In follow up to Jon G’s post, we have another guest post, today from long-time commenter Heber13.
As I’ve thought about the Jon G post on Blaming Parents vs. Mourning with Those Who Mourn and the many responses that include inducing guilt or looking back at how parents “should” or “could” avoid losing children by teaching correct gospel principles in the home, I thought back to some principles I studied when I went through a difficult time in my life, which ended in divorce.
I wondered how my family could be breaking apart, even as I was trying to live according to gospel principles that I thought were specifically promised to me that they would protect my family from the devil who was targeting families as the most important fiber of our society. I wondered about my temple covenants which held eternal risks and rewards.
All of these teachings influenced my thinking, as I went through my trials. I felt shame that I could not prevent what was happening. I felt guilt that I wasn’t strong enough. I wondered what could’ve been done differently in the past and where I failed. Talking to others, including bishops, seemed to provide a different opinion for every person I asked. Mostly, I felt misunderstood.
And why were my prayers not helping?
I came across the following materials, which focused me inwardly on how I process things, instead of focusing on the external world, and results, and my attempts to control the world and other people’s choices.
These went well beyond just my situation and questions, but seem to apply to all kinds of situations where people struggle with church and their personal experience, or relationships, or other stressors in life.
Sometimes we get into twisted thinking as we process what is happening.
Ten Types of Twisted Thinking
By Dr. David Burns
- ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING. You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
- Example: The Church failed in one point, so it must all be false.
- OVERGENERALIZATION. You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
- Example: I didn’t receive an answer to my prayer, so I never will.
- Example: Joseph Smith was wrong about this subject, so nothing else he said can be accepted as being right.
- MENTAL FILTER. You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.
- Example: The Church’s comments on homosexuality ruin everything else I believe about the church.
- DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE. You reject positive experiences by insisting they ‘don’t count’ for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
- Example: I get so frustrated at Church they don’t even mention anything about Christ. Meanwhile I have missed all the ongoing messages that day about love and service.
- JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS. You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
- Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.
- Example: My bishop thinks I’m apostate. He’s judging me.
- The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
- Example: My family will disown me.
- Mind Reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.
- MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION. You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the ‘binocular trick.”
- Example: Polygamy is a huge problem, even if the Church is involved in lots of humanitarian efforts today…I just can’t see past polygamy.
- EMOTIONAL REASONING. You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
- Example: I feel confused, I have doubts, I’m not happy. That must mean the Church is false.
- Counter Example: This could also be a risk if someone gets a good feeling from prayer, and assumes that must reflect reality … such as investing in business ventures off of a spiritual experience, etc.
- SHOULD STATEMENTS. You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. ‘Musts’ and ‘oughts’ are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
- Example: God should have answered my prayer. The bishop should have been more understanding and known what to say. Joseph Smith should have seen the dangers of his actions if he was really a prophet.
- LABELING AND MISLABELING. This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. ‘I’m a loser,’ When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, “He’s a damn louse.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
- Example: Elder Bednar is a liar to make such statements. The Brethren are trying to trick us and make us all drones!
- PERSONALIZATION. You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.
- Example: My lack of faith led to the series of unfortunate events in my home.
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For me personally, #7 (Should Statements) was what I struggled with the most when I went through a rough time. I felt I should have been stronger. I wondered if I could’ve prevented my crisis if I was more faithful. I forced myself to dig my heels in deeper to be more devout, that I MUST do FHE, scriptures, temple attendance, tithing…and on and on and on. Actually, those things weren’t directly related to my problem, but I had blinders on, and thought things should be better for me if the gospel message is true and I have been obedient to it.
I now look back and see how I limited myself from addressing my problems because I limited my thinking to what “should” be instead of reality and just accepting what was, and then dealing with that reality and moving ahead. It was the most twisted thinking I was caught up in.
Elder Bednar’s comments may be making some parents feel this way also. A family could be more active if only we had more family nights, or were more diligent or could’ve would’ve should’ve.
Now I have let go of what I think I “should” be as a Mormon. I let myself be who I am, and struggle to find ways to make things work with the situation I’m in, not worrying about what could’ve been, or what I think God should’ve done. It doesn’t remove my trials, but helps me focus a little more on what is important–and I find I don’t blame the church for failure to meet my needs (#9: Labeling or Mislabeling).
Moving forward to solutions is the most productive thing. If my child is now not active, guilt is not going to help me fix it–but if feeling some guilt helps motivate me to be faithful, and keep loving my child, believing they will return, there is value to that, when faith leads to improvement.
