Merry Christmas, everyone! In the United States, Christmas is probably the biggest holiday we have, even though not everyone is a Christian. To be honest, it’s not that Christian a holiday, even though we keep trying to make it one. Io, Saturnalia!
Like most holidays, it ticks all the boxes:
- Boost to the economy / materialistic angle
- Family gathering and food
- Cultural traditions that are common among households and retail outlets
- National recognition which means for many people, time off work
- Undue burden on women in terms of coordination and emotional labor
This year, thanks to a craniotomy followed by multiple DVTs in my left leg, I’ve been in and out of the hospital since early November, and mostly housebound during an extended recovery period, making my feelings about the holidays hovering between resentment and ambivalence due to that last bullet; if it’s holiday related and I’m not personally overseeing it or nagging it into existence, it’s not going to happen. Several traditions have been casualties to this over the years, though. This year it was health that caused that, but other years I had business trips or we had personal travel. There are always things pulling at our time, even when we are relatively ambulatory and don’t have staples in our skull.
Most years, our family tradition for Christmas has included traveling somewhere. Sometimes that’s been a fun trip to the Great Barrier Reef, New Zealand, London or the Caribbean. Other times, it’s just a trip to spend time with my in-laws. It almost always means we are either not home on Christmas Day or that we fly out that day. We always do our presents on Christmas Eve (which was my parents’ tradition also), or if we are traveling on that day also, we pick a day and declare it our family Christmas.
So, what’s to resent about a holiday? Well, plenty. There’s putting up and decorating the tree, the nativity scene, outdoor decorations, planning food, having visitors or extended family, buying and wrapping presents that people actually want but that also might be a surprise to them (and not just a lame gift card), buying gifts for neighbors or co-workers and employees, planning and executing family photos for Christmas cards (updating addresses, then buying stamps and sending them all out in plenty of time), buying stocking stuffers and candy or other treats, and arranging travel (airbnb, flights, rental car, plans with friends). Add to all that the fact that our business has some contractual obligations that must be done on Christmas day, but no employees willing to work it, placing undue burden on us as owners (and our immediate staff) to cover in a last minute pinch, even with a flight out of town later in the day.
Whew! With that long list, I feel like I’ve strayed into Frank Costanza’s Airing of the Grievances from his Festivus tradition!
But even if I weren’t the one relegated to the role of coordinating decorations and gifts (both of which are responsibilities I take very lightly if I’m honest), I could complain about the money spent, or family time (if I didn’t look forward to this), or the lost income to our business, or the needless and seemingly endless calories. I’m always up for complaining about the freezing cold weather and gray skies in Salt Lake, especially when it was in the 70s here in Scottsdale last week.
When we lived in Singapore, we loved that as a multi-cultural country, all major religions had nationally recognized holidays–and everyone celebrated all of them: Christianity got Good Friday and Christmas Day, Muslims had Hari Raya Puasa and Hari Raya Haji (neighbors would give each other traditional hari raya cookies), Buddhism had Vesak Day and Chinese New Year, and Hindus had Deepavali. There were also national-driven holidays for Labour Day, National Day, and New Year’s Day, and there was a lot of fun around Halloween which wasn’t a recognized holiday, but Singaporeans loved creating spooky themed attractions and dressing up like zombies or other phantasmagorical creatures. The American School our kids attended also recognized the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, which we also recognize in our Scottsdale school calendar.
My favorite Singaporean Christmas tradition was the decorating of Orchard Road, the world class shopping district in central Singapore. Because the country is near the equator, the temperature is an invariable 90-ish degrees (and a similar humidity level). There’s no snow. Instead, the city has a bubble machine that makes the shopping area look like a snowscape. At the Marina Bay Sands complex, they even make a fountain into an ice skating rink. They go all out to make it a magical holiday for a tropical metropolis.
