I’ve enjoyed the Middle Way posts the last week.
Kristine with a very nice post outlining some key issues related to Middle Way.
Happy Hubby with his faith crisis and reconstruction journey.
Andrew S weighing in with salient observations. I resonated with his observation of two attributes that long term Middle Wayers have: 1. strong personal authority 2. a feeling of being pulled or attracted to stay with Mormonism, even feeling that is coming from outside you.
Cody Hatch with the community aspect of it and some of his personal thoughts.
Sam Brunson from BCC with his personal thoughts, and how he sees the lines blurred between Middle Way and Traditional Mo’s.
This topic is very important to me. I’ve been navigating what some would call the Middle Way for 10+ years now. I have a lot of thoughts about it. I’m going to create my own definition of Middle Way and speak to that. I don’t do that to disrespect anyone else’s definition or to ignore a different type of Middle Wayer. But since I have personal knowledge about this type of middle Way, I’ll focus on that. I’m speaking to a group of people that:
- have unorthodox beliefs or lack of belief in traditional Mormon beliefs in many ways, enough to be uncomfortable in being open about these beliefs in a traditional LDS ward. For example, lack of belief in BOM historicity. Lack of belief that polygamy was ordained of God. Lack of belief in the 1838 First Vison Account. Lack of belief in the literal resurrection of Jesus Christ. Lack of belief in the literal angelic visits in the restoration. Belief in evolution, including ape to man. No one’s the same on this. But let’s just say that to fit my definition, you have enough in common with this list that it’s uncomfortable for you and others if you were to be direct about these in an LDS Sunday School class. If you have no issue with any of these, you’re not in my club. I still love you, you’re just not in my Churchistrue Middle Way Club.
- believe in the good the Church has in the community and the individual. Attend regularly or wish you could mentally get to a place where you could. Enjoys membership in the Church. Proud to be a Mormon. Membership is important to you. Wants their kids to stay Mormon. Wants the Church to survive and continue to be a positive force in the world. You’re more Dan Peterson than Mike Norton. You’re more Dan Wotherspoon than John Dehlin. Maybe you’re proud of your pioneer ancestry. Maybe you went on a mission and thought it was great for you. Again, you don’t need all of these, but you get the idea.
- likely has issues with the Church on some issues, like LGBT+ issues, female equality, racism, over emphasis on worthiness, etc. But you have hope that the church will generally improve on these issues as a whole. And this doesn’t outweigh the general good feelings you have for the church.
People that don’t resonate with the previous list but do resonate with this next list are a different kind of Middle Way that I won’t speak to in this post.
- believe somewhat traditionally in the truth claims but have huge issues with social issues like LGBT+, female equality, etc. ie social issues are way bigger issues to you than truth claim issues
- attend because you have a spouse or child that’s causing you to stay engaged, but you’d rather not, and you’re biding your time until hopefully they will leave with you
- are frustrated with LDS because it’s going liberal or mainstream and you wish it to be more orthodox, ie you wish the prophet would talk more about talking face to face with Jesus Christ and people like Rock Waterman or Denver Snuffer appeal to you
- believe somewhat traditionally but don’t love the culture, view other members as self righteous, and don’t feel like you fit in because you don’t keep the same standards
These are all other Middle Way paths, but each have its own unique challenges, which I am not focused on or feel I am an expert on, personally. I may have defined the “My Middle Way” narrow enough that I lost a lot of readers. But my hunch is that the category as I define it is pretty large.
Now let’s look at some areas with challenges or unique issues to navigate.
It’s somewhat important to me that my kids stay Mormon or remain positively engaged with the Mormon Church, especially through young adult age. I believe it’s important to do the first half of life right (Richard Rohr), and the Mormon Church produces about as good as first half of life experience as is possible. I want to help my kids reach adult age avoiding the pitfalls of alcohol and drug dependency and teenage pregnancy, focus on education, believe in their potential for greatness, learn the discipline that Mormonism through worthiness standards and missions ingrains, and have the tenderness, respect, and reverence for life which comes through spirituality and a God life. Once they hit adulthood and second half of life, I’d like them to stay to pass that on to their children, but as some of my children are getting to that stage, I find myself less concerned about them staying Mormon. They have those principles from first half of life, and they can choose what life is best for them.
