We are entering the peak season of the hell that is our culture’s rhetorical modesty war. Modesty is something that is being debated ad nauseum. I could link to dozens of articles, of the ridiculous and outlandish or thoughtful and articulate, and each have their rebuttals and counter-rebuttals. But instead of talking about hemlines and cap sleeves and t-shirts over swimsuits and objectification and rape culture, I want to write about how I teach my own daughter the principle of modesty. The following was adapted from an earlier post found here.
Don’t ever consider what another human will think about you while choosing what you are going to wear.
Nope, I didn’t say that wrong. I want you to wear clothes that are comfortable, that fit well, that make you feel good about yourself and give you confidence, that match your personality and that you like, and are appropriate for the activity. Do you want to know what else you should think about while choosing your wardrobe? Your Heavenly Parents. You are their daughter and your body is a gift to you. I want you to think about how your Heavenly Parents would want you to clothe your body. You know they love you and want the best for you. I truly believe you would want to make them happy and proud of you. So please, stand in front of the mirror and think only about the opinions of the people who mean the most: yourself and God.
If you follow this guideline, will your hemlines always match other people’s expectations and standards? Maybe not. And I’m okay with that, because if you wouldn’t mind wearing your outfit in front of your Heavenly Parents, then why would we worry about anyone else?
Other people may notice your body, there is no amount of clothing that will enable you to avoid attention about your body. So make sure you never seek after that kind of attention and make sure you ignore it when it comes your way. When we give and seek physical attention, we are not seeing each others’ spirits, seeing each other as we truly are, we are seeing each other as shapes and objects first – how Satan would want us to see each other. It is not your job to avoid notice or to find a way to attract the appropriate amount of notice. It is your job to be yourself and to please God.
You may have others teach you that your job is to be modest because you must guard yourself and others from whatever sin your body may lead us all to. Do not be ashamed of what your body is or afraid of what others may think of it.
In reality, modesty is behavior or appearance that is humble, moderate, and decent. A modest person avoids excesses and pretensions. I want you to study the scriptures about what it means to be modest:
1 Timothy 2:9 “women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;”
Jacob 2:13 “And the hand of providence hath smiled upon you most pleasingly, that you have obtained many riches; and because some of you have obtained more abundantly than that of your brethren ye are alifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they.”
D&C 42:40 “And again, thou shalt not be proud in thy heart; let all thy garments be plain, and their beauty the beauty of the work of thine own hands;”
According to the scriptures, modesty is not dressing for attention or showing off for others or wearing costly apparel. Further study from the Catholic Catechism, whose definition I love, provides more insight:
“Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It guides how one looks at others and behaves toward them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity. Modesty inspires a way of life which makes it possible to resist the allurements of fashion and the pressures of prevailing ideologies. The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person. (www.vatican.va)
So if modesty is about how we see others, does that mean the challenge 
of modesty is to see each other as Children of God no matter what they are wearing and no matter how our body reacts? Yes! God gave male and female bodies hormones that cause us to be attracted to each other and sometimes the sights of something attractive will arouse those feelings. You will have those feelings! Those feelings are not bad, they are not a sin, they are from God! Lusting, the choice of having inappropriate thoughts and desires about something, is a sin. So, if your thoughts are not appropriate in the situation, pay them no heed and move on. Some think that men are the only ones that struggle with this challenge, some recent scientific studies have shown this is not true. You as a female will experience these same feelings of attraction and you must also learn to avoid lust, this is not a boys-only problem. (I have seen websites crashing down within minutes because Ryan Gosling memes have gone viral.) This principle is probably best taught by Chinese Proverb of The Burden:
Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the road sides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up to a her lifted her and left her on the other side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery. In the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and said, “Sir, as monks, we cannot touch a woman ?” The elder monk answered “yes, brother”. Then the younger monk asks again, “but then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside?” The elder monk smiled at him and told him ” I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her.”