By removing the twisted thinking, I think I reduce the frustration in my life–even if I still have all my problems to deal with. It feels like I can move forward and make progress while figuring things out.
- Do you think it is helpful to check your own angst against Dr Burns’ list of Twisted Thinking?
- Do you think leaders of the church have some Twisted Thinking, and it causes us pain unnecessarily? If so, what do you do about that?
Discuss
Wheat & Tares 
This is a great post and I agree with much of it. I was in the same way of thinking many years ago. It was actually Dr. Wayne Dyer (RIP) who helped me out of it for the most part.
I agree that the “should’s” can be the most dangerous. In the Church, we always teach the ideal, but realize what we are flawed and make mistakes. It was President Hinckley who always admonished, “Do the best you can.”
But I guess years of “be perfect, be perfect, be perfect” is a bit hard to shake.
Thanks for the post.
Jeff, I think teaching ideals are appropriate. It just seems to get out of balance when it becomes certain promises or expectations are established, when they are erronesouly established.
Having a “hope for the outcome” and “thinking it will for sure follow” are 2 different things.
Be ye therefore perfect is a commandment with no timetable.
I think it is often our twisted thinking that we place too much pressure on ourselves to want it sooner than it can happen.
But…is the church twisting our thinking to promise too much to us at times, because the church leaders want commitment now? Perfect obedience is what missionaries are hammered with. It can be difficult to give reasons why without crossing the line with expectations to obedience.
I really like this post, as I think twisted thinking is a significant contributor to a lot of suffering, and it takes a whole new dimension if you extend the discussion to include volition. While mostly healthy people can get stuck, without realizing, in twisted thinking, I think it can also be a bit of a temptation. Personally, I feel I usually have the capacity to catch my twisted thinking before I head down the rabbit hole, but sometimes it’s like I let myself go anyway. It can appeal to my mood or frustration at the time, and I indulge. Best case scenario, my mood settles and everything goes back to normal. Worst case, it leads to misery for both me and people I care about.
However, I’ve also had to deal with depression off and on, and during those times, I’m not convinced my twisted thinking is a choice. Mental illness complicates things. For me personally, I’m convinced my indulgence in twisted thinking has triggered my depression, and I’m also convinced there have been times when my depression nudged me into twisted thinking and made me incapable of recognizing it. I suspect anybody who’s dealt with many mildly to moderately mentally ill people recognizes that their twisted thinking is beyond their control, while at the same time being able to identify a certain amount of self-indulgence.
I realize this is all a little tangential to the post, but it’s really interesting to think about in the context of the doctrine of agency.
I love this post, and particularly appreciated the examples as they will help us to clarify how we are twisting the gospel against ourselves.
However, I need to say how much I love your comment Martin. It was immensely clarifying of how we can even use our knowledge of twisted thinking against ourselves when we are mood-disordered!
Often we need careful and compassionate tutoring over time to help us clarify our twisted thinking, although understanding what we are doing can be a very useful start to the process. Our feelings and our thoughts may often be at odds.
“I think it is often our twisted thinking that we place too much pressure on ourselves to want it sooner than it can happen.”
The pressure to conform to a expected norm is very hard to shake. Everyone wants to be good, but being good is never enough it seems. I suspect some folks, unfortunately would feel some pressure no matter what group they were in. What is just their make up.
I think sometimes the General leaders may not realize how much pressure the local leaders put on their members as they strive to reinforce the teaching from above.
And the guilt that some feel when they simply can’t ever seem to measure up to a standard that is virtually impossible to meet.
I think the twisted thinking angle is very useful. And I also agree with others that part of many mental illnesses are biological components that make falling into these traps guaranteed.
You see these types of twisted thinking in pretty much any field someone is passionate about: politics, religion, medicine (esp. concerning vaccines), alternative medicine (hello, essential oils), scholarly fields, etc. It’s very difficult to keep a clear mind and be able to think rationally about something once that zeal kicks in.
Every family and culture has some of these types of thinking embedded. People only realize there’s a problem when circumstances make it impossible to reconcile that thinking with what is happening in real life. So yes, church leaders will have different types of twisted thinking, just like most members. And yes, that twisted thinking can have major negative effects on specific members if you don’t have people around to help identify the communication/thinking misfires.