So the challenge is to help them live a normal Mormon life and get them through that stage but not lying to them or training them to be overly naive and to cultivate their own sense of personal authority. Not that easy.
I like to ask them about Church or talk about Church and frame it like “some Mormons think this, some Mormons think a different way.” “Some people think that scripture story should be taken literally, some think it should be metaphorical.” “It’s OK to sustain the prophet while not agreeing 100% with what he says, but don’t just discount it immediately. Take some time to understand where the church is coming from on this.”
I bring in non-LDS voices to Family Home Evening or our one on one talks, like Jordan Peterson, Brennan Manning, Bono, Thich Naht Hahn, Brene Brown. But also emphasizing my love and belief in teachings of Jesus Christ, the Book of Mormon, or Elder Uchtdorf’s recent talk. I try to look to the positive side about the prophet, general authorities, their bishop, and other youth teachers.
Moral Authority – Commandments
With lack of belief in literal scripture or foundational claims, comes a reliance on personal authority in things like obeying the commandments. I believe in the fruits of the lived experience of Mormonism, which includes living the commandments. But if someone comes to personal belief that a certain commandment is not relevant to them, I think that’s fine.
Moral Authority – maintaining authentic perspective
It’s difficult to maintain the “Churchistrue Middle Way” perspective because you feel like a lone voice in the wilderness. You’re constantly hit with messages of the importance of right belief and orthodoxy that might make you feel inferior or inadequate. It’s easy to get offended by a conference talk or in a Gospel Doctrine class. You need a strong belief in your own moral authority and learn to hear those messages and understand where they come from, without taking offense.
Likewise, you get berated by messages from the other side, Exmormons and critics of the church that are telling you it’s stupid to try to stay. That you’re personally causing LGBT+ suicide by staying in the church. That the church is evil and just wants your money and you’re allowing it to exist by not standing up against it. Online, these messages are overwhelming. It seems the natural trajectory is to stop in the Middle Way category for a short time, but then after being bombarded by these critical messages, you eventually transition out. You don’t have to. You can kick back against those messages just like you kick back against the judgmental TBM voices.
Doing certain things is probably not as important as some LDS leaders are trying to convince you. But maybe. And the Mormon Church is probably not as bad or doing as much damage as some Exmormons are trying to convince you. But maybe.
It’s your life. It’s your personal authority. It’s important to empathize and understand, but it’s your decision how you act and what you think is a moral way to respond to those issues. Follow your own conscience. In LDS terms, that’s the Holy Ghost. It’s given to you for a reason. Sort out the noise and follow it.
Temple Recommend and Leadership Roulette
I’m going to get a little preachy here and maybe it’s a little of my justifying my position. I believe personally that to have a positive Mormon experience, you need to stay off the ward project list, you need to feel good about yourself interfacing with your friends at church. You’re not a second class citizen, and there’s no reason to put yourself in that situation. Most people enjoy doing some kind of calling, whether it be teaching or with the youth. Without a recommend, many bishops will not consider you for callings you’d like to have, you get talked about in Ward Council meeting, and when someone shows up on your doorstep with cookies, you always wonder why.
I think there are nuanced ways to come to understanding that you are worthy for a temple recommend and to answer the questions. I don’t think you should delegate that authority to a local leader. We have 30,000 wards. Each of those 30,000 bishops is going to interpret the temple recommend questions differently. It’s not fair to put your fate into that kind of randomness. Answer the questions yourself between you and God. I believe that God and nearly all of those 30,000 bishops want you in the temple if you’re attending church and engaging positively. I highly, highly disagree with the approach that some people say is the only authentic or honest way to answer a temple recommend question: “Bishop, I believe this and this and that, you tell me if it’s a yes or no.” It’s between you and God. Figure it out, then go in and answer yes or no.
I recently read a personal anecdote of someone in this category that went to the bishop with the expectation that they would be denied a temple recommend. The bishop helped the member understand they were worthy despite the extreme unorthodoxy and basically forced the member to accept the recommend and to go to the stake president interview and keep their mouth shut, answering yes, yes only. The person ended the story by saying “that bishop probably saved my marriage”. I thought NO NO NO NO. You save your own marriage. Don’t throw it out on the table for someone else to save for you.
