I was thinking about the word “authenticity” and why I often get such a triggered response to when someone uses it.
As I was thinking, it hit me.
I’ve buried three children. My youngest has Tourette’s. I am part of those communities and the experience colors my life.
In those communities, many times when a family goes through the death of a child or dealing with a child with a disability what happens next is that one of the parents leaves the family for an “authentic life” and “their own truth” — basically abandoning their family to rebuild a “perfect” life somewhere else. As you might suspect, often that means one of them leaves for a younger, surgically enhanced partner or to engage in very self-absorbed activities or ar.
So it isn’t that being authentic or real or adult is bad. I’ve celebrated that and encouraged it from time to time.
It is the context I encounter the word in that has created so many negative connotations for me.
It has gotten that I am so used to seeing the term and what it stands for used as an excuse by people who have decided to abandon others in their hour of need. I get a visceral reaction to the use of the word because I have too many negative connotations to go with the term. If you read The Glass House or Brandon Skyhorse’s novel with the “authentic “ parents, you will understand what I’m thinking when I hear the word.
The reaction is my problem and my weakness, not that of the word. There are many good things that are authentic.
So I’m apologizing to everyone who has used the term and I’ve been triggered by it or been annoyed with them unfairly.
I need to remember that the word doesn’t always mean what I’ve come to associate with it. But that got me thinking.
- Are their words you encounter that strike you the same way?
- What is a better word for someone who trades in their spouse for someone younger or wealthier than “authentic”?
- Is it ever authentic if we abandon others who need us?
- Is “authentic” a good synonym for “adult?”
- Should it be?
Wheat & Tares 
Obedience. I start to hyperventilate and sweat just writing the word. ( I can’t even use it in the context of training my dog) My lived experience doesn’t evoke anything remotely related to peace or safety. Rather, I have experienced it as a word used by those in power to put their boot on my neck and coerce and shame me into doing what they want with no consideration for me or my situation.
I think that “jerk” is a more accurate word than “authentic” for those who abandon family members in their hour of need, particularly when it involves trading a previous spouse for a younger or wealthier one. 1 Timothy 5:8 says those who fail to provide for his own, and especially for his own house, have “denied the faith and are worse than an infidel”.
Count me another one triggered by “obedience”. Induces high levels of stress. It’s terrifying to me how frequently the word is used in a church setting, particularly how often it is used in conjunction with the idea that leaders will never lead us astray etc, and once they have spoken all thinking is over. I’m feeling quite ill just typing this out.
I, too, have found myself increasingly uncomfortable with “obedience.” Also, I have surprised myself with how strongly I’ve reacted to the notion of “being an instrument” lately, particularly when joined with moral relativist positions that say if God tells us to do something, you do it (even when it goes against our own better judgment or conscience). Too often, it feels like this amounts to disrespecting, discriminating, or hurting other people and then justifying it mentally with “being an instrument” of the Lord in that instance.
In response to your other questions, about “authentic” and trying to distinguish it from “adult” let me add the following:
1) Not to play the devil’s advocate, but “adult” and “authentic” are not synonyms, as we expect them to come into conflict at times. Abandoning responsibilities can feel “authentic” for some, or even many people at different points in our lives. We often take on big responsibilities without fully understanding what we’re getting into (think kids, marriage, college and career decisions–heck, even a mission or church callings) and when those things get hard, it’s all too easy to self doubt and attribute our bad feelings to one or more of those decisions that we may now regret. And if you can’t see things getting better soon, a logical next step for our fallible minds to make is that leaving one or more of those things behind is the only way you can reclaim your own sense of self. Yes, this is an extreme, irresponsible choice (I assume you mean “responsible” when you say “adult”), but through the lens of self-preservation, it may feel like it’s the only way out.
