Kids think they’ll live forever. You know you’ve hit that “you’re getting a bit older” stage of life when friends and possibly siblings start dying. Not from a car wreck or a rock climbing accident, as may happen to someone who dies too young, but from cancer or a heart attack or just passing quietly in their sleep one night. You go to more funerals. So let’s talk about Mormon funerals, the pros and the cons. I recognize that if you’ve lost a friend or a family member recently, or have bad memories about a Mormon funeral experience, this may be a sensitive topic. Let’s try to keep comments a little more restrained than usual.
Any single person’s experience with Mormon funerals is fairly limited, and I imagine there is some variation in different regions of the Church. Here are a few general observations.
Content. My impression is the directive that the main speaker (bishop or other LDS official) make their remarks sort of a missionary sermon directed to a captive audience has softened in the last ten years or so. I also recall some emphasis a decade or two ago that an LDS funeral in the chapel was conducted by the bishop (or other LDS official) and that family input into the program was somewhat limited. My impression is the family has more input now into who speaks, what music is performed, and so forth. This all seems like a positive development.
Covid. For a year or two, states imposed some temporary regulations about how those who passed away from Covid or Covid-related complications were prepared for burial. These often prevented the standard LDS practice of dressing the deceased in temple clothes as they lay in the casket and were so buried. My sense is this softened the whole procedure so that the standard practice was recast as a nice feature but not really essential or even in the end that important. “God will work it out” was (as in other scenarios) sort of the fallback view. Think for example of someone who is lost at sea or in military action where the body is not recoverable. Same view, I think: “God will work it out.”
Cremation. There was once a strong directive against cremation for LDS who died. That, too, seems to have been softened in recent years, perhaps as the costs associated with a standard burial have increased substantially. Also, cremation is now much more common than in years past. Again, “God will sort it out” seems to be the implicit response when cremation is chosen by preference or because of financial constraints.
Food. Mormons get an A on this one. Bringing food over in the wake of a sudden loss. Bringing food to the post-funeral reception (no jokes about funeral potatoes — they’re pretty good). Bringing food over to the house the week after, when family is still in town. I’m not being lighthearted here. It is truly helpful to have food show up when, somewhat overwhelmed, cooking a meal is simply beyond one’s immediate capability.
Dedicating the Grave. Obviously, the days surrounding a death in the family and the funeral service are no time to be the village atheist. I personally don’t like the “God called him for some important mission in the spirit world” type of comment, but there’s nothing wrong with “she’s in a better place now” to go along with the overused but always appropriate “sorry for your loss.” It’s a time when hope temporarily overshadows faith and non-faith. The graveside activity can be a short service of its own (if no funeral service was held elsewhere) or just a gathering at the grave, in either case accompanied by a dedication of the grave.
There are generally several non-LDS in attendance and possibly some family members who have mixed or rather negative feelings about the Church. I’ve given three dedication prayers in the last few years, so here’s how I do it to make every person feel good about the dedication and feel a part of the proceeding. I preface my prayer/ordinance with a short explanation, something like this:
Thank you all for coming this morning. I know the family appreciates your support and we all miss Sister X deeply. As you know, Sister X was a member of the LDS Church for the last twenty years. It is the practice in the Church to dress those who pass away in their ceremonial temple clothes for the burial and to have the grave formally dedicated as their final resting place. This is what Sister X desired. With the permission and approval of Bishop X, who could not attend today, I will now dedicate Sister X’s grave. Please join with me in prayer.
Then I give the prayer, which all join, and within the prayer I say the particular words of the ordinance of dedicating the grave. Something like this (and you can review the LDS.org direction on dedicating a grave if you need the details at some time in the future):
Our Heavenly Father, we join in prayer in memory of dear Sister X, a friend to so many, a daughter, a sister, a wife and mother, and a grandmother to her many family members. By the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood which I hold, I dedicate and consecrate this grave as the final resting place for Sister X. May it be protected until she come forth at the last day to join her dear husband and family. May all who come here in days to come to remember Sister X find consolation and comfort here. (And so forth, but not a long prayer.) In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I sort of embed the ordinance (the short “I” section) within a general prayer with “we” language in which all join. I haven’t quite heard it spelled out that way before (I’ve never heard a lesson or talk on dedicating a grave) but it works for me and it offers the best chance of making everyone at the graveside feel good about the proceeding and not just an observer at some Mormon thing. Mormons aren’t always good at making visitors and outsiders feel welcome. A funeral is one place where you really should go the extra mile to make that happen.
So what do you think about Mormon funerals? Have they changed over the last say forty years? Have you attended funerals of other denominations that had features you really liked or didn’t like?
