The church has recently released a 9 minute video called “You Never Know.”
It features what must be assumed to be a single mom who is trying very hard to get her to do list done so she can meet her cousin at the airport to spend the evening with her. But her to do list keeps getting longer, and she says yes to it all:
- Her son forgets he has a Science Fair project to put together, the morning of the Science Fair (which they miraculously get done on time – it appears everything but gluing the papers onto the tri-fold board was already done), and then as she drops him off at school he almost forgets it, natch.
- She is trying to take some sort of weird photo of her toddler for maybe Pinterest or something. Not sure. The toddler keeps moving, as toddlers do. I have no idea what this part was about or why she was taping newspaper to the walls. Is this normal?
- Her apparently bitchy career-oriented sister calls her to have a “me, me, me” conversation with her over lunch in the park. Because obviously a woman with a career who isn’t slaving all day in domestic servitude must be the most selfish human on the planet, yet she somehow has time to go natter on endlessly about herself in a park with her harried sister.
- Another mom comes by with no notice to ask if she can leave her daughter with her just as she is leaving the house. The woman seems distraught, and while she hasn’t exhausted all other options, main mom in the video says she has things to do at home anyway. Liar! And goes back in the house with the other woman’s daughter.
- Someone asks her to make dinner for another family. She adds this to her burgeoning to-do list also. When the time comes to cook it, she is already running late to meet her cousin. She waits the 30 minutes for it to cook, and then realizes the oven wasn’t turned on, so it takes another 30 (realistically it’s going to be longer than that if the oven wasn’t even turned on). Then she (with kids hanging all over her) drops it off to a seemingly able-bodied young man who answers the door.
- She rushes home, gives fifty instructions to the babysitter, then rushes out, only to come back in 5 minutes later because she has completely missed her cousin. The day is coming to a close.
- She is short-tempered and crying silently about missing her cousin, and her kids want to say prayers. Her son makes a reference to winning the Science Fair (Did I hear that right? If so, I cry BS.). Suddenly she has an epiphany that she really did do many great services all day, so it doesn’t matter that she had a non-stop awful day. It doesn’t exactly tie it back to her missed items on her to-do list because she basically did everything that other people needed, with the exception of meeting her cousin, but nothing that was for her.
Here’s the video for your perusal.
Good Intentions
I have no doubt that the makers of the video had good intentions: showing women that they have made a difference for others, that their sacrifices are appreciated, that the kindnesses we do to other make a lasting difference to people. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The video was incredibly hard to watch.
There are quite a few scary messages in the video that are not overtly stated. Here are a few:
- This is some weird alternate reality with no men. There is literally no male support in any of these women’s lives, either moral support or actual assistance.
- If the main woman is a single mom, which appears to be the case, who is paying for this? How does she have a nice home and kitchen with no income?
- If she’s married, why doesn’t she ever call her life partner to talk about her impossible situation? Why does she require a babysitter in the evening to meet her cousin at the airport?
- Why can’t the man who answered the door to take the meal make dinner? Or order a pizza? He doesn’t look incapable of calling Pizza Hut.
- The career woman sister is portrayed very negatively, a taker, a contrast to her incredibly giving and selfless sister. Is this really necessary? So, let me get this straight. Career women are horrible people. Got it.
- The woman who needs her to watch her daughter for a few hours at the last minute likewise has no male resources. Neither one of them can think of a man who would be in any way willing or capable to help out, not even the child’s father. I thought this was another single mother, but then a later scene shows her at the doctor’s office with a man who was her same age, so I assumed that was supposed to be her husband.
- She also didn’t say why she needed the help and was ready to walk away. Why not? Does this imply that the harried blond woman, the heroine, must not only be 100% selfless but also capable of reading minds?
The video paints an exhausting portrait of this poor woman’s day. I was exhausted just watching it. I still feel stressed out by it. Although the message presented at the end is meant to be encouraging, it felt doubly tiring to hear yet another male voice telling women how we should be. The person who does the task 90% of the time should get 90% of the say in how it is done. We can’t preach total gender task separation and then have only men telling people how to do their roles.
Instead, I prefer this quote by Chieko Okazaki:
“Many Mormon women do not have clear boundaries for themselves. They feel a sense of confusion about who they are, because many competing voices lay claim to them and they try to accommodate them all. For example, when I became a member of the Relief Society general presidency, I was appalled at how many women were tormented by guilt about their responsibilities as mothers. They seemed unable to see a boundary between themselves and their children. . . .
It is a strength for women to be able to cross their own boundaries easily when they are meeting the needs of their children and serving others, but it is a great disadvantage when they feel every call for service as an imperative which they are obligated to meet. Remember, a boundary has “yes” on one side and “no” on the other. A woman who never feels that she can say “no” is lacking an important element of personal identity and, hence, personal safety.”
What did you think?
- Why are there no men? Are men completely exempt from helping out at home? Are there women like this who never see a man from dawn to dusk?
- Is it selfish to say no or just selfish if women say no?
