What was sex ed like when you were growing up? This was a question in a Reddit forum called r/AskOldPeople, which despite the insulting title is a pretty fun forum to hear from Gen Xers like me and occasional Boomers. It reminded me of a post I started and never finished about 10 years ago. The topic of how kids are taught about sex in the school system is always a fraught one, even more now that Project 2025 wants to do weird stuff like burning books that mention anything other than married, straight sex, missionary position, lights out, curtains drawn, no noise, and only for purposes of procreation. Or something like that. I mean, maybe they want those books gone, too. Who knows? Does it even matter when the kids are binge-watching Euphoria?
Sex education in schools often varies by region, and is supposed to be delivered throughout one’s schooling with age-appropriate content. Some people conflate maturation education with sex education, or only had maturation education. Maturation education is something that usually occurs in 4th or 5th grade. Boys and girls each receive a separate lesson about the changes to their bodies as a result of puberty, things like hygiene, and personal care. Sex education is about sexual behaviors, how to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies, how human gestation works, and appropriate behaviors like consent-based interactions and sexual ethics.
Here’s a quick rundown of the sex education I personally received:
- 3rd grade. Rural Texas. A wide-eyed classmate told me on the playground that she knew someone who went in a closet with a boy and he put his finger in her belly-button and nine days later she had a baby. I was skeptical of this claim, repeatedly putting my own finger in my belly-button to myth-bust her dubious claims. I did not have a baby nine days later.
- 4th or 5th grade. New Jersey. The girls and boys were separated for “maturation” talks to learn about menstruation (girls) and wet dreams (boys). The girls got little period kits, but I don’t think the boys got masturbation kits. Funny that the girls learn about pain and inconvenience, but the boys learn about pleasure.
- 9th grade. Pennsylvania. The boys’ coach said “You know, you girls get in the cars with your boyfriends, and you’re goin’ ‘Ooh, I luv you,’ and the next thing you know, BAM, there’s a little baby.” This was not super helpful information. Also most of us didn’t have driver’s licenses yet, so whose cars were these? I seriously doubted his credentials to be teaching health classes. Given our school’s record, his credentials to coach football were also pretty sus.
- 10th grade. Still Pennsylvania. The girls’ field hockey coach (lesbian, natch–I swear they will save humanity) blew up a condom and put it on a banana. We watched a film that showed 3 different childbirths and one of my friends passed out and hit her head on the classroom radiator which was definitely the highlight of the class. There was a lot of talk about condoms to prevent STDs and some talk about AIDS prevention (this was mid-80s). Now THAT was sex ed. Of course, by that point at least two of my classmates were mothers, and a few others had already had abortions. I believe consent and ethics were also discussed, but in a 1980s way. Later in the semester she talked about suicide. She also did a thing on drugs that was very informative. Overall, not bad. Two thumbs up.
I’m pretty sure all schools do some kind of similar-ish maturation education, but sex education varies greatly. These are the most common approaches:
- Comprehensive. The focus is on medically accurate information, anatomy, reproduction, puberty, contraception, STIs, sexual orientation, gender identity, healthy relationships, consent, and sexual decision-making. My 10th grade teacher was probably doing the mid-80s version of comprehensive sex ed.
- Abstinence-only. The focus is on promoting abstinence from sexual activity until marriage. It often emphasizes the risks of sexual activity such as unintended pregnancy and STIs. I mean, maybe the 9th grade guy was attempting this, badly?
- Parental Opt-Out or Opt-In. These are self-explanatory terms. I’m pretty sure parents could opt you out where I attended, but that it was assumed that if they didn’t proactively do so, you would attend the class. Even more conservative areas probably require a permission slip to attend. I can also state with 100% certainty that every kid in that school instantly knows which kids have weirdo, controlling parents who are not allowing them to attend because they want to keep their precious tiny babies pure and unspotted from the world. You do not want to be one of those kids. (I should add that post-MAGA my high school district has been taken over by insurrectionist Moms of Liberty types who have banned both Romeo & Juliet and To Kill a Mockingbird.)
The most effective approach for reducing teen pregnancies and STIs is Comprehensive Sex Ed. Since this is a Mormon-themed blog, I googled it to see what Utah does, and you may not be surprised to find out that Utah does not require Comprehensive sex education. They do what they call abstinence-based, and they require parents to opt in. They also do not teach: sexual orientation, gender identity, or consent. Instead of consent, they teach “refusal skills” [1] which places the onus on the recipient of the sexual advances rather than the aggressor. Color me surprised.
Just to be fair, I googled and discovered that Pennsylvania does not require sex education at all, leaving it up to the school districts. That could be why one year we got a laughably inept attempt, followed by a competent one the next year. Arizona (where two of my kids graduated high school) also does not require any sex education, but the thirty-year old law in place states that if districts decide to teach it, it must be abstinence-based and opt-in. So that’s yikes. New Jersey, which I’m sure most of our readers only know as the butt of Jersey Shore and mafia-related jokes [2], does require comprehensive sex ed, including sexual orientation, gender identity, and allowing parents to opt-out if they proactively request it. Schools that fail to teach comprehensive sex ed are subject to penalties. Go, Garden State!
So, by my reckoning, it looks like New Jersey is top of the heap, followed by . . . Utah. But I’m certainly not lauding what Utah is doing either.
