A tweet thread this week has me thinking about how people cope with grudges against others. Conventional wisdom tells us that holding a grudge is a burden for the one holding it, but not for the one they blame for their woes. And yet, history shows that holding grudges is very human.
https://twitter.com/samuelpalin/status/900096483562835968
One of the cool things I have seen in my travels is found at the Bath Museum in England. The city is built on an ancient Roman spring that was used as a public bath, guarded by the goddess Sulis Minerva. Among the ancient artifacts housed in the museum are ancient curses that were found in the bottom of the spring. The curses were written between 200 and 400 A.D. by patrons of the baths, asking the goddess to avenge the wrongs done to them by other citizens. The curses were inscribed, mostly in British Latin (a colloquial Latin used by the Romano-British population at the time for our linguistic readers), on small rectangular metal tabs (lead alloyed with tin and traces of copper for our metallurgist readers). In some cases, the wrongdoers are identified. The wronged person turns the stolen goods over to the goddess and asks that she inflict the perpetrator until the goods are returned. Here are some examples of the curses:
“Solinus to the goddess Sulis Minerva. I give to your divinity and majesty [my] bathing tunic and cloak. Do not allow sleep or health to him who has done me wrong, whether man or woman or whether slave or free unless he reveals himself and brings those goods to your temple.”
This one doesn’t discriminate on the basis of religion:
“Whether pagan or Christian, whether man or woman, whether boy or girl, whether slave or free whoever has stolen from me, Annianus [son of] Matutina (?), six silver coins from my purse, you, Lady Goddess, are to exact [them] from him. If through some deceit he has given me…and do not give thus to him but reckon as (?) the blood of him who has invoked his upon me.”
Apparently, some thief was consistently stealing exactly six coins. This one give three suspects:
“I have given to the goddess Sulis the six silver coins which I have lost. It is for the goddess to exact [them] from the names written below: Senicianus and Saturninus and Anniola.”
If the glove does not fit, you must acquit:
“Docimedis has lost two gloves and asks that the thief responsible should lose their minds [sic] and eyes in the goddess’ temple.”
I think the corrupt Senator from the X-Men movie did this:
“May he who carried off Vilbia from me become liquid as the water. May she who so obscenely devoured her become dumb”
Even the silent witnesses are cursed by this one:
“…so long as someone, whether slave or free, keeps silent or knows anything about it, he may be accursed in (his) blood, and eyes and every limb and even have all (his) intestines quite eaten away if he has stolen the ring or been privy (to the theft).”
One thing I always enjoy about history is that the more society progresses, the human heart remains more or less the same. In fact, since several of these relate to things being stolen by other patrons while bathers were enjoying the spa, it’s no surprise that when I went to the Spa in Bath the next day, I lost 40 pounds! Not in weight, unfortunately–in British Pounds Sterling. I also had a pair of flip flops stolen borrowed when I was at the Masjid Sultan mosque in Singapore. What was really insulting is that a man took them. He did, however, eventually return them, but in the meantime I had to stand around shoeless, waiting for him to finish his ablutions so I could catch the train home.
Returning to the original question posed by the Tweeter, “tell me your oldest, most cherished grudge.” Here are a few of mine:
- Not still a grudge, mind you, but one of my very earliest memories was going to Cypress Gardens when I was under 2 years old. I was still in a stroller. My older sister got this plastic thing you stuck into an orange to let you suck the juice right out, and I didn’t have one. I felt downright murderous about the injustice of it. Nobody appreciated me! Then, my mom got me one, and it was the sweetest thing I had ever tasted.
- A rather similar story actually–we were in Mazatlan at the beach as a family, and I was the only one who didn’t get a ridiculous looking bit floppy straw hat with flowers on it. I have photographic evidence for this one.
I’m actually not a big grudge holder–I usually forget my grievances–so I can’t think of any more.
- Are any of you more successful holders of grudgers than I am?
- What are your oldest grudges?
- Do you hold fewer grudges the older you get or more of them?
- In your experience, do Mormons hold grudges more or less than other people?
Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
I’ve always thought of myself as a grudge-holder, but in retrospect I’m not, really. There are a couple of things I recall, that I tease people about, but I’m not really still angry. When we had been married about 10 years, my wife threw out a large and somewhat rusty toy dump truck that I had received on my very first Christmas, on the grounds that our kids might hurt themselves playing with it. I do razz her about it sometimes, but I’m not really angry. I think as I’ve aged, I have many fewer resentments than I used to, and I don’t develop them or nurture them like I used to (thank you, AA).
My spouse also donated a bunch of clothes and shoes to Goodwill, including a pair of Italian military surplus boots I had acquired on my mission (on the grounds that I didn’t “need” more than one pair of boots). It had taken me almost the entire two years to find a pair in my size, as I run quite a bit bigger than the Italian average. I might still bear a little grudge on that one, although it did help us learn how differently we each view possessions (her casually, me possessively). She’s never thrown out anything of mine without asking, since then. 🙂
Fun post!
I love the idea of writing the grudges down and sending them to the Goddess to deal with (not so much keeping them in the freezer so you never forget). I’m not a grudge holder at all. I don’t know why that is (personality trait likely), but in the few situations where I have a hard time letting something go I turn it over to God. I have to do it intentionally: saying a prayer, describing the situation, and then letting Him know it and the other person/people are his problem to deal with.