Wheat & Tares 
My wife’s father was a convert to the LDS church. His parents funerals were conducted by their local Christian pastor. He (the pastor) gave a very brief story about each of them respectively then turned the remainder of the time over to those in attendance to share stories and thoughts about the deceased. We laughed and cried and learned new stories that day. It was lovely. I vote for that model.
I had not heard about COVID restrictions and dressing the deceased in temple clothes. My father passed away during COVID and we had no issue dressing him. I guess YMMV.
Regarding many of your other points, culture can be hard to uproot. To wit, I still know members who frown upon cremation and I still know leaders that have made the gravesite dedication extremely uncomfortable. I hope this continues to improve.
I’m not yet to the age of attending a ton of funerals, but the time is coming as my parents/aunts/uncles are in their 60s, 70s and a few 80s. Funerals don’t do much for me, personally. (We’ll save a discussion of my relationship with death for another time.) My wife and I have discussed that there will not be a long “Plan of Salvation” talk by the bishop at our funerals. If he can’t commit to an exceedingly short (3 minutes, top) message that says “Thanks for coming, yay Jesus.” then he isn’t invited to participate. And if he wants to put his foot down that he’s in charge, then we will go elsewhere. There’s nothing salvific about an LDS funeral.
I think that Mormon funerals can do a good job of being positive, faithful events with reminders of resurrection and eternal families. Many families do feel that way, particularly when it is a funeral for 97-year-old grandma. However, Mormon funerals can also do a very poor job of letting people grieve, and sitting with people in their grief. Too much pressure to put on an appropriately somber, yet happily faithful, face, and not enough acceptance that all feelings are valid.
I like funeral potatoes.
“Mormons get an A on this one. Bringing food over in the wake of a sudden loss. Bringing food to the post-funeral reception (no jokes about funeral potatoes — they’re pretty good).” Amen to this statement. This is one area where the Church truly achieves compassionate service as they call it, pure Christianity.
With lots of family in Utah, and a decade of my own adult life lived there, I’ve attended plenty of traditional Mormon funerals, everything from suicide, to natural causes, to a healthy young college acquaintance who went in to have her wisdom teeth pulled and never came out of the anesthesia. (She was engaged to be married at the time. We learned at the funeral that the Q15 gave approval to have her sealed to her fiancé, which made her Eternal Wife #1 of 2 within a year or so.)
I’ve never had a negative experience with the grave dedication, and generally like the concept. But I loathe the idea that I might kick off suddenly and family will default to having the local ward do the honors, giving some bishop and the active members of my family a chance to propagandize my passing as a return to the spirit world to resume my missionary service. Nope.
Far more disconcerting to me though, is the ridiculous expense of American funerals in general. All denominations I can think of guilty by association. The lie passed along at the viewing that the remains, covered as they are in starched clothes and stage makeup “look good.” They don’t. But in the moment, the polite thing to do is console the family by pretending that this $15K+ ritual is a beautiful and comforting sendoff. It’s not. It’s a disgraceful money-grab.
Personally, I want neither burial nor cremation, but the newer green option getting traction in states like Vermont. Your remains are placed in a container which accomplishes a relatively speedy composting. And then you can literally be placed in the garden or flower bed of your choice. That, and a simple non-denominational memorial service maybe presided over by a Community of Christ pastor… that’s as close to comforting as the whole funeral process is probably ever going to sound to me.
My mom died in 2016 and we had free rein over the funeral planning and included on the program some remarks from her sister who is now a deacon in her church. The Bishop gave the typical sermon but no mention of sad heaven, thankfully.
Speaking of (and not to threadjack) – a young woman of 23 years that I know died tragically last year – it was well-known that she was rather opposed to the Church. But the family had the typical LDS service etc and I just learned that now a year later they are planning to do her temple work. Perhaps there was a visitation or spiritual witness to her parents but it doesn’t sit well with me, AITA?
Speaking of food, I would hope it’s always received in the spirit in which it is provided. Sometimes there are better, more genuine ways to show support.
The last LDS funeral I attended was of a very faithful sister…RS president and mother of 4. Luckily her kids were all adults. The one quote I remember from the funeral was her oldest daughter stating that her mom had “the faith NOT to be healed” (stomach cancer). I guess Bednar would be proud but it hit me the wrong way.
I conducted 6 funerals as bishop. Thanks to the guidance of my wife, I quickly learned the importance of encouraging families to organize their own programs while I stood out of the way.
Unfortunately, my first SP was a control freak– especially when it came to funeral music.