I remember there being a lot of debate about this back in the 80s, and there were quite a few who felt that sex education is best taught by the parents in the home, which might be true, but also gross. I mean, learning about sex from your parents alerts you to the fact that they probably had sex at some point (although hopefully not any more!). But I suppose there is no boner killer like thinking about your parents’ sex lives. I’m not sure how well parents do at this in general. Here’s roughly how my own “in home” sex ed went:
- Age 5. I asked my mom where babies ate from if they weren’t bottle-fed. She seemed really annoyed and angry at being cornered about this, and then she finally reached out, touched each of my nipples and said “from your BOOBIES!” in a voice that was very similar to the Wicked Witch of the West. I was horrified.
- Age 11. My mom called me in to her room and handed me a very dry pamphlet about sex (which I already knew about, basically). It had internal organs diagrammed on it, and was pretty uninteresting. No character development. No plot. Fortunately, Three’s Company was available at the time, although it was also not that educational.
- Age 13. My mom told me my sister’s husband kept waking her up in the middle of the night for S-E-X. Yes, she spelled it out. I was expected to agree with her that this was an outrage, although I questioned the appropriateness of me knowing this personal information. The main thing I learned is that sleep is definitely better than sex. Also that sex is way too disgusting and dirty to say the word.[3]
Lest you think I must have been some model of parenthood, I was definitely not great. I don’t recall ever specifically having anything that could be called “the talk” with my kids, mostly because I assumed that they would get something akin to comprehensive sex ed, like I had. Why are we sending them to school if I have to do the heavy lifting?? I do often joke with my daughter that her third parent was Olivia Benson from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Sex ed mainly consisted of watching those episodes and sometimes we would talk about the concepts. Additionally, Veronica Mars episodes and other shows provided some discussion that could reasonably be called sex ed.[4]
So now it’s your turn to weigh in.
- What sex ed did you have in school? What do you think about it now that you are an adult?
- How did your parents teach you about sex ed? How did you teach your own kids about it (if you have kids)?
- What do you think ideal sex education would look like? Should it be a national standard or regional to reflect different values?
- Are you surprised to find out that sex ed is not required across the board in schools? [5]
Discuss.
[1] Honestly, the term “refusal skills” fills me with quiet rage. As one (probably canceled) comedian put it “I don’t agree with rape, but I didn’t teach my son to be a quitter.” Refusal skills is a setup for classic victim blaming and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
[2] And yes, I did have an Italian friend who lived in a mansion with a kidney shaped swimming pool and said her dad worked in “sanitation management.”
[3] E. Bednar seems to agree since he always says “procreative power” which is alliterative, but also inaccurate unless you’re just doing it during fertile periods which means once you hit menopause, “no soup for you.” Which in retrospect is a really horrible phrase to use regarding abstinence.
[4] I did tell my daughter the story about my mom’s explanation of breast feeding which caused her to shriek with laughter and then ask me “Show me on the doll where she touched you.” Good times.
[5] Or do you have a Twitter account, in which case it’s painfully obvious how poorly informed many people are about human reproduction? Personal favorites include the guys asserting that women can “hold in” their periods, and so it’s totally voluntary. Also, one pro-lifer who claimed that some women are getting 2-3 abortions every month. Or that one senator from the deep south who said that you can’t get pregnant from rape because your body would just not allow that.
Wheat & Tares 
Small town AZ, early 2000s. No sex ed. Confirmed by younger siblings that that continued.
My HS graduating class girls were 14% pregnant/mothers on graduation day. Those were the ones who graduated.
I worked in the field of women’s health so our daughters learned correct names for body parts.
When one of ours was about 5 she asked how the baby got into the mommy’s tummy. I explained the process. She looked very thoughtful and then said ‘I don’t think you can do that’. No more discussion.
Later on, when she was in first grade, I got a call from the teacher because my daughter had used the word ‘vagina’
Colorado, 1980s, 10th grade biology class. Basic mechanics of sex were explained. The basics of contraception, and pregnancy and STI risks were mentioned. I think effectiveness of condoms was downplayed a bit and abstinence presented as the only truly reliable way to avoid the risks. I remember watching a film depicting how hard a young woman’s life was after becoming a teen mother. There are plenty of things that probably could have been better, but grading on a curve relative to what passes for sex education in much of this country, I consider it a decent effort.
With my own kids, we bought a book that was recommended to us when our kids were younger. I thought it was pretty well done. Nice to have someone do the hard work for you of thinking about how to explain things in an age appropriate way. The book did make passing reference to same-sex couples. We were pretty progressive thinking Mormons even back then and considered that a welcome inclusion. I have no idea whether my kids remember it at all or whether it was helpful to them.
In 2018, I was teaching early morning seminary as a very post-orthodox Mormon and wrestling with how to deal with Alma 39. In my lesson I ended up framing sexual abuse as the true “sin next to murder”. Shortly before then, a BYU professor and stake president by the name of Benjamin Ogles had recently given a BYU devotional address dealing with the topic of sexual assault in the context of Mormon teachings about agency. It is truly excellent, and to this day I consider it a missed opportunity that he has not been made a general authority and allowed to teach his message to a bigger audience. In the talk he includes a fairly chaste, Mormon-youth-appropriate discussion of consent by talking about how much even unwanted kissing on a date is problematic and not at all romantic, and challenges his audience to find creative ways to obtain consent before kissing. I showed portions of the talk to my seminary students and later to my kids, who were then in their early teens. I think it should be mandatory viewing for Mormon kids. If I were in a bishopric or youth leadership at the ward level, I’d find a way to discuss the talk as part of the youth curriculum.
