gurney and trauma training, sometimes refreshments, but a can-do attitude fueled by a loving heart will go far in seeking peace.
I just reread my comment, and my impression is a feeling of exhaustion. We have so far to go. I was reading my way down a rabbit hole yesterday, about the history/events of the September 6, and I was saddened by the amount of energy spent on enforcing silence. If we can’t communicate, we may have order, but we won’t have peace.
Commmunity of Christ has this as a major focus of worship. Each Sunday service includes a prayer for peace, and the organization and its members are always looking for ways to promote justice and non-violence in their communities. In my time worshipping with them I heard many messages about seeking peace through a personal relationship with Jesus, then seeking to spread peace throughout the world. It was rather lovely.
In what way was Jesus himself a peacemaker? The record is inconsistent. Jesus provided healing of the sick and infirmed. He gave people hope. He also boldly challenged the local religious authority. This created much division and contention.
Jesus’ mortal ministry was filled with argument, division and conflict. Jesus cleansed the temple of merchants using violence. For the Jewish leaders, Jesus was a problem that was ultimately resolved with Jesus being murdered.
Jesus responded to Pilate with calmness. This did not stop Jesus from being whipped and scourged and suffering one of the most violent forms of deaths in being crucified.
The basic story told in the scriptures is of prophets telling the people what the people didn’t want to hear, resulting in contention and violence. Jezebel wished to kill Elijah. Abinadi was burned to death by king Noah and his priests. It is clear and plainly illustrated in scripture that God works through disruptors of the status quo.
Peace is highly desirable. What does it mean to be peaceful? For institutions, including churches, it typically means acceptance, agreement and conformity. But if this means agreement and conformity to ideas people find difficult to accept, behavior indicating acceptance may be masking inner turmoil as individuals struggle to reconcile what they are told with what they feel to be wrong
We should want peace in our lives. We should make the sincere effort to find peace for ourselves and to provide it to others. I believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ provides the means for a person to enjoy peace. We must be mindful however that the peace that comes of God is a peace that the world cannot give.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” -John 14:4