- Is there an alternate ending to the video featuring a murder-suicide? It would practically write itself.
- Does this video help women feel more appreciated? Does it make them want to serve more?
- What about the poor cousin stuck at the airport? Isn’t that kind of awful? Why were her needs less important than the husband who was incapable of preparing a meal for his own family?
Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
I have been thinking about this video has it has recieved a lot of mixed discussion in many of the forums I frequent and help run. I think there were a number of well intentioned choices made in the video that just didn’t quite work. I actually wonder if there was a single woman on the writing/production staff. I am sure they focused group the fetch out of it.
1) The decision to leave men out (mostly) – I think the well intentioned idea here was that it makes the video very woman-centric. It makes the story completely and totally about a woman with no chance that they run afoul of making her an “appendage” to her husband etc. In some ways I find it a bit sad that as Mormons one of our first reactions to a story where a woman is the central character is “where is the man?” I kind of find it refreshing that they chose to not even feel like they had to justify the man’s absence. It might be the only way the church could create an add that passed the Bechdel test 🙂
2) I think they actually *tried* to portray the working woman in a positive light (emphasis on tried). In their minds the working woman is heroic as she chooses to make a signficant impact at work. They end showing her in “power manager mode” solving problems at work with confidence. They tried I think to parralel her “selfless” decision to stay and fix the problem with the selfless service of the SAHM, which in their mind is a huge compliment. So again I think the intention was good, but execution gets caught in the underlying problems with the whole thing.
3) I actually thought the more realistic portrayal of the daily challenges of parenthood was a positive step. I think most parents (mothers and fathers) can identify with a day like that. So good intentions for going realistic.
That all said, the devil is in the details and clearly they just don’t get it in the ways that are needed to pull it off. The whole casserole makes he miss her cousin thing was just horrible as the event which finally causes the missed connection. About every woman I have run into wants to punch Peter Priesthood in the face for not taking care of dinner. Heck I would have at least expected to see him beleaguered with 5 other kids or maybe the child being in the ICU with other kids at home that need help. As a guy I was totally offended. The only guy shown in the whole thing is incapable of a basic skill of making dinner or even ordering out? And the final boundary message is just awful. They need to do a boundary setting video (hopefully with that Chieko Okasaki quote) to wash this whole thing off.
Some enterprising film student ought to do a shot by shot reshoot of this with a different ending and that quote.
The same alternate reality of Toy Story where mother and son live in a nice house with no father around and the only male example we have is the beer drinking dead beat man next door neighbor.
“It might be the only way the church could create an add that passed the Bechdel test :)” Ouch. I suspect you are right, but wow.
My wife (an over-achieving business exec) mentioned she had seen this video and had mixed feelings. One positive for her was the depiction of a purportedly single mom. When I got around to watching it, I also wondered about the missing father/husband and noticed she is clearly wearing a wedding band. A couple of shots include her hand with the band. I assumed the husband was (1) away on a business trip; (2) away on a stake/church assignment; or (3) on a dudes’ getaway from his own family and drowning wife. Or, she is a widow and life insurance set her up in the reasonably comfortable circumstances.
The fact it was a male voice-over at the end went completely over my male head, until you mentioned it here. That is a fair point. There has to be a female voice of authority in the Church who has also made the simple observation that we are often totally unaware of the positive impact of even a little bit of service to others.
This seems to be a huge strain over an artistic expression of how we do things and we don’t know what impact it may have in the lives of those around us.
Why are there no men? Don’t know. Shows the sister’s boss and others. Husband accepts food. Who knows where/if husband is around or out of town or what. Who cares.
Are men completely exempt from helping out at home? Obviously not.
Are there women like this who never see a man from dawn to dusk? Yes. Plenty of single mothers.
Is it selfish to say no or just selfish if women say no? No, it is not selfish. No one said it would be. Family comes first, and she could have done a thing here or there. She does appear to have have taken on too many tasks in a single day, but sometimes that’s the way life goes.
Is there an alternate ending to the video featuring a murder-suicide? It would practically write itself. Yes, we’ve all felt overwhelmed at times.
Does this video help women feel more appreciated? Can’t say. Didn’t appear to be focused solely on women. It could have depicted a man running into the same kinds of obstacles and challenges and feeling frustrated at the end. I don’t know why you have to turn this into a feminist thing. Does it make them want to serve more? Don’t know. Some yes, some no.
What about the poor cousin stuck at the airport? She wasn’t stuck. It was just a layover. Happens all the time.
Isn’t that kind of awful? No. It was an opportunity to visit while cousin had layover. It didn’t work out
Why were her needs less important than the husband who was incapable of preparing a meal for his own family? Her needs (the main actress or the cousin at the airport) were just as important. Don’t know why the meal was being brought over. Tattoed wife sick? New baby? But apparently it was something mother had committed to do. Maybe could have run out and bought a take and bake pizza a whole lot easier and faster. Maybe bought an extra to feed her own kids.
