Back in 2014, I wrote a post titled, Facing Your Parents Mortality. At the time, I didn’t know my dad had just 4 more years to live and mom had 8 years left. Dad died at age 78. Mom died at age 82. I think they were in their 50s when they were diagnosed with congestive heart failure. This week, I discovered I’m having some health issues myself.
Judging by their life, I’ve still got 25 years left. But I’ve had more doctor appointments in the past 10 days than I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t like it. Most tests are coming back normal, which is good, but also bad. If it was something simple, they could give me some antibiotics or something and I’d be done. Instead, they keep running tests to try to figure out what’s wrong.
So, it’s given me a reason to start exercising. I’m trying intermittent fasting to lose weight, which so far no doctor has told me I need to do, but of course I’m not the weight I used to weigh in high school when I ran cross country and played basketball all the time.
I was listening to a Freakonomics episode this week that discussed Ozempic as an almost miracle drug. It lowers weight, appetite, diabetes, improves heart function. Side effects include diarhea, constipation, and other intestinal distress. Other than that, it almost sounds too good to be true. Then I learned that there is another drug called Zepbound with even greater weight loss.
Stephen Dubner interviewed Ezekiel Emmanuel, an oncologist and medical ethecist about Ozempic, but about other health issues as well. Emmanuel had some interesting things to say. Back in 2014, Zeke wrote an article titled, Why I Hope to Die at 75. In 2024, Zeke is now 67 years old. One of the controversial things he said was he did not want to take life-prolonging treatment after age 75. At the time, this included flu shots, antibiotics, and vaccines. With COVID coming out in 2019, he has softened his stance on vaccines, and he said he would take a COVID vaccine now. On the other hand, he said that if he broke his hip, he would get it repaired.
Why age 75? Zeke said that 30% of people have a cognitive decline at age 80 and he wasn’t interested in finding out if he’s in that 30%. The rate of Alzheimers is going down, but the raw numbers of people are going up due to baby boomers aging. He said far too many people say that they want good quality of life, but then when they get to that age, opt for quantity of life instead of quality of life by taking so many medications to prolong life.
The Nixon administration started a War on Cancer. Many argue it hasn’t succeeded. However, there is an argument that cardiovascular care has improved so much since Nixon that people are living longer with cardiac problems and dying of cancer instead.
It should be noted that Ezekiel Emmanuel is the brother of former Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel. Zeke was involved in both crafting Obamacare and advising Pres Trump in his first term about health care. So it seems he has a very solid grasp of the issues of end of life care.
So it brings up several questions. Do you agree with Ezekiel Emmanuel with regards to end of life? Would you like to die at age 75? Are these questions that Mormon leaders have weighed in on? Is it a personal decision? Have you put a living will together? To be honest, I have a form to fill out for a living will, but I have not filled it out.
It does remind me of my parents once again. Dad basically died of stubbornness. He had some kidney problems that would have been easily solved with medication that he refused to take. He was 78, not 75. He was in cognitive decline. It’s not the choice I would have made, but it was his choice.
Mom was also slowing down. She had 1 COVID shot but never got a booster. When the hospital frantically called and asked if we should put her on a ventilator, we were pretty sure she wouldn’t want that. (We were right, but unsure at the time.) She pulled through and told us she didn’t want a ventilator, so we were happy we picked correctly. She did choose to forego life-prolonging treatment, and died about 2 weeks later.
I miss them both. I doubt they read Ezekiel Emmanuel’s article, but they basically followed his advice. It was hard for me to watch as a son.
I also was asked to give the prayer and pass the sacrament at a nursing home on Sunday. (Surprisingly it was half-hour church! They made an announcement that Sunday School was on Wednesday. Isn’t that Wednesday School? 😉 )
Looking around the room, and considering the doctor visits I had that week, I looked around the room and wondered if I would choose to stay in a place like that if I couldn’t take care of myself. I definitely wouldn’t want to be there. I also know that my parents were having problems taking care of themselves. It makes me understand their decisions better. But I do miss them too.
So, I’ll pose the questions again. I’m feeling quite contemplative today.
Do you agree with Ezekiel Emmanuel with regards to end of life? Would you like to die at age 75? Are these questions that Mormon leaders have weighed in on? Is it a personal decision? Have you put a living will together?