2) The conflict of self vs. society (which can be family responsibilities, job, etc.) or self vs. God are well-worn themes in the arts, and I’ve found they have played out in my own life in various “acts” if you will. Many adults go through midlife changes in their expectations, values, beliefs, and not all will come through this internal conflict where we (as a society, looking on a specific individual) will wish they land. I don’t condone all acts of irresponsibility or abandonment that happen under the guise of “authenticity,” but extreme responses from people– like abandonment–generally occur in response to extreme stimuli. And in such circumstances, depression, mental health, anxiety, are all likely simultaneous conditions that could very well be contributing to their actions. I think some charity is warranted for such individuals (and all individuals, generally speaking), as the consequences of their decisions are typically felt for a long time, even without the shame that we might want to dump on top of them.
3) In my experience, the church does not prepare its members for the stages of development that occur as adults. Yes, we understand adolescence and prepare our youth to enter adulthood on a high note (and I’ll give the church high praise for doing that well). Yet, we do not have much of a narrative for the complexities of adulthood, marriage and family dynamics (aside from perfect veneers), maturing, alternative narratives for belief and meaning, ethics and moral living, etc. In my opinion, the church could hold onto many more millennials and adults in general if we made more of a space for people who do not fit the Mormon mold.
Uh, speaking as an abuse survivor who’s been diagnosed with PTSD, “triggered” has an actual meaning besides “got upset at something I saw on the internet.” It means something brought me back to the same place I was, mentally, when the abuse happened, and it usually means I shut down and may even self-recriminate and self-injure (because I’m reenacting the abuse).
It only became a fun, jokey way to say “this ticks me off” because 4chan’s entire culture is about finding people’s buttons and pressing them, and that includes triggering people with PTSD, the same way it does mocking Jews and LGBTQIA+ people. They think it’s hilarious when someone relives their rape, the same way they call you mormons “moralf*gs” for caring about anything besides yourselves.
Which, personal experience has convinced me that most of you don’t, the author of this article personally included, but that is beside the point.
I was using triggered as in “irrational emotional response that affects my ability to engage rationally.”
I had a veteran with PTSD who we had stay with us at our house for several months as he got his life back together. My father had PTSD and so did other family members. The wake up screaming in the night type flashbacks and PTSD.
I admit that Jewelfox probably thinks that the community of those who have buried one or more children doesn’t really get triggered by anything and don’t care about anyone besides themselves, but to each their own conclusions. I think each of us is bound by our own experiences.
Having served on the board of a rape crisis center and a child advocacy center (neither which, of course, pays its board members anything), and having been court appointed to someone with trauma induced multiple dissociative personality disorder, I’m well aware that it is not only military experience that leads to PTSD.
That said, I didn’t mean to trigger anyone else, but rather wanted to explore things that cause deep and seemingly irrational responses — much like the discussion of how obedience as a word affects some people that we had in the thread.
I didn’t think Jewelfox’s comment was kind or fair (Stephen R. Marsh doesn’t care about anybody except himself? really?). I thought “triggered” just meant arousing a negative and involuntary psychological response. Is there a standard, ie., that the psychological response has to be “this big”, before it counts?
I get the impression people get triggered by the word “triggered”.
Two words or phrases have been hijacked in my opinion and cause me anxiety. One is “modesty” and one is “day of rest.” I believe they mean different things for the general public than they do for LDS. Honestly “keeping the Sabbath day holy / day of rest” makes me want to leave the church more than almost everything else. We say it with a straight face while expecting 3 hours of church + 4 hours of meetings and interviews.
In my part of the world I’ve not heard authentic used in the way you describe it. I’ve heard it called “time for me” or “yolo.”
Harry B.–
We have to say “be an instrument” because telling members to “be a tool” sounds patronizing, though it’s probably more accurate for the spirit of the message. And yes, I too find that phrase infuriating.
Obedience does it for me too. Perhaps because the leaders we are to be obedient to have spent all their credibility.