Leadership roulette is a thing. Out of those 30,000 bishops, some are going to be harsh. Don’t expose yourself to be damaged by that. Minimize that risk.
Others will say you need to be authentic. And to get comfortable without a recommend. I disagree. That’s my personal preference, and when I look at others in the “Churchistrue Middle Way” pattern, I think life is easiest if they go that route.
Authenticity is important. It can sometimes feel inauthentic to sit in a class and disagree and feel like you have to hold your tongue. Serving in a calling or giving a talk or lesson where you have to dance around subjects is hard. Myself writing anonymously online is another example of the difficulty of feeling inauthentic. It’s a difficult thing. I think we should work towards being authentic, but be very careful not to go too far too fast.
We need to learn the difference between being authentic and self-disclosing in a way that’s not healthy. You wouldn’t announce on Facebook personal issues that would cause you awkwardness or damage your social life or career. Others need to earn your trust before you open up to them, including bishops.
Fiona Givens said something very important about “street cred”. When we show up, attend, serve, do our home ministering, we earn “street cred” that allows us to be a little edgy with our comments or teachings.
Also remember there is time and place for everything. Sunday School might not be the right time to give a list of Joseph Smith’s wives that were likely consummated sexually.
Affecting the church for positive change
Most people in this Middle Way probably have an idea that they can help change the Church for the good. I do. That’s an important goal for me. I completely disagree with those that say the Church never changes and there is nothing we can do as members to affect change. I believe in trickle up revelation. I believe we as a Body of Christ can affect what the prophet seeks and receives revelation on. I think we as individuals can have influence on our local wards, or online to others.
The trick is not to demand change. Or that the only reason you’re attending is because you think that’s how to affect change. If that’s the only reason you are attending, you definitely will burn out. Have faith in the long term and do your best, and focus on what you enjoy about the Church.
There’s a lot to this. I’ve written hundreds of pages on this topic over the years. In summary, I love the Mormon Church. I’m not an orthodox believer, and it causes some unique challenges for me, as I engage in Mormonism. But there are ways to navigate this and avoid the “burn out” that some do. I’ve been doing this for more than ten years, and I plan to do it the rest of my life.
I appreciate your mention of leadership roulette. My middle way is largely defined by who my bishop happens to be right now, and I’m sure this is the case for others as well.
Your post might be the one that resonates with me the most, at least on several points.
I don’t particularly agree with this one, though: “I believe that God and nearly all of those 30,000 bishops want you in the temple if you’re attending church and engaging positively.” Bishops, yes, God? Not as much. I hold a TR, and I don’t have any issue with a recommend interview as I am completely orthoprax, but for me and many women the temple is a very difficult experience due to the sexist and polygamous undertones. Our second class status is never made more clear than within its walls. Aside from that, there are many who don’t find it particularly compelling because it’s boring and repetitive (some would say meditative, I know–YMMV). There’s no “saving” element to it beyond one’s own ordinances, so I don’t really see the benefit (and for me there are drawbacks) to the repetitive attendance that is so frequently touted. It wasn’t encouraged that members attend repeatedly to the extent we are encouraged today until the last few decades. (The recommend also wasn’t used as a heuristic for “worthy member” until the mid-90s).
Jack, I believe there’s a lot we can do to minimize the risk and the negative effect of a bishop that’s hard on Middle Wayers, but I’m sure there’s a portion that are going to be difficult no matter what. Sorry to hear that. I’m speaking from “bishop privilege”, because mine have been really easy going that way.
Angela, I only emphasize the importance of a TR for social or ward status reasons. It might be that I overvalue that or that I’ve been in wards where that seemed very important, but it was for that reason. As far as the spiritual benefit you get from temple attendance, I think that’s personal and it’s very common for different aspects of Mormonism to mean more to some than others, so I’m not emphasizing the importance of the TR for temple attendance. If one is opting out of the temple recommend for protest reasons, I get that, that’s also a valid Middle Way, but that’s not the category of people I’m speaking to.
