Wheat & Tares is pleased to feature today’s guest post.
Mormons clearly value happiness on Earth, and they have the pithy quotes to prove it. If you ask me (and nobody is) happiness is pretty much the point of any spiritual journey. I mean, deep down, the idea of eternal bliss after death ought to make life pretty enjoyable. It’s like having your house paid off.
Which leads me to the Duchenne smile. I’m sure you’ve seen or taken photos of kids flashing a big wide—and clearly fake—smile. You know it’s fake, but you can’t quite pin it down. Something about the eyes? You’d be correct. In a true smile, the eyes crinkle a bit, and that’s what makes it genuine.
Play a game with me. Cover the faces of these three women just below their eyes and examine the faces individually. What’s your sense for each person? Happiness? Pride? Distain? Judgement? Fear? Arrogance? There’s no right answer. Just give it a shot.
My wife and I have traveled and lived in lots of places, and we spent a few years in Utah, but moved away a couple of years ago. We viewed Mormon culture and Mormons with fresh eyes, and what we saw was a certain superficiality. We got the sense that many of the Mormons we interacted with tried hard to appear happy and successful, but we sensed an underlying despair.
We moved to Utah with no preconceptions. We had barely heard of Mormons nor the LDS Church. We had never met Mormon missionaries. We knew nothing about the culture, the religion, nor the people. Both of us, independently, sensed things weren’t right. For us, it was like living a fake smile.
Leaving aside polls, statistics, testimonies, and anecdotes, what’s your own personal sense about the happiness of Utah Mormons, in particular, or Mormons in general? Is happiness on Earth an important aspect of religious experience, or is it something to be deferred to the after-life?
Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
Personally, the *only* reason I go to church is because it makes me happier than if I don’t go. I have no clue why that is, and I’ve actually tried to figure it out.
I am kind of wondering about other people. Does going to church or being a Mormon or whatever actually make you happier? How do you know that? If it doesn’t make you happier or makes you less happy, do you think it ought to? What reason(s) other than happiness motivate you to be religious?
Reading blue to yellow: happy, crazy, nervous/afraid.
This post asks good questions. It’s the hardest thing in the world to get inside another person’s head or heart, though we often behave as if it’s one of the easiest things, so I don’t really want to comment on the three women in the picture since I have no idea whether they’re happy or not. I can only speak to my own experiences of the past thirty years in the LDS culture.
Some observations about happiness/the lack of it in my LDS experience:
1. Your comment about underlying despair really resonates with me. I’ve spent three decades interacting with Mormons and, IMHO (and in my incredibly small sampling) Mormons seem pretty unhappy when compared to the non-members I’ve known. I think this bizarre obsession we have with “being perfect” and becoming celestial candidates leads to a lot more despair and hopelessness than it does to joy. Mormons as a group seem to set impossibly high goals for themselves in terms of behavior, etc. And the funny thing is that no one seems able to articulate specifics. I have never had anyone explain to me in even vague detail what a potential candidate for the celestial kingdom acts like or thinks like. Or, for that matter, what the celestial kingdom will be like.
2. We seem to want to need the gospel perhaps even more than we should. I hear a lot of lessons, talks, etc. that place the absolute, utmost importance on pretty abstract things like the atonement, charity, “perfect love,” “the family,” etc. It’s almost like we feel an intense need to manufacture an intense need for these things. We talk about the plan of happiness and our missionaries spend a lot of their time trying to convince people that this is THE ONLY TRUE CHURCH and a lot of people say, “No thanks, I’m good.” I think if we just relaxed and weren’t so neurotic and anxiety-ridden about things, we’d be a lot healthier as a group.
3. In a related vein to no. 2, one reason for the lack of happiness is the lack of knowledge about where we’re really headed. All we’re taught, despite a lot of fancy rhetoric from the pulpit is: after Judgement Day, we’ll be with our families and with God. That’s it. We really have no clue about what this amazing destination is going to be like. Again, if we took it down a notch, it might help. I’m certainly no candidate for sainthood and have more flaws than most other people, but I’m not really up for being a God/some other kind of celestial being since I have no idea what that looks like. On the other side, I just want to be able to read some good books, play in a really good band and eat pie without getting fat. Maybe I’m settling for less and selling short my eternal legacy, but I sure seem to be a lot more relaxed and content than the folks at church who zealously strive for perfection.
4. The last thing. Back to underlying despair. In my calling, I get to visit a lot of units and talk with a fair amount of folks in some position of church leadership. I think one reason for the rampant dissatisfaction and unhappiness I see is that a lot of the people I meet followed the standard Mormon path: Serve a mission, go to BYU, get married (preferably at a young age) in the temple, have lots of children (and don’t worry about how much they cost) and get a good job/learn to be a good homemaker, give lots of your spare time to the church. A lot of the folks I see who did this in their 20s and 30s are now in their 40s and they feel cheated. They’re exhausted and financially stretched by having had a lot of kids, they trained for a job (mostly the men) that may have paid okay, but wasn’t personally fulfilling, their kids won’t move out until they (the parents) are in their 50s and then what? I think a lot of them are staring down a long road that doesn’t seem to get any brighter and many of them are wondering about the choices they made.