I don’t know why the video would grate on anyone’s nerves. Most of us have had days where it seems no good deed goes unpunished. This theme could have been presented in any number of ways.
Discuss.
I wondered about the husband as well. I saw the ring and you’d think in the course of the day, the woman might have said “I wish your father was here,” (for whatever reason he was not) instead of making him invisible. At least we’d have a certain perspective on the situation. I saw this as more of a negative than a positive because it showed how we might be over-burdening the Sisters of the Church by not allowing them to say “no” when the circumstances are overwhelming. In fact, the message we seem to get is that “no” is not a good answer. Yet, we are also taught to balance our lives between the various things that we are responsible for. So, a conflict definitely exists.
I also caught the business in the prayer of both the Mom and son ” Please bless us so we can get everything done….” I found that rather sad that kids feel it necessary to pray for that as they apparently learned that from the Mom.
If the actual point of the video was you never know the impact you have, they could have easily accomplished it by a few things rather than the piling on all of that in one day. Again we are taught it is the small things we do on a regular basis that have the most impact, not the big things.
If it hadn’t come from the Church, I would have thought it was a cruel joke made to show how the Church overburdens people’s lives and expects them to be happy about it.
No, this video does not make women feel more appreciated nor want to serve more. However, there are some quick fixes that could save this scenario:
– show teaching her own children how to participate in preparing meals. Delegating is a wonderful way to get things done. It also shows that everyone in a family is a contributor, not just a recipient.
– when the dinner isn’t cooked, take it over cold with some baking instructions. Then they can eat it hot.
– why didn’t the babysitter show up until 2 hours late?
– we need to see some creative problem solving when everything doesn’t go exactly as planned
I don’t see that setting boundaries is the major problem. I think the problem is everyone’s taking personal responsibility, starting with the girl who won’t eat breakfast and the boy who didn’t do his homework. Can we say ‘natural consequences?’
Unfortunately, this reminds me of the years when “The Giving Tree” was the go-to message in SM talks. I couldn’t stand that whiny boy who kept saying, ‘gimme, gimme” and never said “thank you” while the ‘she-tree’ kept giving until he killed her.
See? You’re so busy you don’t need/want the priesthood. See? See?
This genera of family film is already well trodden by Hollywood, which in its most classic formula feature a child with a ball game or music recital and a parent who misses, or almost misses it. The sentimental message is always the same: moms and dads who sacrifice for their little tykes are heroes.
This is a variation on the formula, which replaces a child’s music recital with various meals to be served, with the meeting at the airport taking the place of Dad’s business meeting that threatens to make him late for the ball game.
As a simple variation on a classic formula, this film does just fine. If it brightens the day of a few overworked mothers, it’s done its duty. It’s not supposed to say anything profound. It’s just propaganda.
For a truly revelatory take on the same theme, I recommend the magnificent film “Little Chldren.”
Are there married women who don’t see their husbands from dawn to dusk? Yes, military spouses, husbands in training, husbands working 3 jobs, husbands working out of town, etc. I first saw this video shared among a support group for wives of husbands in medical training (as in, working 80+ hours per week) — for the first time a mom was depicted that actually reflected *their* lives! These women are used to dragging kids to church alone and never being able to count on spousal support at home on a daily basis. Most of the reactions in that group were positive, and those of us in our 30s tend to have a soft spot for Hinckley, so that wasn’t a huge issue.
I wasn’t wild about this video. The casserole was a waste of time, though for people living on medicaid/WIC I get it (ordering pizza and chinese food are for people who aren’t living on excruciatingly tight budgets, fyi). The living room/kitchen set up could easily have been apartment living, so I can understand if the mom was stretched financially. Why in the world she chose to waste time on the photo shoot with her child I don’t know, but if you’re trying to put on a good face on social media, I can see it. The kid winning the science fair? Stupid, but a useful plot idea that finally got through to her that she wasn’t paying very close attention to those she cared about most and chose to serve all day. The idea that her value and influence is tied to her roles as mother, sister, neighbor, and church member, is consistent with the church’s overall doctrine. Unfortunately, it’s not a very promising message for the mental health of church sisters.
I’m going to get my 30 y.o. inactive son to watch this video! Even though his wife isn’t LDS, much of what this young mother goes through isn’t unlike what my daughter-in-law faces, her being newly a mom with my 6 mo. old grand-daughter. My son puts in long hours and the wear and tear is obvious. I do what I can to help them out.