Martin, you expressed that very well, Thanks for sharing your experience. I think being able to identify the twisted thoughts is the first step in managing them. I think we are all prone to go down the rabbit hole, and indulge from time to time, but it takes self awareness to see it and work to pull out of it.
You raise a good point about some limitations some people have more than others. Brains are interesting how they work and what genetically impacts how they work. It is certainly not as easy as just saying….stop thinking this way, or pull yourself out of it. Perhaps God expects us to be connected with others so that we can check our thinking with others and get help from time to time, and offer help.
I find I am often most difficult on myself, more than anyone else. No one can make me feel as guilty as I can.
Like I said, step 1, recognize twisted thoughts. Step 2, learn to change them before they derail me.
But…it is interesting to me that some conditions or disorders, genetic or learned, limit some thinking. How are we to pass this mortal test if we can’t control thoughts to give us a chance to succeed. I think of people with Borderline Personality Disorder or things like Bipolar behavior. How much ability do we have to choose?
In my experience, I think there is always a choice. You can choose to change, or you can choose to allow others to help when you can’t see clearly. The ones that destroy relationships are ones that refuse to accept their situation and work within their capacity.
Dr. Burns’ book “Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy” from whence this list was taken is a landmark tome in the field of psychiatry and extremely helpful and accessible to laymen. Highly recommended.
I must say, however, that I prefer his phrase for these kinds of thinking patterns: “cognitive distortions”. These patterns are distortions of reality that one’s mind creates in response to experience and that eventually become habits. The case studies that Burns uses in his writings make it clear that this can happen in anyone’s life in response to any aspect of life, not just the ones that involve zeal.
His description of these thought patterns to better reflect reality, and how to recognized and and how to change one’s habits of response so that they are beneficial rather than distressing are at the heart of what is now known as “cognitive therapy”.
Again, I highly recommend the book.
“his descriptions of how to change these thought patterns to better reflect reality, and how to recognize…”
Mary Ann, I agree with you.
It can be hard to know how much faith to have to control things (fasting will help it rain) vs thinking when it doesn’t rain I wasn’t faithful enough and personalize it (#10).
The scriptures seem to teach some twisted thinking. Guilt has been a powerful control tool for centuries.
It is interesting to me one talk or scripture can cause twisted thinking in some people and inspire others.
I think Dr Burns’ list is useful to help obtain personal clarity. But once that clarity is reached it becomes apparent that the church typically blames troubled members without owning it’s own substantial responsibility for the problem!
I very much enjoyed your discussion of twisted thinking and the process of internal introspection. I think understanding these kinds of cognitive biases and feedback loops is helpful in how we approach our relationships, make life decisions, and for our overall emotional health.
The impresion that I get from Dr. Burns’ list is that his framework is outcome neutral. So for example, the framework is not intended to save a marriage, it is to help someone process their experience and the relationship in the most healthy way possible, whether the marriage continues or ends in divorce. But I felt like with the examples you used, you are working backward from the position that any thinking that leads one out of the church is twisted thinking. The framework is not about processing a transition in the healthiest way possible, but instead staying in the church in the healthiest way possible. That may be the best outcome for a lot of people, but I don’t think it is an appropriate application of Dr. Burns’ framework. There are, in my observation, many people who use twisted thinking to remain in the church, in very unhealthy ways, and once they give up some of those cognitive distortions, they are able to leave and arrive at a much healthier place. I haven’t read his book, so I’m working from my own limited understanding based on this blog post.
#10 – I don’t know that talks cause twisted thinking so much as reinforce specific kinds of twisted thinking. For example, I don’t think Elder Holland came up with the all-or-nothing approach to the Book of Mormon (if the Book of Mormon is inspired scripture, it proves Joseph was a prophet, the church is true, etc.). I think he took an existing idea and brought it back to the forefront. And many people in the church would argue that this isn’t a type of twisted thinking… until they get faced with something that either throws doubt on the authenticity of the BofM or on Joseph as a prophet. At that point, what to do? Some use the all-or-nothing approach as a shield (I already have a testimony, so this new info is irrelevant – a very common reaction I saw to the polygamy essays), while others realize the all-or-nothing approach is creating quite a bit of mental anguish and they need to adjust. And there are those who still keep to the all-or-nothing approach, but determine that the church is false.