To answer the question about earthly vs. heavenly happiness, I think it’s important to try to achieve both. I don’t think it’s healthy to live a life of constant deferral and misery with the vague hope that, once we reach the other side, it will get better. Truth be told, we have no idea what it will be like. Best to try to find some sort of balance between happiness here and happiness in the afterlife. Sadly, I’m not sure how much the church can really help individuals with that. I think if your religion doesn’t help make you happy in this life, it might not do much good in the next life either. My .02.
Elder Anderson:
Going to church doesn’t make me happier, but trying to be like Jesus and connecting with people does. Speaking only for me, I wouldn’t stay a member of this church if it made me less happy rather than more.
In the photo, I see Power Rangers. I can never unsee it.
As for happiness, I agree that it ought to be the “purpose and design of our existence” Is livid Mormonism and related culture the surest and best path to get there? I don’t kow. It certainly seems to be the surest and best path to busyness.
OH FOR CRYIN-OUT-LOUD!
My dear old departed mother used to say “if you go to church looking for something to gripe about, you’ll find it”. Smiles aren’t automatic, especially if you’re posing for a picture.
When my family visited Temple square, we had a very happy experience; only to find some screwball outside an entrance ranting about something in the church he didn’t like. Whose demeanor better represents the members?
Well, the author did say it was a *game*. 🙂
Hard to tell from your comment. Are you mostly feeling (a) happy, (b) grumpy, or (c) resigned to your fate? 🙂
Going to church usually gives me anxiety. The sacrament is important to me and it’s the most valuable part of my week – so I go. I feel happier when I’m serving others rather than sitting in a class patting myself on the back abt how awesome I am (srsly, most of what our lessons turn into) — so I often volunteer in the primary.
I don’t think that Mormonism has anything extra that adds to happiness that other groups haven’t found in other ways. Other groups think they’ll get to live as families in heaven. Other groups use the atonement (repentance & forgiveness) to bless their own lives and others. I think part of the disconnect is that we so desperately want to believe that we have what true happiness is — and others don’t. When we experience cognitive dissonance (others w more happiness/us w less) we force our experiences into the true happiness box. A “whatever I have now is happiness” stance, if you will. Sounds like quiet desperation to me.
Not to say that we don’t have teachings or truths that help or that others find valuable – there’s a reason we have converts…
I’m with Kristine A. We, as Mormons, love to think we have a corner on the truth and happiness market, and we simply don’t. And I think your point about how Mormons respond to cognitive dissonance is spot on. And too bad. Quiet desperation, indeed.
@Kristine A
“The sacrament is important to me and it’s the most valuable part of my week”
I’m intrigued by this phrase in the context of your entire post. I’m not being snarky here. The sacrament is the most valuable part of your week, but it doesn’t make you feel happy, but anxious? What makes the sacrament so valuable, then? What exactly makes you anxious?Is it the disconnect between the desire to attend versus your inner experience of it?
@Kristine A
…. or maybe I should ask:
What would you like to change so as to feel happy and relaxed about attending sacrament?
Sin avoidance isn’t happiness rather it’s unhappiness avoidance. Following your Prophet, SP or Bishop isn’t happiness (unless you’re close to being one of the least common denominators), following Christ is happiness. Turning off your mind and immersing yourself in activity isn’t happiness, it’s distraction. Pretending to be happy so you’ll be accepted at church isn’t happiness it’s faking it. Pretending to have a testimony so you’ll be accepted at church isn’t happiness it’s a lie. Pretending to “live the gospel” so you’ll be accepted at church isn’t happiness, it’s hypocrisy.
http://www.sltrib.com/home/2952330-155/study-utah-is-the-happiest-state
Apparently Utah has some of the highest indicators of happiness:
“The survey puts Utah in first place in two of the three broad categories — “work environment” and “community, environment and recreational activities.” Utah ranks fourth in the third category, “emotional and physical well-being.” Utah, the survey found, has the lowest divorce rate, the lowest number of work hours, and the highest volunteerism rate — all indicators of happiness, according to the survey. Utah has the fifth-lowest obesity rate, sixth-lowest in long-term unemployment, and sixth-best in safety. Utah ranks 10th in income growth, 12th on the “hedonometer” (a measure of general happiness), and 13th for adequate sleep.”
But if you click on this link, you may see a banner add above the article for Alpine Plastic Surgery, advertising boob enhancement (or maybe that’s just what google thinks I need). This illustrates a certain paradox in the LDS happiness bubble.
@Nate
Hair implants for me. Apparently my boobs are big enough. 🙂
Interesting article. When we lived in the valley (since moved out of state) it got pretty stinky, but other parts are more pristine environment-wise. Not sure how volunteerism ties to being happy (according to the survey, not you). Agree with “community” and “recreation”. They have tons of those, for sure.
