Irreverent Replies to FamilySearch Email Subject Lines*
Jake, your 6th Great-grandmother’s homeland was…
A place where people farted,
a place where people picked their noses,
a place where people spewed diarrhea,
maybe even a place where my 6th great-
grandma laughed as a boy’s voice cracked.
I mean, she couldn’t have been all nice.
Jake, your 3rd Great-grandfather’s homeland was…
A place where folks drank plain carbonated water
the way I drink new gimmick flavors of soda pop,
a place where potatoes were so important they
named a famine after them (or maybe we did),
a place where a dreamed-for better life led
my 3rd great-grandfather to the land
where I feel trapped.
Jake, see your 2nd great-grandfather’s headstone!
Um, could we do this later?
My boss keeps walking
past my cubicle
today. … Oh
whatev!
Click!
Jake, you have a pioneer relative!
Rather than ruminate on their real life,
I’ll lazily daydream adrift in its wake—
seeking the pleasure of being haunted.
Will they look down upon me
and shine with gratitude when
I share their past on Pinterest?
Jake, your 3rd great-grandmother traveled thousands of miles for religious freedom
Did she regard tar and feather the way
I regard shame tweets and Facebook
screeds? Give me my badges of honor,
for I am a Job wannabe.
…
What did she think of polygamy?
…
No, I really want to know. If all the darned
man angels in Paradise could just shut up,
I’d like to hear her speak. Clear. Unfiltered.
Unforced by algorithms. Because a secret
something tells me I never would have,
and never will, hear her
prophesy from a pulpit.
Jake, we may have found a new record hint about your relative
Subject lines alone lead
me to snarky suspicions,
because anything might be,
though few things may be.
Because genealogy bleeds
promise like a TikTok feed.
It pleads for one more,
oh, just one more
click!
Jake, we found your great-grandfather’s obituary!
Okay. And…?
Oh right, first
the fathers need me
to click!
Jake, we found your Great-grandfather’s military record
I thank him for his service. Wait!
Which country was he fighting for?
Jake, your great-grandfather’s birthday is coming up!
I’m only buying candles for the years
he was in his probationary state.
Jake, you’ve received a name for the temple
Oh? Perhaps I should forward it
to someone with a recommend:
FW: The hearts of the fathers…
Poet’s Notes
*The italicized portions of the above poem are subject lines quoted directly from FamilySearch marketing emails—including punctuation. FamilySearch is a service provided by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Wheat & Tares 
I really wasn’t interested after the first couple of lines. Sorry
That’s all right, Josh. I appreciate the honest feedback.
Yes, the emails. It’s a little disconcerting to get an email from “the Church” (not from any particular person) referencing some ancestor of mine and suggesting I ought to go do something temple-ish with that info. Kind of like getting an email from “the Church” telling me I missed two out of four sacrament meetings last month or that my I’ve worn the same tie three weeks in a row. There’s a “we know who you are” ring to it.
It’s sort of like a communication from HAL in 2001, who wasn’t a person but sort of acted like one — the same disembodied institutional voice, but speaking to you personally with an air of authority. Open the pod bay doors, HAL! “I’m sorry, Dave, but I can’t do that.” What’s the problem? “I think you know what the problem is, Dave.” “Here is a name. I think you know what to do with it, Dave. Is there a problem?”
This is great. I have enjoyed this though-provoking poem more than any other you have written.
It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who finds it disconcerting to receive click bait emails from my church. It just seems strange. Why not just include the info in the email and suggest I log in to Family Search to learn more.
Dave B., John, and MN, thank you for sharing your reactions. Because I do email marketing as part of my day job, I’ve had this idea for awhile. In actuality, the FamilySearch email marketing tactics strike me as perfectly conventional. Compare this for-profit bookstore’s email subject line, received the same morning I posted: “The 2020 Booker Prize Shortlist Is…” To the Church’s credit, I do not see a FamilySearch email in my box that begins with the shameless (and false) selling phrase: “Last Chance!” Yet, as a couple of you point out, there is the oddity of such sales tactics showing up in a deeply religious context.
Did someone say 5G? Sorry, I’ve got conspiracy theories on my mind.