WHERE is the father/husband? Good question. We speculate due to the humble setting of the home (obviously an apartment) that this might be a “single” mother (recently separated/widowed), or that her husband is away on business or simply works long hours. A situation quite familiar to many young LDS couples wherein the wife was barely out of her teens and the husband a recent RM, not yet done with higher education or vocational training and therefore not really enough of a breadwinner…yet. But they “heeded” the counsel to not delay their families, and are juggling parental responsibilites, trying to makes ends meet, and increase earning potential. At some point, limits of the clock and endurance make themselves known. This poor dear is frantically trying to care for her children, do compassionate service, and still be with her sister and cousin who obviously are both important to her. I certainly hope that there’s a compelling reason for the husband to be absent. This reminds me of many moons ago, when often I’d come home to a messy house and a frazzled young wife (she’d have had her fill of her stepdaughter, now 38 with four kids of her own, and two energentic little pre-schooler boys and a baby girl), after putting in a whole day of work at the base and an evening of graduate school, not getting home until ten. If she was still up, I’d spend some time with her, and just LISTEN. Then once she was asleep, I’d do what remained to be done. So at times I got six hours of sleep where eight would have been optimal. WTH, I was young and dumb at the time….
I’m not sure that the Church’s intent in this video is to slam “career gal”, but simply to point how how she’s a bit self-absorbed but not really “evil”. For all we know, perhaps she pines away while at the office as to “where are the good men” and “how LUCKY her sister is”, not realized the down side to the SAHM thing. It’s an LDS female version of the “city mouse, country mouse” tale. Imagine what happens in a few years when “career gal” has snagged a husband, and with two incomes they’re living large, and suddenly the rabbit dies…
There is one HUGE difference in our cultural perspective between men and women on this issue: If a guy feels overwhelmed by responsiblities, limits on time and energies, and feelings of regret over what he’s “missing out” on, in no uncertain terms is he told to “grow up” and “man up”. Not that I’d have it any other way. I’m getting close to retirement and in a few short years the youngest is grown and no longer LEGALLY my responsibility (e.g. child support ends). Not that I’d ignore her, of course, she’s my baby girl, but whatever I do for her is b/c I WANT to, not b/c a court order or society sez that I HAVE to. The service will still go on, but it’ll be nice to kick back, putter about, and let my beloved “Snips” go out and slave away, at least for a some years until she can also retire. Even then, we’ll probably count ourselves lucky to serve in some missionary or Church service capacity as a retired couple.
What makes this video frustrating for so many isn’t that she works hard and serves others. It’s that the self-sacrificing mom is The Example of noble Mormon womanhood.
Yet instead of showing a woman taking short-cuts, saying no, or taking time for herself, once again we’re celebrating a very narrow, unhealthy view of motherhood. One that recognizes how exhausting and lonely it can be, yet reinforces the messages that a “good” mom says yes to everything, always puts others’ needs ahead of her own, and masks the pain of it all at the end of the day.
We can do much, much better.
welcome to motherhood. not for the faint of heart. but there’s also a lot of joy to it
winifred, I’ve been a mother for 19 years, and this woman’s day bore zero resemblance to my own.
Douglas #11 posited “imagine what happens in a few years when “career gal” has snagged a husband, and with two incomes they’re living large, and suddenly the rabbit dies…”
She goes on (unpaid) maternity leave and they find a good quality child care provider and she goes back to work at 6 weeks (not nearly long enough rest period) and they live happily ever after. Its not that difficult to figure out.
Or were you trying to imply that because she gets pregnant, she will automatically have to leave her job and become a stay at home mother, because working mothers are the “evil” ones?
If this mother is widowed/divorced or her husband is deployed/out of town for work/the bishop, then why on EARTH does everyone else think it’s okay to make these demands on her time? I mean, it’s bad enough to DEMAND a home-cooked meal with little or no notice (i the RS compassionate service leader not KNOW that couple was having a baby? why the short notice?) but to do it of a woman you KNOW is raising three children all on her own? It makes my blood boil.
And I’d like to see a flash forward twenty years or so when it turns out her kids are entitled little brats because they’ve never had to learn hard lessons or not get everything they want right when they want it. And the mom isn’t there because she’s had a nervous breakdown or worse.
Thanks for that last comment.
I’ve definitely lived in urban wards where EVERYONE is struggling. To suggest that one woman’s life is difficult and therefore she should not be expected to serve runs completely contrary to what this church is about. The people who provide meals to the young couples? More than not, people who know how difficult it is to have the energy to make a meal when you’re recovering from a c-section and have zero family in town to help. You desperately need someone to watch a young child so you can attend a doctor’s appt that you’re nervous about? The person who “gets it” is someone who has been in the same predicament — THAT’s why the main woman said yes. If you’ve lived in wards full of apartment complexes with families struggling, you understand that that woman’s compassionate service leader who was calling her was probably in a very similar financial/social situation. Our culture is such that we do not ask for help easily, which means when help is requested, you answer the call. In wards where half the people are on government assistance, help is required a LOT. This video reflects the reality of a lot of people in the church — it is for THOSE people that this video was created. If you can’t relate, then count yourself lucky.
Am I the only one that noticed that at the beginning of the film, she prays, “Help us to accomplish everything we need to…” ?
The message is that instead of doing what she thought she needed to do, she unwittingly did what God needed her to do. In her “terrible” day, she helped her son get a huge self-esteem boost winning the science fair, gave a neighbor time to contemplate a devastating medical diagnosis. Gave her sister confidence to tackle and resolve a long-standing issue at work. Brought a neighbor a meal that was more than food–it was the love and caring it symbolized.