Wheat & Tares 
I would like to die at 95, because that means I would most likely be still relatively healthy at 75. Then if I have the last couple of years of bad health, just think of the additional years of pretty good health. Maybe better put, I want to go like my dad did, 11 days of poor health at 94. What I don’t want is where it looks like I am headed, years and years of arthritis pain. The things I most want to avoid is pain for years or going long after my husband. So, I would rather go quickly in a car accident with my husband next to me, both DOA at the hospital. Any time now, surprise me. And of course I don’t want my husband picking dead at 75 because he is already 76.
I am almost 81. I have aches and pains but I can swim and am still cognitively sharp. I have filled out my end of life statement and discussed it carefully with both of my daughters. My wife died at 64 of cancer and I nursed her at home during her last days. She did not want to go to the hospital so she died beside me in our bed. After watching her last days I have strong views of medically aid in dying. When the end is certain, I feel that there is nothing wrong in giving lots of pain meds to keep the person comfortable even if it will shorten their life.
I don’t feel the need to select a certain age to leave this mortal coil. When I was 20, I thought 60 was pretty old. My mother lived to 94 and I think she would rather have lived to 93 with all of the pain and travail she had to endure in that last year. 81 is a good old age and I am feeling the weight of my birth certificate every morning when I roll out of bed. Keep on plugging no matter what your age, you really don’t have much say in when you leave.
here am I at the end of life
which is pretty much where we always are
for some of us pass swiftly and soon
and other late and long
yet we all end
and its always sooner than later
whether the mermaids sing or not
the West will welcome Frodo, and thee,
and me
and we will dwell there together
Warning: Offense comment ahead
I’d like to die at 75. My experience with people over 75 is that they are cranky and mean. I don’t want to become cranky and mean, that’s my biggest fear in life. (I cognitively know that there are lots of really sweet old happy people over the age of 75, I just haven’t met any of them).
I always tell people that my plan is: I’d like to live 95 years worth of life in 67 years. I feel like I’m on a good pace (I’ve lived in 6 states, 4 countries, and I’ve been consistently checking things off of my bucket list). I actually think I’ll live past the age of 67, but at that point, I’ll consider any remaining years to be “bonus years”. Hopefully, I will be able to be happy, relaxed, and have nothing to worry about because at that point I’ll have lived a full life and “Really, I should be dead by now. I don’t need to worry or be mean or cranky about anything.”
Please encourage all adults to get a living will. Don’t leave family members guessing and fighting. Opt in to your company’s prepaid legal plan for a year and get it taken care of. It’s quite simple.
I don’t think church wants members choosing when they die. Unless it’s cosmetic surgery the church seems to frown on people exercising body autonomy (ie tattoos piercings abortion gender self care and even cremation). YMMV.
I’m trying very hard in my 40s to be healthy as I can stand so quality of life is great down the road. Job and family stress seems to cause me loads of problems but exercise, massage and yoga/stretching help. I also am trying to cultivate an open mindset to avoid being a grumpy old man one day like our next set of federal elected/appointed officials. Of course the better help would be less work and family stress but the world doesn’t seem interested in that.
Here’s hoping our twilight years can be restful and filled with loved ones.
75 seems ridiculously young to me, but it certainly does depend on one’s health. There are people who are young old and people who are old old, and it’s really not a factor of your years, but your health (including mental acuity). Given that my parents are both nearly 100, it seems unlikely I’m going to die at 75, but you never know I guess.
I have definitely seen that aging can make you cranky, but usually it just does that when you don’t feel well and are already prone to crankiness. My dad, who had a TIA stroke last year and has macular degeneration has really been enjoying the 949 piece Lego advent puzzle I sent him this year. My mom, on the other hand, has taken a real downturn, and I am not sure she’s going to make it to 98 (her older sister died at 97). Losing a spouse is one of the hardest things someone can go through, so that’s another worry. At some point, you don’t have any friends your age, and you don’t really engage with the modern world. BTW, one of the things they have done to keep their minds sharp is that they do puzzles every morning (sudoku, cryptogram, crossword and jumble). If you visit, they hand you a sheet of these puzzles at breakfast with a pencil, and you are expected to finish these puzzles before lunch. I showed my Dad wordle, and he thought it was nifty, but I’m not sure he’s continued with it. I think Connections might be a little too difficult due to some of the modern references. They also play games like Triominos that require strategy and scorekeeping. Neither one of them has ever gotten very overweight, so they have been able to stay active until just this last year.