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I’m genuinely interested, how do you teach modesty to your daughters and sons? Do you leave it up to church leaders? I think if we skip teaching our sons we’ll miss the part that includes developing eyes to see others as God sees them, regardless of what they are wearing. I hope that my method above provides an empowering way where my daughter sees modesty as a way to see others and have a stronger relationship with God. Fingers crossed.
Wheat & Tares 
I like your thoughts except for your definition of lust. Having enticing thoughts about other people is not a sin. Obsessing and following those thoughts that are so interesting, etc. Is where it can turn to sin. Also, it is so tricky to find the line I believe the correct judgment is to allow each individual to judge this between themselves and God. And I teach my kids that too.
modern LDS prophets teach the opposite of what you do about modesty.
Do you believe they have it wrong?
r: I thought my lust definition was pretty weak, too. I wanted to expand the definition but wanted to keep it short and sweet.
I like Rachel Held Evans’ definition:
It is important here to make a distinction between attraction and lust. Attraction is a natural biological response to beauty; lust obsesses on that attraction until it grows into a sense of ownership, a drive to conquer and claim. When Jesus warns that “everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” he uses the same word found in the Ten Commandments to refer to a person who “covets” his neighbor’s property. Lust takes attraction and turns it into the coveting of a woman’s body as though it were property.”
http://qideas.org/articles/modesty-i-dont-think-it-means-what-you-think-it-means/
PangWitch: I feel pretty confident about teaching her the scriptural definition, thanks.
Today my 4th grader has field day and they get to go in the dunk tank; the flyer said girls need to wear modest swimsuits. My daughter has a tankini that shows some of her belly she wanted to wear. We talked about what the person in charge of the dunk tank would think – she needs to understand what other people’s definition of modesty may be and the consequences that come when not meeting those. But I told her to choose for herself. I want her to act instead of be acted upon.
PangWitch: Why do you think what they teach is the opposite? There may be some differences in emphasis, but the opposite?? That’s quite a claim. Kristine said:
– dress with your divine nature in mind (that’s consistent)
– don’t dwell on attraction to the point that it becomes lust (that’s consistent)
– don’t dress to be showy or materialistic (that’s consistent)
– behave in a decent manner (that’s consistent)
She also said:
– quit dressing for human beings, to avoid being judged (that’s neither consistent nor inconsistent)
– don’t be ashamed of who you are or your body (that’s also not inconsistent)
So, please explain.
I’ve avoided talking to my children about this issue, probably because I know our LDS culture is obsessed with outward appearances, and I’m not exactly sure how to push back against this culture in healthy ways that still establish good guidelines to follow. A couple thoughts on your approach.
1. Modesty is entirely a social construction. What is or isn’t modest is defined by cultural acceptability, so I don’t like how you say we shouldn’t consider what other humans think about what we wear. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to ignore everyone else for one, and for another, what our society things is extreme or conservative is all defined by society. Telling my kids to ignore what others think isn’t entirely responsible in my mind. I think telling them not to obsess over what other people think is more prudent, and don’t let others define for you what is right and wrong about your dress is a better message to send.
2. What does God think about how we dress? I don’t know if I like this message either. I’m worried that a person could obsess about the idea that their dress is not acceptable to God. I have a family member who constantly judges herself against extremely impossible standards to achieve (a form of extreme perfectionism). I actually like the idea of telling someone to wear what they feel comfortable wearing is much better than the emphasis on what would God want you to wear. I don’t think God cares, and I don’t think God has clearly ever set any standards about what we should and shouldn’t wear. These are human standards defined by humans.
hope: I see what you mean. I know when my daughter stands in front of the mirror she *will* be thinking about how others see her no matter what I say. I’m hoping to develop a healthy sense of “I don’t care what those jerks at school think about what I wear” by simplifying it.
