Too often advice comes out in a way that looks like, and feels like, all it is doing is blaming the victim.
I started thinking about that a while back and it came to a focus as I talked to a guy, I’ll call “Mike” (not his real name) who I really respect, probably more than he knows.
We were talking and he brought up that he was able to get a real handle on his personal weaknesses by looking at his resentments. Every resentment was a key to a personal weakness. If he looked at his resentments he found where he had wronged others.
Now if you’ve read Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box by Arbinger Institute or The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict the idea of resentments being a guide to where you have gone wrong is not new to you. It turns out many, many groups use resentments as a way to guide people to finding their own faults.
But about the same time I was reflecting on how what “Mike” said tied into a greater truth, I had a real wake-up call when I asked for some feedback on a short essay I wrote on how to prevail with those above you in a religious hierarchy (I wrote it back in 1996 or before). I was trying to suggest spiritual tools to use in religious conflicts. I’ve always thought about reworking it. My style of the time was very terse and the essay could use 4 or 5 times as much text. It always seems like there are people who want to prevail in conflicts with religious hierarchies, I thought a reworked essay would be a great success. Maybe even a good W&T post.
The response I got was “gee, so the real problem is that I just need to pray more” — or words to that effect. The reader got the message that I was blaming them for having an issue and a conflict when what I wanted them to see was that I thought there were tools that would work. That really caught me up short on my plans to rewrite the essay and to add more nuts and bolts advice to it.
It also made me realize that while reflecting on resentments is fine if you are brilliant and competent like “Mike” — but if you are overwhelmed and feeling mundane that sort of advice comes across as “I’ve been ground down by life, and now it is my fault too if I feel hurt because of it.”
I know, I know all about the Al Anon mantra that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die. I believe it to be true.
I know, resentment binds people together in chains of co-dependency. I believe that too.
But resentment is also what the powerless feel when they’ve been wronged and can’t do anything about it. To tell them that they are to blame for the situation where there is resentment is to tell them to just give up, die and fade away. It does not empower them like it has empowered many.
I’ve been reflecting on this because I know people who are powerless. Not people who have transitory feelings, or who aren’t as privileged as they would like (the type who “oh Lord won’t you give me a Mercedes Benz, my friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends” was written about). But people for whom getting a job as a greeter at a Wal-Mart is a real step up, who have been ground down and ground up by life.
Often these are people who are blinded by AAD or Autism or other problems that keep them from being able to see what they need to see, feel what they need to feel, understand what they need to know in order to connect with others and do more than just survive. Like the friend of mine with serious chemical imbalance caused depression. People kept telling him to get a grip. That was the one thing he could not do.
Reminds me of the guy who preached “you just have to want it” about being able to run to a kid I knew with severe polio problems. I assure you, the problems were more than just a lack of desire.
It is hard for people in those circumstances to find voice.
So, it is one thing for a professor friend of Chauncey Riddle (a BYU professor of philosophy who I admire) to spend seven years praying an hour a day to get an answer from God. It was great advice when Dr. Riddle passed that along to freshmen in college as a guide and I still reflect on some of the things said in that discussion. It was a great example for Alma to have the Church gather together to fast and pray for his son, Alma the Younger. But what do you think are my chances of getting a Church-wide day or days of fasting and prayer for my children?
Even more to the point, what if I’m Anne Without Gables, or starving adjunct with a problem? A harried mother with children and without five minutes to call her own, not an hour or more a day to pray? What advice do I give them when they have a problem?
I’m not sure what advice to give them on how to seek spiritual guidance and help with religious problems.
So I’m asking our readers: What would you suggest?
For the privileged, I can give you lots of suggestions and advice that they probably don’t need. But what about those who lack all privilege? Who are not neuro normal, relatively wealthy, good looking, educated or otherwise ahead of the curve?
I’ve been struggling with variations on the issue of what advice to give those who are submerged, ever since reading of some problems a friend had who just is not socially adept and accepted, who is doing a valiant job, in spite of everything. It was reflecting on what Mike said (which was very, very valuable to me) that made me realize I still don’t have an answer to what advice to give the dispossessed that isn’t as likely to feel like “blame the victim” or “it is really your fault” than to help them find a voice and prevail.