BTW, I did a post on Ozempic a few years ago, and I’ve used it, albeit just a sampler pen for one month at a time. I did lose (and have completely kept off) about 20 pounds. My habits are back to being good ones (when I hit menopause they suddenly went off the rails for about two years). I’m not sure I’d do it again but I don’t think I will need to. Since using it, I haven’t been over 25 BMI again. Would recommend. https://wheatandtares.org/2023/03/08/hello-zempic/
I read Zeke’s article about hoping to die at 75 many years ago and it made a lot of sense to me. I’ve planned my life with the assumption that I have less than 25 years left. That’s a lot of motivation to do all the fun and exciting things I want to do. Having a “dead” line (ha!) makes me consider things differently in a way that’s produced courage and priorities.
I don’t want to experience dementia and cognitive decline. Another reason that I want to die when I’m still independent and relatively healthy is that I don’t have anyone to take care of me. My sons aren’t really caretaker types, though maybe they’ll surprise me. I would rather die when people will miss me, rather than dragging out the dying process until my sons are relieved I’m finally gone. Or ending up in a horrible nursing home full of other people who don’t have anyone to check in on them.
my wife and I are both 76, but we live in a place where the life expectancy is 5 years higher than America, and where the healthcare is better. The environment is also more friendly. Today 30c and humidity in the high 90s.
https://www.psu.edu/news/research/story/australia-offers-lessons-increasing-american-life-expectancy
this article is interesting, It suggests that a major part of the difference is the death rate for 46 64 year old Americans is much higher than Australians. Road accidents, gun deaths, lack of healthcare.
We have been talking about an end of life plan. I had a couple of strokes in June, and this has undermined my wife’s confidence in my abilities. We also have voluntary assisted dying here.
I had been planning a round Aus trip in the Tesla X and going to some of the places we could not get to in the Citroen we drove round in last time. Parts of Kakadu and the Bungle bungles for example. My wife is not enthusiastic saying she might end up in an isolated place with a deat husband and a dead car, and no form of communication. I had thought we aught to make the most of the time we have left, but perhaps not in isolated places.
We have just renewed our passports. Cruises perhaps.
I see that old age is a particular challenge – firstly because one has never been old before, so they don’t know how to do it well – secondly because it IS disheartening to watch [from within] as the various bodily parts and functions slowly wind down – thirdly because joint pains become an ever increasing fact of life, accompanying every movement. So, I think we are equal parts saddened and relieved when an old person passes from this mortality.
Our challenge, while we do remain alive, is to illuminate our path as much as possible and hope to brighten that of those around us, while consciously attempting to subsume those above-mentioned distractions to goodness and happiness. Just today, our beloved Pope Francis penned these words:
“Today, nothing cheers me as much as meeting children. When I was a child, I had those who taught me to smile, but now that I am old, children are often my mentors. The meetings with them are the ones that thrill me the most, that make me feel best.
And then those meetings with old people: those elderly who bless life, who put aside all resentment, who take pleasure in the wine that has turned out well over the years, are irresistible. They have the gift of laughter and tears, like children.” [NY Times/17 Dec 2024]
Re “The Nixon administration started a War on Cancer”
Most people would be much smarter and better informed if they had awareness of what the “war on cancer” movement (and the “Breast Cancer Awareness” movement, etc) does NOT raise awareness about.
The official mainstream “war on cancer” has been an unofficial “war” on the unsuspecting public: to keep them misinformed and misguided about the real truth of this “war.” The latest program/”promise” is an extension or reincarnation of the enduring deep racket.
This PHONY official “war” was never meant to be won but to be CONTINUED (preferably endlessly, at least for decades) so that the criminal BIG allopathic medical business (the medical mafia) built around it makes insane profits and defrauds the general naive/foolish public, which they’ve been doing successfully … so “THEY ARE winning THEIR war against the general forever-naive/forever-foolish public”..
The orthodox cancer establishment has been saying a cure for cancer “is just around the corner” and “we’re winning the war on cancer” for decades. It’s almost all hype and lies (read Dr. Guy Faguet’s ‘War on cancer,” Dr. Sam Epstein’s work, or Clifton Leaf’s book, or Dr. Siefried’s work on this bogus ‘war’, etc). The criminal medical establishment deliberate and falsely self-servingly claims and distorts a ‘win’ in the bogus ‘war on cancer’ when the only truly notably win is a reduction in lung cancer mortality due to a huge reduction in smoking (eg ca. 40% reduction of the overall cancer death rate in men between 1990-2006 was because of a large reduction in cigarette smoking [https://tinyurl.com/ypk4ccyj]), which has NOTHING to do with their cancer treatments. Lying is their mode of operation.