Thanks for this. I’ve been reading the Middle Way series with interest but this comes closest to my perspective. I am currently a stake president and I agree with your approach to answering temple recommend questions. I have encouraged the members I interview that if they feel they can honestly answer a question I am generally going to support them, and I try to give the same guidance to the bishops in our stake.
churchistrue, I neglected to say that my experience with my current bishop has been positive. He and I are about the same age (late 30s) and have similar-age kids, so I consider him a peer more than an authority figure, and he’s not a pushy alpha-male type anyway. He has bigger problems to deal with than my unorthodox attitude and controversial Sunday School comments. He’s a genuinely good man. But when the time comes for him to step down, one of the more fundamentalist members of my ward (who may already have me in his crosshairs) could take his place and make my middle-way path more treacherous.
This seems like the most general discussion of the Middle Way so far. Maybe this should have been the first post in the series.
So in your first list of bullet points you describe a MWM as: “Enjoys membership in the Church. Proud to be a Mormon. Membership is important to you. Wants their kids to stay Mormon. Wants the Church to survive and continue to be a positive force in the world.” It strikes me that the November Policy (Nov. 2015) and the recent retrenchment moves might have pushed some Middle Way types who previously would have affirmed this short description into saying, “Nope, don’t enjoy it anymore, not proud, don’t see the Church as a positive force anymore,” and left — either into quiet “leave me alone” inactivity or a formal resignation.
Keep it up and there won’t be any Middle Way types left, which would suit some leaders just fine, unless it turns out that it is 50% rather than 5% of the active membership who are covert Middle Wayers. I think leadership overestimates how committed a good chunk of the membership is to their increasingly conservative wish list of required beliefs and practices. Mormons will swallow a little bit of crazy, but there’s a limit.
Loved this post. Totally agree with your take on the temple recommend questions, these are totally yes/no and you need to use your personal authority to decide how you interpret them. Giving the decision over to your leaders can have some disastrous results. I think that a temple recommend is synonymous with church activity in a lot of wards and it’s difficult to remain engaged without one (even if you never go and don’t intend to go to the temple). I agree that it is up to personal authority to determine how you answer questions and what you share with others. I would recommend total honesty with a spouse, especially with lifestyle choices (WOW, garments, etc.). Even if you don’t believe that you need to wear garments 24/7 or have a different interpretation of the WOW, I would recommend having a discussion with your spouse before making any decisions to change lifestyle instead of trying to sneak around behind their back.
Also love the concept of street cred. I believe the average ward will put up with you being a little unorthodox and edgy if you show up and contribute. If you are trying to pick fights in Sunday School and constantly are a jerk to people you may not get such a warm welcome.
Thank you so much for this post! So many of the things that you speak of resonate with me—especially relying on my own inner moral authority. In my orthodox/more black and white days, I lived completely externally, never really checking in with how certain policies, doctrines, or historical problems made me FEEL. If I found myself disagreeing with something, I felt that the fault must be with myself and I would remind myself to follow the prophet and just be obedient. I really do feel like I am in the wilderness. I am recently returning from a several months break from church as I’ve been trying to build my boundaries and develop confidence in that inner authority. I am practicing being more authentic and less ashamed of my nuanced beliefs. I live in an area that is deeply saturated with Mormon culture, and it is hard to be confident in my own way without constantly comparing myself to the majority of large multi-generation Mormon families in my ward. Reading Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness has really helped me the last couple of years as I’ve tried to find a way to stay.
This post resonates with me, not on every point, but most of them.Like, I do believe in a resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Except one really big thing. The name Middle Way seems ridiculous. We need another name . Maybe “Another Way?”
I am curious about how many people are how far off the narrow way and how much this correlates with how much tithing they pay.
I genuinely wish that I could be a Middle Way Mormon. I tried for many years. But I’m gay, and the only way for me to save my own life and find happiness was to walk away.
I think situations like this are the stuff of tragedy. It doesn’t matter what you do, you’re still going to lose something.
Jeremiah, I wish I had words of comfort or advice. But words fail me.
One thing that wasn’t on your list was work for the dead. The Church expends a great deal of effort on this activity and I think it’s misplaced. I would like to see more emphasis on work for the living.
As for SS and other Church meeting, they are boring. I don’t go because I have better things to do with my time. And I have no interest in airing and discussing my “unorthodox” beliefs.
As for my children, I want them to find their own way. They are all currently active in Church, and that is great. If they choose another, that is fine.
I am 5th generation Mormon. But I have found by own way. I’m a product of genetics, environment, education, and inspiration (personal revelation?).
