When I was about to start third grade, my dad got me a used bike with a fresh coat of paint. A major’s son who was temporarily in the same housing we were in came over and scratched up all the paint, telling everyone that the bike looked “too nice for an enlisted man’s son.” He was not disciplined for it.
That was my introduction to gatekeeping — people deciding that I had no right to speak, to be heard or to even be if I wasn’t on their terms. Sometimes it is because I’m just a kid who lives in the trailer park. Sometimes for other reasons.
I recently had a friend who experienced something similar. I’m quoting him, anonymously, but with permission:
Just shoot me now. Ugh.
Guy on FB talking about a condition he knows nothing about. I point out he’s wrong. He says I am “privileged” and what would I know. I point out that I actually have the condition he is talking about and verify he does not have said condition.
I point out he cannot possibly understand actually having the condition and me as someone who has the condition disagrees with his assessment.
Think that would be the end of it? Think an apology and “hey thanks I learned something new from someone who actually knows? Of course not. I get a lesson in all the illogical facilities he’s been using and now accused me of.
Even a “Look, I have this and you do not” doesn’t help.
Fricking TKX’s insisting they are “kind” to the very people they think they are helping even when those people say directly to them “this is not helping. Please stop.”
Nothing like being told by someone who has no idea who you are that you are wrong about you. lol
My friend has a health condition. Someone else wants to claim virtue for “helping” people with that condition and to claim a deeper understanding of the condition than my friend has. When my friend tells the guy that that guy isn’t helping, the guy’s response is that the guy is a gatekeeper entitled to tell anyone — including people with the condition — what the real facts are.
Often the person who claims to be a gatekeeper claims higher status, often from being an academic or the member of the right social circle. That status entitles them to control and to make determinations that others are not entitled to make.
I’ve seen it in a number of circumstances.
I was about to make a list, and it hit me that there is no way to make a list that doesn’t insult some well meaning person.
So, instead, I thought I’d ask our readers about their encounters with gatekeepers.
Have you ever had anyone tell you that you were not entitled to talk on a subject because you had not passed muster with someone who felt entitled to be a gatekeeper?
Share your story.
Wheat & Tares 
Not to be confused with the inverse, such as my friend — if it is possible to tell the difference between gatekeepers and those inside the gates.
I come across as a fairly capable and happy person.
Too many times in my life, I have been told that it is obvious to the observer that I have never experienced any sort of difficulty or problem. I am told that it is obviously that so do not know what it is like to suffer or struggle.
Those comments are made by individuals who I have interacted with on a superficial basis in an academic or professional basis.
Once, I was told that it was hard to feel sorry for me when my child died because I appeared to be handling it so well. The person telling me this felt that her grief was more significant because Princess Diana died, Mother Theresa died, and my daughter had all died that week. She felt that I was partly to blame for her horrible week.
I used to try to argue and attempt to display my “street credentials of misery”. It made no difference. Now, I just smile and respond with a vague comment about everyone having trials in life.
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately as I keep running into people who insist I’m not a ‘real’ mormon (or I don’t really know Christ or some other way of making it clear I am inferior) because I don’t think/believe/agree with _______________. It’s happening more and more frequently on the bloggernacle and seems to come from both orthodox members and exmos alike. I wonder if the active but non-orthodox community has gotten big (loud) enough that other members/exmembers feel pushed to throw up boundaries and gates.
I would actually say that in an internet age we are all gatekeepers. Some with wider and smaller audiences. I imagine way more people get news and commentary from this site versus say my Facebook page. (And thank heavens! I’m a real nut!) but being a gatekeeper seems inevitable!
Actually I was a broadcast journalism major which primed my understanding for what gatekeeping ment. And much of your concerns initially sounded like a lot of discussions. Who are the media to tell people what information is good and relevant. Upon reading it a second time I can see I misread it. My apologies.
I’ve been disqualified from conversations my entire life because of the fact that I grew up in Appalachia. I’ve been patronized by people from dozens of countries and four continents because of the geographic location my adoptive parents chose to build a house. I have lost friends and I have had long term relationships crumble because someone suddenly felt that my credentials were insufficient to allow me to have an opinion, let alone to speak.
It hurts. It will hurt again, the next time it happens. I’m not sure there’s any way to prevent it short of living as a recluse.
Or getting over dumb people deciding who gets to have an opinion. ‘ Whatever’ can be a useful word.
Just to say, being a grown up all the time can be very demanding, and I really appreciate the maturity shown in these examples. Particularly Damascene.
Great thoughts, Stephen. It’s easy to become a gatekeeper without even realizing it and thus end up making others feel unimportant or insignificant. This is a great reminder to be more aware of possibly being a gatekeeper at times. Thank you.
McKenzie, I’m so sorry.
Cody, thank you.
Jason, I enjoyed your comments.