Since the war on cancer began orthodox medicine hasn’t progressed in their basic highly profitable therapies: it still uses primarily and almost exclusively highly toxic, deadly things like radiation, chemo, surgery, and drugs that have killed millions of people instead of the disease.
As long as the official “war on cancer” is a HUGE BUSINESS based on expensive TREATMENTS (INTERVENTIONS) of a disease instead of its PREVENTION, logically, they will never find a cure for cancer. The moonshot-war on cancer inventions, too, includes industry-profitable gene therapies of cancer treatment that are right in line with the erroneous working model of mechanistic reductionism of allopathic medicine.
The lucrative game of the medical business is to endlessly “look for” a cure but not “find” a cure. Practically all resources in the phony ‘war on cancer’ are poured into TREATMENT of cancer but almost none in the PREVENTION of the disease. Eg, Heidi Williams, the director of science policy at the Institute for Progress, explained that from the time the “War on Cancer” was announced, in 1971, until 2015, only six drugs were approved to prevent any cancer. From 1973 to 2011, nearly 30,000 trials were run for drugs that treated recurrent or metastatic cancer, compared with fewer than 600 for cancer prevention.
It’s IRREFUTABLE PROOF POSITIVE that BIG MONEY and a TOTAL LACK OF ETHICS rule the official medical establishment.
It’s just like with any bogus official “war” (‘war on drugs’, ‘war on terrorism’, ‘war on covid’ etc) — it’s not about winning these wars but to primarily prolong them because behind any of these fraudulent “war” rackets of the criminal establishment is a Big Business, such as the massive cancer industry. The very profitable TREATMENT focus of conventional medicine, instead of a PREVENTION focus which these official medical quacks (or rather crooks) can hardly make any money off, is a major reason why today 1 of 2 men and 1 in 3 women can expect a cancer diagnosis at some point in their lifetimes (https://tinyurl.com/ypk4ccyj) yet that rate was multiple times lower 5 decades ago when the phony ‘war on cancer’ began (1 in about 16) and the current much higher rate cannot at all be attributed solely to an aging population. And 5 decades ago when this bogus war began cancer was the second leading cause of death and 50 years later it is STILL the second leading cause of death in the country this “war” was declared in (https://tinyurl.com/ypk4ccyj). These facts alone prove we are NOT winning the war on cancer.
At the same time, this same orthodox cancer cartel has been suppressing and squashing a number of very effective and beneficial alternative cancer approaches. You probably guessed why: effective, safe, inexpensive cancer therapies are cutting into the astronomical profits of the medical mafia’s lucrative treatments. That longstanding decadent activity is part of the fraud of the war on cancer.
If the public were to scrutinize what the medical industry and its government pawns are telling them about the ‘war on cancer’ instead of blindly believing what they’re saying, they’d find that the cancer industry and the cancer charities have been dismissing, ignoring, and obfuscating the true causes of cancer while mostly putting the blame for cancer on the individual, denying or dismissing the serious harms from orthodox cancer treatments and chemical toxicants, and resorting to deceptive cancer statistics to “educate” (think: mislead) the public that their way of treatment is actually successful — read this well referenced scholarly article’s (“A Mammogram Letter The British Medical Journal Censored”) afterword on the war on cancer at https://www.rolf-hefti.com/mammogram.html (scroll down to the afterword that addresses the fraudulent ‘war on cancer’).
What the medical establishment “informs” the public about is about as truthful as what the political establishment keeps telling them. Not to forget, the corporate media (the mainstream fake news media) is a willing tool to spread these distortions, lies, and the scam of the war on cancer.
Does anyone really think it’s a coincidence that double Nobel laureate Linus Pauling called the ‘war on cancer’ a fraud? If you look closer you’ll come to the same conclusion. But…politics and self-serving interests of the conventional medical cartel, and their allied corporate media, keep the real truth far away from the public at large. Or people’s own denial of, or indifference to, the real truth.
I always wanted to go at 80. Now that my dad is 80 and trucking along and his dad lived to his 90’s and was still strong as an ox (died because he fell, broke his hip and developed pneumonia) I don’t know what I want.
It’s like when i used to say I’d rather have stomach flu than a cold because you get over it in 24 hours. Then I got a gnarly case of stomach flu and realized I’d rather have the cold.
I will continue to plan for a positive future and try to live in a way I can contribute until the day I die. I hope to have a long life full of contributions but of course anyone can die tomorrow. I accept that.
I will live in the day I am in because that’s the only day I have any control over. When I lose that control and others make my decisions, I will accept that best I can and continue to enjoy whatever beauties are left to me in the day I am in.