We watch rom-com anime as a family (G & PG rated) and that has sparked a lot of “sex ed” and “healthy (including physical) relationship” conversations.
I don’t trust the school system curriculum to be the primary source of my kids’ sex ed – we have too much familial trauma for that.
My goal has always been “my child is the one telling the actual truth about sex on the playground (or in the classroom)” to the degree that it was developmentally appropriate for me to do so.
I bring up specific topics related to sex with my teenager and I get an offended “I already knew about that and I’ve made my decision” rant that emotionally resonates as if I am telling her something as offensively mundane as “take out the trash” – so I am crossing my fingers that I did a good enough job so far.
Suburban Utah, 1990s.
6th grade maturation (maybe 5th): Mostly about deodorant and growing hair in new places.
8th grade health class: I think I recall a section on reproductive organs, but I don’t remember anything about sexual acts.
10th grade health class: I feel like the sex-ed part was opt-out, but I could be wrong there. We talked about STDs (that’s what we called STIs back then) and condoms, though my recollection is that the teacher couldn’t show us a condom or how to use one. I remember once she went on about various things she wasn’t allowed to tell us, like what sex what actually like, or how long it lasted (that one stuck in my brain). And of course gay people only existed in theory, and they were icky, so why would we talk about them? (That’s a joke. It was Utah in the 90s, so any gay people out there did the smart thing and stayed good and closeted, because coming out in my high school would have been about the most awful thing I could think of going through. The prevailing attitude (mine included) about homosexuality was not kind. And of course there were gay people. My best friend from high school is gay, though I didn’t find out until several years later.)
Parents: Yeah, like my parents would ever have talked about sex with me. Honestly, I don’t know where I figured most things out. Probably just a little bit of TV here, and comments from friends there, and semi-confusing jokes. Oh, and the internet. 🙂
I have two teenagers now. I think we’ve fairly well. We decided early on that everyone has body parts and we weren’t going to make up cute names for penises and vaginas. We don’t assume schools are going to cover anything about sex. This is a good reminder to have a reminder discussion about consent tonight at dinner. The idea of a 10th grade sex-ed class seems laughable to me these days, particularly for topics about gender and sexual identity. My youngest just started 9th grade and has friends that are lesbian, bi, non-binary, trans and queer.
I am aware that there are grossly under educated people on these topics, and I always marvel at how they manage to stay so ignorant for so long. It’s just so foreign to me.
Grew up in CA in the 1990s, had comprehensive sex ed at appropriate points in elementary, middle and high school. It was always gender-integrated, so boys got to learn about menstruation and girls got to learn erections and such. I don’t recall much talk of consent. This was also during a time when HIV/AIDS awareness was big so a lot of the conversations about unprotected sex were framed as “sex will literally kill you if you aren’t careful”. Not much was mentioned about sexual orientation, but we were close enough to San Francisco to understand and accept the existence of the queer community, though I’m not aware of any fellow student that was out LGBTQ. And in high school they handed out condoms, most of which were just blown up like balloons and never used for their intended purpose (for better or worse).
My TBM boomer parents were a bit prudish about the topic, however. My mom often expressed her disgust with the “morally degenerate” public schools teaching us this “filth”, yet she never had me opted out of sex ed. In the end, she would rather have the schools deal with it than have to teach it herself. And I’m not aware of any of my LDS classmates being opted out either. There was always the one or two Christian Fundies that were excused to go to the library and study during sex ed time.
The disparity really became apparent to me as an adult. A few years ago, one of my wife’s friends from a previous ward once discreetly told her that two of her three children were “surprises”, because she thought she and her husband had “pulled out like we were supposed to”…it blew my mind that there are still grown adults that think withdrawal is actually an effective method of contraception. I specifically remember being taught about the futility of “pulling out” in 5th grade! And yes, both this woman and her husband were raised in Utah. I thought it was just an anomaly, until my wife told me about another friend who was in the same situation because she put too much trust in withdrawal. This is what an abstinence-only approach gets you.
I grew up in Utah (in Salt Lake County), and honestly sex ed was surprisingly good.
High school health was divided between two teachers: A male teacher who was good, covered the material, but who was more reserved/traditional, then there was Margo.
Margo was most kid’s favorite teacher – she was loud, shameless, and hilarious. She genuinely loved teaching and interacting with the kids, and had a way of connecting with any kid that came her way. She was also over six feet tall, played competitive handball, and had the build and jawline of US rugby star Ilona Maher.
Sex ed with Margo was legendary at the high school. She started the section with loud, irreverent icebreaker games to get over the initial awkwardness of talking about sex at school. She made the class take turns writing all the current slang terms for penis, vagina, and sex on the board in front of the class so she was sure to be in the loop about the latest teen euphemisms.
She did say that abstinence was the most failsafe way to avoid a teen pregnancy or STDs. But she also did show-and-tell essentially every other major form of contraception available at the time. This included effectiveness stats of each, correct usage, the most common mistakes & how it affected effectiveness, and even how another teacher (an equally irreverent/candid/excellent psychology teacher) got pregnant despite being on birth control.