Each holiday is designed around a theme or idea, something we are supposed to think about as individuals and families, and as a society. On Veteran’s Day, we think about the sacrifices of those who served in the military, particularly those who died for our freedom. On Hari Raya Puasa, people celebrate the end of Ramadan, a month of fasting between sunrise and sunset, often accompanied by a 10 pound weight loss. Ramadan is an acknowledgement of gratitude for all the blessings we have from God. The end of Ramadan is gratitude that we can now eat again during the day! Plus, really amazing almond cookies. We made the mistake of going to Bangkok for Vesak Day weekend one year. Just like Christmas Day in the US, everything was closed! We wanted to see the emerald Buddha, but that’s not an option on the day his birth is celebrated. Rats.
Regardless the holiday, the point is psychologically similar: to create a shared sense of purpose, to reflect on a specific aspect of being human, to forge traditions that bond us, and to break up the monotony of our routine thoughts and actions.
Last week’s SNL with Eddie Murphy hosting (and 2018’s Christmas episode with Matt Damon) both poked fun at the way we come together during the holidays, showing a couple talking about how wonderful the holiday is, being gracious with one another, and then cutting to flashbacks of how awful and stressful it was to pull this holiday together. In this year’s Eddie Murphy stands to make a toast, acknowledging his beloved family, but showing how they all got on each others’ nerves for the last few days. That’s also part of the point of holidays: to give us a chance to focus on the positive because the holiday demands it of us. It demands that we stop and take stock of what we have. We don’t focus on the downsides of those things. Instead we let go of what’s bugs us for something bigger, what brings us together.
Merry Christmas to all. Here are a few questions to let you share in our community in the comments:
- What do you love most about Christmas?
- What do you like least about Christmas?
- What are the traditions you are carrying on for Christmas?
Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
Sounds like a lot of self inflicted wounds. Dramatic simplification brings the real reason back into view. Spoke as one who’s been there and bagged it all to enjoy quiet contemplation with the family about the Savior.
Well this “what’s the point” is a little different than the others since the topic of holidays it not unique to LDS. Interesting.
As a child I loved Christmas. What child doesn’t? I still enjoy watching little kids open presents. As an adult I find it difficult to navigate. There is a lot of keepin up with the Jones’s going on in terms of decorations and gifting, for one thing. Giving surprise gifts is fun for children, but not so great for adults. Most of the time if you give an adult something they want, it’s still something they could have picked out better by themselves.
I wish we could simplify. I’ll admit that holiday prep, other than cooking which I do, is one area where my wife performs much more work than I do. But rather than take on that work, I want to reduce the overall work in decorating and such. If it were up to me we would do the bare minimum of decorating and gifting. And in truth, we did cut back quite a bit this year.
We also travel to visit family, usually after Christmas. I wish I could say this was unambiguously good, but it can be stressful. A relative of mine who works in a counseling center says they always have emergencies after Christmas. It seems like a lot of people have trouble when they feel obligated to spend time with family.
In spite of all that, it’s a beautiful time of year. I like it best when we focus on spending quality time building memories and relationships, within appropriate boundaries.
Another thing: Santa. I’m not a fan of the Santa tradition, even less “elf on the shelf”. The other person who has a say in these matters likes to play the Santa game, and I used to be more okay with it, so we continue to do it. Sigh.
I’m super resentful about Christmas. It pretty much comes down to me doing a ton more work than I already have to do so that the rest of my family can enjoy themselves. I’ve already slimmed down our traditions and we don’t do a giant meal. It’s still exhausting. But on the upside, I really like being with my family.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It has many of the positives as Christmas and not quite as much stress.
Like one of the other comments, if it were up to my male preferences I’d skip the lights, baking for neighbors and ward members, and many other extras. As the OP says, my wife picks up many of those tasks, and while I try to help, I’m sure she resents the extra work. What I resent – as the sole breadwinner of the family – is the financial stress of unneeded gifts we purchase. However I’m not overly passionate about the wasted (in my opinion) money, and she hasn’t yet blown up about me not helping with the dozens of cookies she bakes so I suppose we’ve reached an informal truce.
That being said, I truly enjoy time w family. My daughter leaves for her mission next month and my in laws are quite old, and my other daughter just got engaged (to an awesome non-Christian) so we broke many of our rules and traditions to accommodate them. The kids seemed to have as much fun this year as a much more traditional Christmas.
