It is easy to think that the hard question is “am I bearing your burdens or just enabling you?”
Every time you don’t correct someone who is wrong on a blog, or you do, that question comes to mind.
That may be a question that is easy enough to ask, but the really hard question is even harder.
The really hard question is “if I resent you, what have I done wrong?”
You have all met people who were not as smart as they think they are. Not as amazing. Not as fantastic. Not as special. Who think that they come to self realization, self knowledge by reason rather than by honesty.
You have probably met people who blame themselves for things they can not control (if you can not control it, then by definition it is not your fault, you might be tempted to say, but they blame themselves anyway).
There are many hard questions you can ask, about your own life or the life of others in those situations.
But the hardest question you can really ask, is the one you should ask yourself every time you feel justified, every time you feel resentment, every time you feel entitled and denied. It is, “what have I done wrong in this situation?”
As we get closer to the new year, perhaps the best question to ask ourselves as we make our resolutions is the hardest one.
There are many books on this topic I could recommend, but better would be to look at the comments and reviews for each book, pick one up at your library through interlibrary loan and then ask yourself the hard questions.
Wheat & Tares 
I would add that for many people, the person they hold the most hidden resentment, the person they have done the most wrong to, is his or her own self. I see that very often.
It was kind of a surprise to realize that there are many people who really need to make amends to themselves.
This stuff is VERY important, so thank you… actually I teach a lot of it in my communication class!
“‘am I bearing your burdens or just enabling you?’ Every time you don’t correct someone who is wrong on a blog, or you do, that question comes to mind”
People pull each other to respond in ways they find predictable. We all see through a lens that is based on answers to basic questions such as “Can I trust other people?” “Am I worthy of the care or attention of others?” and “Do I have something to say / Am I capable?” If someone has generally negative answers to those questions (often due to poor parenting) they will pull others to respond to them in ways that confirm those answers… The challenge for the rest of us, and the “really hard question” is to recognize this and NOT respond the way they are pulling us to. As one author put it, we need to “give better back” rather than just reacting.
Taking a look at how our ego is involved in our conficts with others is helpful. Big Mind/Big Heart by Dennis Genpo Merzel explains this very well.
Terry Warner’s book is wonderful–glad you recommended it!
The challenge for the rest of us, and the “really hard question” is to recognize this and NOT respond the way they are pulling us to. As one author put it, we need to “give better back” rather than just reacting. Nicely said.
Big Mind/Big Heart by Dennis Genpo Merzel I’ll have to look at that.
Also, that is probably my favorite online cartoon bit ever. Reminds me of a West Wing episode (if you’ve seen the show) where Josh Lyman becomes obsessed with a website/forum someone starts about him, and he can’t pull away from the computer because he just HAS to respond to all the lies.
Stephen, this is terrific.
In the last year I came to the realization that I have a role in every resentment I’ve felt. It was a little frightening, but a lot liberating.
Warner’s book is a favorite read for me. Someone else recommended Peacegiver to me; now I’ll have to take a look…
I have experienced this, and can second the thought.
One thing I’ve found out, though, is that what you have done wrong is often not what you or others expect it to be.
SilverRain — yes, it is often a great surprise to some people as they figure it out. Not to mention, as some people figure out that the person they have really wronged is themself for giving blame to themselves when they had no control.
Paul In the last year I came to the realization that I have a role in every resentment I’ve felt. It was a little frightening, but a lot liberating. — it really is.
I’m sorry but some of this sounds an awful lot lie blaming the victim and I can’t quite stomach that.
If it doesn’t make sense, or you can’t stomach what I’m saying, read one of the books. I was probably not clear enough or was too terse.
Good scriptures to consider are D&C 64:9 and Matt 6:14-16.
diane – I know what you mean. In my view, an idea like this is better served if it is looked at NOT as blaming the victim, but as each person taking responsibility for their own responses to situations. Blaming is problematic (although it’s often useful), while each individual taking responsibility can be healing, or at least helpful.
In my view, an idea like this is better served if it is looked at NOT as blaming the victim, but as each person taking responsibility for their own responses to situations. Blaming is problematic (although it’s often useful), while each individual taking responsibility can be healing, or at least helpful.
Yes.
It is in not allowing yourself to be a victim rather than blaming the victim.
After all, in real life, resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy dies.
All I can do is reference my own experience. When I see MY role in my resentments, then I can do something about them. I can do nothing about people who wrong me, only about how I respond to what they do.
Paul, I agree that it is important to control the things we can control rather than obsess about the things we can not control.