To drive it all home, there was the usual “facts of life” video with a baby being born, but Margo added her own uncensored slide show of STDs using the overhead projector so she could control the discussion and pace.
Instead of a banana, she shoved her muscular arm into a condom up to the elbow to demonstrate how tough condoms are and how saying “the condom broke” is just an excuse for doing things wrong (and how to do them right).
She did talk about actual consent. She also gave the girls in the class tips for safely getting out of non-consensual situations. She covered misconceptions about rape and sexual assault laws, red flags, and things predatory people will try to say to gain compliance (and how that’s not consent).
She went so far as to bluntly address the common male anxiety about penis size. Drew a timeline of the human sexual response. Answered every question directly without flinching, even when it was obvious some class clown was trying to make a scene. Gender identity wasn’t really discussed much because it was a different decade, but there was a lesbian student in the class whose questions were takes seriously and answered thoughtfully.
…it was extensive.
Outside of health class, Margo would walk the hallways between classes to stop and check in with kids, try to make people smile and feel welcome, and make sure kids felt like she was someone they could talk to. She was just a fantastic teacher.
I was a teenager in southern Oregon in the mid 2000s. As a 13-year-old, I had an interview with the bishop (who was also my father) where he asked me if I had masturbated. I didn’t know what masturbation was, and had never had any sex-ed at this point. Throughout my childhood I had asked my parents where babies came from and what the word “sex” meant, but only got confusing and vague answers. I asked my Dad what masturbation was, and he described it as “when you pretend to have sex with yourself.” That just confused me even more, but my Dad didn’t have time to explain it because he had another interview after mine.
One year or so later, my Dad gave us “the talk” based on (I’m not kidding) Boyd K Packer’s “little factory talk”
I was in JH/HS deep in the Utah jello belt in the mid-late 90s. I don’t recall many specifics, but I do remember reviewing (and, I think, being tested on) the various forms of contraceptive/protection and their effectiveness. Abstinence was drilled in as the only 100% effective method, but it was definitely not abstinence only education. Consent was not discussed to my recollection, but I may just not have been aware of those discussions as a young teen.
One day as a child (between 3rd and 5th grade, I think) my mom turned off the vaccuum and asked me if I knew how babies were made. My cousin was there with me and immediately plugged his ears. He had clearly had this talk before. She just said “the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina” and then went back to vacuuming. Not exactly comprehensive, but she didn’t seem awkward about it.
I’ve had the talk with my oldest already. Frankly I didn’t find it very awkward, and I don’t think that he did either. He asked good questions and didn’t seem grossed out. We didn’t use any euphemisms, just explained how things work and a little bit about how to understand some of his feeling around the subject. We talk about consent fairly regularly. I’m not sure how much (if any) sex education he’s had at school so far. He’s not in HS yet, which is as I recall when the more detailed sex ed is covered.
Suburban Salt Lake County, mid-to-late 2000s.
My TBM Boomer mom opted me out of the sex ed unit in 7th grade. I don’t remember any more sex ed than a cartoon about a teenage guy and girl who made out in their car on lookout hill, and next thing you know she had a baby and she had to drop out. Mom didn’t opt me out of sex ed in 10th grade, but the 10th grade sex ed unit was so minimal that I scarcely remember it existing. Basically – hey guys, abstinence is great! ‘Nuff said.
Basically, I was taught nothing about male or female anatomy or function, and I was quite shocked to learn later that a most visible and functional part of my male anatomy was missing. I’m still angry about that.
When I was 5 – 7 years old my mom did a great job with age-appropriate sex education. She got books about where to babies come from, as well as sexual abuse, and made sure that the books lived on the kids’ bookshelf so that way we could look at them any time after that. I don’t remember anything from my parents after that.
I grew up in the east side of the Salt Lake valley, during the 90’s. Fifth or sixth grade, the school hosted a night (one for each gender) where parents could attend, and they would talk about puberty.
Eighth grade health class had sex education. I don’t really remember it, but it was more than abstinence only. I remember it being parent-opt-out, but I don’t know of anyone who did that.
Eleventh grade health class had sex education as well. It was pretty comprehensive. We weren’t shown condoms, but they were talked about. I don’t recall if it was parent-opt-out.
My wife’s experience was very different. She grew up in east side Seattle, and her parents pulled her out of the middle school sex ed, and then homeschooled her for high school. Her parents talked about sex once, and that was when she was fourteen, and it was in response to something that happened to her younger brother. Not something that was thought out or planned at all. She told me that when we were engaged, she found a sex education course online that was targeted towards Christian Women. She paid $15 for that.
From the conversations I’ve had with friends and colleagues, I strongly believe that the adults who want parent-only sex education, are also the adults who are never going to talk about sex with their kids. Ever.
I mentioned before that I worked in women’s health. So in talking about my day at work the sex education just sort of happened at the dinner table. No big deal. Just a normal conversation. I think it is best that way. Not necessarily a special sit down to talk about it but just work it into other normal conversations with children.