Gosh, it feels good to believe I am not the only one with a whole load of grievances about Christmas. Give me Thanksgiving ANY DAY. I think it comes down to resentment about obligatory gifts and the Santa game. I am not a natural gift giver – not my love language – and the pressure to perform is immense, not to mention the financial stress! I wish there were more allowance for the fact that the “magic” of Christmas for children gets conjured by stressed out and overly committed adults, who are not magical at all! But that would spoil said magic…. I guess I feel stuck in a tightly wound web we call Christmas. If my depression were one degree more severe than it has generally been, Christmas would likely be a dangerous time for my life. I am not one bit surprised at the increase in emergencies in counseling clinics at this time of year. As is, at the degree of depression I have (especially in the darkness of winter in the Far North), I don’t even have the energy to try to replace the gift-giving with other traditions that would suit my strengths better. Swimming against the cultural tide and ingrained expectations feels next-to-impossible, although we have trimmed down so that our only decorations are on the tree, we don’t do a big meal, Santa only fills a stocking for each child, and we only participate in a couple of simple holiday events. Anything less and it would feel rather JW at our house. Bah Humbug! (I am tempted to delete this pathetic rant, but I am choosing not to. I guess it feels good to openly state how terribly hard this holiday is for me!)
I’m so pleased to know you live in Scottsdale. Please take care of yourself during the long neuro recovery journey, God bless you! I enjoy your posts very much. Keep up the good work and have some fudge and cookies…an enduring tradition if ever there was one.
So sorry to hear about your maladies, hawkgrrrl. I hope your recuperation goes well and swiftly and I thank you for continuing to provide thoughtful and thought provoking material in your convalescence.
I LOVE Christmas. I have since I was a little girl growing up in a troubled family who really made an effort to pull together to make Christmas magical for my sister and I.
I know it’s work. (I’m the one who does it for my family.) I know it’s expensive in time, talents and money. I know it often falls short of expectations while adding to the number of things we need to accomplish in a month before it comes to fruition. But, for me, it was magical when I was a small kid and it was magical when I was making it so for my kids when they were little and it’s magical now that we try to add to my grandson’s Christmas.
I don’t know what the point is. Other than generosity and good wishes for people we don’t even know and hope for the future and connection to generations past. But I know it’s good for me. Even as I grumble about being less able to get on a ladder and put a bow or a light on everything. Even as I compile and manage lists of what has to be gotten and what has to be distributed and what’s (mercifully) already done.
Holidays are all wonderful. They help us lift our heads above the day-to-day to join with others in looking forward and backward. They give us permission for things that are special and indulgent. I think of Christmas when pleasuring in what’s going to come our way represents something other than what we might call “selfishness” the rest of the year. I think of Easter when I made my kids cascarones painted with elaborate images that they were invited to break (gasp!) and even to throw at one another (GASP!). I think of Thanksgiving where we stuff ourselves with good things and are free not to call it gluttony for one precious day of the year.
It’s a release of accumulated stresses, I guess. It’s time to reflect on the fortunes life has doled out to us and who needs some help getting through theirs.
I don’t know if Christmas has a point. I just know I LOVE it and I try to make it what others can LOVE and give to their loved ones.
I hope yours was touching and memorable, hawkgrrrl.
We lived in Scottsdale for five years and my husband just posted today about how he misses the day after Christmas when he can golf in beautiful 70 degree weather. 😉
There was an online discussion after I wrote this that really shocked me, but apparently it’s not that uncommon that women buy ALL the gifts for everyone in the family–including for THEMSELVES. IOW, many women were stating that they have never received a Christmas present from their husband. I was speechless about this revelation. It wasn’t a majority of women in the thread, but it was not uncommon either. Yikes. I’m not a big gift person, but I think that would take my resentment over a cliff if that happened.
I certainly get the idea of minimizing and simplifying, but where is the sweet spot exactly? Here’s what I have eliminated: no holiday meal (oldest son is vegan, second son is vegetarian, and it’s not worth cooking for three again so soon after Thanksgiving), no stockings (I put some candy in a communal bowl in the kitchen), no Christmas cards, no outdoor decorations, no neighbor gifts, no family newsletter, 95% of shopping done online (since walking around a store was not possible for me this year). There was still a lot to do. It almost seems like if we cut more, it wouldn’t feel like Christmas at all. When the kids set up house for themselves over the next 10 years, maybe we can cut back further, but for now we are the Christmas house.