I do think that our good works are related to loving God; we obey because we love him (not to earn any brownie points, just because). But I like her thinking about her heavenly parents bc she’ll be surrounded by clothing choices (no matter the hemline) designed for her to look sexy and attract attention. I want her to wear what she wants but in that context understand that God sees her intents and behavior and would be disappointed by that kind of attitude.
you have good points, though.
I’m going to put in another vote for not leading people to think God cares about their clothes.
I don’t have much of a testimony about very much anymore. But here’s something I believe with all my heart: if God is good and loving, God doesn’t care one tiny bit about what you wear. God does care about your heart, and will help you grow in positive ways if you are open to that spiritual nurturing. But clothing? No. Not important.
It’s *people* who look on the outward appearance, and we may or may not choose to adjust our clothing choices based on our guesses about what they want us to wear. (In my mind, that would be hardly ever, as you said.) But God looks on the heart.
Otherwise, great post! 🙂
At the moment I’ll settle for at least two items of outerwear at the dinner table, one for the top and one for the bottom. After thirty years of parenting you get real eventually.
However, I love your definitions of modesty, but they do leave out the appropriateness of attraction and enjoyment. I think that’s a difficult line to tread but an important one for our kids who let’s be honest, are trying to attract a mate. Maybe there is a functionality in their immodesty. I guess we’re trying to curb that in the church, but a little more understanding of both ourselves and our youth would go a long way.
Personally I always saw it as a challenge to be overcome, and don’t think I got it at all, until recently I noticed myself dressing down for a very rare outing as I knew there would be women there with body issues. I think modesty is about not standing out at the expense of others. Other than that it’s the responsibility of the beholder.
Good luck with teaching that to young people.
It’s so hard to try and separate the good from the bad in our culture. I’m hoping it comes down to the bare (pun intended) basics. Love one another, don’t judge, respect others, have standards for yourself and try to be good.
Jesus certainly emphasized not focusing on the exterior, doing good to everyone, not doing things for the praise of others, and not being fearful of the judgments of humans. Somehow these ideas seem to get lost in the noise of obedience to leaders and trying to become the ideal family.
Agree with Pangwitch.
Feminism is at odds with the LDS church and religion in general.
Winifred, I think we read different articles here. This hardly seemed to be discussing feminism, but rather ways to effectively discuss modesty with a child. And while I disagree with pangwitch’s comment, I didn’t see him/her discussing feminism in the church either in their comment.
As the person who was on the front page of the rexburg newspaper for wearing pants to church – I do agree that the Lord looks on the heart and not on the outside. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a clothing free-for-all.
I want my daughter to understand that she can look good in clothes without using her body as an ornament/object/tool. You can wear clothes and say “I look good in this” without objectifying yourself.
I also want her to understand that we should still try to dress appropriately; but I want her (through her relationship w/prayer and inspiration) to decide for herself what that is. If she wears a two piece so she can go to the bathroom easier and it fits her body type and it’s more comfortable and it’s easier to SWIM in – then for heck’s sake wear the two piece and forget about everyone else. I talked to my 10 yo last night about this post and she said, well then I can just wear my swim suit roller skating, right? We had a talk about maybe it would be easier and safe to roller skate in like shorts and a tank top. I want her to think about weather, safety, etc.
I don’t think we can escape the fact that clothing is a cultural language. Not only a cultural language, but a biological language inasmuch as it highlights the sexual and aesthetic power of the human body. I’m uncomfortable the vilification of those who are sensible to this language, particularly its sexual dimension. Rather, it is a gift: to perceive and be moved by the sexuality of others, one of the greatest delights of the human experience.
The problem lies in our inability to handle such erotic encounters. Conservatives insist on dampening the erotic element of our bodies in order to assist us all in our denial of the flesh. Liberals chafe at the limitations this imposes upon free will, and deny that the erotic element of their dress even exists.
The solution is neither burkas nor bikinis. Rather, we must embrace the erotic element of the human body as a force to be reckoned with, a force to enjoy, employ, and restrain with wisdom and according to cultural expediency.