About dementia : in some ways it isn’t too much different than being a child or infant. If we love and support children and infants as they progress through their natural development, why would we eschew our elderly as they progress through their natural decline? There’s natural beauty and love to give and receive in this progression as well. There are opportunities to show our love and care just as we show it with children or disabled people.
This care for others in need is more holy and purifying than attending any temple or church. It is more holy and purifying than reading any scripture or praying. Caring for others in need makes us more like God than obeying any commandments, wearing any special clothing or making any ritual and symbolic covenants. I wish more people and churches understood and teach this reality which I experience daily.
Death emphasizes to us the value of what we do with each moment of our lives. It’s a natural progression we can accept as part of the beauty of nature and God.
The only thing I dread are the effects of my loss on those who are dependant on my care. For this reason I spend each day encouraging them to reach more independence.
My goal has always been to die like Sonny Bono.
“This care for others in need is more holy and purifying than attending any temple or church. It is more holy and purifying than reading any scripture or praying. Caring for others in need makes us more like God than obeying any commandments, wearing any special clothing or making any ritual and symbolic covenants. I wish more people and churches understood and teach this reality which I experience daily.”
Thank you lws329, this is so well said.
“This care for others in need is more holy and purifying than attending any temple or church. It is more holy and purifying than reading any scripture or praying. Caring for others in need makes us more like God than obeying any commandments, wearing any special clothing or making any ritual and symbolic covenants. I wish more people and churches understood and teach this reality which I experience daily.”
This!
As a 19-year-old college freshman I was diagnosed with a chronic, autoimmune condition (Crohn’s disease). Now at 73, I can finally (and rather begrudgingly) admit there was a blessing of sorts in that: perfect health is pretty much a myth. Everybody’s got something, as the saying goes, although the extent and severity of that “something” varies widely. Life, indeed, can be unfair. There are no guarantees.
Living with a chronic condition helped prepare me for the arrival of an acute and life-threatening condition about 25 years ago: end-stage liver cirrhosis. The plan: Take life one day at a time, obtain the best medical advice from multiple sources, and draw upon my own and others’ spiritual faith.
Sometimes you just hold on, as I did 23 1/2 years ago through a failed transplant and a successful one three days later. What is now normal for me is different than for others. Recently I developed another somewhat related medical issue. My primary doctor recommended two excellent drugs that have been proven to help correct the condition. However, one could affect my already impaired kidney function; the other could alter the effectiveness of my immunosuppressive drug. A rock and a hard place. After seeking advice from doctors and pharmacologists, I’ll probably proceed cautiously with the first choice.
I rather doubt I’ll still be around in 20 years, but then God does have quite a wicked sense of humor. So who knows? In the meantime, it’s one day at a time. Plus, I now have grandkids.
My perspective on end-of-life care is strongly influenced by my experience working in assisted living facilities as a CNA and being an RN. I became an RN in my late 30s after I already had a 1st career in IT and operations. I had very little direct patient care experience, so I worked for a summer as a CNA with mostly HS girls as I was applying to go back to nursing school despite already having a 4-year degree.
What I saw in the assisted living facility I worked in (Legacy House in South Jordan) really opened my eyes to the diversity of lived experience at even an advanced age. Some aged adults were really getting on splendidly, while others seemed to have a very difficult time. I was struck by how much joy and camaraderie I saw even within a place that is often viewed as a warehouse for the elderly. I have a great reverence for the spark of life and I think it is so precious and I want to honor that in others. And of course, minimizing suffering when the transition comes is also very important for me as well.
I’m a runner, and I want to run and exercise for just about as long as I can. It is what gives me great joy. I have been blessed to run with runners in their 70s and 80s who are just amazing. I look to their lives as a template for doing things they enjoy for about as long as they can. And of course I hope to live as long as possible because I’d like to see if I get any grandchildren (my own son is still young). If I can’t run, I’ll walk. If I can’t walk, I’ll swim. If I can’t swim, I’m going to get on an electric trike and zoom around and see nature and drink in the beauty of everyday until I am called home, whether that is in a week or many years from now. I’ve always found something I enjoy doing at every stage of life, so I think even in my advanced years I’ll find ways to find meaning, even if it is just reminiscing on the good old days.
By the way, tirzepatide is the real deal. I’ve read too many white papers and the numerous studies that keep coming out seem overwhelmingly positive. For many people (not everyone is a responder), these medicines are likely to reduce morbidity and prolong length of life. We don’t have long-term data and we will keep getting more data, but I’m very optimistic about these meds.