I’m really hoping that what Pontius is talking about in his last paragraph is circumcision. If not, I’m really sorry.
jader3rd,
As a homeschooler that interacted with other homeschoolers in a variety of forums, and three different communities, for nearly 23 years (I have 5 kids now aged 18 to 30), I want you to know that homeschoolers come in wide variety of flavors from the right all around the circle until the right meets the left. For instance, there are hippy type unschooler homeschoolers that don’t want the structure of public school to destroy their kid’s creativity. These families often let their kids do pretty much what they want in an unstructured way (free range) and provide their kids with access to all sorts of information, including sex education. They just don’t want it to happen in the structured school setting.
You are correct that there are homeschoolers that are very religious that try to stop their kids from having any evolution and sex information. Some of those live on farms and struggle with stopping their kids from seeing the animals go at it. In my experience, trying to control the information your children have access to is pretty much impossible in the long run.
Families are very different and have a wide variety of reasons for homeschooling, many that have nothing to do with religion, politics, or controlling their kid’s access to information. It can be a family tradition to homeschool. Some families homeschool to better provide a better education for a disabled child than the school provides. Some do it to protect their kids from bullying. Some families send their kids to school part of the day, or they participate in groups where parents provide small formal classes in various topics for the children. In my experience, how your kids turn out has less to do with the education provided than it has to do their own personality, genetics and brain development. Brainy kids with strong executive function do well in any setting, and pursue their own goals in a homeschooled setting. Kids with learning and developmental problems will struggle and require a lot of help and structure whether they do homeschool or private or public school.
I was the gifted variety, myself and I asked my mom a sexual question at the age of five and she answered it straight up. She provided my with books on the topic when I was older. I read the encyclopedias cover to cover. I remember sex ed at school (I attended public school in Wyoming in the 70s) and our sex ed had no new information for me.
I tried to do the same for my kids, but some of them never asked, so I had to introduce the subject. I remember reading a scientific book with them with beautiful photographs of the egg being fertilized and the baby growing in the womb. However, such information has to be introduced at time the kids care enough to listen. Some of my kids were bored and I had to introduce it again a few years later when they cared about it. I left the book where any one could get it. I was always happy to answer a basic question without any embarrassment. I was a TBM, and looking back I understand now that I didn’t know or teach anything about LGBTQ topics, and nobody ever asked me anyway. I was completely unaware myself of some the topics that might have been helpful to a developing LGBTQ child.
I do not recall receiving any sex ed in the small, liberal college town far from the Mormon Corridor that I lived in for elementary school in the 1970s.
My parents moved to a large city, again far from the Mormon Corridor, for my middle school years. I *think* I had some form of sex ed classes at school during this time, but I honestly cannot remember for certain.
My high school years were spent in a small, conservative town outside the Mormon Corridor in the 1980s. I did attend some sex ed classes at my high school. I think they were probably abstinence only, but I honestly can’t recall for certain. They were taught by an older male PE teacher/football coach. He was clearly not comfortable teaching the subject, and I don’t think it was very comprehensive at all.
I never spoke of sex with my father growing up, but my mother provided me with a few booklets/books at a few times growing up which she asked me to read on my own. After reading them, she sat down with me and asked if I had any questions. I usually would ask a few questions, but the discussion wasn’t too long. My mom was relatively progressive for her time, and I specifically recall her telling me that masturbation was normal, and not to worry about it if I did it. I was very grateful for her telling me this.
Contrast that with what I’ll call “masturbation night” (youth fireside) at my local chapel when I was 12 or 13 years old. I imagine that the fireside was about preventing other kinds of “chastity sins” as well, but since I was only 12 or 13 years old, the only chastity “issue” that I had was masturbation. The speakers laid on the guilt really hard that night. I remember feeling really lightheaded, almost to the point of fainting, as my mom and I walked out of the chapel (parents were invited to this youth fireside) since I was certainly guilty of the most grievous sin of masturbation. The guilt from the fireside made me stop for awhile, but the natural behavior picked up again not too much later. I don’t believe that I was aware that masturbation was considered a sin by the Church prior to this fireside. My mom’s comments telling me that it was natural and not to worry about it would have come before this night. I sure wish she would have told me she disagreed with the fireside on our drive home, but I don’t think she said anything. At least that fireside came before all the subsequent bishop’s and stake president’s interviews where I was asked about masturbation so that I knew what the right answer was. Yep, the Church is great at teaching teenagers how to lie. As a result of all of this, I taught my kids very directly that masturbation was not a sin, even though the Church teaches that it is, and that this was a case where they should lie to the bishop or stake president if they ever asked them about it.
Our family had a habit of reading a book together on Sundays from when our children were young all the way through high school. Actually, when the kids were younger, we read together on many evenings as well, but as they got older and busier, it ended up being Sundays only. We read the entire Book of Mormon and New Testament this way, and I think if we had stuck to mostly reading the scriptures, my kids would have mutinied and forced us to abandon the practice at some point when they hit their rebellious teenage years. However, we didn’t mostly read scriptures. We mostly read books that taught something of interest, had some spiritual/moral content, etc. For example, when my kids were younger, we read books like the Chronicles of Narnia and Star Wars, and when they were in high school, we read things like Rough Stone Rolling and Huckleberry Finn together. We mostly chose books that they enjoyed, so the habit remained intact throughout high school.