Where are the men? Dad is away on a business trip. The sick lady’s husband went straight from work to the hospital.
As for the voiceover, the director isn’t going to pull rank and have Cheiko Okasaki instead of Gordon B. Hinckley. (The Okasaki quote is really good though. I’ll have to find the source. Does anyone have the reference handy?)
I’m refraining judgement until the sequel comes out, and artistic representation of the law of the harvest where her sacrifice is recompensed a hundred fold. 🙂
#15 – Niether, LLH. You’re trying to render me what would be termed an “offender for a word”, or more properly a paragraph (brevity has never been one of my strong suits). I’m simply pointing out what is obvious from the video: “Career Gal” thinks she’s got issues from her employment and likely thinks her “Suzy Homemaker” sister has it made. My bringing up the normal course of biology is that at some point she’ll start a family, even if by “accident”..nature has its own way of making things happen. Sure, perhaps she’ll find a child care provider and go back to work in six weeks…or NOT. Maybe the baby will have special needs that preclude ordinary child care. Or she just won’t WANT to return to her prior work situation, but perhaps debts and/or lifestyle of the couple virtually demand it. Is she “evil” for having a career, or lesser in the eyes of her Heavenly Parents? I certainly don’t think so. But at that point, whether she is a “working mother” (in reality, every mother works her lovely heiney off!) or not, she’d at least appreciate what her SAHM sister does. The question of whether a mother with young children ought to work outside the home (she
certainly will inside it!) is a matter of constrasting needs: of income, career development, self-fulfillment, and security, versus the needs for personal attention for the little one(s). As my brother-in-law put it for my niece (now almost 16) when my sister was ready to graduate nursing school: “she already HAS a fulltime job…a THREE year old!”. Not sexist or mysoginist, just a reality of the demands of childrearing.
Been there where I had a tribe of little ones, and I worked TWO jobs and went to grad school to earn a Master’s in Mechanical Engineering so my then wife could do the SAHM thing. Her decision to resume insurance rating on a job-share basis was b/c she could exchange child care with a co-worker who had a similar need. Even a half-time income from that was better than paying someone to raise our brood. It also gave the oldest (my daughter, who was 11 at the time, a product of my “flaming youth”) some responsiblity as she had to pitch in not only with her two brothers and baby sister but also the other lady’s two kids. The insurance work not only let us actually sock some money away and pay off bills, it was a break from diapers and snotty noses. And what little time I had to spare, it was either “date night” and paying a sitter (and no, I didn’t share info even with other ward members as to a good sitter, some things you just have to be ‘selfish’ about), OR, taking the kiddies out and just letting their mother catch up on sleep! As for my then lack of sleep? “I’ll sleep all I want when I’m DEAD!” (self-fulfilling prophecy?). Don’t just assume that the father, if alive and not incarcerated or away on military duty, isn’t pulling his share as well…though I’m no stranger to diapers, wiping snotty noses, and managing a howling brat, even as GRANDPA. For me, it’s a pleasure, not a burden…but that’s b/c I just “rent”, not “buy”.
The problem with thie video is not the preposterous details, the gender issues, the parenting problems, the value judgments about women’s life choices or the terrible modeling of boundary maintenance in interpersonal relationships. The problem with this video is that, it’s still about trying to prove your worth on your own merits. And in truth, even if you remember to add up all the things you do that “you never know,” you still fall miserably, wretchedly, abysmally short.
That’s the bad news. Looked on as charitably as possible, this video is really a message of Bad News.
But the Good News is that Jesus Christ did enough, Jesus Christ never fails, and if you will put your trust completely in him and nothing else, He offers grace to you that is truly amazing: in him, you have also done enough. In Jesus Christ, you have already succeeded.
Criticism based on the need to set healthy boundaries is misplaced and will fall on deaf ears. As long as someone believes that they have to earn their salvation, your plea to them to do less for their own sake is completely and utterly vain. They know perfectly well that God demands nothing less than absolute perfection and unbounded righteousness, and they know perfectly well that God demands sacrifice.
People don’t need to be told to give themselves a little break, fall a little short, and God is okay with that (even if you actually did “more than you know”). People need to be told that Jesus already did everything.
Kullervo, your comment seems very much in line with Evangelical/Protestant reasoning. I have never heard this rationale preached from an orthodox Mormon source.
And that’s exactly the problem with orthodox Mormonism.
in the end you can look at each other and say it was tiring but darn well worth it
On the contrary, the Book of Mormon is explicit that Christ is mighty to save, that it is only through the merits of the atonement that we are saved. We serve others, not because this earns us salvation, but as a symbol of our love for them, and therefore our love of God. As we serve and love, the Spirit refines us into becoming more like Christ. We earn nothing; we just show our grateful willingness to receive. And that grateful ess translates into meaningful service, service directed by the Spirit, not a checklist. At least that is how I read 2 Nephi 31, Mosiah 24, and Moroni 7 and 10. I’m with Kullervo, I wish we would emphasize this aspect of the atonement’s power more often.