So, do you conclude that (a) Mormons are happy or (b) the predominance of Mormon culture makes Utah look happy, or (c) Utah would be a happy state with or without Mormons?
@Nate
Just for fun, I googled states ranked by happiness and I several lists with a variety of states making the top 5. Caveat being that a particular survey in a particular year ranked Utah as the happiest state. Other surveys and years might have a different result.
There was a timely article on happiness in The Atlantic today: http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/why-so-many-smart-people-arent-happy/479832/
The article talks about 3 things that create happiness:
1-having meaningful social relationships
2-being good at whatever it is one spends one’s days doing
3-having the freedom to make life decisions independently
As far as Mormonism goes, the church (like any community) mostly helps on the first one–with the caveat Howard in #12 mentions about not faking who you are. In my experience, my ward family is really like a family. Miscellaneous weirdos with common stories, but we basically have each others’ backs in a pinch.
On the second and third ones, I think those who take the church’s counsel too seriously about marrying young, lots of kids and single income household are at peril to erode both their job satisfaction and their freedom to make future choices. So it’s a mixed bag.
I do think that we need to re-evaluate the advice we dispense for a couple of reasons. One size doesn’t fit all. Plus, we focus a lot on eternal families without really focusing that much on how we make them great (realistically) here in this life. The recent focus on “multi-generational” families and Sabbath day observance is an interesting factoid, but it’s not a great thing to tell parents who are now white-knuckled in fear that their kids are going to “break the chain” and ruin their perfect Mormon family. If we can’t love our kids in the here and now without regard to our own familial spiritual legacy, are we worthy of an eternal family?
Elder Anderson, hair implants, boob implants, its all about being unhappy with our bodies.
Here is a screenshot of another more ironic article with the same boob banner add:
@Nate
Classic! And you know those kids are pushing the modesty thing as close to the edge as possible. At that age it’s all about testing the limits and messing with those old people age 30+ old people.
I was a Mormon for 50 years. I did everything right, read the scriptures daily, prayed, had family home evening, went to the temple monthly and everything else you could imagine.
Two years ago, I left the church on my own terms, not because I was lazy, prideful, offended or wanted to sin.
The last two years have been the happiest of my life. Life as a Mormon brought me nothing but anxiety and misery. Life post-Mormon has been wonderful.
I was a member for 50 years. My resignation was processed by quitmormon.com just a few hours ago. I was always happy as a member. The people are mostly really good. I discovered the history of the church and realized it was all demonstrably false. I haven’t been back to church in over four months. I am happier than ever before. Things make sense and my family is no longer divided. Leaving the church is the best thing I could do for my happiness. My advice, learn the truth for yourself and get out.
Yes, I think Mormons are generally happy, excepting the crowd who post on sites like this one.
Sunday is my family’s least favorite day of the week, so I suppose happiness would be half mormon or none.
@ji
1. What “crowd” and what do you mean “sites like this one”? It’s run by active Mormons and active Mormons comment here.
2. Assuming you are Mormon, are you personally happy?
3. When you say “Mormons are generally happy” what makes you say that? Just the Mormons you happen to know? What about Mormons living elsewhere?
4. Are you claiming Mormons are happy just to defend Mormonism, or do you honestly think that they are?
5. Do you consider “Are Mormons Happy?” to be a fair question to ask?
@Brother Sky
“Going to church doesn’t make me happier…”
You’re the second person to say this so far. For me, church is uplifting because the inside looks, sounds, and even smells beautiful. I like hearing the music, I especially like to sing, the sermon is useful to hear, and the prayers and rituals are comforting and familiar. I also like being surrounded by happy families, though I rarely interact other than shaking the priest’s hand on the way out. It even sounds happy as I write it. 🙂
So why doesn’t going to church make you happy? Are there personal aspects as well as aspects perhaps common to other Mormons?
A couple of posters mentioned feeling anxious. What do you think that’s about?
Consider this honestly and without judgment for at least 4 minutes before you condemn me.
You are not more happy when you go to church, you are less anxious than if you don’t. That’s a big difference. It’s the feeling that you SHOULD go that draws you, much moreso than the belief that the content of a particular Sundays talks or lessons will make you happier than you were before.
Going to LDS church does not make me happy. It’s (almost always) a boring, stoic, prospecting experience to encounter a few worthwhile gospel nuggets per 3 hour investment. The hymns themselves do make me happy as they remind me of my youth in the church. Gong to Saddleback Christian church always, ALWAYS makes me happy and I feel the spirit far more often and more intensly there than in my ward, however much of this is music related, I freely admit the LDS gospel is far richer and deeper but it’s boots on the ground pratical application on a typical Sunday leaves sooo much to be desired.
I was never happy as a Mormon. I desperately tried to be. I did all the right things. I resigned formally last week and that step has lifted sucha weight and burden off my chest, I cannot even describe.