Which is why I’d appreciate thoughts from readers. How do you empower the dispossessed? How do I encourage others?
Wheat & Tares 
Start by listening to them. If they say something’s hurting them, even if you consider it to be an essential part of the gospel, tell them it’s not their fault and help them find a way around it.
GLBT people, autistics, and anyone else that the church leaves out are still people.
A lot of LDS church teachings are kinda victim-blamey honestly. Like the “pride cycle” in the Book of Mormon — if someone you don’t like or look down on isn’t doing well financially, you can say it’s their fault and they deserve it.
Churches are supposed to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. The LDS church does the opposite, consistently, almost every time it’s given a chance. At least, that’s how it seems when you’ve gotten the short end of the stick time after time … and if you even try to say how you feel about it, you’re told that you’re prideful and are rebelling against church leaders.
How many other teachings are there, that say if you feel bad it’s your fault?
Taryn, there are many. The problem is that while for some it is good to hear, for others it just makes them feel worse. Those who are the most empowered need to hear that if they feel they are bad, it is their fault.
Those who are dispossessed need to be listened to, to have people mourn with those who mourn.
The “pride cycle” though, condemns those who if someone you don’t like or look down on isn’t doing well financially, you can say it’s their fault and they deserve it.
That was the whole point of the sermon in the Book of Mosiah telling people that if they said beggars deserved what was happening bad to them, they were denying the mercy and grace of God.
I usually say “Life screws us all at one point or another, whats on your plate?” But if its a male…television tells me to take them out drinking so I got nothing.
Sometimes the best advice is no advice, just a listening ear.
Newly, that is the same sort of thing Silver Rain often says.
#4 – ‘Nuff said…
I’m not good at this myself.
But the first question I ask myself is, did they ask for advice? If not, I try to keep my opinions to myself. This is not the way I was raised, where we has discussions about everyone and “what they should do”. There’s an arrogance there, that I know what’s better for someone else than they do.
I have always found that sharing my onw struggle with something, one on one with a person, and what worked for me can help. And who knows what the outcome is? It may be helpful or not. I typically feel better.
Finally, I believe there are things where there should or can be legitimate anger (like the Jim Crow South). It is not helpful to tell people to just “get over” that anger. There are ways to process what happened while acknowledging a legitimate grievance.
Unless you can cure their disease, get them a job, raise their loved one from the dead, or eliminate society’s prejudices, the best thing to do for the dispossessed, is to give them an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement to continue their journey. But please, don’t try to “fix” them. I am beginning to think that blaming the victim is a form of trying to “fix” them.
dba — good point. I wasn’t clear that I was talking about general advice, of the sort that might be part of a sacrament talk, or a group discussion — rather than advice to a person.
aerin — I should have considered the entire “unsolicited advice” angle.
Stephen your essay speaks to feeling oppressed the OP deals with the concept of blaming victims and you seem to be looking for answers in the metaphor of religon. If you would like to understand the roles of percecutor, victim and rescuer and how they interact more directly take a look at the psychological model: Karpman Drama Triangle http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
Thanks Cowboy. FYI, Stephen M (Ethesis) and Stephen Marsh (the OP) are the same person.
On the drama triangle, I first met it in a feminist sf story that made the point that all men need to be killed.
What I am looking for is ways of teaching that help people as a class without making outsiders and the dispossessed just feel oppressed.
So, how do you teach that marriage is good without making those who are unmarried just feel bad?
How do you teach that most resentments reflect places where you have wronged the other person, and are unhealthy regardless of why they have arisen without making those who have been wronged feel even worse?
How do you bring up that if you want to change a religious institution, spiritual tools give you a better chance than brute force complaining without it sounding like “oh, its your fault you feel that way because you aren’t praying enough”?
So many things are so double edged.
But the link you provided is useful because it points out that in so many situations, victims get something out of being victims. Of course, how do you point out things like co-dependency, etc., without blaming the victim?
Which is the question. I’ve really enjoyed some Al Anon literature I’ve read (disclosure, I don’t have any alcoholics in my life, so I’m sure it does not have the same meaning or depth of meaning for me, but it is still very good for me to read).
They solve it by being a culture of all victims. If they are all victims, and are telling you how to escape, then they are not blaming, they are just saying this is how it is done.