My first inkling of what was to come involved a family’s request to include a vocal solo of “Amazing Grace’. The SP claimed this was highly inappropriate on doctrinal grounds. I solved this one by showing him even the Tab Choir recorded several versions. The number was included and it was stunning.
The second musical disagreement occurred when a sister passed away who had been a professor of piano performance for 36 years and taught thousands of students. Prior to her passing, she requested one of her most accomplished students (a non-member Juilliard grad) perform Chopin’s ‘Ballade No. 4’ at the funeral. Of course, the SP did not approve on the grounds of insufficient religious connotation and violating the sacred handbook This sister’s family intervened and sent the SP a link explaining why this composition is considered a piano masterpiece. Of course the piece was performed brilliantly.
Finally, another musical controversy happened when the family of a devoted brother included a solo rendition of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ with a guitar accompaniment. Predictably, the SP became apoplectic and refused to lend his approval. Not only was the beautiful number performed, but two lines of bagpipers entered the chapel and escorted the casket out playing…you guessed it, ‘Amazing Grace’.
Funerals are for families. Period.
We hve attended four funeral in the last ten days.
All of these were LDS funerals which is not always the case in our families.
Two of them were grave side services for some reason and were nice with talks and songs, none of the songs were traditional LDS hymns.
The other two were in a LDS Chapel where all of the talks were by family and friends, no Bishop or SP, and all of the music was for some reason non LDS hymns.
Do not know if that is a thing in this area now or what but it was nice, it was what the deceased and the family wanted.
And as for the funeral food, yes it is done very nicely by members of the LDS church but you should see what my Catholic and Jewish family can put out for a funeral.
They can really set a table.
My Baptist friends are also amazing.
I’ll be cremated, but at any memorial my kids want to have, they MUST play “Look on the Bright Side of Life” from Monty Python’s “Life of Brian”
This was one of the first things I ever blogged about, after I came across Boyd Packer’s talk on this topic in which he said all funerals should be church meetings that cast the deceased in the role of visual aid in a lesson on the plan of salvation. His views on this topic are simply terrible and lack empathy to an appalling degree (I will also note that his own funeral did, predictably, include personal stories about him which he had deemed inappropriate content for funerals). The family is grieving! Funerals should be about their loved one!
The last time I went to a Mormon funeral (Covid related) I told my daughter who was there with me that no matter what I did not want a funeral that was like one big commercial for the church. That’s fine for those who want that. I do not begrudge grieving families their comfort. But it’s not for me.
As to burial, I have very strong feelings on this one. IMO, it is a complete cash grab and waste of money to buy a big casket (these cost more than used cars at this point), embalm me (for what purpose exactly?? I’m not going on tour!), then buy real estate for my corpse. These traditions just make no sense to me. My kids will be the only ones who care once I’m dead anyway, and they have memories of me. Nobody wants to spend a bunch of time in a graveyard “visiting” dead relatives. I love the green burial options (composting, or even just being “planted” by a tree, which isn’t available in all states yet), but if that’s not an option, cremation is a far better choice than burial in a casket after trying to prevent the body from the natural, normal process of decaying. It’s just such a waste of money.
Having lived outside of the Mormon corridor most of my adult life, I have attended very few Mormon funerals in the past 30 years. We did travel to Utah for my mother’s. A emeritus general authority, who was one of our families Bishops and SP growing up spoke. His comments were beyond insensitive and hyper-chauvinistic. He stated during his talk “My mother was a pain in his side”, only 1/2 joking. She was in a Stake calling while he was SP, and he did not like a strong female giving him advice. But, to state that at the funeral! My view of him dropped along with my jaw, 4 levels.
As a family we only spoke of my mother and little about the church or the Plan of …..what ever it is called this week.
Outside of the Mormon corridor I seen few people reach out with “funeral potatoes” and such. Mostly the TBM’s move to St. George for retirement and to die, while the true locals have less of that practice and are more sensible.
Death is very expensive in the United States. My parents just closed escrow on their final resting place (kidding…mostly). They purchased an above-ground crypt because my father wants to be cremated, and will be in an urn next to my mother’s body….but she is claustrophobic (hence above-ground) and hates being hot (hence no cremation). They ended up paying somewhere in the neighborhood of $25K, mostly for her requests. Neither of them wants a funeral or service of any kind–not because of the Packer Unwritten Rules (both are TBMs), but because they do not want us sitting around grieving in public (they are both extremely private people).
The last LDS funeral I attended in Utah County was put together mostly by the family–including a non-member speaker!–with a brief (three minutes) remark by the bishop at the end…followed, of course, by an impressive luncheon. It struck just the right notes with me, but it was a departure from previous LDS funerals. I hope that the loosening of the “rules” continues, but I plan to instruct my family clearly about my wishes/demands: cremation, no service, and take the money they would have spent to go on a cruise or other vacation.