Also, how great is that picture of Christmas on Orchard Road in Singapore? Brings a smile to my face.
::raises hand::
Put me in the Buys All the Presents column. Yup! That includes my own. …and the ones my husband gives to his business associates as well.
He’s a busy guy. He has a 24/7 job that wakes him up in the middle of the night and knows no such thing as a legal holiday. I’m a stay at home mom who relies on him 100% for the funds I need to operate the home and family. That’s our division of labors. It wasn’t always but I can’t make a fraction of what he does so this way works out better for us.
Now, if I didn’t know — after 52 years together — that our support for one another emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, and financially was complete, I guess I could feel resentful. But I do have every assurance of it. Either one of us would do anything we could at any minute. Both of us together are a team. Them’s the facts! So, I do procurement: groceries, clothing (his as well as mine), services ( he has to keep his own medical appointments), supplies and gifts.
When we were young and dating and he had reasonable jobs he gave great and thoughtful presents. I still have them and treasure them. Now I find it entirely gratifying to pick out something I really want, charge it to the credit card he’ll pay for and then hand it over and tell him to wrap it. It’s a family joke at this point. Just like when I give him a gift I picked out and he paid for. Our way is also highly efficient. I get what fits, what I want and will use, what I wouldn’t buy for myself in the normal course of events without the rational that it’s a “gift”.
Frankly, I don’t understand women who resent husbands not remembering an event or not being able to read their minds about what they want. l’ve told my husband a hundred times that if he never gave me a gift again (he does when he sees something and the whim strikes) I would still consider myself far ahead of the game based on the love and affection and response to my needs that’s second nature after all these years. Presents and occasions are external things that can’t begin to compete with the real bonds and shared history and profound respect and admiration that comprise a real relationship So I do what I do better and what I have the time for (also a precious gift from him!). He does what he does. And we’re grateful for one another and happy for the years we have left together.
alice: I wouldn’t knock it if that’s your agreement as a couple. That’s nothing I’d sign up for since we have both had careers the whole time, mine the bigger time demand until the last few years, but I can certainly see that in some situations that would work. I’m not a big gifts person, so it’s not about that. I would resent an unstated assumption that men are exempt from emotional labor, but I wouldn’t leave it unstated for long!
“ I would resent an unstated assumption that men are exempt from emotional labor, but I wouldn’t leave it unstated for long!”
I agree with you 100%. Enthusiastically!
If my emotional needs weren’t being met I doubt I could feel the way I do. I just don’t equate gifts with regard or connection or availability. When the intangibles of a relationship are in place it’s easy for me to arrange the transfer of goods and services because I’m better at it and I have more time for it. And I say that without a trace of irony or judgment of anyone else’s circumstances or choices.
I was born in a different generation. I’m just saying that it’s the fundamentals of a relationship that count and I think that’s as true today as it ever was. There are lots of ways of arranging the details. Anything that works voluntarily and freely, works.
I feel like I want to go on the record saying that I am emphatically a person who applauds women for making their own choices and that most certainly includes having careers and making their limits and expectations known. And I’m not a person who needs anyone to affirm my choices or who claims to have made the only one or the only “right” one.
I’m aware and constantly grateful that I have means that exceed my family’s needs and that that gives me the time and fluidity to meet other family members’ needs and provide that degree of lubrication between us as a unit and the demands of the world. And I’m positive that I’m more fortunate still to have my husband and to have long since worked out our rhythms and our interface with the world.
I applaud women who know their limits and know how to present their demands! I support women who are still struggling to find the ground they can stand on. I only speak to how I’ve managed mine. And that, as a 60s era feminist who found herself making very traditional choices I’m happy with how it’s all worked out in my family.
Angela, it sounds like your holiday is about where I want mine to be.
“What’s the Point of Holidays?” I don’t know! Seems to have started with Passover. It seems to be a way to remember important events.