On a Facebook group discussion, people were talking about the temple, and it devolved into a discussion of a few things that would make people more likely to attend.
Pres. Nelson has told us to take our vitamins because of all the upcoming changes, resulting in rampant speculation about the upcoming General Conference and whatever new changes might be announced. A few hopeful coffee drinkers (or that’s who I imagine is hoping for this) have their fingers crossed for a relaxing of the Word of Wisdom questions in the Temple Recommend interview. That reminds me a little bit of an old SNL sketch in which Father Don Novello says he’s going to break off from the Catholic church to get even with them for something he’s mad about, and he’s going to change the 10 Commandments to the 10 Suggestions to win more followers.
Well, here are some outside-the-box suggestions to increase temple attendance.
- Add a drive thru option
- Hire Blue Man group to spring from the ceiling at unexpected times during the endowment (Check with Kirton McConkie on potential liability issues due to heart attacks)
- Serve warm chocolate chip cookies at the recommend desk since the lobby looks like a really nice Doubletree anyway
- Wolfgang Puck franchise instead of cafeteria [1]
- Premium seating up front for gross tithe payers vs. net including bottled water and lap blanket
- Membership Rewards points for every ordinance that can be applied toward Church merch [2]
Remove sexist elements but don’t let anyone talk about it.- New Puffs with Lotion in Celestial Room to replace regular Kleenex brand
- Free tampons in the womens’ restroom
- Surprise twist ending added to the temple film [3]
What are your tongue-in-cheek ideas to improve temple attendance?
Discuss.
[1] Taco Tuesdays?
[2] Ponderize sweatshirts?
[3] The wife did it
Wheat & Tares 
Frequent attendees status levels. My suggestion would be three…Sun, Moon and Stars. Once you reach the attendance requirements for a given level in a calendar year, you receive a new recommend in the mail acknowledging your achievement. These special recommends will also unlock certain perks (dependant on level) within the temple such as free popcorn, express lanes at the recommend desk and veil, upgrades to premium seating (including luxury boxes in certain temples) in the endowment and sealing rooms, private locker rooms, and access to VIP section of the Celestial Room.
-The highest award points and status levels can be redeemed for a Second Anointing or the option to be sealed to the dead celebrity/historical figure of your choice
-The progressive nature of the endowment can be easily modified into an Escape Room game, to make things more interesting
-3D endowment film
-Baptismal font hot tub parties
-Bring back the old masonic penalty gestures, just for laughs.
How about a rewards program where if:
– You attend the temple X amount of times, you get to skip church and have someone else do your calling that week.
– You visit every temple, you get a reduced tithing amount
– You attend the temple once a week for a year, you get to wear jeans to church and sit in the cushy high council chairs for sacrament.
Replace the hats with crowns, and each person has a personal aid to adjust the clothing at the appropriate time.
I’d be happy if they would just give us our cafeteria back (Albuquerque). Now it is just a fridge, a microwave, and a few tables.
Time spent in vicarious ordinances counts as a tithe. Given US demographics, many attendees are already skilled at billing by the hour, anyway.
Don’t allow individuals to hold leadership or other status/favorite callings unless they reach a certain quota of temple attendance.
Give out ‘I attended the temple this week’ badges, and then encourage key leadership and those high on ward social ladders to make sure they always wear them to church on Sunday where everyone will see.
Soften the entry requirements so members who drink coffee and/or tea and still get TRs. But maybe inside the temple they could wear a C or T on their foreheads. That way there is a penalty for their sinning. But that way they could still participate in the blessings of the temple.
Free 2.5 hours of childcare at adjacent visitors’ center, like Småland at IKEA.
Allow wives to know their husbands’ new name. Temple is still sexist because of this disparity.
I’d be happy if the temple was where holy people went and holiness wasn’t measured by tithing.
Seriously, I would like to be able to go through the endowment with multiple names to help alleviate that logjam. Even if it was just an additional name ( shouldn’t be too hard to remember an extra set of details) it wouldn’t slow things down much.
It’s not enough to relax the word of wisdom.
They should offer free coffee.
Better accommodate visits by families, and make them feel welcome. Have sufficient space for children to be cared for whilst the parents take turns in sessions. We spent our children’s growing years having to take them with us when we visited the temple (London). It was a full day trip. We’d have gone more often if facilities had been better. As it was we had to pick a sunny day because indoor space was extremely limited. There have been a variety of attitudes to having families picnicking in the grounds as well. For goodness sake, make people welcome. We’re driving several hours, children in tow. To attend the temple, as instructed.
If we’re going to have the kids sing I love to see the temple, then let’s ensure they’re going to be happy to see it, speaking also as someone who has had charge of a primary children at the temple at the behest of bishopric – goodness knows we tried telling him the folk down at the temple didn’t like it, were uncooperative, etc etc, but it went ahead anyway.
On a more positive front, for some years (a lot of years ago now) a couple who had spent many successful years running a restaurant in a popular holiday destination had a mission assignment to run the temple canteen. Friday evenings were promoted as a ‘date night’. Attend the temple and have a great meal and do a session. I believe that worked quite well.