Many LDS funerals are wonderful. Bare minimum, they are cheap and honor cultural traditions. At their best they deviate from LDS correlation and give families the control at a time they feel little control. But it is bishop roulette.
I am thinking about a funeral that made a huge difference for me. I had ministered to the sister who died for many years. She had many medical problems and her boyfriend of 30 years provided her insurance and all her care. She had been inactive for years and towards the end of her life she gave up smoking and then she felt worthy to go to church. She wanted to go to the temple to do the work for her parents.
She visited our bishop who explained that since she had been living with a man for 30 years that she had not married she couldn’t get a recommend. She explained they slept in different rooms and weren’t sexually active, but the bishop had to follow the handbook of course. She left the room feeling like poop.
During the same period I was having endless problems with this bishop. I could write a book on it but I won’t. I will simply say he was a very patriarchal micromanager and as the mother of special needs children I have had to learn to stand up to authority. I could not meet his view of what a normal Mormon woman should act like. My friend and I often talked of our conflicts with him. By the time she died it was near the end of his 5 years as bishop.
When she died I met with her boyfriend who wanted her to have an LDS funeral but not with this bishop. I called the bishop and told him the situation. He explained he had wanted to give her the temple recommend but felt he had no choice according to the handbook. He agreed with me that in reality they were married regardless of the law. He asked ME what he should do at this point.
I said, go visit and apologize to her boyfriend (she will hear you). He did what I said the boyfriend accepted the apology and they had the LDS funeral. I was asked to speak. The bishop asked me to sit next to him on the stand like I was his counselor.
It was beautiful. He had grown so much although it was hard for the whole ward. It took me 5 more years of pondering on my very very difficult experiences with this bishop to discover that I don’t agree with the patriarchal way the church is run and I don’t believe God requires it.
The simplest funeral I have attended was also the most memorable. The deceased was active, accomplished, fairly young, and died unexpectedly. The spouse donated the body to science. The memorial service was in a favorite canyon amphitheater.
Lovely.
I directly know that that Packer’s 1996 talk on the “Unwritten Order of Things” caused sadness, disappointment, and frustration for families when local leaders applied its direction too literally. Packer “taught” that funerals should be opportunities to preach the Gospel rather than to remember and honor the deceased and to give the living an opportunity to express their love for them. Fortunately, from my experience, the insensitivity of this approach is abating. At the funeral for my 23-year-old son, I was given complete control over how this would transpire. Many non-LDS were in attendance, and while I didn’t shy away from my beliefs and testimony, the focus was on our love for my son — as it should be.
I have attended way too many funerals where the priesthood leader spoke for way too long or said something wildly inappropriate. My wife lost her battle with cancer 4 years ago. I controlled the situation by informing my bishop that my wife’s brother, a former member of a stake presidency, would give the BKP message on the plan of salvation at the funeral.
I’ve been to quite a few lately. Each of them were totally planned by the family, with many different types of music including bagpipes and James Taylor songs. Speakers were according to family wishes. The programs were coordinated and approved by the bishop. In all cases, the bishop conducted and gave a very short message to testify of Christ and the Atonement and Resurrection. Perfect.
Members don’t typically provide catering for funerals in Britain in my experience.
My father’s funeral back in 2016 was pretty near perfect. In fact we had much the same elements as in HM the Queen’s funeral last year, with less pomp. My mother wanted catering and a sister-in-law and niece sorted that out. The service was fantastic. Allegri’s Miserere for entrance, priesthood choir choral item (at their request), with the remainder of the programme as planned by family. Two of the three congregational hymns were not from the LDS hymnbook, but were approved nonetheless. Scripture reading, eulogy, photo collage by video presentation, scripture readings, address by bishop about plan of salvation made personal to my father.. graveside dedication, at a green burial ground (bamboo casket) left to family, no leaders present. It was all absolutely lovely. It was an LDS funeral with a strong Anglican flavour I think. Culturally English. It remains in my mind the perfect funeral.
I think the reference to Boyd K Packer’s talk on funeral services is often taken out of context as to the true meaning and his intent, but I digress…
For me, I have never seen an issue with LDS funerals. I participated in two during COVID and there were no issues with dressing the body in temple garments and I have never seen an LDS directive that has changed due to COVID. As far as cremation, the church has only discussed the scriptural basis for preference of burial of the body. I have never experienced any discouragement about the choice of cremation versus burial and I believe any “softening” claims on the position are not necessarily true. the church has specifically commented on other cultures and laws to be abided by as the church has expanded into new(er) areas over the years. I myself will be cremated. My wife bought our plans for that, and my decorative box sits in our closet right now.