In October 1969 there must have been a conference talk telling missionaries to get married and not delay having children. I was married 4 weeks after I got home, and we had our first 3 children within 4 years. Poverty was not fun. But we were obedient.
My children and grandchildren, without this pressure, have much better lives. We obeyed and paid the price, now we question and use our agency.
I’ve been thinking about this discussion. I was certainly going by the definition Stephen and Martin have outlined. Referring to my earlier comment I find it incredibly hard to engage with any conference talk that uses the word obedience, even if the obedience referred to is to God.
There is one other thing, and that’s references to women as wives and mothers in connection with some stereotype. In a church setting I can generally see it coming and steel myself somewhat, but on the single occasion in completely different setting, and completely out of the blue, the effect was as if I’d been punched in the gut, and it took me some time to regain my equilibrium.
Interesting post.
1) I’ll echo “obedience” as a reactive word for me synonymous with losing my agency. Interestingly, “social justice” is also starting to grate on my nerves as it seems to be syncing more with vigilantism, social unrest and group-based-hate than equity.
2) “unrestrained” or “uninhibited”. With grad school, financial strain, and children, I often feel a desire to run away and live uninhibited.
3) yes. If you have no genuine desire to caretake for them then it is a definitively authentic action to leave or abandon them.
4/5) depending on context. “Adult” needs a clearer definition first, I would think.
Finally, @jewelfox- as a mental health therapist I get what you’re saying but also think your trigger happy. The entire SJW movement on social media platforms such as tumblr, and liberal university campuses- where I have spend most of my career working- brought trite superficiality to the language of trauma and psychotherapy.
“Obedience” gets to me, too. I’m also not a fan of the word “testify” which seems to weaponize what should be a personal spiritual experience (like when someone says “I testify to you . . .”) It feels coercive. Another word that gets me is “emasculating” as a verb. How does a person emasculate someone exactly, aside from castration? Is masculinity so dependent on others’ input and agreement that it can simply vanish like that?
Trigger words and phrases:
1) “The spirit has left the room”; a manipulative statement that only serves to close communication.
2) “Worthy/unworthy” (temple, Holy Ghost’s companionship, etc.)
3) Blessed/blessings
4) “Be ye therefore perfect” without any context, or discussion about the Greek meaning of the word that was translated by Tyndale as “perfect”, while ignoring the Luke 6 account which substitutes “merciful” for “perfect”. Conference speakers have referenced the Matt 5 account over 2,000% more frequently than the Luke account.
5) Sacrament restriction “Do not suffer any one to partake of my flesh and blood unworthily” justified by 3 Ne 18:28-29, without reading verse 30 and discovering that to partake of the sacrament unworthily meant to partake of the flesh and blood before baptism. Hard stop. No further expounding by Jesus on what is to be understood by “unworthily”.
6) Sustain (leaders)
7) Consecrate (time, talents, money to the church instead of to God)
8) “Restored Church/Gospel” (restored to first century Church/Gospel? I don’t see our current church in the New Testament nor the BofM. “Revealed Church/Gospel” seems more accurate to me.
Ben: have you ever heard “the spirit has left the room” in an actual church meeting/class context? Yikes. I’ve heard it as a hypothetical or in stories (“When Snoop Dog began to play on the radio, the spirit left the room.”) but never as a conversation ender in a church context.
Oops, hit post too early. I’d add “home teaching.” Particularly in a previous ward, hearing that at the start of a sacrament meeting or EQ meant an hour or so of guilt-tripping and threats lay ahead. Never an emphasis on actual service, Christian love, or neighborliness, just a discussion of numbers and failure. Talk about the spirit leaving the room, indeed! The new “ministering” system hasn’t been in place long enough for me to see if that will repeat, but my current ward is much more relaxed about HT/VT/ministering.
Bro. Jones, I have heard that phrase used in stories that were shared that were meant to end conversations. I can’t say I recall hearing it in response to a comment or story in an actual class, however I have felt what you described with “home teaching” classes.