I feel lighter and happier than I ever have, and I don’t really live all that differently. Still have family prayer with everyone, and help get my wife and kids off to church. My life is the same as it was. I just feel happier. More open to possibilities. Less obligated to something that seems to move farther and farther away from what seems right and decent.
@Pete
I have tried very hard to figure out “scientifically” why going to church makes me feel better, to use a neutral word.
Whatever “better” is absolutely includes reduced anxiety. It’s a feeling like happieness + peace + stress immunity.
I normally go to church because I want to. Nobody in our circle really cares either way. It’s just me and my wife. There’s no peer pressure.
I usually almost always enjoy the sermon. It’s usually some positive reminder. I absolutely love the music and singing. I enjoy the atmosphere of the inside of the church and the comfort of rituals.
You could be right. I certainly don’t think it’s anything supernatural.
I do remember at the most recent UVU Mormon studies conference they said there’s only one thing all mormons who leave the church have in common: the loss of belief that you need to be a member of the church to be happy
P.S. We aren’t Mormon, so church services for us are a tad different.
In answer to Anderson’s question:
I find happiness and joy in my membership as far as doctrine of the Gospel: faith, repentance, sacrament, atonement, service, etc. It’s the other 2.5 hours of church that give me anxiety.
Elder A:
There are a few reasons. In 30 years, I’ve just gotten tired of hearing the same tired spiritual cliches from the pulpit. I also feel like we, as a church, are really smug. I find a lot of the discussions/lessons in Sunday school end up revolving around some version of “and thus we see, we’re the only ones who really know what’s going on.” I actually find that spiritually damaging rather than uplifting.
And socially, I’m an outcast. I’ve said things over the pulpit like: women should have the priesthood, the church should support and nurture gay marriage, gender is fluid, not fixed, stuff like that. These are things that not a single person at my work (I teach at a university) would even bat an eyelash at, but at church it gets me shunned. I try hard not to be flip or purposely controversial, but I do give my interpretation of the gospel as I see it. I’m not bitter about this, it just means I don’t have a ton of people at church with whom I have gospel perspectives in common.
Lastly, I don’t know a lot of happy families in my ward. They’re all (certainly including my own) more dysfunctional than functional and frankly, not a lot of them look thrilled to be at church either. Also, it’s great that you like the music, but for me, it’s actually part of the problem. No offense at all intended, but when I hear the deep, sublime longing and pain and love in songs like the Swan Silvertones’ “Savior, Pass Me Not” or the Soul-Stirrers “Jesus Gave Me Water,” our songs just sound so lame. It’s like we’re trying to avoid any sort of complex, deeply emotional response to God or our world and instead want to sing workman-like hymns about pioneers. Personally, I’d much rather listen to Purple Rain, but I get that Prince’s music isn’t everyone’s ideal spiritual conduit.
About music: I miss the old time Presbyterian hymns I was raised on. My wife is Catholic so we go there. I find the music kind of unfamiliar. Now I feel better. At least it’s not about pioneers. 🙂
Brother Sky, thanks so much for your posts. Very informative.
Elder A:
You’re welcome. No worries.
BTW, Purple Rain was one of my all time favorites back in the day. I’d almost forgotten getting all dressed up to go to the disco. Seems like a lifetime away.
This is one of the most refreshingly honest and respectful threads I’ve read in a long time. Thank you to all who’ve commented.
Don’t judge the happiness of Mormons in general by the happiness of people in Utah. One of the elements of that ethereal “Utah Mormon Culture” people detest is the fake veneer of happiness.
I don’t think Mormons have the market on happiness, but (as has been pointed out) we often insist we should (culturally and/or doctrinally). If you are of the mindset that every moment of your life you are a representative/missionary for the church, you will inevitably feel pressure to constantly exude happiness and contentment in order to reflect well on the church. Most humans aren’t naturally happy 24/7, so sometimes people of this mindset will feel some pressure to put on a veneer of happiness so as to not make the church look bad. It’s a nasty side effect of “every member a missionary.”
Even talking within a group of Mormons, often you’ll feel some pressure to put a positive spin on things. Grief at deaths becomes inappropriate because we have the unique knowledge of the plan of salvation. Money’s tight? Don’t worry – as long as you pay your tithing and have faith it’ll work out. You can’t fear anything if you have enough faith! Going through a rough patch? Clearly God must have a lot of trust in you because he’s helping you grow – embrace it! Even though we believe in mourning with those who mourn, comforting those who need comfort, and helping those who need help, we ironically have a culture that discourages members from mourning or asking for comfort and help.
The stoic self-sufficiency and pressure of appearing happy do more to discourage happiness among mainstream members than anything, I think. Once people start realizing it’s okay to ask for help, it’s okay to be bummed out, it’s okay to let others see the real you, warts and all, members tend to be much happier. Like Hawk said, “In my experience, my ward family is really like a family. Miscellaneous weirdos with common stories, but we basically have each others’ backs in a pinch.”