I don’t love so much the people in Bath telling the Goddess how they should deal with a problem. I’d think that would make me hyper focused on waiting for the bad thing to happen, perhaps even gloating if it did happen, or trying to make the revenge happen myself.
Was this holding a grudge?: “The oath of vengeance was an addition made to the Nauvoo endowment under the direction of Brigham Young by 1845 in the Nauvoo Temple, soon after the 1844 death of Joseph Smith. Participants agreed to be bound by the following oath:
You and each of you do covenant and promise that you will pray and never cease to pray to Almighty God to avenge the blood of the prophets upon this nation, and that you will teach the same to your children and to your children’s children unto the third and fourth generation.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oath_of_vengeance
That covenant was not removed from the endowment until the 1930s. I’m glad my grandparents did not keep that covenant. They and subsequent generations have been blessed for their failure/choice not to do so.
I hold fewer grudges (by any definition) as I get older. Still some might characterize as grudge-holding what I view as mere self-protection. I suspect that variations in grudge holding have the same range among Mormons as among non-Mormons.
I think the only grudges I’m keeping are for my abusers, one for each of them. Not sure how I’m going to be able to let those go. At the least, they get not to get much thought (except for in posts like this)
I’m not a grudge holder but I’m fascinated by the lengths some will go to avenge or remember their grudges. In the case of the goddess Minerva you mentioned, I wonder if those asking the goddess to avenge them were at all helped by the process. It seems that it could be cathartic if it helps one let go of the grudge; however it also seems like it could amplify the grudge as one checks in on the suspects to see if the goddess has exacted revenge.
Of course, Cypress Gardens is now Legoland Florida. We went there last year and had a blast.
I think whatever grudges I have are unconscious. I certainly don’t nurse them or try to hold on to them, but I have noticed that I tense up a little when it comes to certain people I’ve had a bad experience with. It’s not that they hurt me that badly or that it makes any sort of sense not to completely forgive them, so a bit of shortcoming on my part I’d say. It probably requires conscious effort to overcome, but as I don’t ever think about them, I never adequately overcome them.
My experience is similar to Martin – logically I can understand and forgive someone’s actions, but I can tell there’s a residual emotional resentment when I’m around certain people or share certain stories. One of my parents was a super grudge holder (even about people/families that wronged ancestors). I had another parent who worked hard to teach the importance of not holding grudges (while still protecting yourself). I’m fully aware how toxic it can be, but I can’t say I’m totally successful at avoiding grudges.
In your experience, do Mormons hold grudges more or less than other people?
I would say that one thing that does nudge Mormons to hold grudges is that we are taught that we MUST forgive others mixed in with a tendency to be a bit passive aggressive. I have seen this tends to not want confrontation when sometimes that would help. We feel somewhat more than others that we shouldn’t even bring up issues because we have not already done our part to forgive. And when we just can’t let it go, we subconsciously hold on to it and often ( consciously or subconsciously) take small pot shots at the person.
There are very few people that I feel I hold anything of a grudge. I could just be lying to myself, but I just feel like I am giving people more power if I let them get to me. I just feel like moving on.
The only real grudge I feel I have now is the biggest one I have ever had to work through – that of feeling like my church lied to me big time.
Happy Hubby has a good point – we are required to forgive people, so we do – but then we resent having been forced to forgive them. Being human is complicated. 🙂
I guess by the 1930s, the 3rd or 4th generation was come, so the Oath of Vengeance could be removed from the endowment. I think I would have found that even stranger than I did the penalties. Fortunately, I was endowed after an 8-hour, sleepless overnight bus trip (we’d go to Chicago, pre-Saint Paul Temple) and I was so tired you probably could have had me covenant to dynamite the building and I wouldn’t have noticed. I sleepwalked through it, basically.
I don’t try very hard to overcome my grudges. I pretty much treasure them.
My oldest grudge is probably about The Egg Route. My parents provided the station wagon, the gasoline, the eggs and the customer base. My sisters provided the time and labor. I’m sure it was a dreaded chore every Friday afternoon, but those sisters had money to put away for college, plus a little more with which to buy Mad Magazine or records or french fries.
When it came my turn to inherit the route, Mom and Dad pulled the plug. Granted, I was much younger and more irresponsible than the previous heirs. But my Friday-afternoon freedom meant poverty, and it turned me into the family’s beggar, thief and whiner.
Soon, the college years came. Being a good money-saver (since I never acquired the habit of buying Mad Magazine, et al, since I didn’t know what having money to fritter way felt like) I paid for the big ticket items, then asked for a little subsidy to cover groceries. I got it for a few months, but it came with a lot of attitude, like: Your sisters managed. What’s the matter with you?
As I get older, I want less of the suffering that comes with grudges. I have a current object of grudgery. I’ve tried praying for this woman. It works when we’re far apart, not so much when we’re in the same room. But I just heard a great hint from my favorite radio advice-giver: “Accept the fact that this person has in inaccurate perception of you.” Would you like me to report on how well this advice works?
As for Mormons holding more or less grudges, commenters on this thread act as though grudges are like dessert; we shouldn’t indulge. Do we really deny ourselves? Or do we hide them , even from ourselves?