It wasn’t my intent to always get the thoughts for my posts from podcasts, but it does seem to be a bit of the norm. One podcast that I do really like is, “Hidden Brain” from NPR. In episode on December 11th titled, “The Carpenter Vs. The Gardener: Two Models Of Modern Parenting” the podcast host is discussing the topic of a book (available for free here) written by the guest, Alison Gopnik. Dr Gopnik is a psychology and philosophy professor at the University of California, Berkeley.
In the book Dr. Gopnik describes two ends of a spectrum on parenting methodologies. At one end is the “Gardeners” that are more about creating an environment (soil) that allows kids (plants) to grow however they will grow. On the other end is the “carpenter” parent that wants to build/prescribe the child the way they think would be best. To me this latter sounds like a helicopter parent with a 20+ year roadmap for their child.
Dr. Gopnik embraces the Gardner approach to raising kids.
You never know what is going to happen in the garden. The things that you plant fail and sometimes wonderful things happen you didn’t plan. Being a gardener is creating a rich nurturing but diverse ecosystem where many different things can happen. A system that can respond in unpredictable ways.
She also warns about the impact of being a Carpenter parent.
If you just do the right things, get the right skills, read the right books, you are going to be able to shape your child into a particular kind of adult.
Parenting like a carpenter. The main harm is that it makes the process, the life of being a parent, anxious and difficult and tense and unhappy in all sorts of ways that are unnecessary. It makes it [anxious] for parents and for children.
It isn’t that carpenters “make” bad kids necessarily. In fact my dad was a bit of a Carpenter parent. His main tool was his belt (note, this was back in the 60’s and early 70’s). I think I turned out reasonably well. Most of the therapists I have seen seem to agree 🙂 Joking aside, my father was much more of the Gardener type – which was good given the significant personality variance in the rather large brood he had.
I have seen some attempts at carpenter parenting that really backfired and caused the child to rebel. A minor example of this was a friend of mine that I had known for a few decades suddenly sat down one day and started (somewhat) playing the piano. I asked him if he had taken lessons and he said he had. He then thought for just a moment and told how many years, months, and days since his last lesson which was also the last time he ever touched a keyboard until that day several decades later. I asked how he knew the exact amount of time and he replied that his mom forced him to take lessons from the time he was 5. He said he hated every single lesson. His mother said once he was 10 years old he could stop. So on his 10th birthday he stopped. He said his mother didn’t like music, but thought it would make him more “upper class” if he played the piano. I am sure there are more serious cases where the carpenter model ended up creating the exact opposite of what the parent desired.
Dr. Gopnik goes on and comments
The rise of carpenter parents have helped create kids that are a bit safer, taking less risks, fewer are getting pregnant, fewer use drugs, but they achieve more. But they also have high levels of anxiety and fear.
“[Parents are] so concerned that the child come out that you are not giving the child freedom to take risks, explore, and be autonomous. It isn’t risk taking if there isn’t a chance it could go wrong.”
That is another aspect of the current [carpenter] parenting culture that problematic. We are so concerned about how these children are going to turn out that we are unwilling to give them the autonomy that they need to be able to take risks and go out and explore the world.”
I think we can see some of this showing up in the church’s missionaries. I have heard many reports that the number of kids returning early from missions due to anxiety has ramped up (other factors are also contributing such as the lower age requirement and the intense social and family pressures to go on a mission).
At about 20 minutes into the podcast she mentions an interesting experiment that has been replicated that supports her advocating for the Gardener model. In the experiment, young children are introduced to a toy that can do several actions. In one control group the children are told that the toy can do a specific action and the other group isn’t told anything. Both groups the children are given time to explore the toy. Those that are told about single action the toy can do are much less likely to explore and find all the actions the toy can do. So explaining a little bit can limit the exploration by the child. That makes me wonder if I have sometimes been too prescriptive in my definition of how the world works when talking with my children.
I DO NOT have the whole parenting thing figured out, but this did make me think a bit about how raised my kids. Did I lean too heavy on the checklist?
I also think about how the church and church culture do push a bit of the carpenter’s checklist (Primary, mutual, Eagle Scout / YW in Excellence, seminary, mission, BYU, marriage, kids). Most of these are quite good steps.
- Does relying so heavily on “a single narrow path” not work quite as well for some people that the path is a bad fit?
- Even those are “OK” with the path, are they being limited on learning even more?