I’m an introvert so I’m never in a great mood about going to church, but it’s incredibly rare for me to come home without some positive benefit (it’s happened, it’s just rare). Meeting together has a lot of good purposes in addition to partaking of the sacrament.
Mary Ann: “The stoic self-sufficiency and pressure of appearing happy do more to discourage happiness among mainstream members than anything, I think.”
I wonder if this is really true for “mainstream” members as you say. It’s certainly true for non-mainstream members like us. The Book of Mormon says “we lived after the manner of happiness” suggesting that happiness is about following a kind of formula. Having a good formula to follow helps people generally I think, and people often thrive under conformist environments. But not ALL people obviously. It makes people like us chafe and see it as fake, because for us it IS fake. But maybe for others conformity to a formula like Mormonism IS an expression of a genuine joy.
I am reminded of an area conference broadcast we had a few years ago in which two of the leaders spoke about how we need to be happy, look happier. It was utterly bizarre. And the group of them sat there looking anything but!
So much shaming of those poor women has gone on.
I really see this as an ink blot and projection.
To some the women are fair game to objectify and shame on appearance.
To me the one looks nervous of how people will treat her and her fears are born out in many comments.
@Nate
When I was a young kid, I thought about all the stuff we learned in Sunday school. One thing I thought about was *why* the 10 commandments, the dietary laws, and all the crazy “stoning laws” in Leviticus existed. My conclusion was that they made for a more orderly and physically healthy society. It’s pretty clear that you can’t have individuals just killing each other or taking each other’s property willy nilly. And in a time when grain could be contaminated with ergot or pork with trichina, maybe dietary and kosher laws evolved to protect health. I suppose at the time infant mortality and disease were a huge problem, so laws around procreation and ritual cleansing arose. In short, there were hard laws for hard times.
But times change and so have our religious and secular laws. Crazy religious laws are “still on the books” so to speak, but we ignore them, and rightly so.
It seems to me that if a large number of people are truly unhappy, we need to stop “victim blaming” and start making progress away from that. As others have said, there are great things about the richness of the Mormon gospel and the culture. What can we do to preserve the good elements, but start moving people toward real happiness.
There must be some baby steps to start with. People have spelled out some things about the church services, for example. It seems like that’s a good start. Regardless of the underlying “machinery”, people should at least look forward to church each Sunday instead of dreading it and pretending just to be accepted.
I can’t comment much on “Utah” Mormons as I have never lived there and only visited for a few days at a time.
For those I have lived with, I see people that do get less pain that comes from less frequent alcohol and drug use/addition. That translates into fewer (not none, but fewer) cases of deep pain. But reduced pain is not happiness.
I do see the church giving many people a chance to socialize among generally good people with rules that tell them to be good. Usually this works to improve people’s happiness.
I see church as a place that people can give service – which most any therapist will say is good for you emotionally/mentally (I think I remember the therapist Natasha Helfer-Parker stating that she often tells her non-LDS depressed clients to give more service and her LDS depressed clients to back off a bit on service as they are usually overloaded). I do feel too much of the service is focused on the ward and would be better to give Christ-like service to others (with no missionary strings attached).
But on top of all of that, I see people happy that they think they are going to be so much happier in the afterlife than everyone else that nothing else matters now.
I think that men in the church as a whole have so much privilege that they probably are a bit happier than the women are. The more I have studied this, the more I wonder why they are not more depressed or at least upset.
And I would give an AMEN to Brother Sky’s #4. Being in my 50’s and checked all the boxes, why am I (despite my pseudonym) constantly edging on depression? I also agree with Kristine A. Non-members that do the right things are happy people.
@Happy Hubby
When I was working in Utah, I had a colleague that people around the office teased about being the “Bishop” because of his heavy involvement in church activities. I worked incredible hours… often 12 hour days… and that guy was sometimes still there when I left. To me he was like superman. He had 6 kids, a menagerie of pets including chickens, he personally made canned jelly, he brought in stuff from his garden and fruit trees, he cooked when we had pot lucks, he coached a couple of sports, did scouts, took his family camping, I’m getting tired just typing it.
But there was a cost. When he started the job, he looked pretty hale and hearty. Over the two years we worked together, I watched him put on a lot of weight and start to look pretty burned out. We were particularly close and we horsed around a lot, but I also saw his happy demeanor start to look a bit less genuine over time.
During my long career, I’d happily work until I dropped from exhaustion, because I loved my profession. I was joyful and energetic. I would become drained of energy, but I bounced back after a rest. As I aged, I saw myself as less resilient, so I tended to back off the long hours.
But my friend looked different. He was starting to look beaten down and burned out at half my age. I think Mormon culture needs to somehow dial back the superman (superwoman) messages. There’s a point of diminishing returns.
@Happy Hubby
“I see people happy that they think they are going to be so much happier in the afterlife than everyone else that nothing else matters now.”
I’m curious about how pervasive this thinking is. I wonder if it plays into Brother Sky’s #4.