May not be possible. You make a good point since the Drama Triangle implies that many people will get offended, treat you as if you are blaming them, no matter what you do — that is just the role they want to fall into in order to find emotional payoffs.
So that it may very well be that people who take a talk on a subject or a general essay on how to approach a problem as blaming victims are really just drama queens, twisting things to create their own payoff.
Except for the dispossessed.
I think the Karpmann drama triangle can be a helpful model for people who are stuck in a victim mode, but it really just a tool for those who play the games of seeing themselves or others as victim, rescuer or persecutor. I got the sense from Stephen’s description that the downtrodden to whom he refers are not playing that game, but that they are depressed and afflicted. Having said that, my son who has ADHD does struggle with feelings of victimhood and persecution when he is frustrated and those feelings disempower him. I suppose that we all wallow in that from time to time.
It’s important to realize that psychological games are by defination subconscious so almost all people play them until it is successfully raised to their concious attention and most are unaware they are players. Of course some games are more detrimental than others so there are various levels of disfunction. Concious psychological games are by defination manipulation.
When we understand the drama triangle and related games it helps us make genuine rescues and avoid enabling which is healthy for all involved.
What I am looking for is ways of teaching that help people as a class without making outsiders and the dispossessed just feel oppressed. As you know this is very tricky. I use a book called Born to Win by Muriel James it is an introduction to Transactional Analysis for beginners it is an easy read and provides a vocabulary and rules relating to human interaction and communication including the drama triangle. It will walk you successfully through this minefield.
I think/hope I understand now what you are asking.
Q: “How do you teach that marriage is good without making those who are unmarried just feel bad?”
A: I don’t think you can because you set up the question as a black and white question. Maybe you could say, “Sometimes ______ is good” then list the reasons. Then say, “Sometimes _____ is not good” then list the reasons.
Q: “How do you teach that most resentments reflect places where you have wronged the other person, and are unhealthy regardless of why they have arisen without making those who have been wronged feel even worse?”
A: This one is different because you used the qualifier “most.” You could list some examples that make the point but make sure to give equal time to those situations that don’t fit the model.
“So many things are so double edged.” I agree. That’s why you get the paid the big money for teaching Sunday school. 🙂
My thanks to everyone. I’ve a sacrament talk to finish, and will be thinking about your input as I work on it.
I agree with 15’s first point.
The problem isn’t that people aren’t being sufficiently sympathetic — there are a lot of nice people in the LDS church. The problem is that their empathy is short-circuited by LDS church teachings.
If I tell you how miserable I felt as a transgendered bisexual person, growing up, you’re not allowed to consider that LDS church teachings caused all or part of that misery. You’re not allowed to consider the kind of person I am to be in any way valid. You’re taught to “love the sinner,” but in this case that means a hypothetical me who can be happy living your lifestyle. And that person doesn’t exist.
But you’re required to pretend that he does, because your church doesn’t give you any other way to regard me. So I can come close to killing myself, and a ton of others can go through with it, and the blame always has to fall somewhere else.
It’s always that you just weren’t nice enough when you told us we can never have these deep needs of ours satisfied. And kept giving us rocks instead of the bread we needed, and told us that if we couldn’t digest them then we wouldn’t be with our families in heaven.
For what it is worth, here is the talk I gave at Sacrament meeting, making use of the input and comments here:
http://ethesis.blogspot.com/2012/02/talk-i-expect-to-give-at-church-in.html
I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I like the message of not blaming the victim. The last paragraph seems to subvert that, though, by comparing physical disability to a lack of kindness. And by talking about how he didn’t “allow” his disability to define or destroy him. I hate to say it, but that sounds victim blame-y.
It might help to read the writings of disabled bloggers and see how they perceive disability, and what kind of language they use. It was very eye-opening for me, and I grew up disabled.
I have read a number, who refuse to agree that they are defined by disability or that their lives are useless. I wanted my audience to reflect on themselves and think of a lack of kindness to others as a disability they had even if they had no physical disabilities and to see seeking to have the love if Christ in their lives as what they needed.
For what it is worth at least twenty people expressed that they got and appreciated that message.
Guess I need to be clearer for the rest. When I had that in a draft it looked like I was belaboring the point.