As I said before, most people probably have at least a few types of twisted thinking, but often it won’t visibly affect their quality of life. Only when it causes a internal conflict severe enough to affect their quality of life (like you with the divorce, or me with hating polygamy yet still believing the truth claims of the church) do you really get the motivation to identify and try to develop a more mentally healthy way of dealing with the problem. And someimes, like Joel said, people realize the most healthy option is to distance themselves from the church (like my gay cousin who had several Mormon friends commit suicide).
#11 Howard: We’re you attempting to provide us with Twisted Thought 5 (2) Fortune teller error?
By the way, not all anger is twisted thinking. There are appropriate times calling the church out for being wrong is perfectly valid. It is how we do it that can sometimes get us twisted.
I sure think politics is full of it, to try to pursuade voters and thinkers with emotionally charged statements. But as a voter, I always get a choice how to process it, and sometimes identify it, so I don’t perpetuate it. Same with the church.
#12 Joel: “framework is outcome neutral”
That is a good way to put it. That is why my closing statement was “By removing twisted thinking, I think I reduce the frustration in my life–even if I still have all my problems to deal with.”
It won’t solve the marital problems. But it may help me manage my emotions, communicate clearly, listen and understand others before jumping to conclusions…and other things that can help me, whether the divorce or staying in the church is the outcome.
To your point, you are right that my examples seemed one-sided. But twisted thinking can be used to stay in the church also. And for some people, that is good and others it is signing up for inward unrest. It is more a framework to help you process the world around you, not control it, as you said.
Twisted thinking is a risk to a shallow testimony if used to determine the church is true, just as it can be a crutch if you use it to determine it is false. It is outcome neutral. But it impacts how we journey through it. I think it can help people make a false decision, or unecessary regrettable choice later when emotions calm down. Either way.
#13 Mary Ann: I don’t think Elder Holland would CAUSE twisted thinking in others (not that you said that either, just piggy backing off your comment). His statements are just his statements. I have to process what he says. And if he says something is black and white…that doesn’t cause me to twist my thoughts. (As you said, he probably didn’t come up with that either). I have control to untwist my thinking so I can decide to call “bull crap” on what is being said, or dismiss it, or buy into it. But I think you set yourself up for more problems and frustration if you use it as a shield, or to use it to try to preach to or convince others when it is more effective to accurately communicate facts and opinions, not opinions as facts.
Polygamy is just what it is. How you process it with your faith requires thinking. Twisted thinking will inflame the problem or make it harder to work through it because of the traps. Some people use it so they don’t have to deal with the problem (ie. emotional reasoning…I feel the spirit in church so it doesn’t matter what we did in our past, polygamy is not an issue).
We can all be prone to some degree of these traps, but we also can learn to avoid them. That is the key. First be aware. Second, practice until healthy thinking becomes habit. The atonement helps us realign ourselves to truth and goodness. But it takes effort.
So, are we supposed to ignore posts and comments where the writers exhibit examples of twisted thinking? If so, the bloggernacle might as well shut down.
Using the subsititute “supposed to” for “should” does not avoid the same twisted thought, IDIAT. 🙂
It’s not about removing emotion or passion from communicating on the bloggernacle, it is about managing levels of frustration and making the bloggernacle exchanges more productive.
Trying to have an honest debate with someone who only reverts to over generalizations becomes tedious.
I can’t control what others post. I can control my reaction to it.
Reading the Miracle of Forgiveness can induce twisted thinking. In it, Kimball listed all possible sins of omission and commission, and stated that it was possible (and therefore expected) to achieve perfection in this life. Given that this book is an unofficial part of Mormon canon, this may help us understand the unrelenting perfectionism in this religion.
I think learning how to manage our thought processes is a very important step for emotional health, so I appreciate the post.
As others have said, I would like to reiterate that twisted thinking can be unhealthy for those staying in the church or leaving the church or in aspects of their lives having nothing to do with the church or religion.
I would disagree with one thing Heber13 said, “In my experience, I think there is always a choice. You can choose to change, or you can choose to allow others to help when you can’t see clearly.” Perhaps you always can choose, Heber13, but I hope you would only apply that to yourself. You went from “I” to “you” immediately. I hope you just meant “I” throughout. Some cannot choose to change, and telling them they can may make them even more hopeless.
#17, I do wonder about the things taught by leaders included in the religion. Untwisting my thinking has at times made me feel I need to untwist my faith from what leaders teach, even prophets.
It can be healthier emotionally, but confusing spiritually. I have found ways to be healthier spiritually (still working on it), by being more responsible for my inspiration and faith, and open to not believing everything in the church. While others might label it “cafeteria mormonism” in a negative way, I arrived to it trying to be healthier through my trials, but recognized twisted thinking in relationships included twisted thinking towards my church relationship.