I was, well, I still am, part of the Mormon community. I was baptized at 8, became a Deacon at 12, an Elder at 18, a missionary at 19, married in the temple at 32, and de-converted at 43! In my experience, Mormons pretend to be happy! The baggage of trying to be perfect is too heavy, the duties, tithing, time, temple attendance, serving in callings, all for a beautiful fantasy, don´t make Mormons happy.
I have embraced my own failures and imperfections. I´m still learning how to be free and enjoy every moment in my life as a middle-age, married guy with 3 kids, but I would never change my new life as a free-thinker!
The Optimism Bias
I do think taking a staged photo isn’t necessarily indicative of the type of smile one normally has. For example, someone a few years ago put photos of the Q15 looking dour side by side with pictures of the Dalai Lama laughing. They were both just one photo in time, not necessarily the expression each person wears all the time. Everyone has moments of genuine laughter as well as moments with a more serious expression. Probably 90% of corporate photos like the one above include forced smiles because they are forced! It’s not a natural situation.
While the picture is not necessarily a valuable exercise in determining the actual happiness of those in the photo, it’s still helpful in reminding us the difference between a fake smile and a genuine on. The analogy works because a fake smile is when you feel you have to be “on” which is what happens in a corporate photo. You are putting on a smile because that’s what the role demands. And that’s what the post is really about. People who feel they are constantly on display or have to represent the gospel or a role will like have “fake” happiness that masks their true feelings.
Culturally, laughing [insert temple reference] is frowned upon and it certainly isn’t considered executive or “leadership-like”. Everyone goes for that unique LDS solemn quiet dignity. Every GA has the.same.expression. Of course, people imitate GA dress, speech lilt, and demeanor, which is also geriatric. Besides that, we seem to be in an era of retrenchment and sobriety right now- the tone of our churches is so much quieter and reverential than it has ever been before. I long for the good ol’ 1980’s where a big “Aaaaaloooooha!” would be welcome and cheered back in sacrament meeting. I long for the pioneer humor of Joseph and Brigham, and of course- J Golden. The MoTab sings dirges, we all speak in conference voice, and no one seems to be celebrating anything. We may go on treks- but in order to recreate SUFFERING. We may have camp outs, but in order to prepare for doomsday. We make several videos, but usually of the crucifixion or somber scenes from the bible (no more Mr. Kruegers dancing and day-dreaming). We all need a good kick in the pants and someone to lighten things up.
@Howard
Interesting. I remember reading that pessimism conferred an evolutionary advantage because, if you were risk averse, you didn’t get eaten as often.
My wife, Debbie Downer, would have done great in the Stone Age. Personally, I believe optimism, and even unwarranted optimism, is better in the long run.
http://www.medicaldaily.com/pessimism-genetic-research-shows-your-outlook-might-be-cloudy-genetic-design-259573
I think Hawk is right about still photos but what about video? To me the vast majority of Q15 look, act and sound depressed at GC even as they speak about happiness or the joys of the gospel it is sooo monotone and void of affect the disconnect is mostly unconvincing. Sure they tell cutisy LDS quips designed to provoke the occational obligatory short chuckle but the meat is delivered in tones and affects that usually betray the message.
Thanks for the link E.A.
@Happy Hubby
Thats an interesting perspective that men might be happier because of their privilege but I wonder if it pans out in actuality. You would think privilege would make people happier and want to stay, but the impression I go about the numbers leaving the church is that it leans heavily towards young/middle aged men. Perhaps the issues of gerontocracy is that it takes away the power those younger men feel they should have and so though they are the privileged class they feel like they are denied that power/privilege and so leave whereas the women never had the power and so they stay? Just ideas I’m throwing out to see if anything sticks.
As for whether the Utah mormons are happy, the ones I know seem to be, but then the only ones I know are my family, and we are pretty quirky and non-traditional so maybe thats why?
“Often the Spirit is repulsed by humorous experiences or jokes when the time could be devoted to teaching the things of the Spirit, even the sacred things.”
–B. K. “Fun at Parties” Packer, “The Unwritten Order of Things”
@Delina
“is that it takes away the power those younger men feel they should have and so though they are the privileged class they feel like they are denied that power/privilege…”
What an awesome observation. That rings very true. Right out of school, I dreamed about owning a company, making a great discovery, winning a Nobel, etc. As I aged, I still held the dream, but at some point it became clear it was not gonna happen. I loved my work and was very successful by any standard, so I didn’t care much, really.
I can absolutely see young boys hero-worshipping GAs and dreaming of being one into their teen years, young adult-hood, and middle age. Along the way, they play the game, check all the boxes, serve till they drop, project the perfect family image, angle for all the right callings, and then….. they wake up one day and it hits them…. not gonna happen.
So they are deeply resentful, feel used and betrayed, get angry, and leave. Maybe they are too ashamed to tell even their wives the real reason. They feel like failures.
I don’t know, but it seems plausible.
As soon as you let me know how you learned to divine other’s true feelings (as compared to their own claims), I can answer your questions.