It’s easy to feel sorry for this overburden young mother and excuse her from service…after all, charity begins IN the home, and her children (and presumably, the unseen husband) all need and ought to appreciate her unstinting service.
Yet we often forget that there’s a joy in serving others, and we ought not to DENY that just b/c she’s busy with her family. Not to diminish her situation (you don’t see ME volunteering!) but EVERYONE has their own burdens. For example, my plans for an EZ evening at the gym and then a Giants-Dodgers game (with a little channel surfing to MNF) just got cancelled. Why? My daughter needs me. Do I have to? No, I GET to. So I won’t be so relaxed when I pick up my “Snips” from the airport much later. I don’t want applause, I took on this some 14-odd years ago when I said “I do” (and then I was done).
“Q” from Star Trek put it best when rebutting Capt. Picard’s protest that his preliminary introduction of the Enterprise and the Federation to the Borg could have been done in a manner less hostile than that which cost the lives of eighteen of his crew: “If you can’t take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home, and crawl under your bed. It’s not safe out here! It’s wondrous…with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross; but it’s not for the timid.”
And yet, not all these sacrifices are equal: the science fair project, the babysitting for the distraught woman, the lunch with the self-centered sister, the casserole at the last frickin minute, redoing the daughter’s breakfast. These are not all equal. And the cousin stuck alone at the airport apparently doesn’t rate. The lesson the people around her have learned is that she will always say yes, no matter the ask, no matter how much notice, no matter how inconvenient, everyone else’s needs will always always always come before her own.
There’s a reason they tell you on flights that you have to put your own oxygen mask on before helping other passengers.
Am I the only woman who stays at home right now with a child that calls or texts her husband on his cell phone during the day? I mean, if I need him to stop and pick something up on the way home, or even to complain or get some emotional support. Regardless of who’s working in the home and who’s working outside the home, both partners need emotional and physical support. It’s a bit odd that wasn’t portrayed in the video at all.
I honestly believe that if the church stopped juxtaposing the genders as ‘equal and opposite’, but instead showed how we can show appreciation for individuals in their individual daily challenges, regardless of gender and how we can be supportive of eachother in our relationships, that would be healthier. I mean, I’ve totally been that mom too where I work all day and just don’t have enough hours in the day to get everything done, especially when I have other things come up like evening activities, or having some extra chores for various reasons – and all parents can experience that as well.
The church is trying to show how we can ‘know our role’, and yet be appreciated in it, and yet, strive to always ‘do’ more. I don’t care what anybody says, it’s propaganda.
@kullervo
I think you are on the right track:
“Criticism based on the need to set healthy boundaries is misplaced and will fall on deaf ears. As long as someone believes that they have to earn their salvation, your plea to them to do less for their own sake is completely and utterly vain. They know perfectly well that God demands nothing less than absolute perfection and unbounded righteousness, and they know perfectly well that God demands sacrifice.”
I agree with this and see it in the ultra LDS actives that I have in my life. Any person who is super active and engaged in the church will see this video and not think about ‘boundary setting’, or the unhealthy things it pushes. They will instead smile to themselves and think how wonderful it is and that they ‘felt the spirit’ and it will push them to DOing even more in the coming weeks.
a mother’s love is an unrivaled force in nature
“The lesson the people around her have learned is that she will always say yes, no matter the ask, no matter how much notice, no matter how inconvenient, everyone else’s needs will always always always come before her own.’
The saddest part is we sometimes do it because we are led to believe everyone else does it, so it is expected.
I can make my own meals, but thanks anyway. Some men are not like that and they need to get a clue!
“Am I the only one that noticed that at the beginning of the film, she prays, “Help us to accomplish everything we need to…” ?’
No, I commented on that above. I find that very symptomatic of the issue we are discussing here.
my wife and i learned the lesson a long time ago from some talk at Church that we didn’t need to “accomplish everything we need to ” all at once.
kt: This bears repeating: “Regardless of who’s working in the home and who’s working outside the home, both partners need emotional and physical support. It’s a bit odd that wasn’t portrayed in the video at all.” Marriage should be a partnership. If this woman is actually married, she certainly isn’t getting any of the benefits of it. With our over-the-top focus on gender role separation, are there really marriages like this where women and men go through their day with no spousal support and no contact from the other sex? That’s what struck me with such force. We all get busy, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t there to support our partner, even via text. We aren’t in this alone. Why have a doctrine of eternal families if she doesn’t even have that support on what I sincerely hope is the worst day of the year?
The odd part is that I think what we are all seeing in this video could possibly been missed by those who created it. They had the theme in mind and used all the occurrences as prove rather then how over-burdened and alone they made the woman appear.
Unintended consequences, perhaps?