Modesty is culturally relative. Given the preponderance of erotic imagery in the broader culture, the LDS obsession with modesty clearly backfires, as is clear in google search stats which show Utah as having the top per capita searches for soft-core porn. In a different time and place, the LDS standards could be reasonable and effective. But in today’s environment they are overly restrictive, leading to a subconscious backlash in the LDS psyche. We must learn to swim in an erotic sea, and LDS men are drowning. Therefore, it is expedient that more LDS women wear two-pieces, not because they are not in fact erotic, but because we need more eroticism in order to even out the unbearable discrepancy between LDS culture and Babylon. We need more inoculation.
Nate, I agree – women need to stop worrying about hemlines. Inoculation is important – ie if you grow up in Hawaii you learn how to manage seeing women in bikinis AND seeing them as people without losing their minds. I disagree that women should embrace their sexuality and dress sexy all the time to accomplish it. I think women should let go of them hemline restrictions and just be themselves. Looking good and dressing attractively does not equal dressing sexy. Some men can interpret any kind of dress as being sexy – but I suppose I have issues with the purpose and intent of women, where their hearts are. Which unless they are acting that way – you can’t judge. I want to teach my daughter to wear what she wants with the right intent. Inoculation should be a byproduct.
PS I do think we have issues with repressing female sexuality, but I think there are appropriate times and places to develop and express it. Obv everyone interprets that differently.
You asked how you might teach modesty. Model it. All the time. IMO, people who tend to dress immodestly are either struggling with pride or confidence. Many threads eventually end with “I’ve worked hard on this body, that’s why I want to wear a two piece swimsuit (or a Speedo)” That’s prideful. At the other end is someone who shows a lot of skin as sexual signal. That’s a lack of confidence that his or her personality won’t win the day. Even though you keep saying you want your daughter to know she can look good in clothes, always lurking in the background is a sexual component. The key is teaching our children, especially teens and young adults, to embrace their sexuality without having it be the sole focus of their lives.
I hate comments like, “people who tend to dress immodestly are either struggling with pride or confidence.”
The church worries way too much about modesty. It makes it a bigger and more problematic issue by fretting about it all the time.
Sexual attraction is a huge and powerful thing. It will be there whether people wear loose robes or tight clothes. Accepting this reality is more useful than constant worry over which outfits are acceptable and which aren’t. Whatever happened to teaching principles and letting the people govern themselves?
I know families where mother models modesty at all times and in all places, not in an extreme way, always attractive and appropriate. One daughter does likewise, another could not be more different dressing overtly sexually, but a lovely person and sweet mother, better than I’ll ever be. Confusing, isn’t it?
Maybe if young men weren’t promised their whole lives that if they served a worthy mission a beautiful bride would be waiting for them, maybe if returned missionaries weren’t given the mandate to go out and get married tout suite, maybe if women weren’t the prize for men’s achievements and worthiness, then Mormon women of 8, 18 and 80 could dress sanely to suit the mood, occasion and climate like other women.
alice, AMEN!
Although I may agree with you personally, Kristine, I think your position is a problematic carve-out within the mormon church. Any time you take a “true to your conscience first” type position, you’re going to inevitably be confronted with the question of what you (or your child) should do when your conscience conflicts with a directive from those you purport to sustain as prophets, seers and revelators. The standards set forth in the “for the strength of the youth” materials are blessed by the first presidency and have been blessed countless times over the pulpit. There is no reasonable argument to be made that they don’t represent the doctrine/official position of the church. How do you explain to your child that they should potentially feel comfortable substituting her judgment in place of that handed down by a prophet of god? And how do you set boundaries about which things your kids actually SHOULD follow their leaders on, if you’re telling them they don’t always need to. Moreover, what’s the point of sustaining other people as prophets who receive and relay god’s word, when you’re just going to ignore it when it conflicts with your personal morals or judgment? Why not just let the way you live your life begin and end with what you think is best for you and your family?