@Allison Moore Smith
“learned to divine the other’s true feelings”
Some people some learn it through training (e.g. law enforcement, psychotherapists) and some are simply born with a gift for it. Everybody reads the inner emotions of others without even being aware of it. It’s called “theory of mind”. This ability is notably reduced in those on the autism spectrum. Personally, just from decades of close association, I’ve learned to read my wife’s emotional state at a glance or even by the sound of her voice.
OK. Your turn.
I was born and raised in the church. I was pretty satisfied up until about twelve, when I kept seeing others around me talking about spiritual experiences and feelings. Though I read the scriptures, attended church, and prayed with all my heart every day, I never felt anything like what all my friends were talking about. As a result I resorted to occasionally making up a spiritual experience and sharing it in class. I felt more and more guilty and slowly fell into a depression because I felt I was doing something wrong and could never be good enough. This kept going until I turned fourteen (I’m sixteen now), when I developed a massive crush on my best friend and realized I was gay. Cue more intense prayer and scripture study, until I couldn’t keep it up because of the worsening depression. I nearly committed suicide a couple times and ended up in therapy, which helped a lot with the depression. A few months ago, I started to really evaluate my relationship with the church and decided that even if it was true, it was extremely unhealthy for me and I would rather leave it and be happy then be in the church and dead. I then got up the courage to look into doctrinal and historical inconsistencies which I had always been discouraged from doing, and found that the church was provably false (Which prompted a massive freakout as I realized that most of the people I love are being lied to). I’m still attending for a few different reasons, but as soon as I can I’ll leave it behind me. I’m sure the church is a good fit for many people, but it nearly killed me and I’m much happier without it.
@Katherine
You are wise beyond your years. And BTW, pretty dang articulate, too. 🙂
I didn’t grow up Mormon, so I don’t know what it’s like. My faith crisis was around age 18 or so. I basically just couldn’t rationalize the “fairy tales” with “science” anymore. Years later, when my wife started dragging my butt to church, I kinda got back into it. I finally decided to stop thinking about it rationally and just go with the flow. As long as I feel a positive benefit from going, I go. If I stop feeling a benefit, I stop.
Basically, that’s what works for me (not sure how that would fly in Mormon-land). Either way, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Continue to trust your gut and be yourself. I can tell you’ll do great.
Katherine,
You stated “Though I read the scriptures, attended church, and prayed with all my heart every day, I never felt anything like what all my friends were talking about”
I think your experience rings true for many.
You sound very sensible, taking time to evaluate and consider what is best for yourself. Glad you are still here to speak your truth.
“When you grow up you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family life, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it… Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.”
–Steve Jobs
Nate, “I wonder if this is really true for “mainstream” members as you say. It’s certainly true for non-mainstream members like us.” It’seems true for a lot of women I have interacted with who’ve followed more the stereotype of mission, marriage, stay-at-home mom thing, who I would contend still fall within the 1 standard deviation of the bell curve of Mormonism. Those women were happy with being Mormon, they have (usually) pretty healthy marriages, but they get frustrated because they just don’t feel happy on a daily basis. Usually these girls are very hesitant to come forward, often apologizing profusely because they worry about coming across ungrateful for the many blessings they have in their lives. Often what helps them is to know that other women are also frustrated, that it’s unrealistic to be happy 24/7, and (in many cases) they need to monitor themselves for things like anxiety and depression because (surprise, surprise) reading scriptures, prayer, and temple attendance are not effective medical treatments for physical ailments. The explosion of “mommy blogs” a few years back wasn’t merely due to showing off latest creations and pics of kids, they also served a major cathartic purpose by helping people recognize that life isn’t perfect, and people need a way to vent and commiserate.
“Some people some learn it through training (e.g. law enforcement, psychotherapists) and some are simply born with a gift for it. Everybody reads the inner emotions of others without even being aware of it. It’s called “theory of mind”. This ability is notably reduced in those on the autism spectrum. Personally, just from decades of close association, I’ve learned to read my wife’s emotional state at a glance or even by the sound of her voice.”
I can’t even begin to say how arrogant and damnable I find this attitude.
This “confidence” at being sure of another’s true feelings is at the heart of Jane Austen’s PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, one of the most popular books of all time.
People are very complex and may have various feelings all at once or in a short period of time. True feelings.
I’ve only been married over 30 years so maybe we’ll get better, but some of our worst arguments came about when one of us THOUGHT we had discerned the other’s feelings and held them responsible for that interpretation. Mistakenly.
@Naismith
Nobody here is claiming to be a mind-reader. On the other hand, a person with a normal level of empathy can tell when another individual is feeling sad while acting cheerful. If I sense that about my wife, I just ask her. Even *asking* a spouse (or friend) who looks sad is a kind thing to do, in my opinion. Nothing “damnable” about trying to read somebody’s expression and body language.