The bottom line is that we see 8 minutes of an approximate 12 hour day (7:00 am to about 7:00 pm as mother leaves to meet cousin at airport). For people who claim they aren’t judgmental of others, it seems like a lot commenters have no problem judging the fictional character of the mother as well as the people who wrote/directed the video.
“Why are there no men?”
Probably at work or church calling
“Are men completely exempt from helping out at home?”
When you are out of town for a few days work, then Yes.
“Are there women like this who never see a man from dawn to dusk?”
My wife, I was in Idaho all last week; and will be in Arizona all next week.
Well, Ken, I sure hope you stay in better touch with her than this woman’s husband. She may as well be a widow. If your wife is having this kind of day, I would assume she could count on you for encouragement if she texted you.
IDIAT, it’s a fictional character in a video. The other 11 hours and 52 minutes of her day do not exist. This is important to keep in mind because this is a message we are talking about, not an actual person.
Hawkgirl,
I usually leave the house around 6 and get home around 6, about the same time frame as this video. Usually call one or twice a day (or take a call) unless I am out of cell phone range (like at scout camp as suggested in the previous email). And if she really needed me I’d be there for her.
I think you over analyzed this video. It was trying to teach the benefits of service. You could have easily judged her to have a husband, who happened to be out of cell service that day, or had other commitments not commicated in the remaining 11 hours not shown.
I’m like Ken — out at 5:45am to take son to seminary and then to work, and home about 6:00pm. Maybe one phone call per day with my wife, maybe not. My wife handles things and generally solves her own problems, and I appreciate her for that. In the evening, we talk about each other’s day. We don’t use text. Hawkgrrrl would judgmentally say she might as well be a widow because we don’t stay in better touch with each other, but that would be untrue and uncharitable. I think uncharitable is the whole point of this posting.
“I think uncharitable is the whole point of this posting.”
ji, I think you are being unfair with this statement. Maybe the point is that the demographic for which you feel charity and concern is a different demographic to the one for which those criticising the video feel concern. There appear to have been lots of different reactions to the video, looking back over comments on various blogs. I don’t think “where are the men?” is a question that shouldn’t be considered as part of the wider discussion the video getting.
To the wider post, in my own life, I’m an SAHM, my husband leaves at 7.30am, and will return some time between 5.30 – 6.30pm. He specifically picked a job, and we selected our place of residence so that he would have time to spend with the kids too (something his father hadn’t been able to do), which was important to him. But some evenings he’s straight back out again for church meetings, since he’s currently on the bishopric. If he senses I’m not so cheerful, he’ll text me midday and ask how things are going, but I get on with things. I love being there when the kids leave and when they get back from school.
Neither of us is a great a multi-tasker, I try not to make my days too complicated. I have provided meals to others at short notice before. I keep breakfast simple. I don’t cook breakfast. There’s a choice of healthy cereals and sometimes fresh fruit as well. I don’t enjoy cooking, and there’s no way I’d contemplate it first thing in the morning. A full English breakfast is something we enjoy on our holidays.
I showed this to my never mo girlfriend who knows zero about the LDS church. She borrowed a quote from a comedienne whose name escapes me: “watching that video I can feel my tubes tying themselves.”
As others have said, it’s about the message being portrayed, which appears to be, you are alone working in the home and with children, your service makes a difference, you should say yes to everything that comes your way, and although you may be frustrated, you should know you make a difference even if nobody ever recognizes it (‘society’, and all their evil ‘modern’ notions) and even if no one else is there for you.
As for the men discussing what time they leave and come home….. There are I’m sure, women who do likewise. The point of the grousing is, this video conveys the message, the sexes are in their separate (but somehow equal) spheres, we are each alone in handling our business in these separate spheres, and we should all just hold strong, do our separate things, serve and say yes, because to portray it differently would have been in contradiction to the proclamation on the fam, but yet the church wants to appear to show their appreciation for wimmins work.
And the frustration toward this message is – marriage is supposed to be a partnership of equals, not one where we are each alone in our respective days, with NO support from our loved ones. Otherwise, what’s the point of being married? It is NOT beyond a stay at home parent to have understanding for the spouse’s work life, nor should it beyond a working spouse to have understanding for a spouse who stays at home.
This is a 1950s model of families and parenting and bringing home the bacon. Back in the day, women used to forage and gather and bring home the bacon too. Women used to help farm. It appears a tad depressing via this video to be home all day, and there are a few snarkey conclusions that could be drawn from Utah’s anti depressant stats correlating to stay at home moms (and I think whatever people choose for themselves is a-ok!)
Being a mother is darn hard work and many times no one is there to relieve you including the husband. Mothethood is like medical school. No time off no holidays
“and I think whatever people choose for themselves is a-ok!”
Then let us chose the model without ridiculing, suggesting all stay at home moms are depressed, or stuck in the 1950’s. Which, by the way is not a bad thing; this is when America was on the rise on so many positive levels. .
