Following in the footsteps of Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, Elon Musk has prepared a new edition of the Holy Bible. Wheat & Tares proudly and exclusively offers readers the following excerpts:
Xcerpt from the Book of Revelation
And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels prevailed not.
Thus the great dragon was cast out out into the earth. The Devil, that old serpent, was DOGE’d, and his angels were DOGE’d with him. Behold, the efficiency of the Lord.
—Revelation 12:7-9, The Holy Bible, Elon Musk Version of the King James Version
Xcerpt from Genesis
And the Lord God said, “Behold, the man Adam is become as one of us, to know good and evil.” Now, lest he put forth his hand, and take from the tree of life, and never be great again, the Lord God sent Adam forth from the garden of Eden.
So God verily DOGE’d the man; and he placed Techbrohim at the east of the Garden of Eden, with a lithium-ion flaming sword that turned every way, to protect the Tree of X. Behold the efficiency of Jehovah and Elohim.
—Genesis 3:22-24, The Holy Bible, EMV-KJV
Xcerpt from Exodus
Behold the restructuring of the Lord’s feast, who passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Egypt. And the people bowed their heads and worshipped. Then the fanboys of Israel went and did as the Lord had commanded Moses and Aaron.
And it came to pass, at midnight the Lord DOGE’d the people of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the fully-funded prison.
—Exodus 12:27-29, The Holy Bible, EMV-KJV
Xcerpt from Ruth
And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down. Then Ruth came softly and laid down at his feet. And it came to pass at midnight, that the man was afraid: for behold… a woman.
And Boaz said, “Who art thou?” And she answered, “I am Ruth thine handmaid; be thou a provider and protector for thine handmaid.”
And Boaz said, “Blessed be thou of the Lord, my daughter. At the coming up of the sun, provide me a parchment, and list upon it thine accomplishments. If thou canst list five bullet points of what you did last week, then my daughter, fear not.”
—Ruth 3:7-11, The Holy Bible, EMV-KJV
Xcerpt from Jonah
And the word of the Lord came unto Jonah, saying, “Arise, go unto Nineveh, that great city, and preach against its fraud and waste.”
So Jonah arose, and went unto Nineveh, and he cried, and said, “Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be DOGE’d.”
Then the people of Nineveh believed God, and proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least, and did give themselves over to the efficiency of the Lord.
And God saw their works, and God repented of the evil, and said, “No, wait. Actually, I need you to labor all 40 days before I DOGE this city anyway.” And some Ninevites returned to their works. But others, having already hired out to privately funded cities, were never found in Nineveh again.
—Jonah 3, The Holy Bible, EMV-KJV
DISCLAIMER: It ought to go without saying that this post is satire. But to be clear: this post is satire. Honestly, my only real goal here is to encourage the use of “DOGE” as a verb.
Okay, readers, what is your reaction to the above excerpts? What other scriptural passages, including perhaps general conference addresses, could benefit from a DOGE-esque translation?
Wheat & Tares 
The obvious one for me is the story of the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11:1-9.
Before the people could finish the tower the LORD first DOGE’d their common language then DOGE’d them from their homes and workplaces into faraway places. Many people believe a great leader later arose and the people cried out, “Sir, Make Babel Great Again!” But that written record has been lost, due either to incompetence or corruption.
Rich, that record was lost when the biblical archivists were (accidentally?) DOGE’d while making Babel great again. The current version was written by auto pen.
The merchant of Moab came into Israel and gained great wealth particularly from from selling the people a new type of chariot. He preached to the people saying, “thou shalt not cancel” and seized upon a media platform of the people thereby enabling the noisiest among them to be noisier. He gained the graces of the King of Israel who appointed him to DOGE the servants that he deemed annoying. Some of these servants has become suspicious of the merchant of Moab’s undertakings and began looking into to what he was doing. The merchant of Moab cancelled and DOGE’d all those tasked with looking into his activities. And it came to pass that the King of Israel issued a proclamation that would impose a great tax on the people of Israel for buying foreign wares. The merchant of Moab was upset by the proclamation and spoke out against the King of Israel. So the King of Israel threatened to cut all the contracts given to the merchant is Moab. This led the merchant of Moab into a frenzy and to announce on his platform before the people that the King of Israel was implicated in secret parchments about a deceased predator who had once ravaged the young girls of the land.