I was able to leverage this family reading habit to wedge in several age appropriate secular sex ed books with good reviews into the reading schedule. These books were so open and direct that my more conservative wife was pretty freaked out sometimes and openly objected to some of the content, which was fine, as it opened up some good discussions. I also fit in a couple of books that talked about sex from a Christian values perspective (I really couldn’t find any useful LDS books at all–yes, they exist, but the keyword here is useful) since the secular books were great at teaching how things worked, consent, LGBTQ, etc., but didn’t attempt to talk about values much other than to say everyone has different values regarding sex. Everyone in the family put a condom on a banana during one of these Sunday reading sessions, and each of my children was gifted a box of 40 condoms from me at the beginning of their freshman year of high school (yes, looking back it should have been even a bit earlier, but I’m pretty confident that none of my children was even close to enaging in sex in middle school) and instructed to stash them somewhere in their bedrooms and to please use them if they ever decided to become sexually active in high school (even though we taught that we felt it was better if they not do that). I believe that none of my children became sexually active in high school except for one. When it became pretty obvious to me that this one child was almost certainly having sex with their long-term significant other, I can’t tell you how much more relieved I was that I’d be so thorough in teaching about consent, birth control, condom usage, STIs, etc. than if I hadn’t done that.
As others have mentioned above, if memory serves me correctly, my suburban Utah sex ed in 5th, 7th, and 10th grades was actually very comprehensive. And I’m very grateful as my parents never had any conversations with me.
So in that regard, I believe I’ve done better with my kids, though I haven’t done as well as I hoped. We had a discussion, used some age-appropriate book resources, and strived to use actual words and avoid euphemisms. So progress!
My kids are being raised in California and the sex ed seems pretty comprehensive. You can opt out and a lot of Mormons do and seemed surprised at those of us that did not. Seems like they were looking for validation at their choice and unfortunately I couldn’t help them in that regard. Otherwise also as noted above opting out has some costs. In California sex ed includes a full discussion of sex and gender diversity and I think that’s why the Mormons want to opt out as they don’t want queerness being THAT normalized. The rule in California is that you cannot just opt out on this part; opting out means missing the entire program.
Teenager in late 80s/early 90s in small, rural, LDS town. High school sex ed was if you happened to take a biology class, otherwise no sex ed. My education from my parents was barely better. When I was 12 my dad handed me “For Young Men Only” by Boyd K Packer. This was the infamous little factory talk. No discussion with my parents other than the pamphlet.
So irresponsible…
It is fascinating to read the diversity of experience both at home and at school when it comes to education about sex. It’s made me think a lot about the other question in the OP:
I think it’s important for us adults to confront the realities of the current age of Internet and social media. There is now a default sex education program on social media and the broader internet that will teach our kids if we won’t.
I heard one parenting author say recently, “give your kids a smartphone and social media when you’re ready for them to see porn.” Not necessarily because they’ll seek it out, but because it’s so ubiquitous and impossible to avoid.
We need to take control of the conversation and facilitate other trusted & qualified teachers to do the same (especially if we can’t/won’t).
There should be a formal and pretty comprehensive curriculum on sex education. However, there also needs to be quality resources for parents and educators (not unlike the ad campaigns directed toward parents about teaching).
The religious and moral terror surrounding sex education is unfounded. Better education leads to fewer abortions, fewer teen pregnancies, and lower STD rates. I’m pretty sure Jesus is in favor of avoiding all those things.
We as adults need to understand the difference between scary and dangerous. It’s scary to talk to teens about sex and everything that goes with it, but it’s not dangerous. It is, however, dangerous NOT to talk to them, even though it feels less scary
Older Boomer here. – – How did your parents teach you about sex ed? How did you teach your own kids about it (if you have kids)? – – When I was approaching puberty an innocuous looking book showed up at home with no fanfare or mention. It was titled something like “How a Baby is Born”. I read it since it was just sitting there. It didn’t get more explicit than “a husband lies very close to his wife and he plants a seed that will become a baby” and nine months later a baby is born. I wondered where the seed came from. Where does one get baby seeds? Does he buy it in a packet at the hardware or garden store? How does he plant it? Where does he plant it? I was really confused, but asked no questions. Totality of sex education at home. By the time I approached my daughter about sex ed she looked at me in horror and told me that she already knew all about those things. I had waited too long, apparently, and failed at that responsibility. She is doing a better job with her kids based on conversations I have with them. – – – What sex ed did you have in school? What do you think about it now that you are an adult? – – In 4th grade, all the girls were rounded up to watch a wretched, ancient film about menstruation and told about Kotex pads; the boys had free time on the playground. I vaguely remember a sex education presentation in a high school class that involved medical diagrams of female and male anatomy and a brief explanation of intercourse. I don’t remember anything else as I was confused by the diagrams, but wasn’t about to raise my hand to ask. At least I learned where the baby seeds come from. – – –
I went to high school in Scotland in the early 60s, I am not aware of any sex education but must have picked up something somewhere. I am one of 4 boys and my wife one of 4 girls which is also not helpfull. So no opposite sex siblings to observe and learn from.
Pleased to see no one wanting to ban sex education.
I agree with pirate priest that sex education, along with availability of birth control, empowers people to be in control of this aspect of their lives. This is not a political statement in Australia.
Because of the alternative the number of abortions which had been falling for 30 years; rose under Trump and the end of roe.