I am pretty sure that law enforcement officers and psychotherapists can “read” other peoples’ hidden emotions with uncanny accuracy. They are trained and have experience in noticing details in the face (“micro-expressions”), body language, and speech that everybody else overlooks. Again, nothing arrogant about it. Their work depends on these skills.
I do understand your comment, and it’s a slightly different matter. I was referring to a mood. My wife gives me a call at lunchtime, and she either sounds chipper or sounds like she’s having a rough day. That kind of thing. I can’t remember a single argument with my wife in which I held her responsible for feelings she didn’t actually have. What’s an example of that?
Theory of Mind
I used to be the chorister for sacrament meeting, which meant I would be on the stand looking out at the congregation. Very, very few of the adults looked happy, or content, or anything other than bored. Outside of church, most of them looked “normally happy,” if I can coin a phrase. In other words, they looked pretty much like normal people you’d see, but in church, they looked like they’d rather be doing anything else.
Don’t believe me? Think about those times church has ended early. How many mormons expressed regret that they couldn’t stay longer? How many mormons were happy to leave a bit early? Actions speak louder than testimony-bearing.
Naismith brought up an interesting point. Has anyone ever had a fight with a spouse because of misreading the spouse’s feelings?
I do misread her feelings from time to time, but she generally just corrects me. Not something to fight about.
There are “code words” like “I’m tired”, “I have a headache”, “don’t wanna talk about it”, “just thinking”, and the nuclear option “I’m fine” + tooth click. These let me know she’s depressed or angry, but I need to back off.
Then there are the occasional “fights about nothing” where she starts screaming about “why are you so messy, ….” that means she’s been sad or angry for a while, and I’ve failed to pick up on it. Those, generally result in clearing the air.
How about you guys?
I think we also have a responsibility to share our feelings with our nearest and dearest as far as we are able, and to question why that may be difficult. This is quite an issue for mormon women, who are largely taught that difficult feelings are faults in themselves or sent from Satan. Either way they are responsible for getting rid of them, and if they fail in that task they need to get chemical help-not that I’m knocking the necessity of doing so at times.
What is very much more controversial is the process of looking at situations and working out if they need to be changed for the welfare of all concerned in the longer run. We are very adaptive, not so good at creating change because of the passivity that has been expected from us historically.
so, I think we’re all responsible for our own communication, rather than being responsible for second guessing the feelings of others.
Happiness is more elusive than just church or being mormon.
The pursuit of happiness is what founding fathers said we should have rights to. It is in that pursuit we find meaning and self-actualization.
I’ve been happy at times in my life. I’ve been very unhappy for long stretches. I’ve been mor.on my whole life.
It is what I do as a mormon, not if I am mormon.
*moron my whole life, or mormon my whole life?
Yes. Both.
@Heber13
Well, if you’ve been Mormon your whole life, how do you know you might not have been even happier as a non-Mormon? Were any of the long stretches of unhappiness connected to Mormonism, Mormon culture or Mormon relatives?
@Heber13
If you are doing a regular expression then /Mor.*on/ matches Mormon or Moron. You need the * to permit 0 or more character matches (assuming Moron with a capital M).
Elder Anderson,
I have no idea how I could tell if I were happier in other hypothetical situations.
But I think our happiness goes through our thinking filters. By having a mormon story I was happy believing what I saw through what I believed. And challenges had a purpose.
I think other stories could work the same for me or others. Doing good for others makes me happy. That’s not exclusive mormon so I don’t think me being mormon is the big factor in my assessment on happiness. It’s a factor among many.
While on a two year mission I was happy. But I would never say I was happier than any other time of my life. That tells me something. I was dedicated and living mormonism 24/7/730. And I still had ups and downs just like other times in life.
My unhappy times had nothing to do with mormonism, but how my life was turning out based on my expectations. And the choices of others were hurting me and I learned I have little control.
Finding the inward peace despite outward circumstances leads me to be happy. I use mormonism to help find peace. And I use hiking in the mountains.
I imagine others do the same, and call it many different things.
I have used nonmormon role models to pattern my pursuit of happiness. I don’t think they could be happier if they were mormon.
Mormonism places stress on me to conform and perform. But stress is not unhappiness. Sometimes I’m happy when pushed to be something bigger. Sometimes, mormonism causes lack of balance in my life. And so, I constantly balance it.
I don’t think mormonism determines my happiness, nor do I think my happiness is completely unrelated to mormonism. It’s somewhere connected, but not dependent.
As Gordon B Hinckley said:
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful Vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
Sounds like a happy chap. Wouldn’t you say?
As I said…I think it is the pursuit of happiness that is important. Our generation may define it differently than the older leaders of the church define it…their experience is theirs, not mine.
@Heber13
Very nicely expressed. The only place I differ is that Hinkley sounds a tad depressing to me. I think we ought to be happy at least 80% of the time. Not ecstatic, just plain old happy.
I am not sure the place you are getting your information, but good topic.
I must spend some time studying more or figuring out more.
Thank you for great information I used to be searching for this information for my mission.