Dexter…you can probably tell I’ve struggled through that very topic (didn’t try to be inconsistent with my posts of “I” and “You” but it is telling in my thoughts).
If we all have power to choose, then we can all choose to untwist thinking or to choose to get help.
Can some people be unable to choose…how does it make sense there is no choice to change? How can some people have no choice to find peace? Let’s frame it to adults, leaving out kids that haven’t developed yet, brain dead patients, or severly handicapped people that can’t function (which I’m not sure could understand concepts like happiness). I may have clinical depression, but can get help. That is a choice to get help.
What adult that wants to be happy has no choice?
I’m not suggesting depressed people choose that, or some people with mental disorders can just choose to be happy. That is making them feel it is their fault. It isn’t.
But, like the diabetic who doesn’t choose to have a condition, can live a normal life by choosing to do things that cope with the illness, I am trying to understand what situations support the idea that some people have no choice to untwist their thinking or to get help by others.
Again, framing it, what individuals in a marriage that are unhappy have no choice? What people in church that are unhappy have no choice?
As others have pointed out…the choice may be to leave the marriage or the church to find peace. That is a choice. Sometimes one that doesn’t address their problem and they are still not happy or peaceful because they move from twisted thinking in one relationship to twisted thinking in another, without addressing their thinking, which I don’t understand how we can not choose what to think or learn.
I’d appreciate your comments, as I’ve studied alot about this, and sometimes it gets into my thinking about the Plan of Salvation as we are taught at church. How can we be held accountable by God to follow commandments if we can’t choose despite our imperfections in this world?
Well, this is a broad topic, so let me narrow it down. I agree that those with the mindset of the church is true would believe we have such choices because agency is a big part of the plan of salvation. I do not believe that, so I don’t think we necessarily have free agency.
Also, whether or not we, as humans, have free will is up for debate. It could be that no one ever makes a choice. Ever. Googling “Is free will an illusion” will bring plenty of articles that can sum up this issue if you are interested.
But, even under a mindset that says free will does exist, I am simply saying that some people may be capable of making those types of choices but others may not have that ability. Perhaps some people’s brains (due to nature or nurture or some combination of the two) simply can’t untwist in the ways you describe. Some people have been through such trauma it may simply be impossible. That’s all I’m saying. I am fine with people looking in the mirror and saying, “you can choose to change!” But I cringe a bit at the idea of someone looking at someone else and saying, “you can choose to change!” Now, if done in a loving and supportive way, it could be a wonderful thing, but I just think we need to be careful saying things like “everyone can change their ways of thinking” when there could be some outliers who truly can’t.
I agree with Dexter that some people are incapable of untwisting their thinking. I have a brother who has seen more mental health professionals than I can count and has received multiple diagnoses (bipolar disorder, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, autistic spectrum disorder). If you met him you might think he is a little weird but not disabled. I honestly think that no matter how much help he receives, he can’t analyze his own thinking to realize it is twisted let alone untwist it. He just isn’t that self aware. I can’t imagine he is the only person in this situation. You can’t change what you don’t see. You can’t untwist your thinking without some self awareness.
Thanks Dexter and EBK.
This is consistent with my experience too.
If a person does not want to change, they won’t. No matter how others try to help them or explain concepts of twisted thinking to them.
I don’t think we know if they are capable of change or just don’t choose to change. Sometimes our brains learn to block things out for various reasons, and so, may become too set in some ways to be self aware enough to make any of these concepts meaningful to them.
I like Dexter’s admonitions…I can choose my ways to untwist my thinking. I have no idea what you can do or what you can choose.
It is still worth it to teach these principles so those that can untwist thoughts, can try to work on that. Reducing negative thoughts (including negative church thoughts) can help our experience.
I wanted to add that I really like this post and that I do believe it can help a lot of people, but probably not everyone.
It won’t help those who don’t want to be helped.
I guess some people just live with twisted thinking, and that is just their existence. If they won’t try to untwist it or try to be self aware (incapable or just won’t do it), I guess they still are just judged according to their choices and actions.
That is the plan of salvation, everyone judged according to their capacity and choices made with their capacity.
For me, I see red flags when others over generalize the church negatively. Conundrums do exist…but we can work through them and compartmentalize issues in the church from total negative fixations that cloud out all the good the church has to offer.