My Dad passed away a little over a month ago. We had a member of his bishopric attend to help with logistics but my Mom had full reign over music, speakers (I was one of them) and the like. We set up some nice tables with memorabilia and a digital presentation of photos and none of it was based on doctrine or LDS life. My Dad was a convert and his pre-convert life was on full display as was his life after conversion. The bishopric did not intervene at all and out of the multiple services I have attended over the years, it’s always been the same. My brother passed about 3 years ago (very inactive member) and the only real LDS connection was that it was held at church and again, a member of the bishopric “presided” over the meeting and just helped coordinate it. Some of the talks (mine included) spoke about the plan of salvation briefly, but only to the point of my belief I will see him again someday. My Grandmother, who was not a member had a simple service at the church (again, just to give the service a place) and she was cremated and my devout LDS parents had no qualms over that. The RS helped set up the service and a lunch and the tone was not even really “spiritually” based, but rather full of stories about my Grandmother and her life which was anything but a religious and LDS life.
As far as grave dedications, I don’t understand the need to base it on the audience, other than the families’ desires or those of the decedent, if known. Dedicate it in the manner they chose. My Dad’s dedication was brief and to the point as he wanted. And it was at a military cemetery so there was that component as well. Same with my brothers’ as my Mom wanted.
Are we really just finding things to nitpick at? Seems like the tone of this site quite a bit….
Way to nitpick the nitpickers, Legal Nonsense. 😉
“Seems like the tone..” Nope, doesn’t seem like. It IS the tone. It IS the point. Deconstruction, second-guessing, and starting thoughtful comments with, “Yeah, but..” and “Hey, wait a minute,” are a feature of Wheat & Tares, not a bug. Perfectly legitimate intellectual pursuits and often just what the proverbial doctor orders for an institution and culture rife with shortcomings and people routinely being harmed. Do we sometimes wallow? Sure. Do you find yourself not appreciating it for understandable reasons? No problem. Maybe take a break and try W&T again in a few weeks/months. Or not…
Sincerely, my condolences for your recent loss. My folks both lost their remaining parents in the last year. Neither death was a surprise but it was such a draining process for my mom and dad. So, thank you for providing healthy pushback by way of many instances where you’ve seen things go well and priesthood leaders exercising wisdom and self-restraint as they preside. I’m just a bit of curmudgeon sometimes, and feel like saying something in defense of the experiences of others on this thread. I submit that your observations are not inherently more valid simply because they happen to be more favorable.
I had an experience at an LDS funeral. Where a beautiful sister died from a long battle with cancer, the funeral from the family was beautiful, then the stake Patriarch was asked to give the talk on Plan of Salvation, as our Bishop being a school teacher couldn’t preside at the funeral, or any member of the bishopric, another bishop who presides over another ward that uses the chapel was presiding. The Patriarch obviously didn’t know the family well, as he opened his talk by saying the sister would be having a wonderful reunion with her parents, except her mother was sitting in the front row at her daughters funeral, there was a gasp from the congregation. He corrected that, then went on for a good 20 to 30 minutes about the Gospel etc, it was embarrasing and people started to walk out of the chapel. Up until then it had been a very moving funeral as the sister who was very active, was very loved. It was a horrible experience for a lot of us. I was on the stand watching this as I was conducting the music. This was about 5 years ago and that Patriarch was released last year as he can no longer function, has some dementia I believe.
Went to a funeral this year where a younger man 43 died of a heart attack, pleasant service until the person representing the priesthood rambled on about how wicked the world was and how we the church are under attack, etc. not sure that was what was needed at this time in the families life, as they grieved. I have decided to only have a grave side service with family and close friends there.
My mother died last year. It wasn’t unexpected as she was 102 at the time of her death. She was a very upbeat and pleasant person. After my father’s death she lost interest in the Church. And wasn’t excited about having the sacrament in her home. When she died, we had no contact from her Ward. Which seemed strange. Mom had been an active tithe-paying member for most of her life.
But not having Ward participation at the funeral was a blessing. We didn’t have to worry about an obnoxious talk from a member of the bishopric. We had a graveside service that included relatives, a few of my friends, and mom’s care givers. Mom outlived all of her friends and immediate relatives. So there was only a few in attendance.
My brothers and I gave short tributes to mom. (We have no sisters.). Then opened it up for anyone to say something. About half in attendance gave short remembrances. One of my son’s dedicated the grave. It was a short but very reverential funeral. Mom was a beautiful person. There was no PofS talk to distract from the service.