I recently stumbled across a very succinct description of the major Christian denominations in the US on a Reddit thread. The OP was asking if there were any rivalries between the denominations in the United States, which I thought was funny to ask because for sure there are! Here’s the excellent run-down given by aceholeman:

Catholics: “We wrote the book. Literally. You’re welcome.” They’ve got 2,000 years of tradition, a pope, incense that smells like guilt, and enough saints to start a fantasy football league. Everyone else? Schismatics. Extra points deducted if you don’t know Latin or if your communion bread isn’t flat and tasteless.

Eastern Orthodox: “We didn’t change, you left.” They’ve been quietly judging everyone since 1054. Services are 3 hours long, mostly chanting, and half the congregation is asleep by the second epistle. Still, they think they’re the last ones not drinking from the theological kiddie pool.

Baptists: “No dancing, no drinking, no Calvinism. Just Jesus and casserole.” They’re the spiritual version of a HOA. If your baptism didn’t involve full submersion and public confession, it doesn’t count. They think the Pope is the Antichrist and guitars in worship are a slippery slope to Hell.

Pentecostals: “If someone isn’t speaking in tongues, we failed.” They’re loud, they’re sweaty, and at least two people are being slain in the Spirit before the offering plate makes it halfway down the aisle. Baptists think they’re demon-possessed. Catholics think they’re adorable. The fire marshal disagrees.

Methodists: “We believe in grace, but like… casually.” Think Baptists with a diversity committee. They believe everything in moderation, including doctrine. Their theology is like lukewarm tea—comforting, safe, and mildly disappointing.

Lutherans: “Justified by faith and emotionally repressed since 1517.” They started the whole Protestant mess but now just want to be left alone to drink beer and grumble about the Pope. They believe in grace, but they’ll explain it to you like a German tax code.

Presbyterians: “We predestined this roast.” They brought charts, footnotes, and a five-point sermon on why they were right before you were even born. They’ll let you into Heaven, but only if it’s been approved by committee.

Anglicans/Episcopalians: “Catholicism, but we kept the tea and ditched the celibacy.” High church? Vestments, incense, kneeling, standing, kneeling again. Low church? Acoustic guitars and someone named Chad preaching in Vans. Either way, half the congregation is gay and the other half is British.

Non-Denominational: “Not a denomination (but exactly like one).” Every sermon starts with “We’re not like those other churches.” Translation: It’s Baptist doctrine with a fog machine and a sermon series called “Jesus: The Original Influencer.”

Seventh-day Adventists: “Jesus is coming back. Probably Saturday. Bring snacks.” Vegetarian, suspicious of cheese, and convinced your Sunday worship is a warm-up act for the Beast. Don’t offer them bacon. Just don’t.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: “Knock knock. It’s salvation—door-to-door edition.” They’re the theological MLM. No birthdays, no blood transfusions, and no chill. They think everyone is wrong—and have the pamphlets to prove it.

Mormons: “Hi, we brought jello, a whole other Bible, and six generations of matching outfits.” They’ve got theology written in fanfiction, a god with planets, and a church PR team that could rival Disney. But hey, they look happy—and that makes Baptists suspicious.

Quakers: “Shhh. God’s trying to talk and you’re all loud as hell.” They sit in silence. No rituals, no hierarchy, no yelling. The introverts of Christianity. Somewhere in the corner, one of them is still waiting for a “leading” to use the bathroom.

Unitarians: “God is… a vibe?” No hell, no judgment, and definitely no doctrine. If spirituality were a Build-A-Bear workshop, these folks made theirs out of recycled affirmations and wind chimes. Even the Methodists are like, “Bro… seriously?”

In the End: Everyone’s pretty sure they got it right. But if there’s one thing they can all agree on, it’s this:

Whatever the Westboro Baptists are doing? That ain’t it.

A few other commenters shared some jokes that they’ve heard about the various denominations. Here are a few that you may have heard:

  • Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don’t recognize the Pope, and Baptists don’t recognize each other at the liquor store.
  • Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up? They might be accused of dancing.
  • What’s the difference between Methodists and Baptists? Methodists say hello to each other at the liquor store.
  • How many Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They prefer eternal darkness.
  • How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer on a fishing trip? Bring a second Baptist.
  • Non denominational churches: Where every pastor is their own pope. (This reminds me of the Don Novello skit on SNL years ago in which he declared he was leading a schism in which “all the people are Pope” selling Papal pantsuits for women among other things).
  • If you put 12 Methodists in a room and ask a theological question, you’ll get 13 answers.
  • The Episcopalian church is Diet Catholic. Same taste, half the guilt.
  • Mormons are to mainline Christians as Christians are to Jews. In both cases, the older group looks at the newer group and says “Yeah, I don’t think you should be using our book that way. And don’t even get me started about that new book you added.”

I mean, it seems like the Baptists are the ones catching strays here. Apparently they are lushes.

And of course, there’s the old Emo Phillips routine:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Today’s post is maybe more light-hearted than most, and certainly a quicker read. Here’s the thing–when I read the original question (in a generic forum for questions not associated with Mormons), I was surprised by two things: 1) that Mormons were “mainstream” enough to even be mentioned, and 2) that Mormons were not really the target of the old jokes they always used to be, about polygamy and being weirdos. It seems that people actually know Mormons and see them as kind of just another denomination–with silly beliefs and fake scripture, sure–but not reviled and hated as when I was growing up. Of course, the further down the thread I read, I was quickly disabused of that as former Mormons chimed in to educate everyone on all the weird/bad/heretic things Mormons “really” believe.[1]

This increase in mainstream acceptance might go hand in hand with the watering-down of unique Mormon theology (what others would call heresies) that I feel we’ve all been blogging about for over a decade, including a piece I wrote in 2014 about Strange Bedfellows in which I apparently had a dream about visiting the Creationism museum.

Another thing that I found somewhat surprising (in a good way) in that Reddit thread was that so many commenters who professed faith or belonging to various denominations also expressed universalist beliefs, that basically it didn’t matter what church you went to, that everyone was just doing their best to be a good person, and that God would be cool with that. Even when a commenter thought he was spilling the beans about Mormons baptizing the dead (against their will!) it was mostly met with a shrug. “Eh, we’ll be dead. I’m cool with God. What do I care what others believe?” That universalist trend did not, however, extend to the Christian Nationalists seeking to impose their will on others through a takeover of the government. There was a lot of dislike for enforcing your own moral interpretations on others.

  • Are there better descriptions for some of these denominations?
  • Are there denominations not included that you can succinctly describe?
  • Have you found Mormons gaining more mainstream acceptance in your lifetime? Why or why not? Is there less inter-denominational animus than their used to be?
  • What jokes about various denominations have you heard that aren’t listed here?

Discuss.

[1] Mostly stuff that the majority of Mormons I know actually don’t believe or even know about, but yes, Mormons who are long dead used to, and these things were taught by weirdos like Brigham Young.