#32 – and whgat, PRAY tell, is wrong that this young woman ASKS her Heavenly Father for help in accomplishing what she feels needs to be done? At least she then does her darnednest to accomplish the tasks! If she’s naive in thinking that magically it’ll just happen in spite of unrealistic expectations or failure to observe the “law of the harvest”, sure then the issue is what she’s asking for, but not that she prays. I contrast with this gem from the “Simpsons” back some twenty years ago when it had some edge:
Funny? Yes, but reveals the writer’s complete lack of understanding.
The only things that I would agree with are: (1) if we don’t get it all done, e.g., we’re not Superman or Superwoman, we needn’t feel that we failed or didn’t exercise enough faith, and (2) it’s ok to say “no” if you honestly believe that you can’t. Those that ‘reach back for a little something more’ are great, yes, and their faith and/or dedication is to be commended, but at times the feet hurt, the back aches, the eyelids get heavy, and you’re feeling grouchy. Then those self-righteous twits start chiming in about “The Lord wants a “CHEERFUL doer”, that if you grumble, “Gawd” will count it the same as if you stayed home. I don’t buy that at all. Our “dogfaces” or GIs have always been the gripingest, grouchiest, most ill-mannered and unmilitary Army ever fielded..and we’ve consistently kicked the crap out of those we’ve faced in a fair fight. ‘Whistle while you work’ is for a Disney cartoon…
This is a shocking video, and reflects my experience of the many mormon women I have known who will medicate themselves rather than either name their own boundaries or require their husbands or indeed fathers or male relatives to play an appropriate part in family life. I think this is a massive ‘own goal’ in our relationships, leaving husbands and fathers without a role to play, and sons with no use for themselves.
I have served in Relief Societies where men were so infantilised that a large proportion of our time was spent in succoring women and children who did not confront their husbands and fathers with the needs of the family, rather required RS to fill the gap. Recently we were involved in feeding a brother every night whilst his wife underwent an extended stay in hospital, which involved a massive effort of woman power. Since we were on his route back and forth to hospital, we offered to take on this task ourselves, but in doing so enquired of him if there were other family members who might enjoy the opportunity of sustaining this couple in their time of need, and , since these needs were not going to substantially change on her return from hospital, my husband worked with him to enable him to shop and plan for the changes that her change of abilities would entail. RS sisters are already sufficiently burdened without this massive fantasy of endless ability to manage being foisted upon them. It causes marriages to fail and bitterness to grow.
#47 – ??? Is thiis brother elderly and unable to care for himself? He can’t open a can and zap something in the microwave or go through the drive-thru at Del Taco on “3 for $1.09″ night? Or put a load of clothes in the washer? Or run a Kirby vac? Something seems VERY wrong there…Glad that your husband stepped up and helped out, perhaps this guy got a little ‘talking to…” It would make my already thinned-out blood (years of anti-coagulants) boil to see a perfectly capable man being served by sisters that likely are scrambling as it is…
My parents have a very “traditional” marriage (because they are old and my dad’s a WW2 vet), but when my mom was in the hospital for 4 months, my dad was capable of making sure we had food in the house and something resembling dinner each night.
I’m a darned good cook, but we have had dinners brought to us when new babies arrived like I was an invalid. I politely mentioned that I could do it, but assumed there might have been as exist assumption that I couldn’t. A forceful refusal would have created offense. Hope those who made food for us did not have days like the woman depicted.
Gosh, hwc, that’s grim. The mind boggles.
My husband can cook, clean, shop, use a washing machine etc.
When we bought our first house, the first thing he did when we moved in was to clean the toilet (something he’d needed to do in every missionary flat he’d ever been in I gather). And back then, since I was commuting and he was home first, I’d get back to find dinner ready to eat. And when each of our 2 kids were born he had 2 weeks leave, and did all the meal preparation and so forth.
My mum related she knew she’d married the right person the night one of us was really sick, and whilst she was dealing with the child, he got up and cleaned up the mess. Yep, my dad can do all those household things too.
Interesting article in Huffington Post today about marital happiness and support. Here’s the relevant quote:
“A wife’s happiness in the marriage has the power to overtake a husband’s marital unhappiness to make his overall life quite pleasant,” Deborah Carr, professor of sociology at Rutgers University and co-author of the study, told The Huffington Post. “That was the finding that makes people say, ‘Happy wife, happy life.’ But it cuts the other way, ‘Miserable wife, miserable life.'”
And
“Clearly, the scales are often tipped in the husband’s favor when it comes to partner support, which could explain all of the research claiming that marriage is good for men’s health (but not necessarily women’s).”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/22/happy-wife-happy-life_n_5843596.html
#52 – I’d have thought you a much smarter woman than to take seriously ANYTHING published by Arianna Huffington et al. Proof Freedom of the Press (PART of the First Amendment) is terribly misused.
What DO women’s NEED men for? (Besides a convenient “whipping boy”?). Ans: Daughters, unless we perfect parthenogenesis.
Interestingly enough, Meridian magazine actually commented on this and it was agreeing that this was reflective of reality and probably sends another signal that may not have been intended.
http://ldsmag.com/article/1/14966