When my daughters were in high school I was president of the P&C. Our bishop was a teacher at the school and he was trying to get sex education removed from the school. The p&c asked for a
Presentation and were very impressed. There was a lot about individual autonomy, and consent, and coercion. So we gave our approval for the programme. Few months later the Bishop tried to ex me for apostasy.
5th grade, suburbs of Washington, D.C.: maturation education and my parents opted me out, for reasons that I didn’t and don’t understand. (They are pretty liberal in general so I have no idea what was going on here.) I get to hang out in the school library instead, which seems like a sweet deal.
Also 5th grade: I find The Color Purple on my parents’ bookshelf and start reading it because, hey, I love purple! The book is not actually about the color purple and, uh, now I know about rape and incest, I guess.
6th grade, approximately: my mom leaves her romance novels lying about and I get curious. I end up at the dictionary looking up words like “tumescent” and “turgid.”
7th grade: more maturation education, but this time my parents don’t opt me out. The teacher pronounces it “poo-berty.” I have still not recovered from that.
7th grade, approximately: based on my mom’s romance novels I have some idea of how this all works but I’m struggling to parse the mechanics exactly. I browse the bookshelves once again and find The Naked Ape, which is extremely educational. I get it now and, as a bonus, I know how it compares to chimpanzee and bonobo sex.
8th grade: my mom sidles into my room with a pamphlet about sex written for teenagers, says “I know you like to read so I thought this might be a good way for you to learn.” I say, basically, “uh yeah I do like to read” and we leave it at that.
9th grade, now at an international school in Southeast Asia: finally, proper sex education in school! We did the classics: condoms on a banana, doll “baby” to take home and care for, and an extremely detailed slideshow of the symptoms of various STDs. We also did some game where we spent fake money at an auction for traits future partners could have. I think the point was that you shouldn’t bid on someone hot? They’d probably just give you an STD anyway.
I live in a blue state, where our kids receive age-appropriate comprehensive sex ed, which includes discussions on orientation and gender diversity. In my mostly white, suburban ward, nearly half of the active member families with school-age children have their kids in homeschool, presumably for a variety of reasons but I’m certain this issue is a factor. This seems odd to me because our area has decent public schools (which we pay high property tax rates for) and I never witnessed LDS families opting out of sex ed where I grew up (CA, 1990s). I recall that just a few years ago, when the state updated the sex ed curriculum, there were some grassroots efforts among local Church members to oppose it and sign petitions, which our state authorities thankfully ignored. I think local Church leaders, fueled by conservative media along with the ongoing pronouncements of DHO, have spun up some moral panic over perceived public school “wokeness” in recent years, and it’s sad to see that the Mormons are leading the charge this time instead of just the usual fringey fundamentalist minority sects (which I guess is what we are now, sadly). This attitude, in turn, fuels even more conservative thinking and growing distrust of public institutions. Has anyone else observed this in your respective areas?
I think proper sex ed is best left to the professional educators, not the privileged young SAHMs with partially completed BYUI degrees and no subject-matter training besides “abstinence only”.
My parents gave me ‘the talk’ when I was about 13 and I was utterly horrified. It never occurred to me before then that my mother wasn’t a virgin. The scriptures praise virgins! I had the vague idea that it was bad to NOT be a virgin. Finding out that I couldn’t be a virgin and a mother at the same time shook my world.
In the late 90s in Utah high school, I learned abstinence only. My 10th grade health teacher then said she couldn’t bring up anything besides abstinence, but she could answer questions. Did anyone have questions on birth control? And etc. She coached us on which questions to ask. I remember nothing.
When I was eight or nine, I got an obscene phone call. They’ve disappeared with caller ID. The guy on the phone told me what a lot of words meant. I cried about it later. He either didn’t tell me the mechanics of sex, or I blocked it out.
I rarely catch innuendos or sex jokes. My utter failure to ever clue in to stuff like that unless it was spelled out in detail (while everyone laughed) is a standing family joke. When I figured out I was asexual in my 40s, that started to make a lot more sense. My brain just doesn’t go there on its own.
I just asked my teenage son if he had sex ed in high school last year. It turns out sex ed in our district is ‘opt in’ and he didn’t give me the permission slip to sign. It was a three-day course, and after the first day he decided to just go to the library anyway. I informed him we need to talk about STDs and how to put a condom on a banana. He left the room post haste.
I explained the basics to my sons years ago. I asked grade schooler if he had any questions. Yes, he had a question. His school classroom has pet turtles and sometimes they climb on top of each other. Was that sex? Friends, I do not know how turtles have sex.
The Pirate Priest, I love your description of Margo. She sounds like a real treasure as a teacher!
I learned about the mechanics of sex from what a girlfriend told me when I was 8. I would have been mortified to discuss anything like that with my parents. I grew up and went to public school in Utah in the 60s and 70s. We had maturation information in 6th grade for the girls. It was adequate. I think I got far more information from women’s magazines. I don’t know what information was given to the boys.
I think we had some information about STDs in our health class (10th grade?), but nothing about consent, emotional readiness, contraception, or child birth. I could have really used some information and training about being assertive, putting myself first, how to say no, how to recognize undue pressure, coercion and similar topics. The object lessons of chewed gum in Mutual were not helpful at all, except…well… to teach us that we were objects, valued for our purity rather than our humanity. Ironically, the first few times I had sex were the result of being coerced and pressured—not something I wanted or enjoyed. To this day I regret that I didn’t know how to say no.