Jacob L: I believe part of our longer life spans is not that we’re living longer, but that we’re taking longer to die. I am genuinely not interested in a longer life if those extra years are spent in poor mental and physical health, unable to contribute to the world or my family. So my question about new treatments will always be whether it actually prolongs my life or just prolongs the process of dying.
My very traditional LDS father believed he had been taught by the Church that he should fight to live as long as possible. I have not been able to find that teaching, so he might simply have been wrong. However, after providing end of life care for many family members over several decades–No, thank you. I have the faith to say that when it’s time to die, I’ll be ready to move on. I just hope I will be able to do that.
When my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer a few years ago at age 68, he told us kids that he did not want to ruin his quality of life with radiation and chemo. He opted instead for radically changing his diet and treating the cancer holistically. And he told us he wanted to enjoy the time he had left with us, even if it was short. There was a lot of pushback from some of the kids, who were angry with him for not choosing to take advantage of what modern medicine could offer. Ultimately, we had to let him make his own choices, but it was not easy. I took a few days off work and went to stay with my parents, listening to his reasons, which were valid. He had watched relatives of his suffer through cancer treatments and did not want to go through that same process. My dad’s holistic and diet treatments actually shrank his cancer to the point where it became operable (it wasn’t before) and now 6 years on he is still cancer free, which is a blessing for all of us. I don’t know what I will do when my turn to deal with the medical challenges of old age- his diet and lifestyle changes were drastic enough that I’m not sure I could follow through with something similar. As I’m only in my early 50’s, hopefully I have time before I have to deal with it. I agree with many of the commenters here, 75 sounds like a good age!
My father in law died at 96. He had a good quality of life until he was 94, the last two years were rough.
My own parents are both 93 and live in their home and are basically self sufficient (They have some cognitive decline but it is relatively minor). They are frail but for 93 they are doing remarkably well.
I am 67 and still ride my bike 4,000 miles a year and ski three times a week in the winter, so far so good.
One thing I have noticed, everything I contemplate doing seems harder, riskier and significantly more challenging. This affects my decisions, making me significantly more conservative and averse to taking on challenges. This applies to my own endeavors and those of people around me.
When I watch my own children have children, start businesses and attend medical school, I am overwhelmed and find myself wishing I could guide them away from such challenging endeavors.
Then I remember it is the age and declining vitality influencing my outlook and decisions.
What I have learned from the last few years is no one, repeat NO ONE, should be in a position to make decisions that affect anyone but themselves after the age of about 65.
Robert,
You are correct that there are basic developmental changes in vision, balance and other areas that affect older adults. It certainly can change their point of view on risk.
However, I would trust my 78 year old mother, who is definitely declining both physically and mentally, over many young people. She has no desire to control other people’s decisions. She listens and offers support. When asked her opinion she responds with great wisdom, as well as knowledge that she may be wrong.
If only people of all ages would work together with respect for each other’s point of view, we would all be better off. Young people do take more risks, particularly before full brain development later in their 20s.
I don’t think there’s an exact age to cut people out of decision making. However, I do think it’s ineffective for older men to have all the decisions, as is the case in the church institution.
Lws329,
Older People:
Opinion, yes.
Sharing experience, yes.
Imparting wisdom, yes.
Making decisions for other people, no.
As a Palliative care Physician, this question can be really hard to answer, because quality of life is so subjective. It is different for every individual. Part of my job is trying to figure out what brings people joy in their life. For some, that is still being able to go to the golf course. For others, it is doing a crossword puzzle while sitting on their couch.
Furthermore, advances in healthcare is in fact increasing not just quantity, but quality of life. People are living longer, and living better. Sometimes that makes it harder for loved ones to see decline in the first place, because they never saw their mom or dad get sick, or go to the hospital.
It is hard to keep quality of life in the front seat when we get older. Most people (and loved ones) naturally want more time . In healthcare, we have become pretty good at stretching out time that is alive, but now we have to look deeper into the differences between being alive and living.
I also must commend your ability to honor your parents wishes during their decline. I see loved ones struggle with this daily. Trying to think “what does he want.” instead of “what do I want,” is extremely difficult to practice, and I am sure it was not easy for you.
For me, I like to tell myself that I will practice what I preach, but realistically I will also be scared that time is becoming limited. I hope to be able to express my wishes to the ones that care about me, and do my best to not burden them with having to make those decisions without any guidance from me.