- Any other parenting advice come to mind from this analogy from Dr. Gopnik?
Wheat & Tares 
I consider myself a joiner parent (but I do it Roy Underhill’s way, so it comes round to something like gardening anyhow).
I haven’t listened to the podcast but the title captured my attention with its religious connections–God as a gardener, and Christ as a carpenter metaphors are familiar. I do believe this earth life experience is definitely a garden situation!
In his efforts to “carpenter” children into folks who valued culturally-defined duty to the organizational church above all else, I know of one father who built something quite unintended instead. Some balance might be appropriate. It doesn’t work well to let the garden entirely alone to take care of itself, either.
I am by nature a Gardener, but have allowed myself to be swayed by the church community and even at times,the church’s teaching, to be a Carpenter.
I can’t say either have worked for us, our kids are in their twenties and thirties and inactive, but we have remained as Gardeners in the long term. Our eldest seems to be making her way back, but I find that makes no difference to the value I place on her. I love all my children, but my love grows weary of reaching out sometimes. My kids remain good people, but I think their capacity for relationship with their parents increases as they honour God, themselves, and us. There is a certain reverence and gratitude that underpins good relationship, many people have this without church teachings in their lives, but it tends to be quite explicit in the church and this allows those who have not had the privelege of experiencing this begin to adopt it as a way of being in the world.
Gardeners are in it for the long term.
Nice post, Happy Hubby.
I prefer Gardener parenting though am not always the best at it, I’m sure. I think it helps to develop individual authority, which leads to greater growth. I also think such growth and the gardening process are at the heart of God’s plan.
Three ideas from a parent with exceptional children now in their 20’s
Parents employ both methods at various times.
This is way oversimplified and close to useless except for armchair discussions.
Children ultimately raise themselves to a great degree. Their perceptions are paramount.
Mike – you are absolutely right in that we use both. Not too many parents are OK and not say anything if their kid is going to do something REALLY dangerous. I think the issue is which side of the spectrum do we spend our time and to we spend ALL of our parenting at one end.
Of course in my few hundred words “oversimplified.” I wrote it more as a way to think about how I parent. That is worth thinking about and a mental check of where I might be off-balance.
But your last comment makes me wonder if indirectly you are agreeing with the premise of the book. If “kids raise themselves” then the best way to parent is to generally be supportive of them and not try to micro-manage them (because trying to strongly guild them isn’t going to work since they are going to do what they are going to do).
One of my parenting sayings: “Everything works for a little while; nothing works for very long.” Just gotta keep coming up with new tricks to successfully parent. I guess that’s more like gardening than carpentry.
Yes, I’m with Mike and the amount of each parenting type I employ varies by kid as well.
Well yes, I think we can all agree that there’s no such thing as one strategy that works all the time. But that doesn’t mean the discussion isn’t worth having. These are two ideals at two opposite ends of a spectrum and reality fluctuates in between. But can we say anything intelligent about when one should lean towards one instead of the other?
Here’s my view on a common parenting topic: education. I think the Carpenter approach is better up to the child getting a high-school level of education. Assuming the United States, not having a high school education severely limits options for self-reliance as an adult. Beyond that point, I’m more Carpenter: Trade school, college, start a business, work at a liquor store…I don’t care. But at least if they want to learn/shift on their own as an adult they have what I think is a foundation to make that choice.
Religion? I’m working on that one…I think I’m going to be Carpenter on principles that major religions share (Golden Rule kind of stuff), but Gardener on the actual religion part.
Here is an excellent article on the gardener type of parent and how playgrounds can foster growth in kids. A real fun read
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/04/hey-parents-leave-those-kids-alone/358631/
I think aspects of both systems have merit. And you can be a bad gardener, or a good carpenter. I was raised with a little of both. My wife and I are mostly gardeners, partially because of our philosophy, but also because that is what our kids respond to. For the most part, they are very resistant to carpentry
Since the church leadership treats the members as if they are children, I think this discussion might be expanded to include leadership styles at the ward level. Does your Bishop /RSP /EQP etc. use a gardener style or a carpenter style of leadership? Carpenter style can use correlated cookie cutter blue prints and gardener style can use lots of roundup .
I just ran across this article completely by accident . A bit long but worth it (and I disagree with a few points) .But overall so true.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/04/hey-parents-leave-those-kids-alone/358631/
Oops bishop bill already cited it . I should read the other comments more closely. But really do read the article.!