Research shows that comprehensive sex education is effective at reducing STDs and teen pregnancy, but conservative communities do not allow anything but abstinence only sex education in schools. This is extremely frustrating to me.
I remember in 2021, there was a proposed bill to pass a law to update sex education in Utah public schools to include content about consent. It was not passed due to the (in my opinion) unwarranted hysteria about teaching kids facts about sex.
I didn’t talk much about the mechanics of sex to my own kids when they were growing up. I could have done better. We did talk about making sure that the time is right, and not letting yourself get pressured into something you don’t want and aren’t ready for. I made sure they had access to contraception and reproductive health care (thanks Planned Parenthood.)
I grew up in Utah County. I don’t remember receiving any sex ed. When I was in 6th grade, we had a maturation talk in the school library. It was given by my elementary school teacher, Mr. Hayes. We were required to get a signed permission slip to attend (so opt-in, I guess). I remember some parents standing in the back of the library, presumably to make sure nothing heretical/scandalous was discussed.
All I remember from the talk was that Mr. Hayes brought an unloaded gun to the library. He brought it out and talked about it metaphorically and I think he was trying to make an analogy to sex. The allusions were so vague that I hardly understood he was making an analogy to sex. But I think the point he was trying to make was that, “Sex is like a gun. It can kill you if you don’t do it right.” Now that I think about it, it was a totally unhealthy way to think about sex. It seems like all the parents in the back of the library approved of the analogy though.
I’m the oldest of 6 children. 2 of my sisters got pregnant in high school, so I guess that tells you something about how effective sex ed was where the concentration of latter-day saints is higher than anywhere on earth.
I grew up in Utah County. Zero sex education for me. All I had was my dad telling me that penises enter vaginas to ejaculate sperm to make babies when I was 12 years old. It sounded so bizarre and unappealing to me then. Church leaders asked me about masturbation before I even knew what it was. The thing is that I was masturbating, I just didn’t know that that was it. I began doing it almost involuntarily. It just sort of happened. I thought masturbation was something more serious and wrong. It couldn’t be the small thing that I was doing, right?
Routinely church leaders talked of shameful acts, images, and other things without spelling it out in detail. I always heard, “necking and petting.” I didn’t know exactly what the heck that was. Especially necking.
It wasn’t until my mission that I figured out what a condom was or what it did. It wasn’t until after my mission that I stumbled upon a pornographic magazine that showed coitus (I thought porn was just naked images before). I was blown away by it. “Wait, they’re having sex.” It took a few for it to dawn on me. I remember all the talk of oral sex during the late 1990s with Clinton in office. I had no idea what that was. I was in my teens then. I grew up completely clueless about sex. About how people performed it and the dynamics of it. I heard of “safe sex” and I had no idea.
My aunt told me a story which may be apocraphal (but I find it quite plausible) about a sheltered LDS young woman who never received any information on sex from basically any source. Any way, she goes to a bishop’s worthiness interview and being asked about masturbation. The bishop asks, “Do you masturbate?” Not having any familiarity with the word “masturbate” she replies, “Sometimes if I have time I do.” The bishop probes further asking, “How often do you masturbate?” She replies, “Well, I try to do it every day, but I just don’t always find the time.” At this point the bishop seems a bit flustered and starts to sense that the young woman doesn’t know the meaning of what is being asked and decides to just move on. It would later turn out that the young woman confused “masturbate” for “meditate.”
Thanks for the laughs and cringes, y’all.
True story: Long ago while at BYU, a young lady informed me that back in her home ward in California a girl had gotten pregnant without having sex. I asked her how the miracle was accomplished.
“She sat on her boyfriend’s lap while in a Jacuzzi with her friends.”
“Um, and they kept their swimsuits on?”
“Of course they did.”
“I don’t believe that’s possible.”
“It’s absolutely true. Don’t you know it can happen if the chlorinator isn’t full.”
So remember to teach your kids to make sure the chlorinator is full before they enter a Jacuzzi. Don’t want any mishaps occurring. I always had wondered why the Jacuzzi chlorinator in that apartment complex was set so high it bleached students’ swimsuits. And yes, real sex Ed is important.
Old Man, your story reminded me of one of my BYU roommates who was getting married. She was so upset about having sex because sometimes her “doo-doo hole” hurt in the bathroom so she figured sex would be worse.
I grew up in 80s and 90s Southeastern Idaho. NO sex ed. Not even close. I do remember the video about periods. My parents had the talk, but man… it wasn’t great. I also only had access to novels to learn about this stuff. Not great. I remember a roommate at Ricks College who was terrified by the feelings watching Dirty Dancing gave her. We don’t even teach teenagers that those feelings are natural.
Totally agree about girls learning about pain.
I grew up in California in the 70’s/80’s. We had limited sex Ed classes. However I moved to Utah in early 2000’s when the education department was trying to create a sex Ed program that was sensitive to the conservative crowd. I watched a debate that had the “Eagle Forum” say they would rather have no sex education than a program that taught anything other than abstinence. The district even allowed that a child had to have a signature in order to attend and was not mandatory. The Eagle Forum didn’t care. They would rather no sex education for the whole district even for parents who wanted it rather than teaching anything other than what they believed. I was totally disgusted.
Yeah, duh. That’s because it was your own finger.