Many years ago a friend asked me what to do about the recurring problem of his first grade girl getting molested on the playground by the fourth grade boys from the projects and the principle just basically ignoring it. Options included moving, home school, pepper spray, legal actions, illegal action, etc. He asked me to go to the temple with him to pray about it.
I remember like it was today, coming out of the temple and the sunset was gorgeous, back lighting a dark row of loblolly pines. I heard a clear voice in my mind say: The day will come when Mormons will regret building temples instead of schools. I was more orthodox then and this message was disturbing to me on several levels. My friend moved.
My suggestion is to follow this remote revelation. Close the temples and build a top- notch education system for our youth. Wealthy people might pave a path to our door if it is not done half-assed like most of what we do and we could bring the missionaries home.
Let people select their own new names.
To encourage more male attendants, post William Clayton’s quote from Joseph Smith (referring to plural wives) in the sealing room. “.You have a right to get all you can.”
I would just like to sit next to my husband during an endowment session.
Have all the single sisters between the ages of 30 and 45 line up in the celestial room with their faces veiled. After being pulled through the veil, the Priesthood holders so inclined could select one of the single sisters and take her around to the sealing room and marry her. Many reportedly successful pioneer polygamous marriages began with about as much fanfare. After all, the temple ceremony includes a rehearsal of life after death and plural marriage seems to still be part of that.
Stop using Elohim as God’s name. It’s not his name. It’s a title, and it’s plural.
Yeah, get rid of the hats.
Lose all the repetition, which would shorten it to 45 minutes.
Bring back the old film from the 70s and 80s, with all the burly men, the hot Satan, and the smokin’ Swedish Eve.
Sorry (kind of) for the for my prior suggestion. You asked for tongue-in-cheek, and I gave biting humor instead.
How about bringing back the top floor dance hall for some post-endowment exercise?
https://mormonheretic.org/2009/12/14/dancing-in-the-temple-and-other-changes-over-the-years/
“After dancing a few figures, President Young called the attention of the whole company, and then gave them a message, or this import, viz; that this temple was a Holy place, and that when we danced, we danced unto the Lord, and that no person would be allowed to come on to this floor, and afterwards mingle with the wicked. He said the wicked had no right to dance, that dancing and music belonged to the Saints.”
We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance
Well they’re are no friends of mine
I say, we can go where we want to a place where they will never find
And we can act like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind
And we can dance.
How about having attendees bring a can of food for the homeless?
Our temple already has free tampons in the bathroom. I’m not sure precisely what impact that has on attendance, though- it’s been true as long as I’ve been attending… 🙂
Observation relating to some negative ratings of comments: some women do not appreciate tongue-in-cheek comments about polygamous sealings.
Serve yourself popcorn machine. Dart board with pictures of famous Mormons who have gone awry. Background music of “go to” Mormon music, including a “little bit country/little bit rock and roll” (i.e., Donny/Marie). Include tunes of “Stairway to Heaven” or “Highway to Hell” to help attendees with thought-provoking choices. “Design your own hat” day. Wear green on St. Paddy’s Day.
Greg Smith;
Guilty as described. But I call foul. The OP asked for it and I take that to mean the one with the most negative comments wins.
The temple is centered on celestial marriage which was plural marriage until the meaning of the words in the DC were changed. Its not my fault we had polygamy in our history. In fact, at one point in my family history, 10 of 16 ancestors were in plural marriages. It’s definitely not my fault that most active Mormons still think polygamy was acceptable back then and not a few who also think the same for the next life.
You have an irony deficiency. You and your delicate cohorts don’t get how sarcasm works. It doesn’t support -rather it mocks and criticizes its subject. In fact, in some family preserved accounts, what I describe is not far from historical truth and deserves to be mocked. What is less appropriate? Ignore these outrageously contracted relationships or mock them? Trying to be polite and quiet about polygamy is “a dog that won’t hunt” for me.
If I had an equally severe irony deficiency and took what you said only literally, I would be confused- that you were calling me out for not supporting shotgun plural marriages? In reality , I take your discomfort as indicating that at some level you think what I suggest could actually be implemented- to the point you don’t want to give anybody any ideas. Pathetic if true. Are there any Mormon women out there, even at BYU-I, who would take my suggestion seriously? Maybe so. There were Mormon women in my singles ward who showed up for bogus church basketball cheer leading try-outs I announced. But this?
Besides, I did try to make one constructive comment (build schools instead of temples) that currently has the third most thumbs up score on the thread.I get some social capital to burn for that.
So no, I don’t feel the least bit guilty.
I can’t see the thumbs up/downs on any of my devices, on several different browsers. Anyone know why? I’ve always wonder why they disappeared when others mention them.
A phylactery broadening machine would be nice.
It would appear that phylacteries are only worn by men. That could be a problem. Maybe they could be worn by both men and women who have committed minor violations: drank coffee or tea, went to a R-rated movie (like Shindler’s List), doesn’t read scriptures every day. That would remind those in the temple that they are among sinners. And the nonwearers could feel superior.