Jeremiah: Leaving is a viable option, so I hope you don’t feel judged or anything (I’ve left too). Best wishes on your journey.
Jeremiah, sorry to hear. I don’t advocate for all LDS to stay in the church at all costs. The church doesn’t work for everyone, and if it’s not, you should leave. My hope is that the LDS Church can work for everyone, and we can change policies and doctrines that are hurtful, especially for LGBT+, so that it will be more safe in the future.
My heart breaks for members like Jeremiah. I couldn’t imagine trying to navigate the church while being gay. If you have a testimony of the Book of Mormon and other church ordinances, it’s not easy to simply leave.
Hopefully you being in church will have a positive effect on other members and learn to see others as their brothers and sisters regardless of sexual orientation.
it definitely seems like we could have spent a little more time and thought into collectively defining what we mean by “middle way” at the start of the series, but I feel like we’re getting closer to a clearer picture the more voices are added to this series. If we take them all together they seem to coordinate for the most part: 1 there are a lot of different ways to arrive at the unorthodox but believing/practicing middle-way 2 different types of middle-waying may have different stressors and context that perhaps others in the same spot don’t deal with (leadership roulette, family who believes “once the leaders have spoken the thinking has been done,” etc.) 3 I think we all agree it’s somewhat more relaxed belief (personal authority>institutional) and in the minority.
Great post. Thanks.
Great post my friend. I have a lot of experience with this street cred thing you are talking about. I had a lot of it, lost it all, and am in the process of trying to win it back. It makes me a little mad that the 70 year old dude sitting next to me who silently is hoping for polygamy in the next life and who holds onto some racist and sexist viewpoints never loses any of his street cred. I bet people like that would be run out of the building in some areas of the world, but my ward is full of them. There are a couple old ward matriarchs that also spew forth absolute garbage and they don’t lose any street cred. Leadership roulette is one thing, but the fact of the matter is that the dynamics of each ward are very different. I might live in the most conservative ward in the most conservative stake in the world. Trying to make middle way work in this ward is damn near impossible.
I grew up in a “straight arrow” family where we were taught that leadership is always right. My freshman year at BYU was a nightmare because of a perverted bishop who caused myself and some other members to contemplate suicide because nobody believed us when we tried to tell others how warped and perverted he was. It took one of our group to actually follow through but not be successful in killing herself to get this man kicked out of his calling and exed. From then on I’ve had a very different view of Church leadership. They have to earn my respect before I will willingly follow them. This has made for interesting times when I’ve had bishops who are into the whole power thing. Also, I have a problem with the push to get kids married so young and have huge families. I didn’t marry until I was 30, and I was considered to be a pariah in family wards. I was only able to have one child because of health reasons. Again, this put me on the outside of my ward. Right now I’m blessed to have an aunt, three nieces and many dear lady friends who are over 30 and have no prospect of marriage in the near future. They are bright, intelligent women who don’t count in our church because of their non-marital status. What’s wrong with this picture? When I go to church I feel like everyone is just going through the motions. It breaks my heart. The only time Jesus seems to be mentioned is at the end of prayers, during the sacrament, and sometimes when we sing the hymns. We call ourselves the Church of Jesus Christ. Where is He these days? If He were really the true reason we worship together wouldn’t we be seeing lives changed? Perhaps my experience is different from the others expressed here, but yes, I do consider myself a Middle Way/Unorthodox member of the Church.
I plan to get TR renewed this month. Some months ago I listened to John Dehlin discuss nuancing the TR interview and had come to conclusions much like your instructions. I don’t know if I will ever attend again but I want to be prepared if a niece or nephew gets married.
I have a hard time with “nuancing” the temple recommend questions and still feeling honest. I haven’t renewed mine both because I have no desire to attend and also because I feel I would have to lie to receive one. I do not believe in a historical BoM, I don’t believe in a literal priesthood power, or a literal resurrection. How can this be nuanced and still honest?
Furthermore, I drink coffee and occasionally have a glass of wine when I get together with my sister. How can that be nuanced? It seems like I would just be making an excuse to be dishonest in order to still get the “full Mormon experience.” I believe in authenticity and honesty. Basically, I’m an agnostic atheist who is still mormon. I can’t even get past the first temple recommend question, let alone all of them. For me “nuancing” feels like going too far and still maintaining my integrity.